Love After Fear

When Emma was a kid, she lived in fear. She grew up in a household where anger equaled danger, where her mother hit her father, hit her, and her younger brother, Mike. Everyone lived in fear of being singled out. Singled out meant that their mother would say nasty things and blame that person entirely for everything. It was far worse than being hit.

Mostly, Emma tried to protect Mike from their mother. On rare occasions, (and she felt very guilty for this), she would tell on Mike. Then, a torrent of anger would ensue toward Mike, but she could be assured that their mother wouldn't be coming for her next. Everyone had their secret hiding places while their mother raged, throwing things, screaming. It was bedlam when she found them. There was a lot of waiting.

And, the waiting, the silence of waiting for her mother to blow or find her became associated with the fear. She never knew what might set her mother off, because often it had nothing to do with anything she or Mike, or their passive father did. Sometimes, he left Emma and Mike alone in the house with their mother until she calmed down. This was often worse than being attacked. To be left. It was as though their father felt that they could handle what he could not.

As an adult, Emma has a fear of saying anything that will induce anger. She cowers when her manager speaks slightly agitated; she always tries to say the right things -- the things least likely to cause conflict -- with friends, and, though she has a good relationship with her partner, he really doesn't begin to know how much she keeps to herself: all her hidden worries, her fears of doing the wrong thing, and the usual irritations couples have with each other, like her dislike of the fact that he is messy and doesn't always ask her questions about her day.

She feels unable to be fully real with him, and then beats herself up for not being open. Sometimes, she feels really lonely. She's exhausted, trying to make everyone, but herself, happy. Her partner, Eric, suggested she go talk to someone. Even though he's gentle with her, he gets mad sometimes, (understandably), and it's hard to know how to talk to Emma about it without her responding either defensively or trying to make everything right. But, that's impossible to do if she's still hiding.

Therapy, has been about finding ways to calm down and reassure her inner kid so she can hear conflict without losing it or fearing that she'll lose the relationship, and about being able to speak honestly about her feelings. It's hard. But, it's good. This takes work, willingness to see, with compassion, the part of her that's still so scared (as she as a kid), and the part of her that felt she had to grow up fast -- without a choice. That's the essence of trauma.

A lot of the work is about finding the ways she does have choice. Trauma often involves feeling that you are left without choice and that the past feelings feel like they are happening in the present.  

This is especially scary if you feel all alone.

Trauma alone is much worse than trauma experienced in community.  

Beyond that, there are many strengths that can emerge out of trauma. This does not make trauma okay! No. But, traits like empathy, the capacity to see from others' perspectives and to care about them, feeling protective of people you love, knowing how to calm others, especially in times of stress, being a peacemaker, having a lot of inner strength, insight, and being wise beyond one's years are all traits that can come out of childhood trauma.

Struggling with being fully authentic is common, and trusting that others want to hear what you feel and need is something that has to be developed over time (like a muscle) because the reverse is true in dysfunctional households. It may not have been safe to express feelings or needs. 

Learning to talk about feelings, befriending emotions like anger, and stay in connection while expressing feelings are part of the work in therapy.

I always start with people by assessing their strengths. Focusing on what helps people feel calm, connected, and empowered is a huge part of the work when s/he has felt disempowered.  Learning who to trust and who you can't trust is essential: so, not staying closed off with everyone or fully open is part of the work because it is common to go to extremes (trusting everyone or trusting no one), and sometimes, these extremes are in the same person.

Trust is gradual and it's common to have it increase and decrease, even with people who are trustworthy.  

From all the people from dysfunctional households whom I've worked with, I've learned again and again about what it means to persevere: to continue to be open, to love, to trust chosen family and trustworthy people despite bad childhoods, difficult parents, and entrenched dynamics. 

It's all the process. It's all the path. 

Note: Emma is fictional. The details of Emma's life are made up, but the storyline is common, and the path of how to get better is real.

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Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist who delights in helping kind and expressive people recover from dysfunctional families and find peace, joy, connection, and empowerment.

Keywords: dysfunctional family, abuse, trauma, recovery, healing, childhood, empowerment, love, relationships, trust, authenticity.

Where's Your Home? Emotionally.

Where’s Your Home? (Or, Feeling Trust in Relationships After Growing Up Without a Role Model of What Good and Safe Feels Like)

There is a physical sense of home; you know, like where you’re from, whether you live in a house, condo, apartment, trailer, etc, who lives with you, and what décor you have, and then there is an emotional sense of home, where you live emotionally, how much you trust, and how vulnerable you are. That’s the home I’m talking about in this article.

If you grew up in a household of emotional absence (where people were physically present but not emotionally available -- because of drugs, alcohol or depression, for example --), or if you grew up in chaos (someone or you being abused in some way, including emotionally), then what HOME feels like is based on these representations.

Home is then based on feeling amped up or bereft. And, because of this, there may be a wall between you and your loved ones. They may know you love them based on what you do for them. Or, you might be attracted to people who can’t really see your vulnerability. You know the types, those too self-absorbed or too addicted to really focus on you. And, that can be pretty lonely. You may use caffeine or alcohol to feel more alive and together when you can’t depend on others.

It takes a lot to feel a sense of home between you and others if you come from a dysfunctional family. Vulnerability, when you’ve come from an absence of feeling or abuse, can feel like weakness. So, a common way of dealing with this is to locate home outside yourself by constantly checking with others/receiving reassurance to make sure you’re alright, that you’re in line with “normal.” Or, you might be the type of person who is locates home only within yourself, being overly independent and competent and not depending on anyone, though you may encourage others to depend on you. In fact, that can feel strong, while actually promoting a lack of closeness. 

Being truly open about your feelings and needs (yes, you have them!), and trusting yourself that you’re okay, when you come from a family where anything you needed was too much, or you were told that you weren’t enough, is a challenge. It’s scary. And, yet, that’s what’s needed in a healthy and balanced relationship. 

But, if you want to increase the comfort in your emotional home, that’s what’s needed.

Where to start:

Begin by acknowledging whether it’s hard to ask for what you need.

If it is, ask yourself: when do I notice that I’m needing something? Is it at the last minute when you’re about to have a meltdown? Are there some things you can ask for (like to get food when you’re hungry) but not other things (like a hug when you’re feeling disconnected?).

If you find that you easily ask but don’t feel sated or that you’re truly okay, begin to notice when you can trust and count on your own perspective.

Give yourself permission to be imperfect at this. People who grow up in unhealthy homes often have very unrealistic ideas of what it means to be normal, and very high standards for themselves about never making a mistake. 

It’s going to feel unnatural to ask for what you need (and show vulnerability) if you’re not used to doing it. Therefore, practice asking for what you need from people whom you are not close to: barristas, grocery store workers, etc. to build up your ability to ask for your needs. 

Notice when you do feel connected and at home with people. 
Visualize this sense of connection while you’re alone in order to remind your mind of it (and strengthen the neural pathways in your brain that let you know that connection can be trusted).

Write about the feelings that emerge. And, if it feels right, talk with friends or a therapist. Getting support is important because changing your way of being is hard work!

Before you know it, your emotional sense of home will feel good in a way you never imagined possible!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjFaenf1T-Y 

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist who delights in working with people from dysfunctional families find hope, meaning, love, and empowerment. 

Full Self Wellness: You Can't Think Your Way Out of Toxic

Full Self Wellness: You Can't Think Your Way Out of Toxic: You can't think your way out of toxic.  If someone is toxic in your life, and by toxic, I mean, physical ly or emotionally abusive: s/he p...

You Can't Think Your Way Out of Toxic

You can't think your way out of toxic. 

If someone is toxic in your life, and by toxic, I mean, physically or emotionally abusive: s/he puts you down; doesn't consider your feelings as important; makes fun of you, gets enjoyment out of belittling you; always takes the one-up position, suggesting that s/he knows more than you do, even about subjects they know nothing about, then no amount of thinking, rationalizing, denying, or feeling good about yourself before you see this person is going to prevent you from feeling the dynamic that this toxic person creates. Toxic always wins! It feels bad.

Except, perhaps in short doses. But, it still will affect you. And, you will still need time to recover.

Except when you have others around who identify the toxicity for you. But even then, it's hard not to let it get under your skin.

Except when you don't let them in. But, that's hard. If you don't let them in, you shut down all your reactions and feelings, and then you don't have access to your joy and hope.

You are, in essence, limiting your wellness, your ability to be authentic, open, and honest, not to mention, relaxed and happy.

Toxic people suck the joy out of interactions.

How do you know if you're in a toxic relationship (family members, boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, employee/boss, friend)?

Here are some sample questions, and if you answer yes to them, then you might be in a toxic relationship:

* Do you leave the interaction with this person or people feeling worse about yourself, even though you feel good about yourself and your life in other situations?

* Do you find that after even a short interaction, you question yourself and wonder if you know enough?

*  Do you feel lethargic and exhausted after each interaction?

* Is it hard to think or come up with responses to this person? 

* Do you have all the responsibility (especially for this person's happiness) but none of the power?

* Do you feel it's up to you to make sure this person doesn't blow?

* Does your body feel tight (mentally check your jaw, stomach, and shoulders for signs of tension)?

* Do you feel silenced or without voice?

* Do you feel less trusting of the world after these interactions?

* Do you feel disoriented, numb, hopeless, or "flat" after a conversation with this person?

* Is your self-esteem affected?

* Do you feel like the crazy one? (Perhaps because you go in feeling one way and can't really identify why the conversation felt bad, only that it did?).

If the answer is Yes to any of these, you might be in contact with a toxic person. 

Toxic people may or may not mean to be toxic, (depending on what's going on with them -- anything from Narcissism to Sociopathy to Alcoholism/drug abuse), but this doesn't mean that the damage they do is any less dangerous. Why they're doing it, though interesting, is less important than that they are causing you harm.

Toxic situations often occur where one or more people are colluding or going along with the toxic person and no one is acknowledging the truth. The truth is, a toxic person needs boundaries and structure.  Toxic people need to know they are the ones causing the problem. But, if you are not in the power seat (e.g. an adult child or an employee of a boss like this), then there have to be ways to cope which allow you to take back some of your power (empowerment) until you can change the structure. 

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What can you do to change the dynamic?

* Shorten the time you spend with them. And, even question (if it's not a parent) why you allow this person in your life. What is the role of this person in your life? Is it just a matter of letting go of an old friendship that is based on history rather than enjoyment?  If it feels hard to let go of, what do you need to learn from this person?
If it's a boss, get support from others in your life, and recognize this person's inappropriate behavior.  

* For those with spouses like this, set limits with them. You might want to get help (couples counseling) to confront their behavior. This is especially true if you see your spouse emotionally or physically abusing you or your children. Even emotional abuse is dangerous because the effects last.


* Make sure that you have contact (or bring along) someone you love who loves you while with this person/people. If someone you love can't be there, visualize them smiling at you, and remind yourself  that others don't feel about you as this person does.

* Get Mindful: "ground" yourself during the interaction, putting your feet on the ground, wiggling your toes, breathing deeper, and label your feelings (uncomfortable, sad, angry, etc).

*  Talk to others! One of the best ways to unhinge a toxic connection is to get support from others who can help you to make sense of the connection.
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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in helping people from dysfunctional families-of-origin find meaning, joy, and calm in their lives.
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Keywords: dysfunctional family, ACOA, adult children of Narcissists, self-esteem, shame, vulnerability, healing, connection, relational-cultural theory.

Whose Shame is It?

If you were to adopt a little Labrador puppy and she started chewing on your computer cord, chances are you might feel frustrated but wouldn't blame yourself because there was no way you could know that she'd do that. And, then, you'd probably try to make the environment safe so that wouldn't happen again.

But, if something happens that you're directly connected with (say, a work or school project, a conversation with a boyfriend/girlfriend or friend) and you grew up in a household where you, like the little puppy, were always blamed even if you didn't know better, or, worse, even if you weren't the one causing the problems, then chances are great that you blame yourself today.

How do you respond to the phrase, "It's not your fault"?

Typically, for people who grew up taking the blame for alcoholic, abusive, or narcissistic backgrounds, this phrase brings up a lot of emotion (and fear) even though the context or reason for blame isn't there. This is because people who grew up in atmospheres where the parent/caregiver who should have been held accountable was not confronted or stopped, you, as a child might have felt that you had enough control and should have done something different.

The truth is: you couldn't have. And, yet, it can feel safer to believe that it's possible to have control than to believe that there's no control over anything.

So, kids who grow up in chaotic and/or dysfunctional households often hold themselves to a very strict diet of rules about how to behave, how much to ask from others or to hope from others, and how much of themselves -- their true feelings -- they should allow to show. In fact, talking about true needs and feelings may feel exposing if you're not used to expressing yourself authentically.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

In your relationships, do you blame yourself even if you know, in your heart of hearts, that the issue is not your fault?

Do you frequently agree with other people for fear of creating conflict?

Do you work harder at work or school to prevent being "found out"?

Is there a part of you that fears you really are to blame?

The way some people deal with this is to become focused on someone else's needs, overly-agreeable, not recognizing their own needs, and overly-accomodating in order to feel loved.The need to feel needed replaces love in its own right because you're not really seen for who you are. You're seen for what you do not who you are.

And, the doing is coming from the fear of being called out, to blame rather than a connection to love. The truth is, with one person taking the blame and the responsibility, and the other person slacking on this, there's not a lot of reciprocity. Which mirrors experiences from a childhood spent trying to please.

So, the wound is still there.

The truth is, most people prone to shame feel that they are not enough, not good enough, or feel like an imposter when they are successful. Working on this takes time, but here are a few things you can do as you begin to work on it:

* Recognize which situations induce a feeling of shame, or the fear of being "found out."

* Trace the shame back to when you first remember feeling "not enough." 

* Watch your thoughts. Are you focused on preventing failure or reaching for success?Obviously, preventing failure comes from fear, while reaching for success means you're acknowledging your strengths.

* Focus on a time when you felt really good about yourself. What were you doing? Who were you with? Allow the feelings and experience to permeate all of your cells right now. Really allow yourself to feel comfortable and relaxed, knowing this experience of feeling good is also a part of who you are.

* Lastly, think of the vulnerable part of yourself as a puppy. The truth is, we all just want to be loved -- as we are -- faults and all. So, the next time you have a situation where you're heaping all the blame on yourself, why not stop yourself and ask, "How would I treat a puppy in this situation?" Probably with gentleness and love. You deserve that.
  
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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist who delights in working with kind and expressive people who want to experience more connection, authenticity, joy, and empowerment in their relationships.

Keywords: coping with feelings, shame, vulnerability, resiliency, dysfunctional families, ACOA, love.