Recently, I was talking with someone about when she felt at home. It wasn't a steady feeling, she said, but there were singular moments when she found herself savoring life: being deep in conversation with a good friend, a feeling of settled comfort under her covers at night, and, cleaning her kitchen, ironically! She described that it was both a feeling and a physical place.
When have you felt at home?
Is it a constant feeling or does it come in waves?
Has it changed since you were a kid?
When do you feel welcome?
So many of us have this idea of what home should be. A place of peace with perfect curtains and lights that welcome you from outside. A light left on just for you, and a meal inside. A family who loves you. A partner who looks adoringly into your eyes. Plenty of money in the bank. A golden retriever greeting you joyously as you get home. Coffee with friends. Going to a party and feeling completely relaxed. There are many ways to think of home and being at home in your life.
And, if you grew up in a less-than-perfect family, maybe you have a great desire to make your home nothing like how you grew up!
But, even still, the truth is, for all of us, nothing is perfect; nothing is constant.
Beyond the great conversations and dinners with friends, beyond the Golden Retriever or Lab who dances in your presence when you arrive return from work or school, there's the reality: Dishes in the sink, frustrations and breaches in your relationship, the wish to make a difference while making a living, dirty socks in the living room, questioning how to trust or not trust, balancing life with work or school, feeling tired, zoning out in front of the tv. You might feel lonely when with friends because it's hard to be honest about certain things, or fearful of bringing up something you just KNOW your partner will flip out about. This adds to a feeling of tenuousness between you and what you think of as family and home and comfort. Add an affair or a visit from difficult parents to the normal stress of everyday life, and the relationship between you and home can seem far away.
It's harder to feel welcomed in the world when you feel distant from yourself or from people you love.
A good friend of mine said that she felt home was the connection between people. I love this definition.
Who do you call home?
Is there anything you can do to bring yourself closer to the sense of home you desire -- either physically or emotionally?
The more you're able to:
1) Notice it
2) Name it
3) Savor it
The more you'll be able to have a steady sense of home in your life.
Think now of all the times you've felt at home.
Make a list.
Choose one and think through in present tense:
Where are you?
Who are you with?
What time of day is it?
What are you feeling?
What are you seeing, hearing, or sensing?
Let yourself take in all the ways you feel at home.
Our minds think that what we visualize is actually happening, so the more you're able to visualize connection and comfort, the more you'll feel at home in in the world.
And, that's a very good thing!
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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in helping kind and expressive people feel more at home in themselves and the world.
http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com
http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com
