Why Always Thinking on the Bright Side Has a Dark Side

Recently, an acquaintance whom I'll call, Lori, lost her mom. It was sudden, it was shocking, and she loved her very much.

But, here's the thing; Lori has always been an optimist. Or, perhaps a better way to say it, is that she's been a denialist.


A good friend of Lori's invited 3 of their closest friends to be bridesmaids in her wedding, but, she didn't invite Lori. The five of them had been close friends in college and beyond.


At the last minute, she asked Lori if Lori wanted to join the bridal party for a dinner. To me, Lori quipped, "Wow. I feel so honored to invited to dinner!" When I asked, with some hesitation, (not wanting to hurt her more), whether Lori felt hurt about not being chosen to be part of the bridal party, she looked at me dumbfounded. "It's such an honor to be included in her wedding. Why would I feel hurt?"


Lori made comments that there was no point in "dwelling in negativity." And, yet, as a psychologist, I have to say that there's a difference between dwelling (a.k.a. making a home in negativity, where you review, in great detail, every time you've been slighted) versus allowing yourself to feel hurt or angry  -- and then moving on.


A few years ago, when Lori had a breakup with her partner of 5 years, she commented "Well, out with the old and on with the new." She had been madly in love with her partner, and the breakup was definitely NOT her idea. And yet, she seemed unable or unwilling to feel the hurt/anger storm, and any mention of her ex prompted a new comment about moving on and "just going from here."


So, since her mom died suddenly, Lori has been stuck. Perplexed. Dumbfounded. She has experienced less happiness, and said recently,"This wasn't the way it was supposed to happen," even though her mom had a full life (dying in her 80's).


Nonetheless, there is nothing that can prepare you for the wash of feelings that emerges from the loss of a parent. Nothing. Those of you who have experienced this, know that.


But, because Lori has spent her life pretending that the bad is good and not acknowledging small hurtful moments, she hasn't had practice for the big stuff. She doesn't know how to process her emotions: breaking them down into smaller chunks, reaching out to others, knowing how to talk about her thoughts and feelings, and re-integrating her experience into who she is, based on past, present, and future. Her only strategy is to pretend everything is fine, convince herself that the situation is actually good, and move on.


If you know people like Lori, it's painful to watch. And, if you are someone like Lori, deep down, you know the pain.


What does work?


* Talking with friends. 
* Seeing a therapist.
* Learning to acknowledge and express your pain, anger, hurt, loss.
* Taking one small action to move through pain. 
* Acknowledging the good after you feel the hard parts.
* And, then moving on. 


And, this takes time.
But, it can be done.


And, what happens over time, is that the more you process the hard parts, the more you build, like a muscle, your ability to tolerate what feels intolerable. 


*********************
Heather Schwartz, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Portland, Oregon. She delights in working with warm and expressive people who want to experience increased inspiration at work, greater connection, and empowerment in life.

Set Your Own Bar

This may be obvious to you, but you are the one who makes the decision about whether you’re a success.

You set the bar.

But, if you grew up with narcissistic or abusive or drug/alcohol-addicted parents, or even just highly successful parents who have meant well, you may have been told what and where the bar is, and may still be trying to reach that bar rather than your own. 

There could also be a feeling you received in your family that you were never good enough. This may have left you searching for the bar outside yourself. Now, you might find that bar (that perfect way of being) in coworkers or friends, or mentors. It has a way of taking over.

There is also a fine line between accepting your success and moving forward toward more personal or professional growth. If you don’t expect much, you may feel malaise, depression, boredom, or inertia. But, if you push yourself too hard, you may be constantly striving and never arriving, never enjoying what you've created.

Whether it’s something general like being “good enough” or specific like a set amount of money, it’s still out of your control when you let someone else define it for you. This may be a matter of priority, where you put your energy.

You might also experience that the bar of success changes arbitrarily, if you have a parent who needs to be the winner/expert. And, no matter how old you are, you may still be trying to please your parents. But, do you realize that? 

Part of the issue is that people sometimes don’t realize that this is happening, because it’s been going on for so long. As people, we don’t realize we have choices, that it’s not about not being good enough, but instead about switching the focus from someone else’s priorities to our own.

Examples: 

A daughter who believes she has to make a lot of money or marry someone wealthy rather than who she loves in order to please her wealthy parents. She weighs her success against what her parents want for her rather than what she wants for herself, which is love and connection, first and foremost. However, her need to please comes before her own desires. This need to please has its place; in order to stay in connection with her parents, she makes a sacrifice on her own needs. 

A son who has pursued his love of photography but secretly wishes his parents, who want him to be a doctor, could be proud of him, and each phone call home is a reminder of the difference in values and his wish to be accepted for who he is. Even though he is living his dream, until he realizes that the bar he holds is his parents', he won’t be freed. 

Part of the issue for people can be a strong wish to be similar to parents and to stay in connection with parents, above doing something outside what the family wants (or needs) from them.

Or, it could occur by comparing yourself to that perfect coworker or a couple comparing themselves to That Perfect Couple down the street or whose house they go to for parties (a great example of this is in the novel, Music For Torching by A.M. Homes where a couple thinks their lives are boring and that they're terrible parents in comparison to friends who seem to have it all, until they see from inside!).

Therapy then, becomes about realizing this tug-of-war between your authentic self and what you've been shown, told, or perceive you need to achieve. It's all about creating empowerment through appreciation, authentic connection, insight, and choice.

Think about it now:

Are you weighing your life against what your parents (or caretakers, or role models) have or against what you want for yourself? 

Take a moment and ask, what do I want for myself? 

Take inventory. How close are you to achieving it, or, do you have it now? 

What will it take for you to switch the bar from the one your parents/caretakers have wanted for you versus what you want for yourself?

·   Make a list of what you want for yourself. Be specific.

·   What have your parents/caretakers believed?

·   How is it different?

    When you appraise your life now from the eyes of your own measures, what do you see? 

    What, specifically, is holding you back?

·   What is one step you can take today, either toward accepting your success or moving toward it?

    Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland, Oregon who works with warm and expressive people seeking connection, meaning, and empowerment in their lives. 


   http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

  keywords: achievement, success, life transitions, expectations, parents, empowerment, goals, self-esteem, narcissism.

Making the Most of Your Microbreaks (Or, How to Be Happier at Work)

Checked your Facebook page lately? Making plans for the weekend? This could be taking happiness away from your work day! A recent study shows that taking non-work-related microbreaks, (small breaks during your work days where you might grab a cup of coffee or text someone), may decrease your productivity and rejuvenation (Fritz, 2012). 

This was a surprising finding for Dr. Charlotte Fritz, a professor at Portland State University. She’d expected the reverse. While breaks are necessary, especially in a stressful job, Fritz found that microbreaks, especially getting a cup of coffee or listening to music, decreased participants’ energy levels.

However, taking micro-breaks which are focused on work increase work can increase satisfaction and vitality!

Why? From a mindfulness perspective, I can’t help but wonder if that’s because it increases your awareness that you're not where you want to be, and creates more longing. For example, if you’re on a long plane ride, for example, does it make you happier (and therefore, less anxious) to think about where you just came from, or where you’re going or to focus on the movie they’re playing on the trip? You decide. 

I’ve found that not only doing work-related activities during microbreaks at work increases my happiness quotient, but also doing pleasurable work-related tasks right before I start my day (an hour before), gets me in the mood for work (though this is not the case when the task is unpleasant!). Even 30 minutes of work-related tasks that I enjoy (such as working on my blog), before work helps put me in a happier and more energetic work mindset than if I jump into work after doing unrelated fun things. 

Try it and see if it works for you.

For more information see Dr. Fritz’s interview on her study: http://hbr.org/2012/05/coffee-breaks-dont-boost-productivity-after-all/ar/1?referral=00134

*****

Dr. Heather Schwartz is a mindfulness and relational psychologist in Portland, Oregon, who specializes in helping warm and expressive people experience increased inspiration, connection, and empowerment. 

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

Mess Before Change: 10 Steps

This morning, I was feeling kind of meh: organizing stuff, surveying the dishes, and cleaning out my refrigerator (all the expired yogurts and soft veggies), made messier by an attempt to organize. I took everything out to sort and to wash. It was overwhelming. Shelves from the fridge mingling with dishes from last night. Judgement rose up: why don't we do them after dinner?! Why did we watch that re-run of Girls instead?

I took a deep breath; I reminded myself that comparing this state of mess to an earlier time when the kitchen was clean was not going to help. I focused on my breathing and the tension in my shoulders and jaw. Sensations began to soften. And then, I prioritized three small goals:

1. Wash the drawers. 
2. Throw away bad veggies and yogurt. 
3. Wash three dishes from last night. Not all, just some. That was manageable.

And, then I did them. 

I can't say I felt perfect, like I did before when the kitchen was sparkling. But, I can say I felt better than I did before I started. Sometimes, it just takes willingness.

This is often the case; chaos is often the precursor to organization. Chaos can bring also bring clarity. But to do so, you have to have willingness. To quote, Buddhist monk, Cheri Huber, "The key and the name of the key is willingness." I'd also add trust, patience, and curiosity to meeting with chaos.

You have to bring everything out in order to make sense of it, know where it goes.You have to sort through things to know what you want to keep and what you want to let go of.

This is true for therapy, too. Sometimes, it feels like you’re dragging everything out of the closet, talking about disparate ideas, and only later, do you realize that your pattern of being attracted to unavailable men, for example, makes sense given an earlier loss.

Sometimes, this is more the case with feelings than facts. You have to express all that you feel (all the so-called, "mess" inside) in order to get to the hidden layer of calm. Of comfort.


10 Steps For Moving Mess into Change:

1. Take a moment and a breath now.
2. How do you feel?
3. Note the feelings in your body as well as your heart. What sensations do you notice?
4. Notice any urges to judge yourself, especially comparing yourself to where you've been before. 
There is only now. Truly.
5. Allow for all feeling, all thoughts, without pushing anything away.
6. Let yourself arrive into this moment.
7. Now, take a moment and bring to mind something you're worried about, something you've been putting off because of the chaos involved. This could be ruckus in your heart or in actually.
8. Make 3 small goals.
9 Do them today. 
10. Note how you feel. 

***

Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist who delights in working with warm and expressive adults in Portland, Oregon.

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

Posting in Opposition to Perfectionism

So, I was thinking about how to begin this post, and I thought, "I don't know how to start it, so I'll just wait until I have a better beginning."


Ironically, this post is about perfectionism and procrastination.


So, I'll start there. I'll begin with the truth. Even though I am a therapist (and, therefore, in my mind, should know better), the truth is, I still struggle with perfectionism and procrastination. I really want these posts to be new, memorable and meaningful. I want them to be useful to you, and, dare I say, it, Creative. I want them to be user-friendly.


And, yet, I also want them to live up to the standard I have in my head of all the great posts out there: you know the ones; they're either funny or poignant or both. They say something old in a new way, like a comedian, or they say something totally profoundly interesting that we've never thought of, which gets our dopamine activated! In fact, it's our search for something new that increases dopamine not just the thing itself! This is the dopamine feedback loop: search for information --> dopamine --> increased motivation --> search for more info --> dopamine. YAY!


It feels good.


Which is why we search for information.


Which is why I want this post to be useful and not boring or cliched. For most of us, just the act of putting something out there to the world is an act of bravery.


And, it's exactly this striving for perfection (whatever that is) + judgement/comparison = procrastination. We stop. We get in our own way. 


Sometimes this happens when we start and realize we don't know where we're heading. As Peter Bregman in his post on the Harvard Business Review Blog notes,(http://blogs.hbr.org/bregman/2012/06/the-emotional-adventure-of-lea.html) sometimes you have to get lost to be found. And, when you admit it, it makes you a stronger leader.Cool. I can feed that to my inner critic! 


He writes, "It takes tremendous confidence to lead. Not the confidence of having all the answers — that's arrogance — but the confidence to move forward even without the answers. You have to be capable of feeling awkward and uncertain without giving up."


What have you given up that you want to re-start?


For me, it's this post that I began last week. Yup, it's true.


So, I'm writing this post today and dedicating it to all you perfectionists out there! I'm not putting it off for another day! Whatever you're wanting to do, whether it be small or large, break it down into small steps. Tell yourself it's better to do it, to start it today, right now in fact, than to leave it unfinished or never started.That's the power of a leader.


As one of my favorite Martha Graham quotes goes, "There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ..."


Why the hell not?!


Keywords: procrastination, perfectionism, motivation, creativity, leadership, psychology, psychotherapy, coaching, wellness, confidence, self-esteem, inspiration, Peter Bregman.


http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com
Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/DrHeatherS
http://www.linkedin.com/pub/heather-schwartz-psy-d/a/973/6b

The Ironies of Kindness

Sometimes, you just can’t help but do a good thing. A man in the small town of Prineville, Oregon was trying to pry a mouse from the jaws of stray cat he’d befriended, (an often occurrence for most cat owners), and contracted The Plague. Yes, that’s right: Black Death here in Oregon. It’s shocking. Apparently, there are three types of Plagues: one that affects the lymph nodes, (Bubonic), one that affects the lungs, (Pneumonic), and the third, (Septicemic), that affects the blood stream (Septicemic), which is the one this man contracted. Rodents sicken with The Plague due to the fleas that live on their bodies, and when house pets roam outside and seek their prey, we humans become susceptible.  Symptoms for humans include: fever, chills, bloody coughing, and a near-fatal response. The man is in critical condition. Scary! And all for trying to do something nice: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/hitchhiker-writing-book-kindess-americans-shot-authorities-article-1.1096407

On the flip side, a West Virginia photographer who took to the road, hitchhiking his way across the country, on a project to write a book on Kindness, shot himself in the arm and then blamed it on someone else who was arrested for felony. What the hell? Ironically, he says he was looking for kindness in America. He created its opposite! http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/hitchhiker-writing-book-kindess-americans-shot-authorities-article-1.1096407 Oh, the ironies of “kindness”! Sometimes what we say we’re looking for is a far cry from what we’re hoping or working to find. (e.g. We tell ourselves we want a kind boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, and yet, we're drawn to someone very different and not altogether good for us).


When I was a teen, I used to put quarters in people's parking meters that were about to run out. I did this until a police officer stopped me, threatened to give me a ticket, and told me it was illegal for me to help others this way. Ironic again? 

And, yet, there are so many examples of kindness in our everyday lives that we might overlook. Here in Portland, I’m always amazed by the number of drivers who let me into their lane when I’m turning or merging, the people who share a smile, or one lady who ran outside with a tube of toothpaste she was sure was mine (it wasn’t) that was left in the bag area of QFC. 

When you look at your life today, what can you see about the level of kindness that you’re putting out there? What about the kind of kindness you’re sharing? I’m talking about everyday kindnesses like holding a door for someone. You don’t have to pull out a Plague-infested rat or shoot yourself in the arm to experience or receive it! What authentic kindness are you offering today?  

Keywords: kindness, news, intention, purpose, health, motivation. 

Heather Schwartz, Psy.D.

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/DrHeatherS

Sacred Avocado

I was cleaning my refrigerator out this morning when I noticed a crumpled paper bag stuffed between the cantaloupe and the heirloom tomatoes. It had a sag to the side and as I opened it, I saw, deep in, the avocado that I had been saving for a special salad I'd been planning. I'd bought it while it was still hard, not quite ripe, and had stuffed it into a paper bag (one of the great ways to ripen an avocado) to save for later.

Later.

Later came and was gone, and now the avocado was rotten! I'd saved it too long! I forgot to remember. I forgot to look back, deep enough into the drawer. I got caught up in my life and what was directly around me, rather than deep in the refrigerator drawer. 

Take a moment now. 

What have you forgotten? What have you been saving to express or savor until it's ripe? Or, worried it wasn't ripe enough to enjoy? What in your life needs incubation, and what needs to ripen?

Want to move toward expression in 3 steps?

1) Write your goal/wish down and break down your ultimate vision into smaller bits. Make a list of should do's, must do's, and would like to do's.

Keep in Mind: Writing goals down increases the likelihood of accomplishing them, according to a study looking at why Harvard grads make more money. It's all in the writing! Writing it down = commitment.


2) Choose ONE choice goal per day. More choices actually lead to more confusion and less action (e.g. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/27/your-money/27shortcuts.html), while choosing one goal increases your will power to do more.

3). Make your vision visible. Put this list or a sign of your goal in your vision (hiding it in a refrigerator drawer won't do!). Work on it daily. Write it down This is why Vision Boards work. 


When you look at your unique collection of skills or wishes, talents or dreams, what one step can you take today that moves you closer to expressing your sacred avocado dreams? ;)

******
Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland who delights in working with warm and expressive people seeking inspiration, joy, and connection in their lives.


Heather Schwartz, Psy.D.
http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com
Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/DrHeatherS

Keywords: goals, money, inspiration, talent, small business, start-up.