Less is More, Except When It's Not: An Insider's View From the Therapy Chair

Marianne looked up at me with relief, "I'm so happy you talk! My last therapist never said anything, and I could never tell what she was feeling." Such is the response of an extroverted client with an extroverted therapist! 

On the other hand, I also hear things like, "I'm so relieved that you understand why I think better when not making as much eye contact." Or, "I'm glad you understand why I need time to think about what I feel after we've talked for a bit."

As an extroverted therapist with an introverted partner, I am well aware of my way of being in the world. From an introvert's perspective, I talk A LOT. From an extrovert's perspective, I talk a normal amount! ;) 

This is because I think by talking. That's right, introverts! I think while talking and through our conversation, I learn a lot about what I think.  In therapy, I often will think through what I'm going to say. But, what I often do is play through the possibilities in what might be best to say based on what's happening for my client. Privately. This takes work!

But, for an introverted therapist, it's easy to do this! I'm so jealous! Well, impressed!

Introverts, in a world that's predominately extroverted, often feel overwhelmed by the amount of talking, visual stimulation, and processing. That's part of why it's necessary to retract, read, be in nature, or stare at the computer/tv for a while, to lessen the impact of everything being taken in too fast.

I've seen that "special stare" on my partner's face after I've been talking with enthusiasm, and my partner has taken in all that's possible in that moment. You introverts out there know what I mean! And, it's essential to tell people that you need down time to think about what's been said!

On the flip side, however, for extroverts who see introverted therapists, they may feel that their therapist doesn't respond strong enough or with enough words. They may feel lonely. They may feel a lack of warmth or a feeling that they're "too much." Meanwhile, their therapist might be feeling or thinking a lot, but on the inside! This is a common but never talked about issue.

I'm not sure why. 

It could be because we have a history of Freudian therapy wher the "patient" was expected to do all the talking. Or, maybe it's because the public doesn't know what to expect from a therapist, and, my guess is it's because most therapists are introverts. If you know the Myers-Briggs, most therapists are either INFPs or INFJ's, which, coincidentally, are minorities in the world. 

Most people are extroverts and being an NF (which I am, but an extroverted one), is a special category of a person who thinks and feels deeply, and analyzes this. It's great as a therapist!

When I'm with extroverted clients, we talk back and forth quickly. There's a lot of energy in the room! This is lively, though sometimes, I'm aware that we might miss some of that lovely slowness and awareness that gets generated by introverts who get energy from being alone and are often good at patience and examining layers of being.

When I'm with introverted clients, I actively slow myself down and get in touch with these layers. I try to use fewer words and often limit the amount of eye contact or turn my chair to allow for more physical space between me and my clients. When the person I'm working with is deep-feeling, we might exchange more through eye contact rather than words and there is so much depth! I love this.

I learn a lot from my clients, and examining these wonderful differences is one thing.

As a therapist, I encourage everyone out there to consider these differences and talk about them, especially if you feel you need MORE (talking or emotion or action) or   LESS    stimulation in therapy and in life. ;)

P.S. Marianne is made-up, but is based on real answers I've received from extroverted clients.

P.P.S. If an introverted therapist wrote this, there would be fewer exclamation marks, and, it would be 3 sentences long! ;)

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with people seeking greater inspiration, connection, and empowerment in their lives.

5 Steps Towards Greater Success

1. Think of something you want to create in your life. A success that you're moving toward.

2. Now, take a moment and think about one experience where you worked hard and were successful. Remember the feelings of elation and relief? How were you sitting or standing? Who were you talking to? Take a moment and take that posture. Feel the emotions coursing through you! Allow the energy to course through your arms and legs. Smile broadly. Allow yourself to fully experience all the feelings.

Remember how you thought you couldn't achieve it, and you did? Allow yourself to experience the memory: both the anxiety you felt that you wouldn't get it, and then the triumph!

3. Allow yourself to really soak up all the feelings

4. Think of two more instances when you got the very thing you were hoping for.

5. Now, go back to what you're hoping for. Allow the feelings of prior successes to flow through you and join with the wished-for success! :)

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This exercise is based on the (new age-y) book, Creating Money, by Sanaya Roman and Duane Packer, however, it's also supported by neuroscience. Our brains don't know the difference between what we see in front of us or in our minds (Antonio Damasio's research supports this).

When we recreate these positive experiences, we remind our minds (and bodies) that success is imminent, and the neural pathways in our minds that support these good outcomes are strengthened.

Which memories do you want to strengthen for your future?

P.S. I highly recommend this book for changing your experience of yourself in the world.

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in private practice in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with warm and expressive people seeking greater connection, inspiration, and empowerment in their lives.

Add More Chocolate. Wait -- Don't!

Maria looked down and thought about bed. It was 6:30 p.m. She felt worse than usual. Derek was out of town for work, and he'd been gone since morning. Whenever he left, she felt depleted. Bored, blank, kind of down. No energy to do the usual things she loved to do, (watch a movie or go out with friends) or even had to do (like housework). It was her day off, and yet, she felt worse than a day at work with Derek gone.

She felt bad; wasn't she enough without him? Was this the image she had of a woman alone? And, yet, this was the truth. All day, she'd been ignoring this, trying to keep busy, trying to make the hours pass, eating more than usual (the chocolate ice cream in the freezer was nearly gone!), and nothing helped.

She could honestly say -- from lots of therapy -- that her sadness/emptiness was based on so many lone summers when friends went to camp, or the fact that her parents were often gone and she was left to take care of herself. Food was a sole comfort.

Yet, insight alone was not enough to stop the hurt. This was, in part, because she felt she should know better, be better.

But, as she stopped, paused, and reflected, rather than racing around or napping, she came to the realization there was nothing that could fill that space of loneliness. It wasn't that she didn't still miss Derek, but calling friends, cleaning, and eating chocolate ice cream to fill his absence were preventing her from knowing what she needed.

And, when she stopped, the empty feeling inside her relaxed. She realized that nothing could fill the space. Not even chocolate! She allowed this feeling of awareness to expand inside of her, and relaxed deeper.

As she owned the lonely/feeling left feeling, Maria was amazed by the lightness she felt in her chest. The exhaustion eased. She felt strangely peaceful. She looked around. The bad feelings she'd been avoiding were less intense, and a new feeling of acceptance spread through her like warmth. Being in the moment rather than fighting the moment gave her a different experience of herself -- even more so than the insight that this experience was different from childhood. 

When we pause and accept the moments we are trying to ignore (or make better with chocolate, coffee, alcohol), something else happens. It's like a certain kind of courage takes over, and an ability to see what's beyond the loneliness.

Like feeling alive.

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with warm and expressive people seeking full self wellness.

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

The Fuzzy In-Between Feeling of I-Don't-Know

Sarah described the feeling as she sat before me. "I'm not sure I'm into dating her, but I'm not sure I'm not." She sat, looking puzzled. It's not for any particular reason I can pinpoint; it's just a feeling."

For those of us who use our intuition to determine our path, this fuzzy feeling can be really frustrating, not to mention confusing!

Eugene Gendlin, founder of Focusing, called this the "felt-sense," a feeling that is sensed but not known fully in words. It's experienced in your body. 

How many times have you thought to yourself that the answer to a problem was not yes, and not no, but also not maybe? That maybe was leaning too far toward yes? 

Have you ever had the experience where the answer inside you was this in between place, and then it changed more clearly the more you sat with it? That it became more clearly yes or no? It's kind of like not liking a book at a certain point in your life and then, at a later point in your life, the book becomes more relevant or understandable. Or, you like it more.

Do you want to try an exercise based on Focusing?

1. Take a moment to notice how you feel right now.

2. Close or lower your eyes.

3. Ask yourself, "How am I today?" 

4. Notice how this question feels in your body. Is there a response? Perhaps a pressure behind your throat or eyes or tension in your jaw. Maybe a leap or buzz in your stomach. 

5. Study the sensation without going into it. Is it heavy or light? What color is it? How does the rest of your body feel in relation to it?

6. If this feeling were an object, what would it be? 

7. Will the object allow you to remove it and imagine putting it on the floor in front of you?

8. Ask the object what it's needing.

9. Allow yourself to fulfill that. 

10. Notice how you feel now.

How is it to get to know the part of you that doesn't know? 

#Mindfulness #Focusing #Indecision #Making Decisions

Knowing What You Need

In my last blog article, I talk about knowing what your needs and feelings are in order to fulfill those instead of acting on a quick fix (after hours of stress or ignoring your needs). However, this can be difficult if you don't know how to put them into words.

So, I've created a list of needs, and also am including links to the Nonviolent Communication website, that includes very thorough lists of feelings and needs (no need to reinvent the wheel!).

Some of these needs might overlap with other needs at the same time, or they might cover an underlying need (e.g. control might be what you think you need, while safety is what you really need).

A Need For:  
Love
Belonging
Acceptance 
Connection
Comfort
Respect
Inspiration
Creativity
Harmony
Wholeness
Completion
Health/Exercise
Home
Physical well-being: food/water/shelter/bathing/sleep
Balance 
Order
Amusement
To be seen/known
Meaning
Solace
Activity
Calm
Peace
Joy
Accomplishment
For someone to be proud of you
Healing
Space/Autonomy
Learning
Adventure
Excitement 
Control
Hope
Safety

Nonviolent Communication list: https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory
http://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory

Okay, want to try something?

Choose three needs that stand out to you.
Close your eyes. 
Take a deep breath, slowly, in and out. 
Now, ask yourself, "Do I have a need for____________?" 
Notice how it feels to ask yourself what you're needing. See what arises. 
Think of one way to fulfill each need. 
See how your answers change, based on the day. :)

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a licensed psychologist in Portland, OR who delights in working with warm and expressive people seeking full-self wellness.
 

When Life Gets in the Way: The Way Back to Yourself

Kara was up all night working on a paper; the next morning, she grabs a blueberry muffin and a coffee and goes all day, forgetting to eat. She’s caught up in the busy-ness of her schedule and doesn’t realize it until she’s starving. 

By night fall, she’s exhausted, mentally and physically, and shakily hungry but instead of going home and facing more homework, she decides, on a whim to go out with friends for drinks. She stays out late. By the next morning, she’s exhausted again. She gets up and before class, works on another assignment that she put off two weeks ago because she was too exhausted to do it then.  She can’t wait for the weekend, because the week feels so long and she’s beat! She also has a headache and feels irritable. She gets in a fight with her girlfriend because her girlfriend doesn’t appreciate all she’s been doing around their apartment. She’s been trying to please everyone and she feels burnt out. She calls her mom who has always been critical. Yup: same mom! 

Afterwards, she feels worse than she did before she made the call. She doesn’t feel like she can sleep because she has so much to do, but she can’t focus either. She feels blah, frustrated, disconnected, and so tired. She doesn’t feel like texting anyone but she also feels lonely and down. How is she supposed to finish everything that needs to be done?

What does Kara need?

From the outside, it looks like she needs sleep and a good schedule. From the inside, though, Kara might need to slow down and take care some of her basic needs before moving forward, even though that’s the last thing her schedule warrants.

So many of us turn to instant gratification when we ignore our basic needs and this just makes our lives worse. We become more stressed.

We do some thing rather than the right thing. We do the thing that will momentarily, we think, make us feel better in the moment, because doing is often better than just sitting with the feeling. But, this often sets us up to feel worse later. And, the longer we wait for what we originally wanted, the more we feel pressured from the inside to insert something that’s not good for us, something familiar or easy.

The upshot?

There are going to be times when you feel too pressured by life, by what needs to be done to put your needs first. But, this doesn’t mean that you can’t do the second-best thing (like carrying healthy snacks with you).

Are you the kind of person who needs to be in pain, or starving to feel what you’re feeling?

If so, try putting yourself on a schedule, like eating every 4 hours and drink 1 glass of water an hour. See if you can notice your hunger before it takes a hold of you!

The best way to notice your needs is to create time for yourself to feel them.

When you feel irritated/frustrated or overwhelmed, stop and ask yourself, “How am I doing? What do I really need?”

Many times we insert food or caffeine, alcohol, or pleasing others where sleep, connection, and down time are really needed.

The next time you reach for that fill-in-the-blank, ask yourself, if that’s really what you want, or if there’s something deeper there. Stop. Take the time to listen to yourself.

The best way to change a habit is to interrupt it long enough to observe it. Then, you can change it.

Think now: Do you insert coffee/tea/exercise/work/alcohol/trying to please when you need to slow down, take time for yourself, be in nature, or connect?

The irony is that the more you make time for yourself and take care of your real needs, the more energy you have for yourself, your goals, and for doing what you love!

Steps:

1.       Identify the need (for food, water, sleep, downtime, connection, learning, excitement).

2.      Ask yourself, “What can I do to fill this need?”

3.      Insert something satisfying or secondarily-satisfying (eg for connection: texting friends instead of going out with them)

4.      Notice how you feel long-term. Know that this doesn't have to be perfect. You don't have to be perfect. Sometimes, accepting this fact alone can make a difference!

Chances are, you're going to feel more centered and energetic, with more time for yourself and others in your life!

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a licensed psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with warm and expressive people who want to experience more inspiration, empowerment, and connection in their lives. 

Where is Your Home?

Where is your home? 

(A Quilt - Applique & Alphabet)

When you truly imagine your home, do you think of your current house? Or, do you conjure up the smell or vision of your childhood home, where perhaps the kitchen smelled of cinnamon, doors were sticky from peanut butter and jelly sandwich fingers, and you had to wait an hour just to get into the bathroom? What do you remember? What invokes the sense of home for you?

When I worked with first year students from Wellesley College, they often described feeling homesick. And, yet, when I asked them what they truly missed, it wasn't their parent/s or their bedrooms. It wasn't their hometowns. Sure, they missed their friends and their pets, but mostly, it was the feeling of being known.

Friendships were already established, and family relationships, no matter how difficult, were understood. They didn't have to try so hard. 

Other students from different countries talked about missing the type of trees or the scent in the air, but when I asked them where home was, they talked about feeling it when they spoke to other students from their countries who used similar gestures, expressions, and intonations.

This got me thinking: home isn't a physical location. 

Home is the place between people who are connecting.
Home is the feeling you get when you feel understood. 

And, that reminded me of one of my favorite poems that I want to share with you:

When Someone Deeply Listens to You

When someone deeply listens to you
it is like holding out a dented cup
you've had since childhood
and watching it full up with
cold, fresh water.
When it balances on the top of the brim,
you are understood.
When it overflows and touches your skin,
you are loved.

When someone deeply listens to you
the room where you stay
starts a new life
and the place where you wrote your first poem
begins to glow in your mind's eye.
It is as if gold has been discovered!

When someone deeply listens to you
your bare feet are on the earth
and a beloved land that seemed distant
is now at home within you.

Isn't it true? The more loved you feel, the more at home in yourself and in the world you are. 

Who creates your home?

 (Photo by Jan Ruby)

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist who delights in working with kind and expressive people seeking inspiration, connection, and empowerment.