Beyond Betrayal

à “How do I fully receive his hug and know that his arms have been around someone else’s body? How do I make sense of this?”

à “She allowed someone else to break into our lives, and change who we are forever. How do I forgive her?”

à “He lied to me when he could have told the truth. I thought we were so close. I thought he trusted me. How can I forgive him?”

à “She believed him not me, even though she knows I would never lie to her. It happens every time! How can I get past this and move on?”

Such good questions. Betrayal can take all forms: from childhood, with current family dynamics, with friends, or in romantic relationships, and, it is always emotional because you don’t feel betrayed unless you have felt hope and/or closeness.

When you feel betrayed, you might feel confused. You might try to figure it out in your mind, but that doesn’t work, and only makes your emotions bigger.

You might feel like someone who’s been robbed of stuff: not only of what you thought you had with this person, but also of what you were able to do before it happened.

Betrayal, by its nature, means that you were robbed of your ability to change what happened and make it better.

You might want to undo it, pretend it never happened, or that it didn’t hurt you as much as it did. No one wants to feel vulnerable. And, there is nothing that makes you feel vulnerable like betrayal.

And, yet, a huge part of moving through betrayal is re-learning how to relate to the part of you that felt betrayed.

And, to do that, you have to face the feelings of anger, confusion, and hurt you feel.

Whenever I work with people who have felt betrayed by people they care about, there’s a lot of shock: “How could this happen? Why did this happen?”

Then, the anger storms in. “Why?! Why did this happen to me? I’ve been a good _______.”

Protesting what happened is a normal stage. You’re trying to make sense of this all, create meaning of what happened. Because the thinking is, “If I figure it out this time, maybe it won’t happen again.”  

Because people feel so fragile (and who wants to feel that way?!), when they’re betrayed, there’s a lot of trying to figure stuff out, and planning ahead.

And, there’s bargaining, “If I figure this out, and prevent it, maybe it never happened.”

Shock, anger, bargaining – these are all stages in grief, according to the famous psychologist, Kubler-Ross. And, it’s true.

Betrayal induces a form of grieving: deep sadness. Grieving not only for what happened, but for what didn’t happen: the Big L: Loyalty, a great component of Love.

There can be this great sense of shame that takes over: “If only I were good enough, this wouldn’t have happened. If only I had done the right things, he would have treated me better. If only I’d been a better kid…” Shame is a cousin to perfectionism. While you know this, I’ll just say it, there is no perfect. No one needs you to be perfect. It’s not your fault. 

Even if you could have done things better in some way, you didn’t deserve to be betrayed. You deserve to have people treat you with respect, be honest with you, and be loyal to you. Everyone deserves this!

Shame can lead to vulnerability, which can lead to fear. There can be a temptation when you’ve been hurt to wall up. That’s okay. Just don’t do it forever. Most people are not out to betray you, even if they hurt your feelings (usually on accident).

So, how do you move through this? That’s a big question for a multi-layered, big experience. But, I want to offer a few suggestions:

    1. Label it. Admit to yourself that you have been betrayed. Be honest with yourself! You deserve that. Denial is not just a river…

    2. Acknowledge your feelings, and feel them. Write about them, talk about them, let yourself feel what you feel. There is nothing broken or wrong about seeing the situation and yourself as less than steel.   

3. Tell other people. Let others hear about it. Not only does it help to open up, but it reminds you that you can trust others. It also prevents shame from rearing its ugly head and telling you that somehow you created this situation. 

4. Offer support to the hurt part of yourself. What age do you feel when you think about this betrayal? Usually people see a younger kid. Imagine that you’re providing support to the kid inside you. Ask her or him what s/he needs. Offer a hug (and visualize hugging your younger self). If it helps, look at a picture of yourself from this age. J 

   5.   Remember times when you have felt hurt and gotten through it. This is about remembering your ability to pick yourself back up. This is not about saying that what happened was okay, or that you’re suppressing your mad-sad feelings. This is about resiliency and knowing you can make it through this hard time, even if you wish it hadn’t happened.

6. Seek out support/talk to your therapist. It can be hard to cope with sadness, hurt, shock, and anger AND live your regular life. And, it’s often helpful to have someone outside your life listen, provide feedback, and remind you of how far you've come.

#loyalty #betrayal #connection #relationships #healing #wellness #affairs #trust #childhood #love 

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with kind and expressive adults seeking greater understanding, meaning, and connection in their lives.