“I really, really love kids! I’m so looking forward to grad school!”Chris’s eyes were bright and shining! It was a joy to see her so happy!
Suddenly, her posture changed and began to slump. “But, what if I can't do it? What if I get through grad school, and find I can’t stand the hours of teaching? Or, the grading? Or, worse, that I find I don’t enjoy teaching?” Chris sighed and looked at the floor.
I was amazed by how quickly her love turned to fear. But, then, we all know how it is to really, really want something so much, it hurts!
We’re saying, “Yes!” with our whole being, and then suddenly, as if out of nowhere, panic sets in… It’s this transition from who we are to who we want to be that gets so scary! And, this can be anything from going back to school, starting a new job or relationship, being more authentic, or trusting yourself more.
From the moment we allow ourselves to envision who we long to be and to do in the world, the twin emotions of love (passion, reverence, excitement, desire), and fear (terror, anxiety, agitation), arise.
Fear is love's constant companion. It's the part of the brain that tries to protect us, but it can backfire if it gets too big, and stifle very beautiful things from taking root all the way to bloom.
If we ignore our fears, they grow bigger: truly the monsters of our shadow self in the closet!
But, if we focus only on our fears, we lose our confidence, we hesitate and let others take the lead. Anger or sadness can arise as we lose chances to be and share our full beautiful selves in the world!
Typically, our fears are exaggerations of truths. They come from experiences we've had that haven't been fully understood, learned from, or released. They may even come from other people's nightmare stories, not our own. There's always a grain of truth to feeling scared. But, the amount they circulate inside of us may be disrupting our ability to make decisions.
We get a choice, every time we have a fear, how much we should listen to the voice of fear, and how much action to take based on our knowing.
But, in order to have that choice, we have to feel the fear. That’s the bind. Only then, can we find the growth opportunity within it and decide how valid the fear is or how much power it should have.
I like to think of the love, delight, and wonder part of us as an inner 5-year old who is so curious about the world, and wants to investigate and try everything!
The fears feel like the voice of a protective, older kid part of ourselves: the 12-year old big brother or big sister who is worried about things going right or knowing enough, but still doesn't know enough about the world to really make those decisions for us!
So, if you wouldn't let a 12-year old make a decision for you, you don't want to act from this place. But, in order to act from the part of you who is worldly, you first have to face your fears, listen with kindness, and move forward.
If you have a habit of pushing fear away, ignoring it, or hoping positive thoughts will make the big fears go away, then you may not be fully meeting yourself on the road!
It would be like running with one eye squeezed shut. How much depth do you think you're really seeing? Not much! And, if you fall, you might think, "See? I shouldn't have been running!" When the larger truth is that if you don't step out, big and open, fully seeing and owning who you are, then you're not fully prepared.
If you're scared but not acknowledging it to yourself, you're not fully focused on what needs to happen. And, we can't begin to assess the situation when we're only half-present!
If you're scared but not acknowledging it to yourself, you're not fully focused on what needs to happen. And, we can't begin to assess the situation when we're only half-present!
Our power is to hear the fear, offer compassion to ourselves, and then decide if the fear is the only truth. I'll tell you now, it's probably not! As we listen, we can allow other truths to surface -- stories which also define how we want to be in the world. And, we can learn from the fear’s message.
If you’re longing to come out of hiding and step into your life in a larger way, here are some suggestions:
1. Let yourself dream!
2. Then, ask, “What do I really want? What supports my greatest aliveness?”
3. Write your hopes down! Let yourself feel heard. Feeling heard is different from listening to the advice of the fearful part of yourself!
4. Let all aspects of who you are speak and feel heard. This includes your inner 5-year old who is courageous and delighted by the world, your inner 12-year old who is scared about the transition from the safety of where you’ve been to where you’re going!
5. Be kind to your inner 12-year old fears. They are there for a reason. Transitions (including from tween to teen), from anything are hard, especially those from inner dreams to expression in the world!
Remind yourself that you don’t have to know all the steps to acknowledge who and what you’re wanting for your life!
Remind yourself that you don’t have to know all the steps to acknowledge who and what you’re wanting for your life!
6. Remember a time when you felt scared about something you wanted, and were able to move beyond the fear and do it anyway. You might want to replay this or other experiences like this in your mind (or write about them), to remind yourself of the stories in which you've been scared and been able to move beyond the fear.
7. Lastly, the goal is not to be fearless. That probably won’t happen, so don’t wait for that! Instead, the goal is to listen with kindness to all aspects of yourself, reassure the part of yourself who is scared, bring curiosity and wonder to the process, and move from the part of you who wants to experiment with going for something you really, really want!
By acting on what you truly want, you're strengthening the part of yourself who is trusting enough of the world to try!
Good luck, have fun, and enjoy yourself!
You can do this! :)
#love #compassion #mindfulness #self-esteem #trust #courage #goals #fear #authenticity
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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with kind and expressive people who want to be truly themselves with others.
