Mattering

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Even though she said the nicest things to me, I just can’t believe them,”  **Kara whispered. “I’m embarrassed. I should be able to receive compliments, right? I mean, she told me I was strong and that she loved my energy. But, what do I say back to that? …Thank you?”

Kara blinked as though in impossibly bright light, clearly trying to process what she had heard. Even as she repeated it to me, I had the sense that she hadn’t fully heard it. Not in a body sense. And, that’s part of how I listen as a therapist.

As I listened, my whole body tensed, especially my core, while my legs felt jumpy, like I wanted to run. I wondered if Kara felt the same way.  I often use my own body as a tuning fork, listening to what’s happening (between me and other people) through feeling and sensation. I had the sense that Kara was feeling lots of things, and that she was also kind of frozen in the moment.

I asked the classic therapist question, “What are you feeling right now?”

“I’m not sure. I feel embarrassed that I can’t receive compliments. Part of me wants to hide, but that’s silly isn’t it? She said some really nice things to me!”

I understand this wish to hide the embarrassment of not knowing how to respond but feeling like you should know. It's kind of like the strict inner parent part of the self who cares about holding it all together judging the hidden inner kid (Aww! J ).

When this happens, I always feel compassion, and I often suggest we attend to the nonverbals, the physical sensations and emotional feelings before the thoughts or beliefs. This is technically called, “bottom-up processing” style in psychology. Feelings begin in the body as sensations, and when you listen gently, the intensity falls away. You realize you can handle what’s happening, even if it’s complex.

“What are you sensing?” I asked.

“It’s hard. I mean,” and she waved her hand around her face. “I don’t have the words. “I want. I want to be able to hear what people say, when they say nice things. But, something happens. I can’t take – it in. My whole body, my mind goes blank. I keep running through what she said in my mind, but – nothing happens. It doesn’t go in.”

I could see that she was again getting lost in the feeling.

I suggested that she lower her eyes, and notice the wish to hide, and the wish to both run and know at once. She nodded. “It does feel like I want to run and hide.” I encouraged her to imagine that, but that didn’t feel fully true since she also wanted to stay -- to be there for the compliment.

But, in order to be there for the compliment, she first had to stay with her own experience and be there with herself – have a place for the compliment to truly land inside herself.

One of the ways I work with people is to find more balance between difficult feelings and places of calm within themselves. I often suggest people remember memories of being in the woods or by the beach because they bring up an almost automatic sense of peace. And, when you’re remembering the ocean or the woods, all of your senses are engaged, and, you can make space within yourself to slow down.

She had recently gone to the beach, and I encouraged her to remember how the waves looked on the shore, how blue they were, and what a wonderful day it had been. Immediately, her body relaxed. Her face softened.

“Notice the waves against the shore, their rhythm,” I said. 

She paused, appearing almost dreamy.

“Let yourself find your own inner rhythm, as though you are the waves. You are the wind against the ocean.” She began breathing with ease.

Later, she realized she felt she had to match the intensity of the compliment or respond with the same level back, which felt impossible in the moment.

Lots of people feel like this. 

It’s as though there is nothing you can say to match the level of feeling or to feel that you’re worthy of receiving such praise! The very thought of someone saying something nice brings up a lot of baggage – a lot of fears around believing that you can matter to people.

The subject of “mattering” was first named in the 1980’s. And, it’s been found to be integrally connected to self-efficacy, self-confidence, and the capacity to do feel you can make a difference in the world. It’s also the sense that you can connect meaningfully to others, that you matter to them. Letting yourself matter to others (or others matter to you) means trusting them. It’s trusting that they really know you, and that if you trust them, they won’t leave you. This is hard.

For those who grew up in families where they weren’t praised, compliments can feel pretty foreign. And, for those who grew up not being seen or known for who they were, but for what they did, it’s especially anxiety-provoking. Do they really know you? Can they really see you? What if they're just putting you on? What if they really knew you? And, once you have the sense that they do see you,  what do you do with being seen so deeply like this?

This can produce feelings much like Kara experienced: a little in shock, overwhelmed, overdoing a thank you (because the feelings don’t feel real yet), and feeling stuck replaying the situation over and over, trying to process it, even though it “should” be a positive experience.

Do you know this feeling?

Many people do. 

The amazing thing is it’s possible to change this feeling over time.

As Kara connected with the feeling of the water and her time at the beach, we brought back the feeling of the compliment. It’s best to go back and forth between intensity and calm, when you’re trying to ground yourself.

“Let yourself soften. Start with your chest. Let yourself feel just a tiny, tiny bit of the compliment, and the moment it becomes too much, remember the waves.”

As she went back and forth between the compliment and the waves, her body relaxed.  

“I can feel it now,” she said calmly. “That was a really kind thing she said. I know what to say now.” And, she grinned. 

The compliment had landed!

Elliott, Gregory; Kao, Suzanne; Grant, Ann-Marie (2004). Mattering: Empirical Validation of a Social-Psychological Concept. Self and Identity, 3: 339–354, 2004 

**(Please note that Kara is a composite of people, not one person).

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist who loves to work with kind and expressive people seeking greater empowerment, meaning, connection, and aliveness.

#compliments #self-worth #connection #trust #belonging #selfesteem #relationships #friendships #somatic #mindbody #psychotherapy #mindfulness