Loss and The Holidays

Loss and the Holidays

Loss is one of the worst things you can experience during the holidays when expectations from ourselves and others are on (often family) connection, general merriment, and generosity. And, while this article is really about losing a person, it also can apply to losing your job, having a serious illness, or nearly losing someone.

Loss feels awful. To be alive and to be in connection is to inevitably lose someone who has made an impact on your life.

How do you get into the spirit? How do you think about generosity when you’re just getting by? How do you connect with others? What do you say? How do you respond to the long faces of those who know, vs the puzzled looks of those who don’t? 

These are good questions. The truth is, there is no right way to grieve, but know that you’re not doing it wrong. Feeling sad, angry or in shock are all normal feelings. And, being in connection with the right people, taking time for yourself, setting appropriate goals, and accepting yourself as you are, are all steps along the way to healing.

Long periods away from school or work can just increase the loneliness, but it can be hard to know how to talk about what you’re feeling or even how to connect with other people while also feeling unhappy.  And, loss is not just about loneliness; it’s about emptiness. Emptiness occurs when something or someone who held space inside you (even if you didn’t enjoy him/her fully), is now gone. It’s a lousy, awful feeling. Know that you’re not doing anything wrong if you feel it, and that eventually, it will pass. 

 If you’re an introvert, you might think of down time and space as your friend. But, too much time alone can bring up bigger, heavier feelings rather than giving you the recharge you’re used to. If you're an extrovert, you might be surprised by how much down time you require. You may not be able to put into words the strength of your feelings, and this too can cause frustration and shock. 

 For some, there can be judgment from family, friends, classmates, or colleagues about how you’re grieving, often because they want to be helpful. They might make statements like, “It will get better. It just takes time," which doesn't really help. How much do you say or not say? How much do people really want to hear? You might question, "Am I being a burden?"


No. Of course not. But, how much you share really depends on the relationship you have the the people you're sharing with. If they’re close to you, and they’re able to listen, you might share more. If they’re superficial connections (even if it’s family), you might share less. 

If you’re really grieving, you might share more than you want to when you “lose it” after hearing/seeing or experiencing cues which remind you of your loss. Or, you might show very little. No worries! Neither way is right. Don't be surprised, though, if people wonder out loud how you're doing. You might just let them know that you're dealing with it -- on the inside.

The truth is: everyone deals with loss differently. 


And, at some points, you might have intense pain or loneliness, a feeling of something deep within you that’s missing, or sudden crying jags. Other moments might include numbness or emptiness, with a vague sense of how you think you should be feeling. Agitation, anxiety, anger, a feeling of restlessness or directionless, without a sense of what to do with it, or an absence of the usual energy you’re used to, are all common feelings. You might eat way more than usual or not have an appetite. Your sleep might be deep, or you might have disturbing dreams where you see your loved one again.

This can be very confusing and overwhelming, especially if you weren't super close to them, or had mixed feelings about them. (While this article is not about that -- I will talk about it in another article -- I want to make mention of it, so that those of you out there who have lost someone with whom you feel ambivalently, know that you're not alone). 

In other moments, you might feel almost like yourself again, make plans, and then realize, later, that you don’t begin to have the energy to deal with them, or the knowing on how to be “normal” in front of others. It can feel a lot like you’re on stage when you’re with people who know about the recent loss. People might be watching your face for signs of despair, over-empathizing, or talking about anything but the loss, to “help you feel better,” which feels like they’re avoiding the subject, a subject you may not want to talk about, but can’t help thinking about. 

 Because so much of loss is an internal, invisible and nonverbal state, it is understandable if you can’t find the words to talk, or if no words feel exactly right. The loss of a job can create a question about worth while the loss of a loved one can create a hole and a whole lot of questions about who you are, what you want, and how to move forward. 

For that reason, usual connection, feels odd, awkward. At best, okay. Give yourself permission to not be yourself. In every way. You’re not going to sleep normally, eat normally, or talk normally. Not really. There might be a wall between what you feel and how you look. You might find yourself going back to old patterns (e.g. eating more). Remind yourself that this behavior and way of feeling is temporary. A part of your mind is going to tell you that you’re losing it, but you’re not. You’re really not.

If you find people acting weird around you, you might want to acknowledge it. It only gets weirder if you don’t. :) So, you can say something like, “Look. I know you know about so-and-so or such-and-such. I’m doing okay. I know it’s hard to know what to say. I don’t expect you to know. I don’t know what I want to say half the time. It’s going to feel weird, but that’s okay. That comes with the territory.” 

If you’re close with someone, you might add, “If I need to talk, can I count on you to listen?” Check in; if they’re a good friend, chances are they’ll be there for you. When losses happen, yes, you do find out who can handle them and who cannot. 

 If someone you counted on to be there isn’t there for you, before you write them off, ask yourself if they’ve gone through a similar loss (and just aren’t good with say, coping with cancer). It’s worth asking yourself. This is not the time to make big changes in your life (such as who to be friends with). You can always decide that later. If you do feel hurt by friends, tell them, feel it, write about it, and talk with your therapist.  

Here are some basic guidelines for a big loss: 

1.   Don’t make any big decisions. 

 
2.   There is no correct way to grieve. Accept yourself and all feelings where you are right now.

 3. Be selective about who you choose to share big news and how much you choose to share. Telling everyone might increase a feeling of being watched or observed/exposed, when what you crave is privacy as you sort everything out. How much privacy you need often depends on how introverted or extroverted you are, how you cope with feelings, and how close you are with the people you can talk to.

4. Have a set statement you can say to people you don’t know well, or who don’t need to know big news, such as, “I’m going through a transition right now. And, I’m sad” Or, I don’t know what I think or how I feel about it yet.” This will eliminate the need to think on your feet when your mind is wrapped up in emotions. 

5. Know that the intensity or absence of feelings is temporary, but you might feel taken aback by how strong and at what inappropriate times the feelings come. Give yourself time to reconnect the dots. Give yourself permission to be in pain, at a loss for words, and lost. You’re in the process of coping, and ultimately evolving your identity. 

 6. Get support. Make sure you connect with people – even if it’s just over the phone or going to a café and hanging out, and set up plans to (marginally) look forward to. Even if you choose to cancel them later, you’ll be glad to not be left alone to think about how much you’re hurting.

7. Progress during a loss looks different from progress during a normal period. Put a hold on goals, and if you can’t do that, reassess what you’re truly able to accomplish given your limited attention span, sleep patterns, and emotions. 

8. Balance connection with alone time. A big thing I hear from people is that they think others don’t want to know what they’re going through. It depends on who we’re talking about! If you do feel that there is no one who wants to hear how you feel, it’s good to reach out to a therapist or support group of peers where you can receive support, encouragement, and tools to cope. 

9. Balance activity with inactivity. Planning helps create organization of feelings. And, you can balance between activities you have to do, v.s. choosing activities which support your heart and will also allow you to feel. E.g. watching movies and listening to music that either accentuates the feeling and allows you to cry, or moves you into a brief state of relief. Laughing, for example, might ultimately lead to crying, but you’ll feel better if you can break through the shell of numbness. 

 10. Create a way to memorialize this period or person in a way that honors her/him and you every year – whether it’s honoring your resiliency for making it, or your connection with a person who has died. First holidays without the person are the hardest. When you create a way to honor this time and person, it gets easier. 

Great losses cause big gaps in knowing, identity, and certainty. But, they also create great meaning and capacity to savor life in ways that you often can’t appreciate when you’re just going along with your life. Look for opportunities that help you to make meaning of what’s happening. 

As you evolve, so too will your grief. Know that for some people, there is a feeling that being happy feels like you're not taking the situation seriously enough. What a set-up for the holidays, right?! Know that you’re not doing anything wrong if you experience moments of relief (or pleasure). 

 Many people also feel guilty when they haven’t thought for a bit of the person who’s gone, and feel pulled to both live their life and hold on to the memory of the person. It’s hard to memorialize all the many moments of life and being. So, don’t try to get it all right. You don't have to be perfect about it. Just let your feelings flow.

As time goes on, you’ll go back and forth between letting go and holding on to the person while making meaning and holding the person in mind and heart in a more whole way. 

And, you're not alone. 

#loss #grief #family #hope #holidays 

Beyond Betrayal

à “How do I fully receive his hug and know that his arms have been around someone else’s body? How do I make sense of this?”

à “She allowed someone else to break into our lives, and change who we are forever. How do I forgive her?”

à “He lied to me when he could have told the truth. I thought we were so close. I thought he trusted me. How can I forgive him?”

à “She believed him not me, even though she knows I would never lie to her. It happens every time! How can I get past this and move on?”

Such good questions. Betrayal can take all forms: from childhood, with current family dynamics, with friends, or in romantic relationships, and, it is always emotional because you don’t feel betrayed unless you have felt hope and/or closeness.

When you feel betrayed, you might feel confused. You might try to figure it out in your mind, but that doesn’t work, and only makes your emotions bigger.

You might feel like someone who’s been robbed of stuff: not only of what you thought you had with this person, but also of what you were able to do before it happened.

Betrayal, by its nature, means that you were robbed of your ability to change what happened and make it better.

You might want to undo it, pretend it never happened, or that it didn’t hurt you as much as it did. No one wants to feel vulnerable. And, there is nothing that makes you feel vulnerable like betrayal.

And, yet, a huge part of moving through betrayal is re-learning how to relate to the part of you that felt betrayed.

And, to do that, you have to face the feelings of anger, confusion, and hurt you feel.

Whenever I work with people who have felt betrayed by people they care about, there’s a lot of shock: “How could this happen? Why did this happen?”

Then, the anger storms in. “Why?! Why did this happen to me? I’ve been a good _______.”

Protesting what happened is a normal stage. You’re trying to make sense of this all, create meaning of what happened. Because the thinking is, “If I figure it out this time, maybe it won’t happen again.”  

Because people feel so fragile (and who wants to feel that way?!), when they’re betrayed, there’s a lot of trying to figure stuff out, and planning ahead.

And, there’s bargaining, “If I figure this out, and prevent it, maybe it never happened.”

Shock, anger, bargaining – these are all stages in grief, according to the famous psychologist, Kubler-Ross. And, it’s true.

Betrayal induces a form of grieving: deep sadness. Grieving not only for what happened, but for what didn’t happen: the Big L: Loyalty, a great component of Love.

There can be this great sense of shame that takes over: “If only I were good enough, this wouldn’t have happened. If only I had done the right things, he would have treated me better. If only I’d been a better kid…” Shame is a cousin to perfectionism. While you know this, I’ll just say it, there is no perfect. No one needs you to be perfect. It’s not your fault. 

Even if you could have done things better in some way, you didn’t deserve to be betrayed. You deserve to have people treat you with respect, be honest with you, and be loyal to you. Everyone deserves this!

Shame can lead to vulnerability, which can lead to fear. There can be a temptation when you’ve been hurt to wall up. That’s okay. Just don’t do it forever. Most people are not out to betray you, even if they hurt your feelings (usually on accident).

So, how do you move through this? That’s a big question for a multi-layered, big experience. But, I want to offer a few suggestions:

    1. Label it. Admit to yourself that you have been betrayed. Be honest with yourself! You deserve that. Denial is not just a river…

    2. Acknowledge your feelings, and feel them. Write about them, talk about them, let yourself feel what you feel. There is nothing broken or wrong about seeing the situation and yourself as less than steel.   

3. Tell other people. Let others hear about it. Not only does it help to open up, but it reminds you that you can trust others. It also prevents shame from rearing its ugly head and telling you that somehow you created this situation. 

4. Offer support to the hurt part of yourself. What age do you feel when you think about this betrayal? Usually people see a younger kid. Imagine that you’re providing support to the kid inside you. Ask her or him what s/he needs. Offer a hug (and visualize hugging your younger self). If it helps, look at a picture of yourself from this age. J 

   5.   Remember times when you have felt hurt and gotten through it. This is about remembering your ability to pick yourself back up. This is not about saying that what happened was okay, or that you’re suppressing your mad-sad feelings. This is about resiliency and knowing you can make it through this hard time, even if you wish it hadn’t happened.

6. Seek out support/talk to your therapist. It can be hard to cope with sadness, hurt, shock, and anger AND live your regular life. And, it’s often helpful to have someone outside your life listen, provide feedback, and remind you of how far you've come.

#loyalty #betrayal #connection #relationships #healing #wellness #affairs #trust #childhood #love 

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with kind and expressive adults seeking greater understanding, meaning, and connection in their lives. 

The Sun Inside You: Moving Beyond the Void

"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.  And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back” ~ Albert Camus 

Sometimes, when you’re working hard on something in life, it feels like winter. Not the get cold then feel cozy and warm, hot chocolate treat kind of feeling. But, the "I don’t know if I’ve ever been warm,” kind of feeling. 

Sanaya Roman, in her book, Personal Power Through Awareness (1986) calls this “entering into the void." This is the place where dreams come from, where potential resides. But when you’re in it, it feels colorless, empty, flat, and complex at once, like when you have one of those 5-day colds. It feels like an eternity. 

I won’t give you a simplified explanation or trick, but I will say, it won’t last forever. 

Here are some simple steps to re-enter your life and yourself with greater kindness and depth.

The first step is to acknowledge that you are not the void. Let me repeat this: You are not the void. You are yourself, far more complex than any emptiness. 

The second step is to allow the emptiness. No push or resistance. This just is. Let yourself make room for all feeling, including no feeling.

Now, see if you can sense any other feelings underneath the loudest feelings. Sometimes, numbness is the loudest. But, it’s not necessarily the most true or even the most prevalent. Listen. Hear the other feelings. Is there a tiny ping of some hope? A sense of calm underneath the noise of sad?

Notice it. 

Now, bring some warmth to yourself. Actually picture yourself on a sunny day, perhaps the beach, feeling the sun on your arms, on your back, the warm wind on your face. 

Bring that sun inside you. 

Imagine that you’re glowing from the inside, a soft rosy sun. Let the sun expand from the inside of your chest and heart and surround you. Feel the light as love.

If you’d like, imagine a stream of golden light cascading over your head, filling you and sweeping over you. 

Breathe in the light. 

You don’t need to force anything. Whatever you feel, you feel. Let it be. But, know that just as the winter resides inside you, so too does the power to transform it! 

#down #sadness #depression #change #hope #connection #psychotherapy #mindfulness 

#visualization #power #spirituality #transitions #visualization #transformation #energy #psychology

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a licensed psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with kind and expressive people on the path to greater hope, joy, and connection. 

Mattering

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Even though she said the nicest things to me, I just can’t believe them,”  **Kara whispered. “I’m embarrassed. I should be able to receive compliments, right? I mean, she told me I was strong and that she loved my energy. But, what do I say back to that? …Thank you?”

Kara blinked as though in impossibly bright light, clearly trying to process what she had heard. Even as she repeated it to me, I had the sense that she hadn’t fully heard it. Not in a body sense. And, that’s part of how I listen as a therapist.

As I listened, my whole body tensed, especially my core, while my legs felt jumpy, like I wanted to run. I wondered if Kara felt the same way.  I often use my own body as a tuning fork, listening to what’s happening (between me and other people) through feeling and sensation. I had the sense that Kara was feeling lots of things, and that she was also kind of frozen in the moment.

I asked the classic therapist question, “What are you feeling right now?”

“I’m not sure. I feel embarrassed that I can’t receive compliments. Part of me wants to hide, but that’s silly isn’t it? She said some really nice things to me!”

I understand this wish to hide the embarrassment of not knowing how to respond but feeling like you should know. It's kind of like the strict inner parent part of the self who cares about holding it all together judging the hidden inner kid (Aww! J ).

When this happens, I always feel compassion, and I often suggest we attend to the nonverbals, the physical sensations and emotional feelings before the thoughts or beliefs. This is technically called, “bottom-up processing” style in psychology. Feelings begin in the body as sensations, and when you listen gently, the intensity falls away. You realize you can handle what’s happening, even if it’s complex.

“What are you sensing?” I asked.

“It’s hard. I mean,” and she waved her hand around her face. “I don’t have the words. “I want. I want to be able to hear what people say, when they say nice things. But, something happens. I can’t take – it in. My whole body, my mind goes blank. I keep running through what she said in my mind, but – nothing happens. It doesn’t go in.”

I could see that she was again getting lost in the feeling.

I suggested that she lower her eyes, and notice the wish to hide, and the wish to both run and know at once. She nodded. “It does feel like I want to run and hide.” I encouraged her to imagine that, but that didn’t feel fully true since she also wanted to stay -- to be there for the compliment.

But, in order to be there for the compliment, she first had to stay with her own experience and be there with herself – have a place for the compliment to truly land inside herself.

One of the ways I work with people is to find more balance between difficult feelings and places of calm within themselves. I often suggest people remember memories of being in the woods or by the beach because they bring up an almost automatic sense of peace. And, when you’re remembering the ocean or the woods, all of your senses are engaged, and, you can make space within yourself to slow down.

She had recently gone to the beach, and I encouraged her to remember how the waves looked on the shore, how blue they were, and what a wonderful day it had been. Immediately, her body relaxed. Her face softened.

“Notice the waves against the shore, their rhythm,” I said. 

She paused, appearing almost dreamy.

“Let yourself find your own inner rhythm, as though you are the waves. You are the wind against the ocean.” She began breathing with ease.

Later, she realized she felt she had to match the intensity of the compliment or respond with the same level back, which felt impossible in the moment.

Lots of people feel like this. 

It’s as though there is nothing you can say to match the level of feeling or to feel that you’re worthy of receiving such praise! The very thought of someone saying something nice brings up a lot of baggage – a lot of fears around believing that you can matter to people.

The subject of “mattering” was first named in the 1980’s. And, it’s been found to be integrally connected to self-efficacy, self-confidence, and the capacity to do feel you can make a difference in the world. It’s also the sense that you can connect meaningfully to others, that you matter to them. Letting yourself matter to others (or others matter to you) means trusting them. It’s trusting that they really know you, and that if you trust them, they won’t leave you. This is hard.

For those who grew up in families where they weren’t praised, compliments can feel pretty foreign. And, for those who grew up not being seen or known for who they were, but for what they did, it’s especially anxiety-provoking. Do they really know you? Can they really see you? What if they're just putting you on? What if they really knew you? And, once you have the sense that they do see you,  what do you do with being seen so deeply like this?

This can produce feelings much like Kara experienced: a little in shock, overwhelmed, overdoing a thank you (because the feelings don’t feel real yet), and feeling stuck replaying the situation over and over, trying to process it, even though it “should” be a positive experience.

Do you know this feeling?

Many people do. 

The amazing thing is it’s possible to change this feeling over time.

As Kara connected with the feeling of the water and her time at the beach, we brought back the feeling of the compliment. It’s best to go back and forth between intensity and calm, when you’re trying to ground yourself.

“Let yourself soften. Start with your chest. Let yourself feel just a tiny, tiny bit of the compliment, and the moment it becomes too much, remember the waves.”

As she went back and forth between the compliment and the waves, her body relaxed.  

“I can feel it now,” she said calmly. “That was a really kind thing she said. I know what to say now.” And, she grinned. 

The compliment had landed!

Elliott, Gregory; Kao, Suzanne; Grant, Ann-Marie (2004). Mattering: Empirical Validation of a Social-Psychological Concept. Self and Identity, 3: 339–354, 2004 

**(Please note that Kara is a composite of people, not one person).

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist who loves to work with kind and expressive people seeking greater empowerment, meaning, connection, and aliveness.

#compliments #self-worth #connection #trust #belonging #selfesteem #relationships #friendships #somatic #mindbody #psychotherapy #mindfulness