Ballerina Perfect: Bending Over Backwards to Please Others?

Did you ever see those music boxes with ballerinas? When I was a little girl, I was fascinated by the beautiful twirling ballerina inside my music box. I could listen and watch for hours. But, as the box closed, I always noticed that the ballerina turned in on herself. This was always disturbing, and I would try to find ways to prevent her from bending -- either by closing the box slower, or trying to see if I could shelter her. It never worked.

I asked my mother and she said that this is just the way it was. In order to fit in, the ballerina had to fall; she had to crumple to fit inside the box.

How many of us women feel confined and crumpled by the boxes of our lives? 

How many of us think that to be beautiful, we have to be perfect, to bend ourselves rather than changing the confines of our experience? 

If you have a position where you feel unable to speak up, or a relationship where you feel squelched, or maybe a pattern of holding yourself back, making nice, or saying yes when you mean no - even with friends - you know what I mean. You're bending yourself uncomfortably. It's painful, and yet, it's hard to know how to change. It's hard to know how to know how to change old patterns and ask the situation other people to bend. For some, bending is preferable to conflict or the fear of others being mad. 

Does this resonate with you?

How do you bend over backwards to please others? 

Where do you bend to the breaking point? 

Do you wish this were different?

Are you disappearing in order to fit into this role or way of being? 

What do you need more: to appear perfect or to be known? 

Authenticity is about being your perfectly imperfect self in the moment. Easier said than done, isn't it?! But, it's a practice.

What is one small way you can allow yourself to be known rather than try to be what others want you to be? 

Are you willing to try it with someone you know and trust -- even for 5 minutes today?  

You can always let your friend or partner know that you're trying it, get support, and see what happens. 

Practice makes perfect, or, in this case, imperfectly perfect. ;) 

#perfectionism #shame #relationships #career #hope #women #wellness #boundaries #communication #roles #fear 

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a Life Coach and Licensed Psychologist in Portland, Oregon who specializes with creative, caring women who have lost themselves and are wanting to reconnect with their truth, passion, and purpose.

Are you Zoning Out? 5 Ways Back In

Are you there?

I bet you didn't even know you left yourself! 

So many people, especially women who play multiple roles, aren't even aware of being disconnected from themselves!

But, you know it the instant you hit your arm against the wall and it hurts!

Or, you're wondering what someone else is thinking and you notice you haven't watched the last 5 minutes of your show.

Or, you feel slightly out of it when you're reading a book, having to read the same line over and over...

These are signs that you've momentarily left yourself. Gotten outside yourself. Focused elsewhere. That's where our senses come in, to lead us back inside ourselves!

5 Ways Back Inside: 

1. Kinesthetically: Feel your feet on the floor. Wiggle your toes. Arch your feet and feel the stretch of your calves. Take a deep breath, and say, "Here." Check in. How "here" are you? Repeat, if necessary!

2. Visually: Choose a color that you love and see how many times it appears in the room you're in.

3. Olfactory: Choose a scent you love, such as lemon or jasmine and keep it close by. When you want to feel more enlivened, take a deep breath of it, or mix it with water and put it in a spritz bottle to spray in your room. Japanese companies use the scent of lemons piped into their offices to keep their employees more alert. Lemon scent increases alertness and ease. Jasmine creates a sensual, alive, vibrant feeling. No wonder people love it in their tea!

4. Taste: Keep wake-up mints in your pocket. When you find yourself zoning out, choose one and intentionally bring fresh thoughts about your life to mind!

5. Gratitude: I love this one the most. I like to call out randomly to my partner or friends, "Okay! Think of 5 things you're grateful for!" Then, make sure they're 5 different things each time, and when you say them out loud (or share them with another person), make sure you feel them in your heart. Take a deep breath and take in the joy you feel in each one. 

Gratitude is a great gateway to love!

Whichever method you choose, intend to bring yourself back online, so that you can enjoy, with gusto, your life!

#gratitude #presence #mindfulness #senses #disconnected #alive #hopeful #mindfulness #happiness #connection #coaching #psychology

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a Licensed Psychologist and Life Coach in Portland, Oregon who coaches soulful women to discover and honor the gifts of who they are in the world!

Creating Small-Big Changes!

I have been rewriting my Bio page for my new coaching practice over and over, saying a lot, then stopping. Saying more, then stopping. Pausing and freaking out.

Transitioning from being a therapist -- who says little to nothing about herself -- to a coach -- who says whatever feels right -- is a big adjustment, a big freedom, and it's part of why I'm making the transition: to be more who I am and bring stories about experiences along with expertise. (Two other parts are because I see how positive action creates positive change, and I'm interested in being part of a field that regards people as basically healthy!).

Even sharing this with you makes me feel a little anxious, but that's good. That's what I'm working on!

Luckily for me, my website doesn't always save what I write. (And, I found this out the hard way when it didn't save something I really wanted it to save!). 

What I found out from Wix acting stupid, is that I actually freak out when I put too much out there, change too much, too fast, even if I feel nervy in the beginning. I feel sweaty, and can't focus on anything else. Not even sleep. I have to take what I've written down. 

Have you ever had that feeling? Have you ever tried to erase -- in words or actions -- something you're almost, almost, almost ready to do, but have tried to do too fast?

Even if I really want it. Somehow, the act of saying something -- though freeing -- goes through another filter inside me later when I imagine other people reading it. 

It's like Brene Brown's idea of a "vulnerability hangover." You say too much, do more than you're really really used to and, you feel dizzy and out of control. Yup.

So, what I've been doing is writing and saving it until I'm ready. Then, I put pieces of the realness out there. It works. Gets me ready. Of course, no one else -- until you, now -- knows I'm doing this. But, I do, and it works to get my body used to these changes that my heart has decided are right for me. SO right!

What have you been stopping and starting to do as you give yourself permission to become more yourself?

Our tendency is to berate ourselves for what we haven't done.
Can you congratulate yourself for what's working?

What would you do if you had no fear? 
Can you do a little and find a way to create small-big changes?

I want to know! 
Truly. 
- Heather

#change #courage #hope #longing #authenticity #vulnerability #brenebrown

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a licensed psychologist and life coach who loves helping sensitive, empathic women wake up and show up: stop hiding, express their truth, and be fully themselves in the world! 

Urgently Happy

"So, I'm having this issue; I know he's going to call and I know he's not going to be happy that I want to break-up, but, I keep trying." Rosalie told me, looking down. "I keep trying to be urgently happy, but it's not working."

Urgently happy? That's what occurs when we try to force our focus on positive things, while we're actually feeling scared of our other feelings -- like fear, dread, disgust, disappointment, unhappiness, or grief.

Sadly, it doesn't work. 

Do you ever find yourself doing this? Racing around Facebook trying to find something uplifting? Texting a friend to find out what s/he is up to, but really trying to take your mind off your fears? Reading, watching tv, but feeling anything but calm?

Ironically, all the forced effort only amplifies what you're trying to avoid. I know. I've been there!

So, if that doesn't work, what does? 

1. Acknowledge that you're forcing the issue. The issue, in this case, is your fear. Not your love. 

Some say fear and love are opposites. I kind of agree. What do you think? I also think that love and detachment are opposites. I guess you can have more than one opposite, but I'm getting away from the point!

2. Find the distinction between finding humor in a situation versus forcing happiness. You'll know it by the flow. Yes, the flow. What I mean by flow is that humor comes in waves, or bursts. Forcing happiness is a constant stream of intensity. If you're feeling intense, that's probably not the true feeling of happiness or jest -- since both tend to be light. 

3. See if you can acknowledge what you are feeling. This includes the feeling of not wanting to feel whatever you are feeling! Tara Brach talks about this in a lovely way in her book, Radical Acceptance. She says, "Radical acceptance includes accepting both the feelings of anxiety and the aversion to it. In fact, acceptance is not real and not healing unless it honestly includes all aspects of your experience." So, if you are feeling dread, for example, notice that you are feeling it, notice that you don't like it, and allow it as much as you can.

4. Yes, allow it as much as you can! I like to think of emotions as a river. You don't have to go swimming in the river to acknowledge that there is a river in front of you! You can just dip a toe in. Or, if you're already in the river. Notice it. Allow this. Are you dog paddling? Can you relax a bit, perhaps coast on your back? You can say to yourself, "There's that dread again. I hate feeling dread. I want to feel happy. I don't feel happy. I feel all of this." That's all you have to do.

5. Well, you can also notice the sensations of whatever you're feeling. How does it affect your core? Breathe into that area. Lots of people hold their breath when they're feeling something they don't want to feel. Are you? Just notice. Take a breath. It doesn't have to be the hugest breath ever. Just breathe! 

6. Now, notice. Are you more open? Are you feeling more of a flow in your body? 

7. With greater flow, you will make room for the feelings you really want to feel! And, they won't be urgent at all. They will come naturally, easily, surprisingly - maybe even happy!

#mindfulness #emotions #sadness #anxiety #fear #happiness #hope #acceptance #calm #TaraBrach 

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a coach and psychologist in Portland, OR who delights in working with warm-hearted visionaries: kind and imaginative people who can visualize a positive future for all and are dedicated to being themselves and making a difference in the world. 

That Apocalyptic Feeling: 6 Steps to Moving Beyond Fear

"I just can't shake that feeling that something bad is going to happen at work. I've been on the year long test drive they put all the new people on, and every time I go to work, I ask myself, "Am I going to pass or fail?" Jeannie said to me in earnest, her face pinched. As we talked, I encouraged her to try mindfulness in action (below).

One of the things I work on with people is identifying how to respond to fears which have become gargantuan in size. What I call, "That Apocalyptic Feeling." ;)  And, if you have it, chances are good that it's probably not an apocalypse!

When you're really right in the middle of an intense traffic situation, or you've just fallen down stairs, or you hear terrible news, you might be stunned, but, it's unlikely that you're thinking, "THIS is the Apocalypse!!!" Well, not until later... After you have time for your brain to get out of fight-flight or freeze mode.

Here are 6 Steps to move you back into a highly functional state! ;)

1. Identify that you're in that super scared state. Yes. Say it out loud (or quietly to yourself.). Say it with me now, "I am super scared. This is scary. I don't like feeling scared." Being honest helps to quiet the intensity. It's when we deny it that things become harder, and we become tenser. Or, we stuff the feeling and deal later. Not good!

2.  Take note of your physical sensations. The first place our minds go when we're scared is identifying whether our bodies have been hurt. The important thing to do is to notice what you are experiencing. So, this is about reassuring ourselves. Yup, still intact!

3. Then label them. e.g. "My breathing is short."
Psychiatrist and founder of Interpersonal Neurobiology, a wonderful practice combining Mindfulness, positive connections, and brain science, says, "You name it, you tame it." It's true. Combining words with physical and emotional experiences creates closure for your mind.

4. Notice your emotions. Label those. "I feel anxious."

5. Label the external world: e.g. "I see a fern." or,  "The walls are blue." Focusing on the external world helps to ground you, and move you away from the focus on your body or feelings. This orients you not just in your situation but in the world. Focus on what you're seeing, or hearing, or smelling, etc.  If your eyes rest somewhere, let them rest, and let your mind wander. This again helps to calm your mind and body.

6. Provide context. We tend to lose context when we feel freaked out. So, try saying to yourself, "Even though x happened, it's not happening now and I am safe." Then, take a breath. Or, "I will get through this. It's not the end of the world. I will make it through okay. I always do. I always land on my feet," etc. You get the idea! The connection between your mind and body will be strengthened and your resiliency will, too! :)  "You've lost that apocalyptic feeling... Now, it's gone, gone, gone!" ;) 

Give it a try and let me know how it works out!!!

#anxiety #fears #hope #mindfulness #CBT # coaching #Portland #PDX #IPNB #grounding
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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist and life coach in Portland, OR who delights in working with warm-hearted visionaries seeking to trust their inner knowing, move beyond fears, and make a difference in the world by being their authentic selves.

Let Yourself LOVE BIG!

Let Yourself LOVE BIG!
“I really, really love kids! I’m so looking forward to grad school!”Chris’s eyes were bright and shining! It was a joy to see her so happy! 

Suddenly, her posture changed and began to slump. “But, what if I can't do it? What if I get through grad school, and find I can’t stand the hours of teaching? Or, the grading? Or, worse, that I find I don’t enjoy teaching?” Chris sighed and looked at the floor.

I was amazed by how quickly her love turned to fear. But, then, we all know how it is to really, really want something so much, it hurts!

We’re saying, “Yes!” with our whole being, and then suddenly, as if out of nowhere, panic sets in… It’s this transition from who we are to who we want to be that gets so scary! And, this can be anything from going back to school, starting a new job or relationship, being more authentic, or trusting yourself more.

From the moment we allow ourselves to envision who we long to be and to do in the world, the twin emotions of love (passion, reverence, excitement, desire), and fear (terror, anxiety, agitation), arise.

Fear is love's constant companion. It's the part of the brain that tries to protect us, but it can backfire if it gets too big, and stifle very beautiful things from taking root all the way to bloom.

If we ignore our fears, they grow bigger: truly the monsters of our shadow self in the closet!

But, if we focus only on our fears, we lose our confidence, we hesitate and let others take the lead. Anger or sadness can arise as we lose chances to be and share our full beautiful selves in the world!

Typically, our fears are exaggerations of truths. They come from experiences we've had that haven't been fully understood, learned from, or released. They may even come from other people's nightmare stories, not our own. There's always a grain of truth to feeling scared. But, the amount they circulate inside of us may be disrupting our ability to make decisions.

We get a choice, every time we have a fear, how much we should listen to the voice of fear, and how much action to take based on our knowing.

But, in order to have that choice, we have to feel the fear.  That’s the bind. Only then, can we find the growth opportunity within it and decide how valid the fear is or how much power it should have.

I like to think of the love, delight, and wonder part of us as an inner 5-year old who is so curious about the world, and wants to investigate and try everything!

The fears feel like the voice of a protective, older kid part of ourselves: the 12-year old big brother or big sister who is worried about things going right or knowing enough, but still doesn't know enough about the world to really make those decisions for us! 

So, if you wouldn't let a 12-year old make a decision for you, you don't want to act from this place. But, in order to act from the part of you who is worldly, you first have to face your fears, listen with kindness, and move forward.

If you have a habit of pushing fear away, ignoring it, or hoping positive thoughts will make the big fears go away, then you may not be fully meeting yourself on the road!

It would be like running with one eye squeezed shut. How much depth do you think you're really seeing? Not much! And, if you fall, you might think, "See? I shouldn't have been running!" When the larger truth is that if you don't step out, big and open, fully seeing and owning who you are, then you're not fully prepared. 

If you're scared but not acknowledging it to yourself, you're not fully focused on what needs to happen. And, we can't begin to assess the situation when we're only half-present!

Our power is to hear the fear, offer compassion to ourselves, and then decide if the fear is the only truth. I'll tell you now, it's probably not! As we listen, we can allow other truths to surface -- stories which also define how we want to be in the world.  And, we can learn from the fear’s message.

If you’re longing to come out of hiding and step into your life in a larger way, here are some suggestions:

1.     Let yourself dream!

2.    Then, ask, “What do I really want? What supports my greatest aliveness?”

3.    Write your hopes down! Let yourself feel heard. Feeling heard is different from listening to the advice of the fearful part of yourself!

4.     Let all aspects of who you are speak and feel heard. This includes your inner 5-year old who is courageous and delighted by the world, your inner 12-year old who is scared about the transition from the safety of where you’ve been to where you’re going!

5.    Be kind to your inner 12-year old fears. They are there for a reason. Transitions (including from tween to teen), from anything are hard, especially those from inner dreams to expression in the world!

Remind yourself that you don’t have to know all the steps to acknowledge who and what you’re wanting for your life!

6.    Remember a time when you felt scared about something you wanted, and were able to move beyond the fear and do it anyway. You might want to replay this or other experiences like this in your mind (or write about them), to remind yourself of the stories in which you've been scared and been able to move beyond the fear.

7.    Lastly, the goal is not to be fearless. That probably won’t happen, so don’t wait for that! Instead, the goal is to listen with kindness to all aspects of yourself, reassure the part of yourself who is scared, bring curiosity and wonder to the process, and move from the part of you who wants to experiment with going for something you really, really want!

By acting on what you truly want, you're strengthening the part of yourself who is trusting enough of the world to try!

Good luck, have fun, and enjoy yourself!

You can do this! :)

#love #compassion #mindfulness #self-esteem #trust #courage #goals #fear #authenticity

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with kind and expressive people who want to be truly themselves with others.

  

Your Deepest Truth

What is your deepest truth? I don’t mean your most dramatic truth, but, your deepest truth when you look at your life?

Often, we tell ourselves stories to explain who we are and what we believe about ourselves and the world. But, we are far more complex than our stories!
Underneath the stories we tell ourselves, is often a deeper truth, a truth that reveals our values, our heartfelt longings, and our profound questions about who we are.

“Aha! I get it! I understand who I am!” we might exclaim to ourselves. And yet, there’s often another layer of truth, a deeper layer about how we see ourselves in relation to others, in the context of our lives.

Yet, if you find yourself telling the same story the same way, you might never realize the gold of what’s underneath. I say, gold, because the truths we mine from our stories, reveal incredible insights about our longings, gifts, and purpose in life. 

Let me offer you an example: A woman who believes that she’s always left holding all the responsibility in her relationships, and that people only care her for what she does for others, may find people who, in their behaviors, support her hypothesis, and take her for granted. And, she may unintentionally create this dynamic in her relationships, doing things for others that they used to do for themselves, so that partners see her as an invaluable, inextricable part of their lives. The story she holds contains her identity like a frame around a painting. But, is it the only frame?

Underneath her sadness and frustration at being over-looked and overly responsible, resides a deep feeling of unworthiness and underneath that, a healthy deep longing to be cherished in the way she takes care of others.

Her deep truth, as she reveals it, is a wish to connect, to be special, and to be remembered in the way she holds others so easily in mind and heart. Perhaps she didn’t receive this growing up, and she longs for it. That makes sense. Beyond this, might be an even broader wish to feel at one with others, easily and effortlessly, to belong, and, through her generous spirit, to leave a positive imprint on the world.

Note that all of these experiences, like a multifaceted diamond, are part of this woman's truth. Each offers another side, revealing the light of what she cherishes most and the layers of who she is at her core.

And, as she looks at her life, with openness, she might find examples where people want to support, cherish, and love her, if she'll let them. This will take a change in her perspective, and a willingness to receive. But, to do this, her story about herself must expand to include other experiences in her life. She must be willing to explore all of who she is.

As you read this, take a moment and reflect:

How would you describe yourself and your relationships to others?

Think of a negative story that you frequently re-tell yourself and others to epitomize who you are in the world. It’s okay. We all have them. The trick, the tool is this moment of awareness at re-telling a story which may not fit ALL of who you are or long to be. 

Soften, and allow a feeling of compassion to come into your heart for yourself. There is a reason you tell this story in this way. There is no room for judgment as it won’t increase meaning. It won't offer you the understanding and peace of mind you might seek.

Can you think of a story, an exception to the rule, which holds a different message than this one? The purpose of this is not to invalidate your experience of the first story, but to widen the range so that you might experience a more expansive version of yourself.

What do you notice?

Who might you be if you allowed more versions of your life into your version of yourself?

As you keep track of new positive experiences, you will begin to unfold amazing new layers of feeling and being. 

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a licensed psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with kind and expressive people seeking greater wellbeing, meaning, and connection. 

Keywords: #trust #connection #insight #awareness #selfawareness #love #relationships #spirituality #mindfulness #empowerment