Whose Shame is It?

If you were to adopt a little Labrador puppy and she started chewing on your computer cord, chances are you might feel frustrated but wouldn't blame yourself because there was no way you could know that she'd do that. And, then, you'd probably try to make the environment safe so that wouldn't happen again.

But, if something happens that you're directly connected with (say, a work or school project, a conversation with a boyfriend/girlfriend or friend) and you grew up in a household where you, like the little puppy, were always blamed even if you didn't know better, or, worse, even if you weren't the one causing the problems, then chances are great that you blame yourself today.

How do you respond to the phrase, "It's not your fault"?

Typically, for people who grew up taking the blame for alcoholic, abusive, or narcissistic backgrounds, this phrase brings up a lot of emotion (and fear) even though the context or reason for blame isn't there. This is because people who grew up in atmospheres where the parent/caregiver who should have been held accountable was not confronted or stopped, you, as a child might have felt that you had enough control and should have done something different.

The truth is: you couldn't have. And, yet, it can feel safer to believe that it's possible to have control than to believe that there's no control over anything.

So, kids who grow up in chaotic and/or dysfunctional households often hold themselves to a very strict diet of rules about how to behave, how much to ask from others or to hope from others, and how much of themselves -- their true feelings -- they should allow to show. In fact, talking about true needs and feelings may feel exposing if you're not used to expressing yourself authentically.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

In your relationships, do you blame yourself even if you know, in your heart of hearts, that the issue is not your fault?

Do you frequently agree with other people for fear of creating conflict?

Do you work harder at work or school to prevent being "found out"?

Is there a part of you that fears you really are to blame?

The way some people deal with this is to become focused on someone else's needs, overly-agreeable, not recognizing their own needs, and overly-accomodating in order to feel loved.The need to feel needed replaces love in its own right because you're not really seen for who you are. You're seen for what you do not who you are.

And, the doing is coming from the fear of being called out, to blame rather than a connection to love. The truth is, with one person taking the blame and the responsibility, and the other person slacking on this, there's not a lot of reciprocity. Which mirrors experiences from a childhood spent trying to please.

So, the wound is still there.

The truth is, most people prone to shame feel that they are not enough, not good enough, or feel like an imposter when they are successful. Working on this takes time, but here are a few things you can do as you begin to work on it:

* Recognize which situations induce a feeling of shame, or the fear of being "found out."

* Trace the shame back to when you first remember feeling "not enough." 

* Watch your thoughts. Are you focused on preventing failure or reaching for success?Obviously, preventing failure comes from fear, while reaching for success means you're acknowledging your strengths.

* Focus on a time when you felt really good about yourself. What were you doing? Who were you with? Allow the feelings and experience to permeate all of your cells right now. Really allow yourself to feel comfortable and relaxed, knowing this experience of feeling good is also a part of who you are.

* Lastly, think of the vulnerable part of yourself as a puppy. The truth is, we all just want to be loved -- as we are -- faults and all. So, the next time you have a situation where you're heaping all the blame on yourself, why not stop yourself and ask, "How would I treat a puppy in this situation?" Probably with gentleness and love. You deserve that.
  
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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist who delights in working with kind and expressive people who want to experience more connection, authenticity, joy, and empowerment in their relationships.

Keywords: coping with feelings, shame, vulnerability, resiliency, dysfunctional families, ACOA, love.