Joy is a practice not just an outcome.
Here are some ways to create a foundation for joy to grow:
1. Make a playlist of songs that fill you with joy -- especially ones that have to do with happy memories -- and play it on your drive to work or school every day! Sing, if you dare.
Use your mind to open your heart. Recounting the memories/associations you have with the song while you drive creates new memories of happiness. Personally, I love the song, Sh-boom because it reminds me of a movie I loved, Clue, and watching it with my brother and friends, and the feeling of the song is how I want to feel in my life. Approximating how you want to feel, will influence how you actually feel! This is about priming your mood as much as being in it. And, it helps if you choose a song that reminds you of friends, family and/or community. Positive connection (even in memory) builds joy.
2. Do New, Be New. Ever notice how good it feels to have new clothes or something new in your life? That's because new experiences increase dopamine in the brain, and therefore, joy! Here are some examples: Wear colors that remind you of feeling open and happy. Try out colors you don't usually wear. Organize your closet based on colors, and choose the color based on your mood. Who knows? You might actually come to love a new color and create a new vision for yourself of who you are. This happened to me; I used to hate orange, and now one of my favorite colors is a neon orange that reminds me of joy, in part because I took a risk to wear it. Now, I have a mug I love that's also bright orange, and it's no coincidence that the colors for this category are orange! ;) If colors don't work for you, try a new way of doing your hair, driving/getting to work/school, or a place you would never normally eat, drink, or go to. Notice how it feels. Risky, huh? New feels good.
3. Extensive studies show that creating and having a sense of meaning increases happiness. What situations or people in your life are hard right now? What can you learn from them? Are you living your life purpose? If you don't believe in such a thing, what gives your life meaning? How often are you infusing your life with that? You can actually ask, with each action, "Will this bring more ________ (insert life purpose or focus here), into my life?" It could even be, "Will this bring more health and joy into my life?" And, if it does, do it!
4. Gratitude for the good, and gratitude for the bad. Yup, you heard me. Open your heart to all the good in yourself, in your environment, (e.g. nature, people), and yes, open your heart and say, thank you to whatever you might be learning from difficult people or situations in your life. The more you can learn from a situation and appreciate it -- all of it -- the more joy you will experience! Don't worry if you can't, immediately feel joy about the hard stuff; but, as it gets a little easier, and you have a sense of why it's happening or what you can learn from it (e.g. creating meaning), that's the moment to bring in the thank you! ;)
5. Even out the ratio of giving and receiving. Everyone talks about the positive effects of giving, but, what's rarely mentioned is that many women over-give but have trouble receiving. This isn't healthy. If you're a chronic giver or over-giver, soften to receive, and set up the intention to receive -- without trying to organize or manage what is given. If you're more often taking, try giving -- freely -- . It can be letting someone into traffic, or buying flowers and putting them outside people's doorsteps. Random Acts of Kindness are an awesome way to give. Let yourself open to receiving and freely offer kindness, as well, and trust me, you will feel a sense of joy!
5 Steps To Lessen the Feelings When Things are Hard:
1. Observe the feelings you're having as though you were watching a movie.
2. Accept the feelings. No, really! Give yourself space to observe all the layers of feelings (typically, people either feel more comfortable feeling anger OR sadness. If you tend towards one or the other, see if the other one - as well as other feelings in general -- is there). And, breathe! Breathe through it all. Studies suggest that it only takes 90 seconds to get through an emotion.
3. Be supportive to yourself. This is not dwelling; this is compassion in action.
4. Imagine yourself or someone you love hugging you. What we imagine is as real to our minds as what is physically happening, so when you visualize a hug, your body feels it, and Oxytocin (or Vasopressin for men), helps to reduce stress.
5. Think about a song (as suggested above), or a place (especially in nature) that fills you with great peace or joy. Picture or listen (even in your mind). The action of bringing together what's hard with what's beautiful or happy actually neutralizes the sadness or anger without decreasing the joy. Within the most peaceful and joyful places, you will find yourself.
In joy,
Heather
Let Joy in!
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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in helping people find the joy in their lives.
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