Recently, an acquaintance whom I'll call, Lori, lost her mom. It was sudden, it was shocking, and she loved her very much.
But, here's the thing; Lori has always been an optimist. Or, perhaps a better way to say it, is that she's been a denialist.
A good friend of Lori's invited 3 of their closest friends to be bridesmaids in her wedding, but, she didn't invite Lori. The five of them had been close friends in college and beyond.
At the last minute, she asked Lori if Lori wanted to join the bridal party for a dinner. To me, Lori quipped, "Wow. I feel so honored to invited to dinner!" When I asked, with some hesitation, (not wanting to hurt her more), whether Lori felt hurt about not being chosen to be part of the bridal party, she looked at me dumbfounded. "It's such an honor to be included in her wedding. Why would I feel hurt?"
Lori made comments that there was no point in "dwelling in negativity." And, yet, as a psychologist, I have to say that there's a difference between dwelling (a.k.a. making a home in negativity, where you review, in great detail, every time you've been slighted) versus allowing yourself to feel hurt or angry -- and then moving on.
A few years ago, when Lori had a breakup with her partner of 5 years, she commented "Well, out with the old and on with the new." She had been madly in love with her partner, and the breakup was definitely NOT her idea. And yet, she seemed unable or unwilling to feel the hurt/anger storm, and any mention of her ex prompted a new comment about moving on and "just going from here."
So, since her mom died suddenly, Lori has been stuck. Perplexed. Dumbfounded. She has experienced less happiness, and said recently,"This wasn't the way it was supposed to happen," even though her mom had a full life (dying in her 80's).
Nonetheless, there is nothing that can prepare you for the wash of feelings that emerges from the loss of a parent. Nothing. Those of you who have experienced this, know that.
But, because Lori has spent her life pretending that the bad is good and not acknowledging small hurtful moments, she hasn't had practice for the big stuff. She doesn't know how to process her emotions: breaking them down into smaller chunks, reaching out to others, knowing how to talk about her thoughts and feelings, and re-integrating her experience into who she is, based on past, present, and future. Her only strategy is to pretend everything is fine, convince herself that the situation is actually good, and move on.
If you know people like Lori, it's painful to watch. And, if you are someone like Lori, deep down, you know the pain.
What does work?
* Talking with friends.
* Seeing a therapist.
* Learning to acknowledge and express your pain, anger, hurt, loss.
* Taking one small action to move through pain.
* Acknowledging the good after you feel the hard parts.
* And, then moving on.
And, this takes time.
But, it can be done.
And, what happens over time, is that the more you process the hard parts, the more you build, like a muscle, your ability to tolerate what feels intolerable.
*********************
Heather Schwartz, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Portland, Oregon. She delights in working with warm and expressive people who want to experience increased inspiration at work, greater connection, and empowerment in life.
No comments:
Post a Comment