When Emma was a kid, she lived in fear. She grew up in a household where anger equaled danger, where her mother hit her father, hit her, and her younger brother, Mike. Everyone lived in fear of being singled out. Singled out meant that their mother would say nasty things and blame that person entirely for everything. It was far worse than being hit.
Mostly, Emma tried to protect Mike from their mother. On rare occasions, (and she felt very guilty for this), she would tell on Mike. Then, a torrent of anger would ensue toward Mike, but she could be assured that their mother wouldn't be coming for her next. Everyone had their secret hiding places while their mother raged, throwing things, screaming. It was bedlam when she found them. There was a lot of waiting.
And, the waiting, the silence of waiting for her mother to blow or find her became associated with the fear. She never knew what might set her mother off, because often it had nothing to do with anything she or Mike, or their passive father did. Sometimes, he left Emma and Mike alone in the house with their mother until she calmed down. This was often worse than being attacked. To be left. It was as though their father felt that they could handle what he could not.
As an adult, Emma has a fear of saying anything that will induce anger. She cowers when her manager speaks slightly agitated; she always tries to say the right things -- the things least likely to cause conflict -- with friends, and, though she has a good relationship with her partner, he really doesn't begin to know how much she keeps to herself: all her hidden worries, her fears of doing the wrong thing, and the usual irritations couples have with each other, like her dislike of the fact that he is messy and doesn't always ask her questions about her day.
She feels unable to be fully real with him, and then beats herself up for not being open. Sometimes, she feels really lonely. She's exhausted, trying to make everyone, but herself, happy. Her partner, Eric, suggested she go talk to someone. Even though he's gentle with her, he gets mad sometimes, (understandably), and it's hard to know how to talk to Emma about it without her responding either defensively or trying to make everything right. But, that's impossible to do if she's still hiding.
Therapy, has been about finding ways to calm down and reassure her inner kid so she can hear conflict without losing it or fearing that she'll lose the relationship, and about being able to speak honestly about her feelings. It's hard. But, it's good. This takes work, willingness to see, with compassion, the part of her that's still so scared (as she as a kid), and the part of her that felt she had to grow up fast -- without a choice. That's the essence of trauma.
A lot of the work is about finding the ways she does have choice. Trauma often involves feeling that you are left without choice and that the past feelings feel like they are happening in the present.
This is especially scary if you feel all alone.
Trauma alone is much worse than trauma experienced in community.
Beyond that, there are many strengths that can emerge out of trauma. This does not make trauma okay! No. But, traits like empathy, the capacity to see from others' perspectives and to care about them, feeling protective of people you love, knowing how to calm others, especially in times of stress, being a peacemaker, having a lot of inner strength, insight, and being wise beyond one's years are all traits that can come out of childhood trauma.
Struggling with being fully authentic is common, and trusting that others want to hear what you feel and need is something that has to be developed over time (like a muscle) because the reverse is true in dysfunctional households. It may not have been safe to express feelings or needs.
Learning to talk about feelings, befriending emotions like anger, and stay in connection while expressing feelings are part of the work in therapy.
I always start with people by assessing their strengths. Focusing on what helps people feel calm, connected, and empowered is a huge part of the work when s/he has felt disempowered. Learning who to trust and who you can't trust is essential: so, not staying closed off with everyone or fully open is part of the work because it is common to go to extremes (trusting everyone or trusting no one), and sometimes, these extremes are in the same person.
Trust is gradual and it's common to have it increase and decrease, even with people who are trustworthy.
From all the people from dysfunctional households whom I've worked with, I've learned again and again about what it means to persevere: to continue to be open, to love, to trust chosen family and trustworthy people despite bad childhoods, difficult parents, and entrenched dynamics.
It's all the process. It's all the path.
Note: Emma is fictional. The details of Emma's life are made up, but the storyline is common, and the path of how to get better is real.
*******************************************
Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist who delights in helping kind and expressive people recover from dysfunctional families and find peace, joy, connection, and empowerment.
Keywords: dysfunctional family, abuse, trauma, recovery, healing, childhood, empowerment, love, relationships, trust, authenticity.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Where's Your Home? Emotionally.
Where’s Your Home? (Or,
Feeling Trust in Relationships After Growing Up Without a Role Model of What Good
and Safe Feels Like)
There is a physical sense of home; you know, like where you’re
from, whether you live in a house, condo, apartment, trailer, etc, who lives
with you, and what décor you have, and then there is an emotional sense of
home, where you live emotionally, how much you trust, and how vulnerable you
are. That’s the home I’m talking about in this article.
If you grew up in a household of emotional absence (where
people were physically present but not emotionally available -- because of
drugs, alcohol or depression, for example --), or if you grew up in chaos (someone
or you being abused in some way, including emotionally), then what HOME feels
like is based on these representations.
Home is then based on feeling amped up or bereft. And, because of this, there may be a wall
between you and your loved ones. They may know you love them based on what you
do for them. Or, you might be attracted to people who can’t really see your
vulnerability. You know the types, those too self-absorbed or too addicted to
really focus on you. And, that can be pretty lonely. You may use caffeine or
alcohol to feel more alive and together when you can’t depend on others.
It takes a lot to feel a sense of home between you and others if you come from a dysfunctional family. Vulnerability, when you’ve come from an absence of feeling
or abuse, can feel like weakness. So, a common way of dealing with this is to
locate home outside yourself by constantly checking with others/receiving reassurance to make sure
you’re alright, that you’re in line with “normal.” Or, you might be the type of
person who is locates home only within yourself, being overly independent and
competent and not depending on anyone, though you may encourage others to
depend on you. In fact, that can feel strong, while actually promoting a lack
of closeness.
Being truly open about your feelings and needs (yes, you
have them!), and trusting yourself that you’re okay, when you come from a
family where anything you needed was too much, or you were told that you weren’t
enough, is a challenge. It’s scary. And, yet, that’s what’s needed in a healthy
and balanced relationship.
But, if you want to increase the comfort in your emotional
home, that’s what’s needed.
Where to start:
Begin by acknowledging whether it’s hard to ask for what you
need.
If it is, ask yourself: when do I notice that I’m needing
something? Is it at the last minute when you’re about to have a meltdown? Are
there some things you can ask for (like to get food when you’re hungry) but not
other things (like a hug when you’re feeling disconnected?).
If you find that you easily ask but don’t feel sated or that
you’re truly okay, begin to notice when you can trust and count on your own
perspective.
Give yourself permission to be imperfect at this. People who
grow up in unhealthy homes often have very unrealistic ideas of what it means
to be normal, and very high standards for themselves about never making a
mistake.
It’s going to feel unnatural to ask for what you need (and
show vulnerability) if you’re not used to doing it. Therefore, practice asking
for what you need from people whom you are not close to: barristas, grocery
store workers, etc. to build up your ability to ask for your needs.
Notice when you do feel connected and at home with people.
Visualize this sense of connection while you’re alone in order to remind your mind of it (and strengthen the neural pathways in your brain that let you know that connection can be trusted).
Visualize this sense of connection while you’re alone in order to remind your mind of it (and strengthen the neural pathways in your brain that let you know that connection can be trusted).
Write about the feelings that emerge. And, if it feels
right, talk with friends or a therapist. Getting support is important because changing your way of being is hard work!
Before you know it, your emotional sense of home will feel
good in a way you never imagined possible!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjFaenf1T-Y
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjFaenf1T-Y
*********************
Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist who delights in working with people from dysfunctional families find hope, meaning, love, and empowerment.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Full Self Wellness: You Can't Think Your Way Out of Toxic
Full Self Wellness: You Can't Think Your Way Out of Toxic: You can't think your way out of toxic. If someone is toxic in your life, and by toxic, I mean, physical ly or emotionally abusive: s/he p...
Saturday, January 12, 2013
You Can't Think Your Way Out of Toxic
You can't think your way out of toxic.
If someone is toxic in your life, and by toxic, I mean, physically or emotionally abusive: s/he puts you down; doesn't consider your feelings as important; makes fun of you, gets enjoyment out of belittling you; always takes the one-up position, suggesting that s/he knows more than you do, even about subjects they know nothing about, then no amount of thinking, rationalizing, denying, or feeling good about yourself before you see this person is going to prevent you from feeling the dynamic that this toxic person creates. Toxic always wins! It feels bad.
Except, perhaps in short doses. But, it still will affect you. And, you will still need time to recover.
Except when you have others around who identify the toxicity for you. But even then, it's hard not to let it get under your skin.
Except when you don't let them in. But, that's hard. If you don't let them in, you shut down all your reactions and feelings, and then you don't have access to your joy and hope.
You are, in essence, limiting your wellness, your ability to be authentic, open, and honest, not to mention, relaxed and happy.
Toxic people suck the joy out of interactions.
How do you know if you're in a toxic relationship (family members, boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, employee/boss, friend)?
Here are some sample questions, and if you answer yes to them, then you might be in a toxic relationship:
* Do you leave the interaction with this person or people feeling worse about yourself, even though you feel good about yourself and your life in other situations?
* Do you find that after even a short interaction, you question yourself and wonder if you know enough?
* Do you feel lethargic and exhausted after each interaction?
* Is it hard to think or come up with responses to this person?
* Do you have all the responsibility (especially for this person's happiness) but none of the power?
* Do you feel it's up to you to make sure this person doesn't blow?
* Does your body feel tight (mentally check your jaw, stomach, and shoulders for signs of tension)?
* Do you feel silenced or without voice?
* Do you feel less trusting of the world after these interactions?
* Do you feel disoriented, numb, hopeless, or "flat" after a conversation with this person?
* Is your self-esteem affected?
* Do you feel like the crazy one? (Perhaps because you go in feeling one way and can't really identify why the conversation felt bad, only that it did?).
If the answer is Yes to any of these, you might be in contact with a toxic person.
Toxic people may or may not mean to be toxic, (depending on what's going on with them -- anything from Narcissism to Sociopathy to Alcoholism/drug abuse), but this doesn't mean that the damage they do is any less dangerous. Why they're doing it, though interesting, is less important than that they are causing you harm.
Toxic situations often occur where one or more people are colluding or going along with the toxic person and no one is acknowledging the truth. The truth is, a toxic person needs boundaries and structure. Toxic people need to know they are the ones causing the problem. But, if you are not in the power seat (e.g. an adult child or an employee of a boss like this), then there have to be ways to cope which allow you to take back some of your power (empowerment) until you can change the structure.
***
What can you do to change the dynamic?
* Shorten the time you spend with them. And, even question (if it's not a parent) why you allow this person in your life. What is the role of this person in your life? Is it just a matter of letting go of an old friendship that is based on history rather than enjoyment? If it feels hard to let go of, what do you need to learn from this person?
If it's a boss, get support from others in your life, and recognize this person's inappropriate behavior.
* For those with spouses like this, set limits with them. You might want to get help (couples counseling) to confront their behavior. This is especially true if you see your spouse emotionally or physically abusing you or your children. Even emotional abuse is dangerous because the effects last.
* Make sure that you have contact (or bring along) someone you love who loves you while with this person/people. If someone you love can't be there, visualize them smiling at you, and remind yourself that others don't feel about you as this person does.
* Get Mindful: "ground" yourself during the interaction, putting your feet on the ground, wiggling your toes, breathing deeper, and label your feelings (uncomfortable, sad, angry, etc).
* Talk to others! One of the best ways to unhinge a toxic connection is to get support from others who can help you to make sense of the connection.
********************
Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in helping people from dysfunctional families-of-origin find meaning, joy, and calm in their lives.
****
Keywords: dysfunctional family, ACOA, adult children of Narcissists, self-esteem, shame, vulnerability, healing, connection, relational-cultural theory.
If someone is toxic in your life, and by toxic, I mean, physically or emotionally abusive: s/he puts you down; doesn't consider your feelings as important; makes fun of you, gets enjoyment out of belittling you; always takes the one-up position, suggesting that s/he knows more than you do, even about subjects they know nothing about, then no amount of thinking, rationalizing, denying, or feeling good about yourself before you see this person is going to prevent you from feeling the dynamic that this toxic person creates. Toxic always wins! It feels bad.
Except, perhaps in short doses. But, it still will affect you. And, you will still need time to recover.
Except when you have others around who identify the toxicity for you. But even then, it's hard not to let it get under your skin.
Except when you don't let them in. But, that's hard. If you don't let them in, you shut down all your reactions and feelings, and then you don't have access to your joy and hope.
You are, in essence, limiting your wellness, your ability to be authentic, open, and honest, not to mention, relaxed and happy.
Toxic people suck the joy out of interactions.
How do you know if you're in a toxic relationship (family members, boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, employee/boss, friend)?
Here are some sample questions, and if you answer yes to them, then you might be in a toxic relationship:
* Do you leave the interaction with this person or people feeling worse about yourself, even though you feel good about yourself and your life in other situations?
* Do you find that after even a short interaction, you question yourself and wonder if you know enough?
* Do you feel lethargic and exhausted after each interaction?
* Is it hard to think or come up with responses to this person?
* Do you have all the responsibility (especially for this person's happiness) but none of the power?
* Do you feel it's up to you to make sure this person doesn't blow?
* Does your body feel tight (mentally check your jaw, stomach, and shoulders for signs of tension)?
* Do you feel silenced or without voice?
* Do you feel less trusting of the world after these interactions?
* Do you feel disoriented, numb, hopeless, or "flat" after a conversation with this person?
* Is your self-esteem affected?
* Do you feel like the crazy one? (Perhaps because you go in feeling one way and can't really identify why the conversation felt bad, only that it did?).
If the answer is Yes to any of these, you might be in contact with a toxic person.
Toxic people may or may not mean to be toxic, (depending on what's going on with them -- anything from Narcissism to Sociopathy to Alcoholism/drug abuse), but this doesn't mean that the damage they do is any less dangerous. Why they're doing it, though interesting, is less important than that they are causing you harm.
Toxic situations often occur where one or more people are colluding or going along with the toxic person and no one is acknowledging the truth. The truth is, a toxic person needs boundaries and structure. Toxic people need to know they are the ones causing the problem. But, if you are not in the power seat (e.g. an adult child or an employee of a boss like this), then there have to be ways to cope which allow you to take back some of your power (empowerment) until you can change the structure.
***
What can you do to change the dynamic?
* Shorten the time you spend with them. And, even question (if it's not a parent) why you allow this person in your life. What is the role of this person in your life? Is it just a matter of letting go of an old friendship that is based on history rather than enjoyment? If it feels hard to let go of, what do you need to learn from this person?
If it's a boss, get support from others in your life, and recognize this person's inappropriate behavior.
* For those with spouses like this, set limits with them. You might want to get help (couples counseling) to confront their behavior. This is especially true if you see your spouse emotionally or physically abusing you or your children. Even emotional abuse is dangerous because the effects last.
* Make sure that you have contact (or bring along) someone you love who loves you while with this person/people. If someone you love can't be there, visualize them smiling at you, and remind yourself that others don't feel about you as this person does.
* Get Mindful: "ground" yourself during the interaction, putting your feet on the ground, wiggling your toes, breathing deeper, and label your feelings (uncomfortable, sad, angry, etc).
* Talk to others! One of the best ways to unhinge a toxic connection is to get support from others who can help you to make sense of the connection.
********************
Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in helping people from dysfunctional families-of-origin find meaning, joy, and calm in their lives.
****
Keywords: dysfunctional family, ACOA, adult children of Narcissists, self-esteem, shame, vulnerability, healing, connection, relational-cultural theory.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Whose Shame is It?
If you were to adopt a little Labrador puppy and she started chewing on your computer cord, chances are you might feel frustrated but wouldn't blame yourself because there was no way you could know that she'd do that. And, then, you'd probably try to make the environment safe so that wouldn't happen again.
But, if something happens that you're directly connected with (say, a work or school project, a conversation with a boyfriend/girlfriend or friend) and you grew up in a household where you, like the little puppy, were always blamed even if you didn't know better, or, worse, even if you weren't the one causing the problems, then chances are great that you blame yourself today.
How do you respond to the phrase, "It's not your fault"?
Typically, for people who grew up taking the blame for alcoholic, abusive, or narcissistic backgrounds, this phrase brings up a lot of emotion (and fear) even though the context or reason for blame isn't there. This is because people who grew up in atmospheres where the parent/caregiver who should have been held accountable was not confronted or stopped, you, as a child might have felt that you had enough control and should have done something different.
The truth is: you couldn't have. And, yet, it can feel safer to believe that it's possible to have control than to believe that there's no control over anything.
So, kids who grow up in chaotic and/or dysfunctional households often hold themselves to a very strict diet of rules about how to behave, how much to ask from others or to hope from others, and how much of themselves -- their true feelings -- they should allow to show. In fact, talking about true needs and feelings may feel exposing if you're not used to expressing yourself authentically.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
In your relationships, do you blame yourself even if you know, in your heart of hearts, that the issue is not your fault?
Do you frequently agree with other people for fear of creating conflict?
Do you work harder at work or school to prevent being "found out"?
Is there a part of you that fears you really are to blame?
The way some people deal with this is to become focused on someone else's needs, overly-agreeable, not recognizing their own needs, and overly-accomodating in order to feel loved.The need to feel needed replaces love in its own right because you're not really seen for who you are. You're seen for what you do not who you are.
And, the doing is coming from the fear of being called out, to blame rather than a connection to love. The truth is, with one person taking the blame and the responsibility, and the other person slacking on this, there's not a lot of reciprocity. Which mirrors experiences from a childhood spent trying to please.
So, the wound is still there.
The truth is, most people prone to shame feel that they are not enough, not good enough, or feel like an imposter when they are successful. Working on this takes time, but here are a few things you can do as you begin to work on it:
* Recognize which situations induce a feeling of shame, or the fear of being "found out."
* Trace the shame back to when you first remember feeling "not enough."
* Watch your thoughts. Are you focused on preventing failure or reaching for success?Obviously, preventing failure comes from fear, while reaching for success means you're acknowledging your strengths.
* Focus on a time when you felt really good about yourself. What were you doing? Who were you with? Allow the feelings and experience to permeate all of your cells right now. Really allow yourself to feel comfortable and relaxed, knowing this experience of feeling good is also a part of who you are.
* Lastly, think of the vulnerable part of yourself as a puppy. The truth is, we all just want to be loved -- as we are -- faults and all. So, the next time you have a situation where you're heaping all the blame on yourself, why not stop yourself and ask, "How would I treat a puppy in this situation?" Probably with gentleness and love. You deserve that.
*********************************
Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist who delights in working with kind and expressive people who want to experience more connection, authenticity, joy, and empowerment in their relationships.
Keywords: coping with feelings, shame, vulnerability, resiliency, dysfunctional families, ACOA, love.
But, if something happens that you're directly connected with (say, a work or school project, a conversation with a boyfriend/girlfriend or friend) and you grew up in a household where you, like the little puppy, were always blamed even if you didn't know better, or, worse, even if you weren't the one causing the problems, then chances are great that you blame yourself today.
How do you respond to the phrase, "It's not your fault"?
Typically, for people who grew up taking the blame for alcoholic, abusive, or narcissistic backgrounds, this phrase brings up a lot of emotion (and fear) even though the context or reason for blame isn't there. This is because people who grew up in atmospheres where the parent/caregiver who should have been held accountable was not confronted or stopped, you, as a child might have felt that you had enough control and should have done something different.
The truth is: you couldn't have. And, yet, it can feel safer to believe that it's possible to have control than to believe that there's no control over anything.
So, kids who grow up in chaotic and/or dysfunctional households often hold themselves to a very strict diet of rules about how to behave, how much to ask from others or to hope from others, and how much of themselves -- their true feelings -- they should allow to show. In fact, talking about true needs and feelings may feel exposing if you're not used to expressing yourself authentically.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
In your relationships, do you blame yourself even if you know, in your heart of hearts, that the issue is not your fault?
Do you frequently agree with other people for fear of creating conflict?
Do you work harder at work or school to prevent being "found out"?
Is there a part of you that fears you really are to blame?
The way some people deal with this is to become focused on someone else's needs, overly-agreeable, not recognizing their own needs, and overly-accomodating in order to feel loved.The need to feel needed replaces love in its own right because you're not really seen for who you are. You're seen for what you do not who you are.
And, the doing is coming from the fear of being called out, to blame rather than a connection to love. The truth is, with one person taking the blame and the responsibility, and the other person slacking on this, there's not a lot of reciprocity. Which mirrors experiences from a childhood spent trying to please.
So, the wound is still there.
The truth is, most people prone to shame feel that they are not enough, not good enough, or feel like an imposter when they are successful. Working on this takes time, but here are a few things you can do as you begin to work on it:
* Recognize which situations induce a feeling of shame, or the fear of being "found out."
* Trace the shame back to when you first remember feeling "not enough."
* Watch your thoughts. Are you focused on preventing failure or reaching for success?Obviously, preventing failure comes from fear, while reaching for success means you're acknowledging your strengths.
* Focus on a time when you felt really good about yourself. What were you doing? Who were you with? Allow the feelings and experience to permeate all of your cells right now. Really allow yourself to feel comfortable and relaxed, knowing this experience of feeling good is also a part of who you are.
* Lastly, think of the vulnerable part of yourself as a puppy. The truth is, we all just want to be loved -- as we are -- faults and all. So, the next time you have a situation where you're heaping all the blame on yourself, why not stop yourself and ask, "How would I treat a puppy in this situation?" Probably with gentleness and love. You deserve that.
*********************************
Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist who delights in working with kind and expressive people who want to experience more connection, authenticity, joy, and empowerment in their relationships.
Keywords: coping with feelings, shame, vulnerability, resiliency, dysfunctional families, ACOA, love.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
When to Push It
Ahh, push it, push push push push it!
I’m talking about the gym, for those minds in the gutter
right now, (or, if you’re under 35, you might not know what song I mean). :)
So, I was at the gym, running, trying to push beyond the wave of
nausea that had sprung up – a wave of a returning cold that’s been going around
– and because I was at first frustrated by this, and the fact that I hadn't been the gym that week (yadda yadda), I decided that instead of stopping or slowing down like I usually do when
I get low warning signs (like nausea, chest tightness, or hives), I would speed
up.
How many of us do this? Speed up when we might need to slow
down because we think we can, because we're feeling something we don't want to feel?
At first, I was triumphant. The wave of I’m-going-to-be-sick
passed. "Yay! It worked!"I told myself. I got a flush of energy, and then in its place, suddenly, arose a feeling of
the world moving in and out.
Not good.
I stopped. And, because I stopped, I lost my momentum and
had to slowly build up to where I’d begun.
You might ask yourself how this has to do with you…
Well, I ask you:
* Is your tendency to stop or push past warning signs in your
life?
* What are your warning signs that you are going too fast?
**Think about internal warning signs like fatigue, or external ones, like your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner complaining that you never seem available or really present when you are in the room!
* Do you tend to add on additional activities when you
actually need to slow down, in an attempt to distract yourself from unwanted
feelings?
There may be times in your life, when you have to push past negative feelings or make a deadline, but I ask you to think through if that deadline should be all the time.
How would your life be if you slowed down?
There may be times in your life, when you have to push past negative feelings or make a deadline, but I ask you to think through if that deadline should be all the time.
How would your life be if you slowed down?
Tip:
If your tendency is to slow down when you feel the slightest
uneasiness, experiment with adding one (ONE) thing to your day and track your
feelings.
If your tendency is to add more activities, especially to
distract yourself from your feelings, subtract one thing to your day and track
your feelings.
Are you better at what you do? More present? Enjoying more
of life?
That’s the goal! :)
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Crawling Into a Hole vs Turning Inward
*Marie (not her real name) came to see me because of job stress as an executive, the ending of her relationship of 9 years, and the wish, at 35, to find "something of meaning" in her life.
Each day, she plodded through meetings and details while going home to the end of her relationship to a man she loved but could no longer live with. Jerry wasn't abusive, (that would have made it easier); he'd just stopped growing. She wanted more. Though they'd sought out couples counseling, it became clear that the next step was not marriage (perhaps that's why it had taken so long to even think about that), but something else. She thought it might be the end.
As we began to talk, she realized that she'd continued trying to expand her life as though none of this inner life was happening, trying to connect with people she and they knew together as a couple, but this didn't feel authentic. Not fully. And, this was partly because she'd been living half her life in her head. Staying with Jerry, she realized, was not true to who she was, nor who she could be, but the thought of leaving him produced similar feelings of despair and anxiety. Who was she? What was her life without him? She'd always written poetry and had been an English major in college, but she'd left that to create a life with Jerry, and a livelihood of business, which felt stabler to her at the time. But, what had she given up? And, if she tried, could she bring this energy back into the relationship? Would there be room for her?
In Humanistic-Existential therapy, one focus is on what creates meaning for your life. Who are you? What gives your life meaning? What do you want for yourself, beyond things? Where is the balance between expansion and constriction of energy? Greater involvement in life is of the essence.
Part of the therapy's focus is for therapist and client to both be present to what is going in the the client's life as well as what's happening in the room. As noted Existential-Humanistic theorist and author, James Bugental writes, "presence is the quality of being in a situation or relationship in which one intends at a deep level to participate as fully as [one] is able."
As a therapist, I ask myself, "How much should I talk vs share my thoughts? Will talking increase expansion and is this helpful to the person who's sitting across from me? Is it time to share or is it time for the person, if I'm quiet, to find some silence, space, or treasure inside herself?"
Many clients feel the need to constrict themselves and their emotions before feeling expansive. As we enter Autumn, the amber season, the time of turning from warmth to coolness, sunlight to shade and dark nights, this is a time of turning inward, feeling the areas of our lives that are cold and need to be warmed. Within this turning within, there is an awareness of choice and of freedom. What do you choose for your life?
Marie realized that she'd given up her quiet in favor of talking, but the talking with Jerry had no content, no place to go -- further. She began to listen to herself, to write more, to take long walks to gather her thoughts, mulling them over throughout the week, writing about them and bringing them to therapy, like treasures. She described therapy as a sort of "crawl space, maybe a hole... but it feels right" Some place where she could stay hidden until she was ready to come out. She realized that she needed to go slow, even put her head down, metaphorically, to allow for enough energy for all the ways she hoped to change, and was changing. An incubation period. Therapy, in this way, became a hidey-hole. A way of turning inward so she could hear her thoughts more clearly.
Sometimes, nesting or nestling in, is necessary to hear your inner thoughts and to make changes. Constriction may be needed before expansion of your vital energy can be savored and shared with others. I think of this almost like the stuffed animals that my dogs bury in the backyard to save for later, tasting better than before now that the soft fluff flavor is deepened by the toasty flavor of backyard dirt. ;)
As Marie changed, so did her need to stay hidden. She described feeling, "more myself." She experienced increased energy in general. Not the frantic energy of before, but something more fluid and vital to who she was. She began to write more, and talk from the center of herself, with presence. I could really feel her with me when we talked. Her relationship with Jerry shifted as did her relationship with friends and family. She described feeling more alive and awake.
While this was and continues to be a process for Marie, there is a centering, a place that you can come to, in the middle of yourself, if you listen to what needs to be heard. It's from this place of stillness that beautiful ways of being begin to bloom.
**** Think now:
What in your life needs shelter?
This could be an aspect of your life or a skill you're trying to develop.
Could going slower with intention and awareness create greater room for its arrival? Sometimes softening about the pressure, the need for a certain timeline helps.
As you bring to mind/body/heart an area of your life you're trying to make peace with, imagine you have a secret enclave to go to. Make it lovely and safe: a comfortable sofa, your feet up, a warm drink easily within your reach. And, now in your mind's eye and in your heart, give yourself all the time you need, all the gentleness you might desire, to turn inward.
*****************
* Permission to write about this therapy anecdote was received by the author.
Heather Schwartz, Psy.D. is a relational (aka Humanistic), and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in seeing adult clients seeking full self wellness.
Each day, she plodded through meetings and details while going home to the end of her relationship to a man she loved but could no longer live with. Jerry wasn't abusive, (that would have made it easier); he'd just stopped growing. She wanted more. Though they'd sought out couples counseling, it became clear that the next step was not marriage (perhaps that's why it had taken so long to even think about that), but something else. She thought it might be the end.
As we began to talk, she realized that she'd continued trying to expand her life as though none of this inner life was happening, trying to connect with people she and they knew together as a couple, but this didn't feel authentic. Not fully. And, this was partly because she'd been living half her life in her head. Staying with Jerry, she realized, was not true to who she was, nor who she could be, but the thought of leaving him produced similar feelings of despair and anxiety. Who was she? What was her life without him? She'd always written poetry and had been an English major in college, but she'd left that to create a life with Jerry, and a livelihood of business, which felt stabler to her at the time. But, what had she given up? And, if she tried, could she bring this energy back into the relationship? Would there be room for her?
In Humanistic-Existential therapy, one focus is on what creates meaning for your life. Who are you? What gives your life meaning? What do you want for yourself, beyond things? Where is the balance between expansion and constriction of energy? Greater involvement in life is of the essence.
Part of the therapy's focus is for therapist and client to both be present to what is going in the the client's life as well as what's happening in the room. As noted Existential-Humanistic theorist and author, James Bugental writes, "presence is the quality of being in a situation or relationship in which one intends at a deep level to participate as fully as [one] is able."
As a therapist, I ask myself, "How much should I talk vs share my thoughts? Will talking increase expansion and is this helpful to the person who's sitting across from me? Is it time to share or is it time for the person, if I'm quiet, to find some silence, space, or treasure inside herself?"
Many clients feel the need to constrict themselves and their emotions before feeling expansive. As we enter Autumn, the amber season, the time of turning from warmth to coolness, sunlight to shade and dark nights, this is a time of turning inward, feeling the areas of our lives that are cold and need to be warmed. Within this turning within, there is an awareness of choice and of freedom. What do you choose for your life?
Marie realized that she'd given up her quiet in favor of talking, but the talking with Jerry had no content, no place to go -- further. She began to listen to herself, to write more, to take long walks to gather her thoughts, mulling them over throughout the week, writing about them and bringing them to therapy, like treasures. She described therapy as a sort of "crawl space, maybe a hole... but it feels right" Some place where she could stay hidden until she was ready to come out. She realized that she needed to go slow, even put her head down, metaphorically, to allow for enough energy for all the ways she hoped to change, and was changing. An incubation period. Therapy, in this way, became a hidey-hole. A way of turning inward so she could hear her thoughts more clearly.
Sometimes, nesting or nestling in, is necessary to hear your inner thoughts and to make changes. Constriction may be needed before expansion of your vital energy can be savored and shared with others. I think of this almost like the stuffed animals that my dogs bury in the backyard to save for later, tasting better than before now that the soft fluff flavor is deepened by the toasty flavor of backyard dirt. ;)
As Marie changed, so did her need to stay hidden. She described feeling, "more myself." She experienced increased energy in general. Not the frantic energy of before, but something more fluid and vital to who she was. She began to write more, and talk from the center of herself, with presence. I could really feel her with me when we talked. Her relationship with Jerry shifted as did her relationship with friends and family. She described feeling more alive and awake.
While this was and continues to be a process for Marie, there is a centering, a place that you can come to, in the middle of yourself, if you listen to what needs to be heard. It's from this place of stillness that beautiful ways of being begin to bloom.
**** Think now:
What in your life needs shelter?
This could be an aspect of your life or a skill you're trying to develop.
Could going slower with intention and awareness create greater room for its arrival? Sometimes softening about the pressure, the need for a certain timeline helps.
As you bring to mind/body/heart an area of your life you're trying to make peace with, imagine you have a secret enclave to go to. Make it lovely and safe: a comfortable sofa, your feet up, a warm drink easily within your reach. And, now in your mind's eye and in your heart, give yourself all the time you need, all the gentleness you might desire, to turn inward.
*****************
* Permission to write about this therapy anecdote was received by the author.
Heather Schwartz, Psy.D. is a relational (aka Humanistic), and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in seeing adult clients seeking full self wellness.
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