Mess Before Change: 10 Steps

This morning, I was feeling kind of meh: organizing stuff, surveying the dishes, and cleaning out my refrigerator (all the expired yogurts and soft veggies), made messier by an attempt to organize. I took everything out to sort and to wash. It was overwhelming. Shelves from the fridge mingling with dishes from last night. Judgement rose up: why don't we do them after dinner?! Why did we watch that re-run of Girls instead?

I took a deep breath; I reminded myself that comparing this state of mess to an earlier time when the kitchen was clean was not going to help. I focused on my breathing and the tension in my shoulders and jaw. Sensations began to soften. And then, I prioritized three small goals:

1. Wash the drawers. 
2. Throw away bad veggies and yogurt. 
3. Wash three dishes from last night. Not all, just some. That was manageable.

And, then I did them. 

I can't say I felt perfect, like I did before when the kitchen was sparkling. But, I can say I felt better than I did before I started. Sometimes, it just takes willingness.

This is often the case; chaos is often the precursor to organization. Chaos can bring also bring clarity. But to do so, you have to have willingness. To quote, Buddhist monk, Cheri Huber, "The key and the name of the key is willingness." I'd also add trust, patience, and curiosity to meeting with chaos.

You have to bring everything out in order to make sense of it, know where it goes.You have to sort through things to know what you want to keep and what you want to let go of.

This is true for therapy, too. Sometimes, it feels like you’re dragging everything out of the closet, talking about disparate ideas, and only later, do you realize that your pattern of being attracted to unavailable men, for example, makes sense given an earlier loss.

Sometimes, this is more the case with feelings than facts. You have to express all that you feel (all the so-called, "mess" inside) in order to get to the hidden layer of calm. Of comfort.


10 Steps For Moving Mess into Change:

1. Take a moment and a breath now.
2. How do you feel?
3. Note the feelings in your body as well as your heart. What sensations do you notice?
4. Notice any urges to judge yourself, especially comparing yourself to where you've been before. 
There is only now. Truly.
5. Allow for all feeling, all thoughts, without pushing anything away.
6. Let yourself arrive into this moment.
7. Now, take a moment and bring to mind something you're worried about, something you've been putting off because of the chaos involved. This could be ruckus in your heart or in actually.
8. Make 3 small goals.
9 Do them today. 
10. Note how you feel. 

***

Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist who delights in working with warm and expressive adults in Portland, Oregon.

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

Posting in Opposition to Perfectionism

So, I was thinking about how to begin this post, and I thought, "I don't know how to start it, so I'll just wait until I have a better beginning."


Ironically, this post is about perfectionism and procrastination.


So, I'll start there. I'll begin with the truth. Even though I am a therapist (and, therefore, in my mind, should know better), the truth is, I still struggle with perfectionism and procrastination. I really want these posts to be new, memorable and meaningful. I want them to be useful to you, and, dare I say, it, Creative. I want them to be user-friendly.


And, yet, I also want them to live up to the standard I have in my head of all the great posts out there: you know the ones; they're either funny or poignant or both. They say something old in a new way, like a comedian, or they say something totally profoundly interesting that we've never thought of, which gets our dopamine activated! In fact, it's our search for something new that increases dopamine not just the thing itself! This is the dopamine feedback loop: search for information --> dopamine --> increased motivation --> search for more info --> dopamine. YAY!


It feels good.


Which is why we search for information.


Which is why I want this post to be useful and not boring or cliched. For most of us, just the act of putting something out there to the world is an act of bravery.


And, it's exactly this striving for perfection (whatever that is) + judgement/comparison = procrastination. We stop. We get in our own way. 


Sometimes this happens when we start and realize we don't know where we're heading. As Peter Bregman in his post on the Harvard Business Review Blog notes,(http://blogs.hbr.org/bregman/2012/06/the-emotional-adventure-of-lea.html) sometimes you have to get lost to be found. And, when you admit it, it makes you a stronger leader.Cool. I can feed that to my inner critic! 


He writes, "It takes tremendous confidence to lead. Not the confidence of having all the answers — that's arrogance — but the confidence to move forward even without the answers. You have to be capable of feeling awkward and uncertain without giving up."


What have you given up that you want to re-start?


For me, it's this post that I began last week. Yup, it's true.


So, I'm writing this post today and dedicating it to all you perfectionists out there! I'm not putting it off for another day! Whatever you're wanting to do, whether it be small or large, break it down into small steps. Tell yourself it's better to do it, to start it today, right now in fact, than to leave it unfinished or never started.That's the power of a leader.


As one of my favorite Martha Graham quotes goes, "There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ..."


Why the hell not?!


Keywords: procrastination, perfectionism, motivation, creativity, leadership, psychology, psychotherapy, coaching, wellness, confidence, self-esteem, inspiration, Peter Bregman.


http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com
Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/DrHeatherS
http://www.linkedin.com/pub/heather-schwartz-psy-d/a/973/6b

The Ironies of Kindness

Sometimes, you just can’t help but do a good thing. A man in the small town of Prineville, Oregon was trying to pry a mouse from the jaws of stray cat he’d befriended, (an often occurrence for most cat owners), and contracted The Plague. Yes, that’s right: Black Death here in Oregon. It’s shocking. Apparently, there are three types of Plagues: one that affects the lymph nodes, (Bubonic), one that affects the lungs, (Pneumonic), and the third, (Septicemic), that affects the blood stream (Septicemic), which is the one this man contracted. Rodents sicken with The Plague due to the fleas that live on their bodies, and when house pets roam outside and seek their prey, we humans become susceptible.  Symptoms for humans include: fever, chills, bloody coughing, and a near-fatal response. The man is in critical condition. Scary! And all for trying to do something nice: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/hitchhiker-writing-book-kindess-americans-shot-authorities-article-1.1096407

On the flip side, a West Virginia photographer who took to the road, hitchhiking his way across the country, on a project to write a book on Kindness, shot himself in the arm and then blamed it on someone else who was arrested for felony. What the hell? Ironically, he says he was looking for kindness in America. He created its opposite! http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/hitchhiker-writing-book-kindess-americans-shot-authorities-article-1.1096407 Oh, the ironies of “kindness”! Sometimes what we say we’re looking for is a far cry from what we’re hoping or working to find. (e.g. We tell ourselves we want a kind boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, and yet, we're drawn to someone very different and not altogether good for us).


When I was a teen, I used to put quarters in people's parking meters that were about to run out. I did this until a police officer stopped me, threatened to give me a ticket, and told me it was illegal for me to help others this way. Ironic again? 

And, yet, there are so many examples of kindness in our everyday lives that we might overlook. Here in Portland, I’m always amazed by the number of drivers who let me into their lane when I’m turning or merging, the people who share a smile, or one lady who ran outside with a tube of toothpaste she was sure was mine (it wasn’t) that was left in the bag area of QFC. 

When you look at your life today, what can you see about the level of kindness that you’re putting out there? What about the kind of kindness you’re sharing? I’m talking about everyday kindnesses like holding a door for someone. You don’t have to pull out a Plague-infested rat or shoot yourself in the arm to experience or receive it! What authentic kindness are you offering today?  

Keywords: kindness, news, intention, purpose, health, motivation. 

Heather Schwartz, Psy.D.

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/DrHeatherS

Sacred Avocado

I was cleaning my refrigerator out this morning when I noticed a crumpled paper bag stuffed between the cantaloupe and the heirloom tomatoes. It had a sag to the side and as I opened it, I saw, deep in, the avocado that I had been saving for a special salad I'd been planning. I'd bought it while it was still hard, not quite ripe, and had stuffed it into a paper bag (one of the great ways to ripen an avocado) to save for later.

Later.

Later came and was gone, and now the avocado was rotten! I'd saved it too long! I forgot to remember. I forgot to look back, deep enough into the drawer. I got caught up in my life and what was directly around me, rather than deep in the refrigerator drawer. 

Take a moment now. 

What have you forgotten? What have you been saving to express or savor until it's ripe? Or, worried it wasn't ripe enough to enjoy? What in your life needs incubation, and what needs to ripen?

Want to move toward expression in 3 steps?

1) Write your goal/wish down and break down your ultimate vision into smaller bits. Make a list of should do's, must do's, and would like to do's.

Keep in Mind: Writing goals down increases the likelihood of accomplishing them, according to a study looking at why Harvard grads make more money. It's all in the writing! Writing it down = commitment.


2) Choose ONE choice goal per day. More choices actually lead to more confusion and less action (e.g. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/27/your-money/27shortcuts.html), while choosing one goal increases your will power to do more.

3). Make your vision visible. Put this list or a sign of your goal in your vision (hiding it in a refrigerator drawer won't do!). Work on it daily. Write it down This is why Vision Boards work. 


When you look at your unique collection of skills or wishes, talents or dreams, what one step can you take today that moves you closer to expressing your sacred avocado dreams? ;)

******
Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland who delights in working with warm and expressive people seeking inspiration, joy, and connection in their lives.


Heather Schwartz, Psy.D.
http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com
Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/DrHeatherS

Keywords: goals, money, inspiration, talent, small business, start-up.