Why Asking for Less Doesn't Bring You More

Why Asking for Less (in a Relationship) Will Not Bring You More

Have you ever gone into a restaurant and asked for the least best thing on the menu? Of course you haven’t! Yet, when you ask for say, three things from your relationship-to-be, what you’re really saying is, “I don’t deserve more. I don’t really think I can have more, or what I want isn’t out there.”

So, you’re either doubting that others have more or that you deserve more. Of course, there are those who don’t know what they want, but this post is not for them. It’s for those of you out there who feel that you can’t get what you want and so you ask for less. You think that if you play nice, and give that you’ll receive. 

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. Why? Because the people you seek who offer less may also want more. They may be takers. The giver and the taker often find each other in relationships. You might tell yourself that you love giving, but if you're honest with yourself, you know that all giving and no receiving makes for an unhappy, resentful time. Plus, if you give without asking, you might have the sense that he or she is with you only because you give and not for who you are as a person. You might think that if this person really knew you, he or she would know what you want. But, the truth is, no one is a mind reader. And, then, you might feel less important, invisible, or unwanted for who you are.

You see, when you believe you can’t find what you want, you find just that: someone who is not what you want! This is based on the principle of Cognitive Dissonance in psychology. Your brain cannot hold two disparate ideas at once, so the greater of those ideas, or the one you look for in the environment, wins out. You believe you can’t find someone great even though you hope differently; you scan the environment for signs of someone not being great, and wham! You prove yourself right. 

Think a moment about the best boss or teacher you’ve had. Was it someone who expected nothing from you? When I think of the best bosses or teachers I’ve had they’ve had at least four qualities alike: 1. They expected the best from me. Not just the best, but MY best, based on my level of development and abilities. 2. They were kind when I made mistakes. 3. They walked-the-talk and were willing to get in there with me; no job was below them (one of my PE teachers used to run laps with us, encouraging us; another one sat on the sidelines and yelled. Which do you think created more enthusiasm and inspiration?). 4. They were accountable. They apologized when they made mistakes, and I knew I could depend on them to follow-through.  

Want to try an exercise on this? 

1.      Think for a moment about what you really want in a relationship (existing or hoped-for) and allow yourself to feel the want. This might take some battling with self-concept. Maybe it feels too scary to allow yourself to hope for the best. Try to allow the possibility of what you want to last for at least five minutes.

2.      Write down what you want as though it has already happened.

3.      Make it present tense, e.g. “I now have a girlfriend who treats me with loyal, love and care. We have a great time together, are passionate about each other, and I know she wants only me, and also truly wants the best for me.”

4.      Notice what feelings emerge inside you as you say this out loud. How is your breathing? Are you holding your breath? Do you tense or relax?

5.      Now, notice what you are thinking. Write that down. Especially if it’s disbelief. e.g. “I don’t believe one word of this. This will never happen to me.”

6.      Now, write down your response to the dissent or negative thoughts. What is the argument for your belief? This is about re-enacting your cognitive dissonance in your favor and letting the hope win out. e.g. “Why not me? Other people describe feeling happy in their relationships. I have a lot to offer.”

7.      Write the affirmation again and notice the strength of your negative response. Write the counter response until you notice no negative responses in yourself.

8.      Try this every day. Write the affirmation daily and notice the changes!


Heather Schwartz, Psy.D
Licensed Psychologist
www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com