Beyond Betrayal

à “How do I fully receive his hug and know that his arms have been around someone else’s body? How do I make sense of this?”

à “She allowed someone else to break into our lives, and change who we are forever. How do I forgive her?”

à “He lied to me when he could have told the truth. I thought we were so close. I thought he trusted me. How can I forgive him?”

à “She believed him not me, even though she knows I would never lie to her. It happens every time! How can I get past this and move on?”

Such good questions. Betrayal can take all forms: from childhood, with current family dynamics, with friends, or in romantic relationships, and, it is always emotional because you don’t feel betrayed unless you have felt hope and/or closeness.

When you feel betrayed, you might feel confused. You might try to figure it out in your mind, but that doesn’t work, and only makes your emotions bigger.

You might feel like someone who’s been robbed of stuff: not only of what you thought you had with this person, but also of what you were able to do before it happened.

Betrayal, by its nature, means that you were robbed of your ability to change what happened and make it better.

You might want to undo it, pretend it never happened, or that it didn’t hurt you as much as it did. No one wants to feel vulnerable. And, there is nothing that makes you feel vulnerable like betrayal.

And, yet, a huge part of moving through betrayal is re-learning how to relate to the part of you that felt betrayed.

And, to do that, you have to face the feelings of anger, confusion, and hurt you feel.

Whenever I work with people who have felt betrayed by people they care about, there’s a lot of shock: “How could this happen? Why did this happen?”

Then, the anger storms in. “Why?! Why did this happen to me? I’ve been a good _______.”

Protesting what happened is a normal stage. You’re trying to make sense of this all, create meaning of what happened. Because the thinking is, “If I figure it out this time, maybe it won’t happen again.”  

Because people feel so fragile (and who wants to feel that way?!), when they’re betrayed, there’s a lot of trying to figure stuff out, and planning ahead.

And, there’s bargaining, “If I figure this out, and prevent it, maybe it never happened.”

Shock, anger, bargaining – these are all stages in grief, according to the famous psychologist, Kubler-Ross. And, it’s true.

Betrayal induces a form of grieving: deep sadness. Grieving not only for what happened, but for what didn’t happen: the Big L: Loyalty, a great component of Love.

There can be this great sense of shame that takes over: “If only I were good enough, this wouldn’t have happened. If only I had done the right things, he would have treated me better. If only I’d been a better kid…” Shame is a cousin to perfectionism. While you know this, I’ll just say it, there is no perfect. No one needs you to be perfect. It’s not your fault. 

Even if you could have done things better in some way, you didn’t deserve to be betrayed. You deserve to have people treat you with respect, be honest with you, and be loyal to you. Everyone deserves this!

Shame can lead to vulnerability, which can lead to fear. There can be a temptation when you’ve been hurt to wall up. That’s okay. Just don’t do it forever. Most people are not out to betray you, even if they hurt your feelings (usually on accident).

So, how do you move through this? That’s a big question for a multi-layered, big experience. But, I want to offer a few suggestions:

    1. Label it. Admit to yourself that you have been betrayed. Be honest with yourself! You deserve that. Denial is not just a river…

    2. Acknowledge your feelings, and feel them. Write about them, talk about them, let yourself feel what you feel. There is nothing broken or wrong about seeing the situation and yourself as less than steel.   

3. Tell other people. Let others hear about it. Not only does it help to open up, but it reminds you that you can trust others. It also prevents shame from rearing its ugly head and telling you that somehow you created this situation. 

4. Offer support to the hurt part of yourself. What age do you feel when you think about this betrayal? Usually people see a younger kid. Imagine that you’re providing support to the kid inside you. Ask her or him what s/he needs. Offer a hug (and visualize hugging your younger self). If it helps, look at a picture of yourself from this age. J 

   5.   Remember times when you have felt hurt and gotten through it. This is about remembering your ability to pick yourself back up. This is not about saying that what happened was okay, or that you’re suppressing your mad-sad feelings. This is about resiliency and knowing you can make it through this hard time, even if you wish it hadn’t happened.

6. Seek out support/talk to your therapist. It can be hard to cope with sadness, hurt, shock, and anger AND live your regular life. And, it’s often helpful to have someone outside your life listen, provide feedback, and remind you of how far you've come.

#loyalty #betrayal #connection #relationships #healing #wellness #affairs #trust #childhood #love 

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with kind and expressive adults seeking greater understanding, meaning, and connection in their lives. 

The Sun Inside You: Moving Beyond the Void

"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.  And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back” ~ Albert Camus 

Sometimes, when you’re working hard on something in life, it feels like winter. Not the get cold then feel cozy and warm, hot chocolate treat kind of feeling. But, the "I don’t know if I’ve ever been warm,” kind of feeling. 

Sanaya Roman, in her book, Personal Power Through Awareness (1986) calls this “entering into the void." This is the place where dreams come from, where potential resides. But when you’re in it, it feels colorless, empty, flat, and complex at once, like when you have one of those 5-day colds. It feels like an eternity. 

I won’t give you a simplified explanation or trick, but I will say, it won’t last forever. 

Here are some simple steps to re-enter your life and yourself with greater kindness and depth.

The first step is to acknowledge that you are not the void. Let me repeat this: You are not the void. You are yourself, far more complex than any emptiness. 

The second step is to allow the emptiness. No push or resistance. This just is. Let yourself make room for all feeling, including no feeling.

Now, see if you can sense any other feelings underneath the loudest feelings. Sometimes, numbness is the loudest. But, it’s not necessarily the most true or even the most prevalent. Listen. Hear the other feelings. Is there a tiny ping of some hope? A sense of calm underneath the noise of sad?

Notice it. 

Now, bring some warmth to yourself. Actually picture yourself on a sunny day, perhaps the beach, feeling the sun on your arms, on your back, the warm wind on your face. 

Bring that sun inside you. 

Imagine that you’re glowing from the inside, a soft rosy sun. Let the sun expand from the inside of your chest and heart and surround you. Feel the light as love.

If you’d like, imagine a stream of golden light cascading over your head, filling you and sweeping over you. 

Breathe in the light. 

You don’t need to force anything. Whatever you feel, you feel. Let it be. But, know that just as the winter resides inside you, so too does the power to transform it! 

#down #sadness #depression #change #hope #connection #psychotherapy #mindfulness 

#visualization #power #spirituality #transitions #visualization #transformation #energy #psychology

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a licensed psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with kind and expressive people on the path to greater hope, joy, and connection. 

Mattering

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Even though she said the nicest things to me, I just can’t believe them,”  **Kara whispered. “I’m embarrassed. I should be able to receive compliments, right? I mean, she told me I was strong and that she loved my energy. But, what do I say back to that? …Thank you?”

Kara blinked as though in impossibly bright light, clearly trying to process what she had heard. Even as she repeated it to me, I had the sense that she hadn’t fully heard it. Not in a body sense. And, that’s part of how I listen as a therapist.

As I listened, my whole body tensed, especially my core, while my legs felt jumpy, like I wanted to run. I wondered if Kara felt the same way.  I often use my own body as a tuning fork, listening to what’s happening (between me and other people) through feeling and sensation. I had the sense that Kara was feeling lots of things, and that she was also kind of frozen in the moment.

I asked the classic therapist question, “What are you feeling right now?”

“I’m not sure. I feel embarrassed that I can’t receive compliments. Part of me wants to hide, but that’s silly isn’t it? She said some really nice things to me!”

I understand this wish to hide the embarrassment of not knowing how to respond but feeling like you should know. It's kind of like the strict inner parent part of the self who cares about holding it all together judging the hidden inner kid (Aww! J ).

When this happens, I always feel compassion, and I often suggest we attend to the nonverbals, the physical sensations and emotional feelings before the thoughts or beliefs. This is technically called, “bottom-up processing” style in psychology. Feelings begin in the body as sensations, and when you listen gently, the intensity falls away. You realize you can handle what’s happening, even if it’s complex.

“What are you sensing?” I asked.

“It’s hard. I mean,” and she waved her hand around her face. “I don’t have the words. “I want. I want to be able to hear what people say, when they say nice things. But, something happens. I can’t take – it in. My whole body, my mind goes blank. I keep running through what she said in my mind, but – nothing happens. It doesn’t go in.”

I could see that she was again getting lost in the feeling.

I suggested that she lower her eyes, and notice the wish to hide, and the wish to both run and know at once. She nodded. “It does feel like I want to run and hide.” I encouraged her to imagine that, but that didn’t feel fully true since she also wanted to stay -- to be there for the compliment.

But, in order to be there for the compliment, she first had to stay with her own experience and be there with herself – have a place for the compliment to truly land inside herself.

One of the ways I work with people is to find more balance between difficult feelings and places of calm within themselves. I often suggest people remember memories of being in the woods or by the beach because they bring up an almost automatic sense of peace. And, when you’re remembering the ocean or the woods, all of your senses are engaged, and, you can make space within yourself to slow down.

She had recently gone to the beach, and I encouraged her to remember how the waves looked on the shore, how blue they were, and what a wonderful day it had been. Immediately, her body relaxed. Her face softened.

“Notice the waves against the shore, their rhythm,” I said. 

She paused, appearing almost dreamy.

“Let yourself find your own inner rhythm, as though you are the waves. You are the wind against the ocean.” She began breathing with ease.

Later, she realized she felt she had to match the intensity of the compliment or respond with the same level back, which felt impossible in the moment.

Lots of people feel like this. 

It’s as though there is nothing you can say to match the level of feeling or to feel that you’re worthy of receiving such praise! The very thought of someone saying something nice brings up a lot of baggage – a lot of fears around believing that you can matter to people.

The subject of “mattering” was first named in the 1980’s. And, it’s been found to be integrally connected to self-efficacy, self-confidence, and the capacity to do feel you can make a difference in the world. It’s also the sense that you can connect meaningfully to others, that you matter to them. Letting yourself matter to others (or others matter to you) means trusting them. It’s trusting that they really know you, and that if you trust them, they won’t leave you. This is hard.

For those who grew up in families where they weren’t praised, compliments can feel pretty foreign. And, for those who grew up not being seen or known for who they were, but for what they did, it’s especially anxiety-provoking. Do they really know you? Can they really see you? What if they're just putting you on? What if they really knew you? And, once you have the sense that they do see you,  what do you do with being seen so deeply like this?

This can produce feelings much like Kara experienced: a little in shock, overwhelmed, overdoing a thank you (because the feelings don’t feel real yet), and feeling stuck replaying the situation over and over, trying to process it, even though it “should” be a positive experience.

Do you know this feeling?

Many people do. 

The amazing thing is it’s possible to change this feeling over time.

As Kara connected with the feeling of the water and her time at the beach, we brought back the feeling of the compliment. It’s best to go back and forth between intensity and calm, when you’re trying to ground yourself.

“Let yourself soften. Start with your chest. Let yourself feel just a tiny, tiny bit of the compliment, and the moment it becomes too much, remember the waves.”

As she went back and forth between the compliment and the waves, her body relaxed.  

“I can feel it now,” she said calmly. “That was a really kind thing she said. I know what to say now.” And, she grinned. 

The compliment had landed!

Elliott, Gregory; Kao, Suzanne; Grant, Ann-Marie (2004). Mattering: Empirical Validation of a Social-Psychological Concept. Self and Identity, 3: 339–354, 2004 

**(Please note that Kara is a composite of people, not one person).

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist who loves to work with kind and expressive people seeking greater empowerment, meaning, connection, and aliveness.

#compliments #self-worth #connection #trust #belonging #selfesteem #relationships #friendships #somatic #mindbody #psychotherapy #mindfulness 

Belonging: Poems from the Trees

I've been thinking a lot about the way many of us relate to nature as though to our own hearts. It's a way to find home. Not only in the world but in ourselves. You know that feeling when you enter the woods? (I'm thinking of Forest Park in Portland, Oregon, here). 

It's as though you've stepped into a hushed and misty space of trickling water and trees slanted in light that is almost other-worldly. It's hard to believe that one foot back was the regular, bright sunny world of cars and appointments. 

But, there it is! 

And, when you think about it, visualize it, write about it, (as I've done in my poems below), something can emerge in you, can light up as though it's always been there. Because it has. When you look inside, there is peace. There is the green, the hushed stillness, and the fragile, bright light. Take a moment, if you're willing. Pause. And, allow your inner forests to awaken. 

You Matter

The language of the heart resides in nature. 

When you feel lost, go to the woods.

When you feel forgotten, find the trees.

They will listen. 

Bring back their stories. 

Their bark holds great wisdom. 

Their roots are your roots. 

They have been there. So, now, are you.

The wind in their leaves is a messenger.

It speaks of change and being.

It speaks of what it is to last 

and to surrender at once.

When you wonder if you matter, 

let your soles touch the earth.

Let your heart find home.

This is matter. This is belonging. 

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Belonging: A Poem from the Trees

Opening to the mystery of bee song,

wooded path and

Spring!

(We can be happy here).

Misty tree in the freshest forest,

unfurling fern and hazy light.

There are deer in the distance

pausing to sip water

pausing to join the forest

in its awakening;

you can feel them 

listening.

Be still. Listen. 
You can hear with your whole body.

You can feel the mist lifting,

the ferns unfurling,

the motes of dust singing their song in the earliest of dawn.

Even drifters find belonging here.

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with people who are seeking empowerment, interconnectedness, and the aliveness of being.

Heart Habits: The Practice of Joy

5 Ways to Fill Your Life with More Joy  (+ 5 steps when things are hard)

Joy is a practice not just an outcome.

Here are some ways to create a foundation for joy to grow:

1. Make a playlist of songs that fill you with joy -- especially ones that have to do with happy memories -- and play it on your drive to work or school every day! Sing, if you dare. 

Use your mind to open your heart. Recounting the memories/associations you have with the song while you drive creates new memories of happiness. Personally, I love the song, Sh-boom because it reminds me of a movie I loved, Clue, and watching it with my brother and friends, and the feeling of the song is how I want to feel in my life. Approximating how you want to feel, will influence how you actually feel! This is about priming your mood as much as being in it. And, it helps if you choose a song that reminds you of friends, family and/or community. Positive connection (even in memory) builds joy.

2. Do New, Be New.  Ever notice how good it feels to have new clothes or something new in your life? That's because new experiences increase dopamine in the brain, and therefore, joy! Here are some examples: Wear colors that remind you of feeling open and happy. Try out colors you don't usually wear. Organize your closet based on colors, and choose the color based on your mood. Who knows? You might actually come to love a new color and create a new vision for yourself of who you are. This happened to me; I used to hate orange, and now one of my favorite colors is a neon orange that reminds me of joy, in part because I took a risk to wear it. Now, I have a mug I love that's also bright orange, and it's no coincidence that the colors for this category are orange! ;)  If colors don't work for you, try a new way of doing your hair, driving/getting to work/school, or a place you would never normally eat, drink, or go to. Notice how it feels. Risky, huh? New feels good.

3. Extensive studies show that creating and having a sense of meaning increases happiness. What situations or people in your life are hard right now? What can you learn from them? Are you living your life purpose? If you don't believe in such a thing, what gives your life meaning? How often are you infusing your life with that?  You can actually ask, with each action, "Will this bring more ________ (insert life purpose or focus here), into my life?" It could even be, "Will this bring more health and joy into my life?" And, if it does, do it! 

4. Gratitude for the good, and gratitude for the bad. Yup, you heard me. Open your heart to all the good in yourself, in your environment, (e.g. nature, people), and yes, open your heart and say, thank you to whatever you might be learning from difficult people or situations in your life. The more you can learn from a situation and appreciate it -- all of it -- the more joy you will experience! Don't worry if you can't, immediately feel joy about the hard stuff; but, as it gets a little easier, and you have a sense of why it's happening or what you can learn from it (e.g. creating meaning), that's the moment to bring in the thank you! ;) 

5. Even out the ratio of giving and receiving. Everyone talks about the positive effects of giving, but, what's rarely mentioned is that many women over-give but have trouble receiving. This isn't healthy. If you're a chronic giver or over-giver, soften to receive, and set up the intention to receive -- without trying to organize or manage what is given. If you're more often taking, try giving -- freely -- . It can be letting someone into traffic, or buying flowers and putting them outside people's doorsteps. Random Acts of Kindness are an awesome way to give. Let yourself open to receiving and freely offer kindness, as well, and trust me, you will feel a sense of joy! 

5 Steps To Lessen the Feelings When Things are Hard: 

1. Observe the feelings you're having as though you were watching a movie.

2. Accept the feelings. No, really! Give yourself space to observe all the layers of feelings (typically, people either feel more comfortable feeling anger OR sadness. If you tend towards one or the other, see if the other one - as well as other feelings in general -- is there). And, breathe! Breathe through it all. Studies suggest that it only takes 90 seconds to get through an emotion. 

3. Be supportive to yourself. This is not dwelling; this is compassion in action. 

4. Imagine yourself or someone you love hugging you. What we imagine is as real to our minds as what is physically happening, so when you visualize a hug, your body feels it, and Oxytocin (or Vasopressin for men),  helps to reduce stress. 

5. Think about a song (as suggested above), or a place (especially in nature) that fills you with great peace or joy. Picture or listen (even in your mind). The action of bringing together what's hard with what's beautiful or happy actually neutralizes the sadness or anger without decreasing the joy. Within the most peaceful and joyful places, you will find yourself.

In joy,

Heather

Let Joy in!

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in helping people find the joy in their lives.

#happiness #joy #self-esteem #psychotherapy #hope #optimism #heart #love #connection #meaning #life #goals #habits #mindfulness #gratitude #change 

Good Company

 Good Company

"You are the average of the top five people you spend the most time with," 
                                                                                                                      - Jim Rohn

                            Who are you keeping time with?

When I ask you this question, I don't just mean the actual people in your life, (though this is important to look at because the people you spend time with will, undoubtedly influence how you feel about yourself).

I mean the thoughts and feelings you spend time with, and the memories. 

In other words, what version of yourself are you hanging out with?

What are the top 5 memories you replay in your head?

What are the stories you tell about yourself?
Are they positive, negative, or in-between?

What we think about ourselves is how we then behave.

Our thoughts and feelings are the material with which we build our foundations.

If you're reminding yourself of a negative memory in which you were a victim, you are likely re-experiencing the feelings. But, if you re-tell a story of how you succeded, how do you think you'll feel about yourself  and your life?

The spiritual teacher, Byron Katie asks, "Who would you be without your story?"

This is not to say that you deny your story happened. No. But, why choose one story over another? The stories we tell about ourselves affect us, intimately.

So, I implore you:

* Watch your thoughts.* Watch which stories you re-tell to yourself or others-- however funny or amusing.

* What stories would you tell if you weren't telling these?

* Try telling different, uplifting stories.

* Notice how you feel.

* What you feel and think about can define how you behave, and, therefore, who you become. 

(Yes, the photo is from the show, Friends). :) 

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in private practice in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with kind and expressive people who want to live from their hearts and follow their dreams.

Where's Your Home? Is it Emotional, Physical, or Both?

When was the last time you felt at home? 

Recently, I was talking with someone about when she felt at home. It wasn't a steady feeling, she said, but there were singular moments when she found herself savoring life: being deep in conversation with a good friend, a feeling of settled comfort under her covers at night, and, cleaning her kitchen, ironically! She described that it was both a feeling and a physical place. 

When have you felt at home? 
Is it a constant feeling or does it come in waves?
Has it changed since you were a kid?
When do you feel welcome? 

So many of us have this idea of what home should be. A place of peace with perfect curtains and lights that welcome you from outside. A light left on just for you, and a meal inside. A family who loves you.  A partner who looks adoringly into your eyes. Plenty of money in the bank. A golden retriever greeting you joyously as you get home. Coffee with friends. Going to a party and feeling completely relaxed. There are many ways to think of home and being at home in your life. 

And, if you grew up in a less-than-perfect family, maybe you have a great desire to make your home nothing like how you grew up! 

But, even still, the truth is, for all of us, nothing is perfect; nothing is constant. 

Beyond the great conversations and dinners with friends, beyond the Golden Retriever or Lab who dances in your presence when you arrive return from work or school, there's the reality: Dishes in the sink, frustrations and breaches in your relationship, the wish to make a difference while making a living, dirty socks in the living room, questioning how to trust or not trust, balancing life with work or school, feeling tired, zoning out in front of the tv. You might feel lonely when with friends because it's hard to be honest about certain things, or fearful of bringing up something you just KNOW your partner will flip out about. This adds to a feeling of tenuousness between you and what you think of as family and home and comfort. Add an affair or a visit from difficult parents to the normal stress of everyday life, and the relationship between you and home can seem far away. 

It's harder to feel welcomed in the world when you feel distant from yourself or from people you love.

A good friend of mine said that she felt home was the connection between people. I love this definition.
Who do you call home? 

Is there anything you can do to bring yourself closer to the sense of home you desire -- either physically or emotionally? 

The more you're able to: 
1) Notice it
2) Name it 
3) Savor it

The more you'll be able to have a steady sense of home in your life. 

Think now of all the times you've felt at home. 

Make a list.

Choose one and think through in present tense:

Where are you? 
Who are you with? 
What time of day is it? 
What are you feeling? 
What are you seeing, hearing, or sensing?

Let yourself take in all the ways you feel at home. 

Our minds think that what we visualize is actually happening, so the more you're able to visualize connection and comfort, the more you'll feel at home in in the world.

And, that's a very good thing!

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in helping kind and expressive people feel more at home in themselves and the world. 

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com