You Can't Think Your Way Out of Toxic

You can't think your way out of toxic. 

If someone is toxic in your life, and by toxic, I mean, physically or emotionally abusive: s/he puts you down; doesn't consider your feelings as important; makes fun of you, gets enjoyment out of belittling you; always takes the one-up position, suggesting that s/he knows more than you do, even about subjects they know nothing about, then no amount of thinking, rationalizing, denying, or feeling good about yourself before you see this person is going to prevent you from feeling the dynamic that this toxic person creates. Toxic always wins! It feels bad.

Except, perhaps in short doses. But, it still will affect you. And, you will still need time to recover.

Except when you have others around who identify the toxicity for you. But even then, it's hard not to let it get under your skin.

Except when you don't let them in. But, that's hard. If you don't let them in, you shut down all your reactions and feelings, and then you don't have access to your joy and hope.

You are, in essence, limiting your wellness, your ability to be authentic, open, and honest, not to mention, relaxed and happy.

Toxic people suck the joy out of interactions.

How do you know if you're in a toxic relationship (family members, boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, employee/boss, friend)?

Here are some sample questions, and if you answer yes to them, then you might be in a toxic relationship:

* Do you leave the interaction with this person or people feeling worse about yourself, even though you feel good about yourself and your life in other situations?

* Do you find that after even a short interaction, you question yourself and wonder if you know enough?

*  Do you feel lethargic and exhausted after each interaction?

* Is it hard to think or come up with responses to this person? 

* Do you have all the responsibility (especially for this person's happiness) but none of the power?

* Do you feel it's up to you to make sure this person doesn't blow?

* Does your body feel tight (mentally check your jaw, stomach, and shoulders for signs of tension)?

* Do you feel silenced or without voice?

* Do you feel less trusting of the world after these interactions?

* Do you feel disoriented, numb, hopeless, or "flat" after a conversation with this person?

* Is your self-esteem affected?

* Do you feel like the crazy one? (Perhaps because you go in feeling one way and can't really identify why the conversation felt bad, only that it did?).

If the answer is Yes to any of these, you might be in contact with a toxic person. 

Toxic people may or may not mean to be toxic, (depending on what's going on with them -- anything from Narcissism to Sociopathy to Alcoholism/drug abuse), but this doesn't mean that the damage they do is any less dangerous. Why they're doing it, though interesting, is less important than that they are causing you harm.

Toxic situations often occur where one or more people are colluding or going along with the toxic person and no one is acknowledging the truth. The truth is, a toxic person needs boundaries and structure.  Toxic people need to know they are the ones causing the problem. But, if you are not in the power seat (e.g. an adult child or an employee of a boss like this), then there have to be ways to cope which allow you to take back some of your power (empowerment) until you can change the structure. 

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What can you do to change the dynamic?

* Shorten the time you spend with them. And, even question (if it's not a parent) why you allow this person in your life. What is the role of this person in your life? Is it just a matter of letting go of an old friendship that is based on history rather than enjoyment?  If it feels hard to let go of, what do you need to learn from this person?
If it's a boss, get support from others in your life, and recognize this person's inappropriate behavior.  

* For those with spouses like this, set limits with them. You might want to get help (couples counseling) to confront their behavior. This is especially true if you see your spouse emotionally or physically abusing you or your children. Even emotional abuse is dangerous because the effects last.


* Make sure that you have contact (or bring along) someone you love who loves you while with this person/people. If someone you love can't be there, visualize them smiling at you, and remind yourself  that others don't feel about you as this person does.

* Get Mindful: "ground" yourself during the interaction, putting your feet on the ground, wiggling your toes, breathing deeper, and label your feelings (uncomfortable, sad, angry, etc).

*  Talk to others! One of the best ways to unhinge a toxic connection is to get support from others who can help you to make sense of the connection.
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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in helping people from dysfunctional families-of-origin find meaning, joy, and calm in their lives.
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Keywords: dysfunctional family, ACOA, adult children of Narcissists, self-esteem, shame, vulnerability, healing, connection, relational-cultural theory.