Maria looked down and thought about bed. It was 6:30 p.m. She felt worse than usual. Derek was out of town for work, and he'd been gone since morning. Whenever he left, she felt depleted. Bored, blank, kind of down. No energy to do the usual things she loved to do, (watch a movie or go out with friends) or even had to do (like housework). It was her day off, and yet, she felt worse than a day at work with Derek gone.
She felt bad; wasn't she enough without him? Was this the image she had of a woman alone? And, yet, this was the truth. All day, she'd been ignoring this, trying to keep busy, trying to make the hours pass, eating more than usual (the chocolate ice cream in the freezer was nearly gone!), and nothing helped.
She could honestly say -- from lots of therapy -- that her sadness/emptiness was based on so many lone summers when friends went to camp, or the fact that her parents were often gone and she was left to take care of herself. Food was a sole comfort.
Yet, insight alone was not enough to stop the hurt. This was, in part, because she felt she should know better, be better.
But, as she stopped, paused, and reflected, rather than racing around or napping, she came to the realization there was nothing that could fill that space of loneliness. It wasn't that she didn't still miss Derek, but calling friends, cleaning, and eating chocolate ice cream to fill his absence were preventing her from knowing what she needed.
And, when she stopped, the empty feeling inside her relaxed. She realized that nothing could fill the space. Not even chocolate! She allowed this feeling of awareness to expand inside of her, and relaxed deeper.
As she owned the lonely/feeling left feeling, Maria was amazed by the lightness she felt in her chest. The exhaustion eased. She felt strangely peaceful. She looked around. The bad feelings she'd been avoiding were less intense, and a new feeling of acceptance spread through her like warmth. Being in the moment rather than fighting the moment gave her a different experience of herself -- even more so than the insight that this experience was different from childhood.
When we pause and accept the moments we are trying to ignore (or make better with chocolate, coffee, alcohol), something else happens. It's like a certain kind of courage takes over, and an ability to see what's beyond the loneliness.
Like feeling alive.
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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with warm and expressive people seeking full self wellness.
http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com
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