Paging through Pottery Barn’s lovely catalogue, I’ve already found the perfect organic, cotton, bright-colored towels, a gorgeous spread for the guest room since I love to create a welcoming space for people (and this feels nurturing to me), and a new sink that I don’t need: bright and cheerfully white and silver. As I continue to look, I feel swept away by a room brightened by new bright, colorful decor that I don't need but want. *Sigh.*
How many of us have not experienced wanting something we don't need? In a sea of endless options, it’s easy to get plagued by the waves of want. Money or "stuff" is often a conduit for feelings. Often, the more we want, the more we buy, and the more we buy, the less we feel satiated, perhaps because what we want is not what we're buying! So, how do we cope with this want, bear it, or even understand it?
Meditation helps. Mindfulness (either in formal meditation practice or informal observation of the Self), encourages acceptance of all feelings and experiences, and widens the lens between the emotional self and the observer self, as well as between feelings and actions.
Take a moment now and think about the last time you craved something. Really craved it. That piece of chocolate cake, that extra drink, the shoes you must have… was there something else you were needing, such as connection, comfort, security, or joy?
Was there a feeling you wanted to maintain or enhance? (Even positive emotions can feel overly stimulating sometimes, and can lead us to engaging in buying things we may not need in order to cope with strong feelings). Or, perhaps it livens up a deadened, numb, or bored feeling. A need for feeling may drive a need for action. But, what action? Was there another action or need we are trying to fill (or feel, as I almost wrote, instead of fill)?
Was there a feeling you wanted to maintain or enhance? (Even positive emotions can feel overly stimulating sometimes, and can lead us to engaging in buying things we may not need in order to cope with strong feelings). Or, perhaps it livens up a deadened, numb, or bored feeling. A need for feeling may drive a need for action. But, what action? Was there another action or need we are trying to fill (or feel, as I almost wrote, instead of fill)?
Try this: If you find yourself wanting something that you don’t actually need, ask yourself:
- What am I noticing as I look at this object/experience?
- How do I feel?
Examples of negative emotions: frustrated, angry, boredom, disappointed, lonely, sad, rejected, anxious, nervous, disturbed, detached, disconnected, low.
Examples of positive emotions: Happy, exhilarated, joyful, delighted, calm, content, or, centered.
- Am I experiencing any memories or associations with this object/experience? If so, what are they?
- Visualize happy memories (your brain releases oxytocin and/or vasopressin when imagining connectedness with others which increases calm and decreases stress).
- Write about negative associations with your objects of choice (which helps break the feelings down into manageable chunks and release them).
- Notice any needs you are experiencing. Are you truly hungry? Are you thirsty? Do you feel lonely?
- Are you trying to brighten or enhance a particular mood? Are you reminded of the past in a positive way?
- Can you evoke these feelings in other ways, (writing, painting, walking, talking to a friend), etc. or approximate your desires in other ways?
You can increase your mindfulness of the experience by labeling it as an object/experience of comfort, joy, connection, etc. This creates greater integration in your mind, and greater likelihood that you’ll be choosing activities which increase your fulfillment and delight in life. :)
