Got Clarity? You Have to See Fuzzy Before You Can See Clearly

Isn't it true that the older you get, the more responsibilities you have? There is no comparison, is there?

Taking care of the kids, pets, running from the gym to paying bills, and going to work all take precedence over going to the beach, reading at your favorite cafe, having a beer or meeting friends for lunch like you used to when you were ummm younger. It can be hard to get free time to just to think much less do something you enjoy.

That said, there are things that MUST be done, and things that can wait. Things you'd like to do, and things you'd rather not. 

Recently, I read a great article in the Harvard Business Review Blog by Bob Frisch about making better decisions by prioritizing. He has surprising advice.

First, he describes how a washing machine company decided that the water needed to be warm when hitting the detergent. Instead of deciding upon an exact temperature, the company decided that warm was hotter than cold and colder than hot. This is called, "fuzzy logic" in math. In other words, it can be helpful to make things foggier before you make them clearer. This is kind of like when you're at the Ophthalmologist and she asks: Better this way? Better that way?

How does this apply to prioritizing? Frisch suggests making to-do lists by dividing your activities into "Should Do" "Must Do" and "Nice To Do" columns.  This helps clarify and distinguish what you need, want, and must do. Then, be sure to check them off! Even when you're checking off the nice to do items, your mind will feel clearer.

Making lists leads to better health, according to experts, including author, Sonya Lyubomirsky, PhD, a psychology professor at UC Riverside who studies happiness (and wrote the book, The How of Happiness). It helps break down what feels huge and overwhelming into manageable pieces, Lyubomirsky says.

When something is incomplete, your mind holds onto it, trying to make sense of it. Offering it up to the page, and then checking it off, releases it. 

It also increases your sense of accomplishment. Recent studies have found that accomplishing a small goal first leads to greater success later. It's called "a small win" by Charles Duhigg, and is described in his new book, The Power of Habit (2012).

You might also find that what you feel is overwhelming in the moment doesn't have to be done today.

The upshot? Keeping a delineated to-do list leads to greater clarity and success.

This is empowering news to those of us whose minds are filled to the brink! 

(And, now, I'm going to go check off "write blog article and tweet it" in my Nice To-Do column! ;) ).

Additional resources for those who want additional reading:

1. " To Get Better Decisions, Get a Little Fuzzy," by Bob Frisch: http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2012/05/to_get_better_decisions_get_a.html

2. The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want, by Sonya Lyubomirsky, Ph.D. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=the+how+of+happiness

  3. The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Love and Work, Charles Duhigg, http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Habit-What-Business/dp/1400069289

4. And, for fun: To-Do List: From Buying Milk to Finding a Soul Mate, What Our Lists Reveal About Us, by Sasha Cagen: http://www.amazon.com/dp/1416534695/ref=rdr_ext_tmb

keywords: performance, motivation, inspiration, to-do lists, health, wellness, procrastination, Success, Studies, Willpower

Our Emotional Heroes

We all need heroes in our lives. I realized this yesterday as I got on the treadmill again. You see, I’ve just begun running (or, jogging, as I should say, given the speed I’m going), and it’s not easy. It is, in fact, a lot like meditating. When I’m fully immersed, there’s a clarity, a stillness, a perfect symmetry of my legs and arms, all of my body moving in synch with the world, and my mind feels very clear. This typically lasts about 2 minutes and then I'm back to trying to find my rhythm and momentum. But, it's something! ;) 

Truth be told, much of my movement is exertion right now because I'm a beginner. I guess you could say that I have beginner's body. ;) And, if I pretend that everything is fine, then I end up fighting myself all the more, kind of like pretending you’re at the beach when you’re at the dentist’s office. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself, the sound of the drill is nothing like the cry of the seagulls! 

The same is true for meditation. Try as you might to “stay calm,” the opposite becomes true. You’re fighting the thoughts instead of just allowing them to float across your mind like clouds across the sky. You’re fighting that sad feeling evoked by reading the news, and when you fight it, it grows. 

As a Vipassana meditator, much of my focus is on my sensations. So, while running, I'm focusing on the ache in my calves, the burn in my lungs, and the tingle when – at last! – I have endorphins swimming through my system like endolphins (ha ha! I’m borrowing this from that old movie, Kissing Jessica Stein). And, then as I notice all of this, the sensations and feelings evaporate. Freedom for a moment! And, then the sensations and thoughts arise again.

I wrote in my last blog article about how meditation and psychotherapy are different. In meditation, as in life, the focus is on accepting everything even if it feels unacceptable. In relational mindfulness psychotherapy, the focus is on acceptance, but also enhancement of positive states of being. In come our heroes! Didn’t you wonder when I was going to bring them in? :) 

So, the issue becomes that if we are having a hard time – in running, meditation, or life – it can be helpful to have what I call, Emotional Heroes. These are people who reflect an aspect of what’s needed in the moment to help you to be your best self.  They're people you can look up to in one way. They don't have to be perfect in every way for one of them to be an emotional hero.

They might be one person or group of people, or a music band that evoke in you the feeling you’re trying to enhance. 

For example, I listen to Green Day when running because their political agenda inspires a passionate part of me that reminds me to fight for people’s rights. Because I believe in fighting for what you believe in, I run harder. I also have my partner who used to run half-marathons as my role model and Stamina Hero for running and love. When I meditate, I think of Tara Brach, my Patience and Meditation Hero.

As a relational therapist who practices from a neuroscience bent, I work with people to use the powerful relationships in their lives to increase their sense of empowerment. Your brain can't tell the difference between what is visualized and what is enacted. So, when you visualize a mentor/hero doing something and then you visualize yourself doing it as well, your body releases chemicals that make your brain think you are actually doing the activity as the peaceful, certain, courageous, joyful person you want to be or as the jogger who runs with ease. This is why visualization is often used in peak performance/sports. 

The verdict here? When you focus on a person who inspires you, you are actively strengthening your brain and your capacity for whatever intention you are trying to actualize.

Think now:

* Who inspires you?

* Who are your heroes? 
* What intentions do you need to invoke in yourself and your life?

* Who is your Patience Hero?

* Your Stamina Hero, (the hero who helps you keep going no matter what?)

* Your Trust Hero?

* Your Courage Hero?

* Your Love Hero? 

When you need to invoke a particular way of being, try to bring your Emotional Hero to mind and respond as she or he might. 

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in private practice in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with warm and expressive people seeking greater connection, inspiration, and empowerment in their lives.

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com 

Keywords: mindfulness, meditation, psychotherapy, inspiration, running, patience, heroes, Interpersonal Neurobiology, relationships, relational therapy, joy, coping with stress, emotions.