The "Radiant Yes of the Heart"

Are you feeling lonely? Wishing you had a better relationship or just one at all? 
The truth is everyone has felt this way before. Or, most everyone!

Every year, when the dreaded Valentine’s Day rolls around, I hear countless people talk about their longing for closeness, connection and love. It's so normal and yet so hard, isn't it?

What is love? 

“The words, ‘I love you,' spoken in moments of genuine appreciation, wonder, or caring arise from something perfectly pure within us – the capacity to open ourselves and say yes without reserve. Such moments of pure openheartedness bring us as close to natural perfection as we can come in this life. The warmth and radiant yes of the heart, like the sun, in bringing all things to life and nourishing all that is truly human,” psychologist, John Welwood writes in his book, Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships. 

How do we get there? The going is tough, especially when you’re reminded -- candy hearts, pretty paper cutouts and all --of love’s "perfect" tidings in every supermarket.

  To be cherished by one person whom you also love and adore above all others is the wish of most of us. It's lovely when it happens, and I have to say, as you know, if you're in one, it takes work. 

Love is a process not an outcome. It's an ongoing, deliberate and focused intention, even when you have a sweetie. And, it's always an inner experience as much as an outer expression of one. 

For many, even those with partners, Valentine's Day Month can feel exacting. What show of affection, what gift can relay the true depth of feeling? Wounds in the relationship (like those from cheating), or wounds carried from childhood can be stirred up around Valentine’s Day: of not being worthy of attention, affection, or genuine caring. Can you trust the one you love? Can you trust that you are loved? 

 And, if you’re a person who gives easily, it may be hard for you to trust and really receive from your partner – or others. This is about feeling loved as much as it is about loving someone else.

I know I’ve written about this before here, and I’m writing about it again because reciprocity, the capacity to receive as deeply as you give, is an essential part of any good relationship, romantic or platonic.  

I bring up platonic love because people underplay – in fits of despondency – the benefits that friendship, pets, kids, work and therapy connections, and positive family interactions create. Nourishing connections – even a smile exchanged by strangers, holding a door open, letting someone into traffic, hugging, all of these – increase our oxytocin and allow us to experience hints of joy, moments of belonging, like the warmth of sunlight on our faces. And, it's in our gratitude of each of these that we let a little more love in. Softening to it all, we make room for ourselves to feel loved.

Allowing others in gives us a sense of belonging, which is a form of love. As well-known researcher, Dr. Brene Brown notes, fitting in is not drawing attention to yourself, while belonging is being known and loved for who you are.

Take a moment now. Who knows and cares deeply about your well-being? Who lets you in? Who are you most yourself with? These are questions to remind yourself of. It takes courage and willingness to let yourself be seen.



Are you willing?


The benefits of love in any form are longstanding! Feeling love helps you to open yourself up more and create more relationships like this one.  

“To say yes without reserve… the warmth and radiant yes of the heart, like the sun, in bringing all things to life and nourshing all that is truly human,” John Welwood writes. Wow. I couldn’t say it any better, could you? 
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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in helping kind, self-reflective people speak from their hearts and feel more at home in themselves and the world.

Have Trouble Meditating? Maybe This is Why.

Jenny takes a deep breath, setting her phone app, Calm (from calm.com) to 10 minutes — just ten minutes of meditation, and tries to focus. Her mind is going a million miles an hour: “Did I do my math homework right? Do I need to pick up something for lunch? When is Matt going to be done at his appointment? I have to pick him up. He’ll be mad at me if I’m late.” The more she tries to breathe slowly, the harder it becomes to focus. Her heart is beating much faster than before, and she feels surprisingly amped up, rather than calm like the app says.

What’s happening?

Jenny grew up in an angry and chaotic family where her mother frequently yelled without provocation, (often when things seemed okay). She felt she always had to be on guard at all times for her little sister, Tam, who was always in trouble with her mother— often without reason. She was Tam’s protector. 

Jenny’s brain adjusted to years of scanning the environment, her mother’s expressions, and any change in tone in the environment, and now, when she goes to try to relax and close her eyes, she feels more anxious. 

There are times when Jenny feels less anxious, but they might happen more when she’s drinking or very tired. Or, if she does feel more relaxed, she usually buys coffee or gets in a fight with her boyfriend and then she feels more like her usual self.  She also feels down about herself because it's hard to slow down her thoughts or relax, and seems to have really bad taste in boyfriends. 

If you grew up in a family where upheaval was normal, you probably have a brain that’s used to ups and downs, or feeling uneasy. Calm might = calm before the storm! 

And, so when you try to create calm, you might feel more excited, and not in a good way! There might be a feeling that the other shoe is about to drop. Some people choose partners who have emotional ups and downs to feel more normal, to match what they're used to. Though this isn’t fun, there can be something understandably predictable about this unpredictability.

So, when nothing is happening, a person might feel bored, numb, or tired, or not know what s/he's feeling. 

In therapy, when we inquire more deeply underneath the numbness, there are usually more feelings that, when given the room, can be experienced. It takes bravery to really feel what’s under the "nothing-happening-here” feeling.

Children who grow up in chaotic environments, are often not used to experiencing softer, more vulnerable emotions (like sadness). These emotions become eclipsed by bigger, faster emotions of anger or fear, and may have created numbness or a feeling that something bad will happen if she or he relaxes.

So, it makes sense that meditation -- sitting still and prone (like a sitting duck) with your eyes closed (rather than scanning the environment) feels very vulnerable. Too vulnerable! 

That's why it's really important to take meditation or sitting still slowly.

I recommend trying meditation-- but, with your eyes open -- to increase groundedness. Meditating by noticing your surroundings is called, informal meditation. 

Here's how you do it: 

Notice what you're seeing. Notice any feelings which emerge as you focus just on what you're seeing physically. Name the sensations in your body (tense, full, heavy, tight, expansive, etc). Or, name the emotions. 

Now, notice what you're hearing. Again, notice any feelings or thoughts that come up. See if you can just observe yourself thinking the thoughts rather than going down the rabbit hole with them. If you find yourself thinking about something, that's fine. Bring your mind back to the present moment. 

Do this with sense of smell and sensation. Or, just one sense, especially one that comes naturally to you based on your learning style. 

There's no perfect way in the world of meditation. Not for anyone. 

If sitting with your eyes open doesn't work, try this with moving meditation (yoga, pilates, t’ai chi, qigong, etc). Notice your thoughts and feelings as you move, keeping your eyes open. 

Over time, you'll be ready to close your eyes. But, this takes trust -- that you don't have to be on guard, and that you can know that what you're feeling won't take over completely, lasting forever. 

There's nothing wrong with this. This isn't just a mental issue: your body actually responds to the feeling that there could be danger after years of being primed by chaos. 

So, be patient with yourself. The irony is, feeling emotions releases them. You might feel more intensity for a moment. Typically, emotions take 90 seconds to release if you focus on them. This is according to Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroanatomist. 

In therapy, or through very small moments of informal or formal meditation, you can retrain your brain to remind yourself that calm doesn’t have to mean danger. A process called, pruning (like with plants) erodes the old neural pathways which led to panic, and new neural pathways are born as you introduce calm.

With great patience and trust, you will find your way back to your inherent wholeness and the realization that you can experience greater balance, joy, and trust in the world.

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with kind and expressive people who want to experience more peace and happiness in their lives.

#meditation #trust #love #trauma #dysfunctional #family