Loss and The Holidays

Loss and the Holidays

Loss is one of the worst things you can experience during the holidays when expectations from ourselves and others are on (often family) connection, general merriment, and generosity. And, while this article is really about losing a person, it also can apply to losing your job, having a serious illness, or nearly losing someone.

Loss feels awful. To be alive and to be in connection is to inevitably lose someone who has made an impact on your life.

How do you get into the spirit? How do you think about generosity when you’re just getting by? How do you connect with others? What do you say? How do you respond to the long faces of those who know, vs the puzzled looks of those who don’t? 

These are good questions. The truth is, there is no right way to grieve, but know that you’re not doing it wrong. Feeling sad, angry or in shock are all normal feelings. And, being in connection with the right people, taking time for yourself, setting appropriate goals, and accepting yourself as you are, are all steps along the way to healing.

Long periods away from school or work can just increase the loneliness, but it can be hard to know how to talk about what you’re feeling or even how to connect with other people while also feeling unhappy.  And, loss is not just about loneliness; it’s about emptiness. Emptiness occurs when something or someone who held space inside you (even if you didn’t enjoy him/her fully), is now gone. It’s a lousy, awful feeling. Know that you’re not doing anything wrong if you feel it, and that eventually, it will pass. 

 If you’re an introvert, you might think of down time and space as your friend. But, too much time alone can bring up bigger, heavier feelings rather than giving you the recharge you’re used to. If you're an extrovert, you might be surprised by how much down time you require. You may not be able to put into words the strength of your feelings, and this too can cause frustration and shock. 

 For some, there can be judgment from family, friends, classmates, or colleagues about how you’re grieving, often because they want to be helpful. They might make statements like, “It will get better. It just takes time," which doesn't really help. How much do you say or not say? How much do people really want to hear? You might question, "Am I being a burden?"


No. Of course not. But, how much you share really depends on the relationship you have the the people you're sharing with. If they’re close to you, and they’re able to listen, you might share more. If they’re superficial connections (even if it’s family), you might share less. 

If you’re really grieving, you might share more than you want to when you “lose it” after hearing/seeing or experiencing cues which remind you of your loss. Or, you might show very little. No worries! Neither way is right. Don't be surprised, though, if people wonder out loud how you're doing. You might just let them know that you're dealing with it -- on the inside.

The truth is: everyone deals with loss differently. 


And, at some points, you might have intense pain or loneliness, a feeling of something deep within you that’s missing, or sudden crying jags. Other moments might include numbness or emptiness, with a vague sense of how you think you should be feeling. Agitation, anxiety, anger, a feeling of restlessness or directionless, without a sense of what to do with it, or an absence of the usual energy you’re used to, are all common feelings. You might eat way more than usual or not have an appetite. Your sleep might be deep, or you might have disturbing dreams where you see your loved one again.

This can be very confusing and overwhelming, especially if you weren't super close to them, or had mixed feelings about them. (While this article is not about that -- I will talk about it in another article -- I want to make mention of it, so that those of you out there who have lost someone with whom you feel ambivalently, know that you're not alone). 

In other moments, you might feel almost like yourself again, make plans, and then realize, later, that you don’t begin to have the energy to deal with them, or the knowing on how to be “normal” in front of others. It can feel a lot like you’re on stage when you’re with people who know about the recent loss. People might be watching your face for signs of despair, over-empathizing, or talking about anything but the loss, to “help you feel better,” which feels like they’re avoiding the subject, a subject you may not want to talk about, but can’t help thinking about. 

 Because so much of loss is an internal, invisible and nonverbal state, it is understandable if you can’t find the words to talk, or if no words feel exactly right. The loss of a job can create a question about worth while the loss of a loved one can create a hole and a whole lot of questions about who you are, what you want, and how to move forward. 

For that reason, usual connection, feels odd, awkward. At best, okay. Give yourself permission to not be yourself. In every way. You’re not going to sleep normally, eat normally, or talk normally. Not really. There might be a wall between what you feel and how you look. You might find yourself going back to old patterns (e.g. eating more). Remind yourself that this behavior and way of feeling is temporary. A part of your mind is going to tell you that you’re losing it, but you’re not. You’re really not.

If you find people acting weird around you, you might want to acknowledge it. It only gets weirder if you don’t. :) So, you can say something like, “Look. I know you know about so-and-so or such-and-such. I’m doing okay. I know it’s hard to know what to say. I don’t expect you to know. I don’t know what I want to say half the time. It’s going to feel weird, but that’s okay. That comes with the territory.” 

If you’re close with someone, you might add, “If I need to talk, can I count on you to listen?” Check in; if they’re a good friend, chances are they’ll be there for you. When losses happen, yes, you do find out who can handle them and who cannot. 

 If someone you counted on to be there isn’t there for you, before you write them off, ask yourself if they’ve gone through a similar loss (and just aren’t good with say, coping with cancer). It’s worth asking yourself. This is not the time to make big changes in your life (such as who to be friends with). You can always decide that later. If you do feel hurt by friends, tell them, feel it, write about it, and talk with your therapist.  

Here are some basic guidelines for a big loss: 

1.   Don’t make any big decisions. 

 
2.   There is no correct way to grieve. Accept yourself and all feelings where you are right now.

 3. Be selective about who you choose to share big news and how much you choose to share. Telling everyone might increase a feeling of being watched or observed/exposed, when what you crave is privacy as you sort everything out. How much privacy you need often depends on how introverted or extroverted you are, how you cope with feelings, and how close you are with the people you can talk to.

4. Have a set statement you can say to people you don’t know well, or who don’t need to know big news, such as, “I’m going through a transition right now. And, I’m sad” Or, I don’t know what I think or how I feel about it yet.” This will eliminate the need to think on your feet when your mind is wrapped up in emotions. 

5. Know that the intensity or absence of feelings is temporary, but you might feel taken aback by how strong and at what inappropriate times the feelings come. Give yourself time to reconnect the dots. Give yourself permission to be in pain, at a loss for words, and lost. You’re in the process of coping, and ultimately evolving your identity. 

 6. Get support. Make sure you connect with people – even if it’s just over the phone or going to a café and hanging out, and set up plans to (marginally) look forward to. Even if you choose to cancel them later, you’ll be glad to not be left alone to think about how much you’re hurting.

7. Progress during a loss looks different from progress during a normal period. Put a hold on goals, and if you can’t do that, reassess what you’re truly able to accomplish given your limited attention span, sleep patterns, and emotions. 

8. Balance connection with alone time. A big thing I hear from people is that they think others don’t want to know what they’re going through. It depends on who we’re talking about! If you do feel that there is no one who wants to hear how you feel, it’s good to reach out to a therapist or support group of peers where you can receive support, encouragement, and tools to cope. 

9. Balance activity with inactivity. Planning helps create organization of feelings. And, you can balance between activities you have to do, v.s. choosing activities which support your heart and will also allow you to feel. E.g. watching movies and listening to music that either accentuates the feeling and allows you to cry, or moves you into a brief state of relief. Laughing, for example, might ultimately lead to crying, but you’ll feel better if you can break through the shell of numbness. 

 10. Create a way to memorialize this period or person in a way that honors her/him and you every year – whether it’s honoring your resiliency for making it, or your connection with a person who has died. First holidays without the person are the hardest. When you create a way to honor this time and person, it gets easier. 

Great losses cause big gaps in knowing, identity, and certainty. But, they also create great meaning and capacity to savor life in ways that you often can’t appreciate when you’re just going along with your life. Look for opportunities that help you to make meaning of what’s happening. 

As you evolve, so too will your grief. Know that for some people, there is a feeling that being happy feels like you're not taking the situation seriously enough. What a set-up for the holidays, right?! Know that you’re not doing anything wrong if you experience moments of relief (or pleasure). 

 Many people also feel guilty when they haven’t thought for a bit of the person who’s gone, and feel pulled to both live their life and hold on to the memory of the person. It’s hard to memorialize all the many moments of life and being. So, don’t try to get it all right. You don't have to be perfect about it. Just let your feelings flow.

As time goes on, you’ll go back and forth between letting go and holding on to the person while making meaning and holding the person in mind and heart in a more whole way. 

And, you're not alone. 

#loss #grief #family #hope #holidays