* Is it easy for you to sense what others feel?
* Are you moved easily by others or sentimental experiences?
* Is it hard for you to watch violence on tv or in the news or to hear about upsetting experiences without feeling very upset or overwhelmed?
* Is it hard for you to distinguish between your feelings and others?
* Do strangers and friends find it easy to confide in you?
* Do you find yourself easily moved by other people’s stories
with the desire to help?
* Do you pick up/feel other people’s headaches, stomachaches,
etc?
* When with others, do you find yourself easily
swept away by their feelings, feelings you didn’t have before you connected
with them?
* Are you gentle with how you talk with others?
* Do you find yourself exhausted after being around certain
people or situations, even if you enjoy these people?
If you answered yes to four or more of these
questions, you may be an Empath. But, read on for more clarity...
What is an Empath?
Definitions abound, but based on research and experience, but, you're probably an Empath if you have three main
characteristics:
1. You feel deeply.
2. You easily “pick up” or feel other people’s
feelings (sadness, anger, joy, etc.) or sensations (stomachaches, headaches,
etc). Since feelings begin in the body as sensations (Antonio Damasio, 2000),
it is understandable that you might feel emotions as sensations.
3. You sincerely care about the welfare of others;
you think carefully about what you say to others, how they might receive what you have to say, and are quick to apologize if you hurt someone's feelings, unintentionally.
As people, we
instinctively “pick up” feelings by reading others’ facial expressions and
special neurons in our minds, called, “mirror neurons” (discovered by a
researcher named Marco Iacaboni), help us to literally mirror the feelings of
others as though they are our own. However, Empaths receive a stronger dose of
the feeling.
As a result, many Empaths struggle with learning to differentiate
their own feelings from those of others. It’s very common to feel overwhelmed
by other people’s emotions based on this ability. But, this can be learned and
honed. More on this later.
Sensitivity and
Empaths: Creating Differentiations
Many Empaths are Highly Sensitive People (Aron, 1997), who
are not only sensitive to people’s feelings but also to environmental stimuli
like bright lights, loud noises, strong smells, as well as crowds. However, it
is possible to be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and not be an Empath; some
HSPs are not at all sensitive to the feelings of others and not sensitive to
how they express their overwhelming feelings. On the other hand, some Empaths
are adept at blocking or feeling less bothered than HSPs by external stimuli
unrelated to social interaction.
Introverts prefer smaller groups, one-on-one and need alone
time in order to rejuvenate after interaction with others, and derive much of
their energy from quiet activities or alone time. Shy people are fearful of or
cautious in social interactions. While Empaths may need alone time to replenish
after being around someone with strong negative emotions, Empaths are not
necessarily introverted or shy.
Many Empaths are highly intuitive. This may be because our
ability to intuit often comes from a gut sense; and to have a gut sense often means
to be attuned to your body and emotional self. I say often, because for some,
intuition is a state of knowing that does not feel related to the body. This
does not mean, however, that Empaths are psychic. Empaths are not able to
determine the future.
Narcissistic people, or people with narcissistic traits can
be very sensitive to the feelings of others, but often respond with an edge
because they feel overwhelmed by their emotions. You can tell this because if
you are on the receiving end, their comments don’t feel good, or feel
self-serving. This is not empathy, even if they are able to read your emotions
carefully and correctly.
Lastly, many Adult Children of Alcoholics, Adult Children of
Narcissists, Adult Children of Autistic parents (or other forms of dysfunctional families)
struggle with feeling overwhelmed by their own feelings and being very attuned
to the environments and others’ feelings. In their unpredictable childhoods,
they adaptively learned to cope by scanning the environment, becoming what’s
called, hypervigilent to their parent’s
moods and behaviors through facial expressions, gestures, senses, (e.g.smell of
alcohol), in order to determine how to feel and act. This ability can translate into empathy, but needs to
be differentiated between a need for control and to feel safe versus an ability
to naturally attune to what others feel and to care about how the other person
feels.
Many ACOA’s care deeply about others and are truly kind in
the way they care for others. But part of the family structure in a dysfunctional
household is to try to save or cover up for the addicted/dysfunctional parent. And,
there is a difference between trying to save people and feeling their emotions.
Part of the work of therapy is to
differentiate between caring vs needing to feel that everyone is okay so that
the ACOA/Adult Child of dysfunctional family can feel okay. This is not empathy
but a need for safety, and is understandable given this upbringing. Sometimes,
people who grow up in dysfunctional families realize that their scanning of the
environment has heightened their ability to be empathic. Once they feel safe
enough in the world, they can relax and use this ability for good. :)
What’s
good about being an Empath?
- Increased capacity for connection
- Increased capacity to appreciate the world and
others
- Greater capacity to create community given
this deep caring
- Feel things deeply
- Usually in touch with their senses which
heightens appreciation and often, gratitude
- Increased intuition
- Increase creativity
- Increased capacity to implicitly understand the
feelings of others and a natural capacity to know how to help people to feel
better
Empaths care deeply about the world. People often feel safe
with an Empath, knowing that Empaths truly care about them and their concerns.
Empaths are typically warm towards others and expressive about their feelings.
Many massage therapists and psychotherapists are at an advantage, able to use
the information they receive to deepen connection and to better understand the
interaction and their clients better. Empathy is a powerful tool to create
implicit understanding.
Think of the last time someone looked in your eyes and
just understood what you were feeling. Now, think about how you offer that to
others. It’s a gift. But, in order to keep feeling that it’s a gift, it’s
imperative to be able to create good boundaries between yourself and others so
that you don’t feel drained.
A huge part of this is being aware of what you
feel so that you can differentiate between your feeling and others. Increased
capacity for connection, gratitude, and care all aid in creating stronger
health. However, if you struggle with letting feelings go, then health can be
impaired.
As a therapist, I work extensively with people wanting to
create better boundaries between themselves and others. Even though you already
feel emotions deeply, part of this involves identifying what you feel before
you enter into interaction with others. The more you feel connected to yourself
and lack fear of your own feelings, (what I call, internal balance,) the more
you will be able to release and replenish yourself.
Four Steps to Better
Internal Balance:
-
If you notice that you begin to feel sad, angry,
or empty while interacting with another person, change your posture and take a
breath in the the nose and out through the mouth, slowly.
- Name the emotion. It sounds simple, but naming
it tames it, to paraphrase noted Interpersonal Neurobiology psychiatrist,
Daniel Siegel. Take a breath.
- Notice how you feel in your palms and feet.
Wiggle your toes. Focus on areas of warmth and coolness in your body. Take
another breath.
- Change your focus and think about what you love in your life. Chocolate cake, the recent positive
interaction with your partner, a walk you went on in Forest Park with your pet,
Mushroom. Anything. The purpose is to reconnect with who you are to re-stabilize
yourself.
This four-part exercise also works well even when you’re not
an Empath but are feeling overwhelmed by an interaction with another person.
Notice that I mention moving, breathing, and focusing your attention on your
body. The purpose of this is to activate the part of your brain that is
involved in sensation which grounds you both in your body and the present
moment. I ask you to put a label on what you feel to invite the part of your
mind that can strategize and plan, and lastly, I ask you to think of who you
are to invite positive experiences into the interaction and ground you in
yourself and your life. This is all purposeful! And, it works.
If you would like individual help with this, I’m happy to
meet for a consultation or individual therapy. More blog posts to come on this topic.
References
Elaine Aron, (1997). The Highly Sensitive Person.
Antonio Damasio (2000). The Feeling of What Happens: Body
and Emotion in the Making of Consciousness
Marco Iacoboni (2008). Mirroring People: The New Science
of How We Connect With Others
Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist who helps
warm and expressive people find balance, meaning, and empowerment in their
lives.
http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com
Keywords: empathy, empath, connection, power of connections, healing, community, women, highly sensitive people, boundaries, balance, trust, creativity, intuition.
