Urgently Happy

"So, I'm having this issue; I know he's going to call and I know he's not going to be happy that I want to break-up, but, I keep trying." Rosalie told me, looking down. "I keep trying to be urgently happy, but it's not working."

Urgently happy? That's what occurs when we try to force our focus on positive things, while we're actually feeling scared of our other feelings -- like fear, dread, disgust, disappointment, unhappiness, or grief.

Sadly, it doesn't work. 

Do you ever find yourself doing this? Racing around Facebook trying to find something uplifting? Texting a friend to find out what s/he is up to, but really trying to take your mind off your fears? Reading, watching tv, but feeling anything but calm?

Ironically, all the forced effort only amplifies what you're trying to avoid. I know. I've been there!

So, if that doesn't work, what does? 

1. Acknowledge that you're forcing the issue. The issue, in this case, is your fear. Not your love. 

Some say fear and love are opposites. I kind of agree. What do you think? I also think that love and detachment are opposites. I guess you can have more than one opposite, but I'm getting away from the point!

2. Find the distinction between finding humor in a situation versus forcing happiness. You'll know it by the flow. Yes, the flow. What I mean by flow is that humor comes in waves, or bursts. Forcing happiness is a constant stream of intensity. If you're feeling intense, that's probably not the true feeling of happiness or jest -- since both tend to be light. 

3. See if you can acknowledge what you are feeling. This includes the feeling of not wanting to feel whatever you are feeling! Tara Brach talks about this in a lovely way in her book, Radical Acceptance. She says, "Radical acceptance includes accepting both the feelings of anxiety and the aversion to it. In fact, acceptance is not real and not healing unless it honestly includes all aspects of your experience." So, if you are feeling dread, for example, notice that you are feeling it, notice that you don't like it, and allow it as much as you can.

4. Yes, allow it as much as you can! I like to think of emotions as a river. You don't have to go swimming in the river to acknowledge that there is a river in front of you! You can just dip a toe in. Or, if you're already in the river. Notice it. Allow this. Are you dog paddling? Can you relax a bit, perhaps coast on your back? You can say to yourself, "There's that dread again. I hate feeling dread. I want to feel happy. I don't feel happy. I feel all of this." That's all you have to do.

5. Well, you can also notice the sensations of whatever you're feeling. How does it affect your core? Breathe into that area. Lots of people hold their breath when they're feeling something they don't want to feel. Are you? Just notice. Take a breath. It doesn't have to be the hugest breath ever. Just breathe! 

6. Now, notice. Are you more open? Are you feeling more of a flow in your body? 

7. With greater flow, you will make room for the feelings you really want to feel! And, they won't be urgent at all. They will come naturally, easily, surprisingly - maybe even happy!

#mindfulness #emotions #sadness #anxiety #fear #happiness #hope #acceptance #calm #TaraBrach 

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a coach and psychologist in Portland, OR who delights in working with warm-hearted visionaries: kind and imaginative people who can visualize a positive future for all and are dedicated to being themselves and making a difference in the world.