My partner and I were in New Seasons grocery store yesterday when we bumped into our neighbor, Jim and his wife, Carol. Jim and Carol are the kind of neighbors you dream about. When we moved into our new home, Carol brought over a warm peach pie, fresh from her oven, even though she doesn't eat gluten or sugar, and couldn't enjoy it herself. When we were hanging lights last year, but having trouble with our small ladder, Jim hefted a ladder over to our house that reached our roof. When we talked of wanting fresh vegetables, Carol left bags of freshly grown vegetables near our front door, (not wanting to intrude).
And, yesterday was no exception. When we talked of being cold because the windows in our house are the originals from 1927 when our house was built, and building fires in our fireplace to keep warm, we came home to find a huge stack of wood in front of our driveway! That's Jim and Carol. We asked what we could do in return, some payback or something, and Carol replied, "Just think of it as a random act of kindness." She asked that we just receive it because Jim really wanted to do it.
You might think these are small things, but in a world where a sense of belonging, connection, and generosity are often hard to find, and in a time, (the holiday season), when materialism pervades, these are true gifts of the heart! And, they mean so much.
My partner and I have been tipping more and higher, including the people who pump our gas in this extremely cold weather we're having in Portland (for those outside Oregon, we're required, by law, to have the gas station people pump our gas). We've been smiling more and extending ourselves in hugs and actions that are feel much easier than usual. It's amazing how kindness -- free of charge or expectation -- goes such a long way. Generosity begets generosity.
When you think of giving, what do you give for free -- free of expectation?
And, equally important, is the willingness to receive. Especially if you're the kind of person for whom it's easier to give.
Take a look at your life -- from the drivers who let you into lanes to people who willingly smile or lend help -- who in your life reaches out, and how much do you receive it?
I find this takes practice.
I like to play a game with myself. Whenever anyone extends a compliment or a gift, I let myself soften, not blocking anything. I might notice where I initially tense up or want to do something in return, and instead, I soften the area around my heart, my chest, the outside of my arms, my face, neck and shoulders. I let myself receive it, fully, as though it's a burst of sunshine or warm wind against my back. And, I pause before responding to let the inner experience catch up with the outer expression. Then, when I respond, I let it be from my full heart. From all of me.
Fully receiving someone's goodness takes presence and vulnerability.
It's not about being "so great, "or about being above it all. It's about meeting that kindness and allowing it to influence you. Softening to it all.
Think about when you do this. Maybe with a kiddo or your partner, or with friends who know you really well. Let that experience of being fully open and willing to connect permeate your feeling right now.
Does that make it easier to imagine receiving or giving?
You might try going back and forth with a partner with just the feeling to begin with: first, one person feels appreciation towards the other (smiling at that person), while the other practices receiving just the feeling of appreciation. And, then vice versa. Now, try it with words. Notice what feelings emerge. Which is easier? Receiving or giving appreciation? Practice whichever is hardest for you. Allow your whole self to relax into the feeling of being open in connection.
The holidays are a great time to practice the art of giving and receiving, and the best part is that it doesn't have to be with material goods. Because the holidays are a hard time for many people, the act of giving and receiving from the heart, without expectation, can be one of our greatest gifts. Give a suggestion; let someone into traffic; offer a hug.
Once you connect from the heart, this process of giving without expectation and receiving with your full presence can be a gift that keeps on giving throughout your lifetime!
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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a licensed psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with kind and expressive people who want to feel more at home in themselves and the world.
Keywords: giving, receiving, love, healing, gratitude, community, connection, the holidays, expectations, joy.
