Heart Habits: The Practice of Joy

5 Ways to Fill Your Life with More Joy  (+ 5 steps when things are hard)

Joy is a practice not just an outcome.

Here are some ways to create a foundation for joy to grow:

1. Make a playlist of songs that fill you with joy -- especially ones that have to do with happy memories -- and play it on your drive to work or school every day! Sing, if you dare. 

Use your mind to open your heart. Recounting the memories/associations you have with the song while you drive creates new memories of happiness. Personally, I love the song, Sh-boom because it reminds me of a movie I loved, Clue, and watching it with my brother and friends, and the feeling of the song is how I want to feel in my life. Approximating how you want to feel, will influence how you actually feel! This is about priming your mood as much as being in it. And, it helps if you choose a song that reminds you of friends, family and/or community. Positive connection (even in memory) builds joy.

2. Do New, Be New.  Ever notice how good it feels to have new clothes or something new in your life? That's because new experiences increase dopamine in the brain, and therefore, joy! Here are some examples: Wear colors that remind you of feeling open and happy. Try out colors you don't usually wear. Organize your closet based on colors, and choose the color based on your mood. Who knows? You might actually come to love a new color and create a new vision for yourself of who you are. This happened to me; I used to hate orange, and now one of my favorite colors is a neon orange that reminds me of joy, in part because I took a risk to wear it. Now, I have a mug I love that's also bright orange, and it's no coincidence that the colors for this category are orange! ;)  If colors don't work for you, try a new way of doing your hair, driving/getting to work/school, or a place you would never normally eat, drink, or go to. Notice how it feels. Risky, huh? New feels good.

3. Extensive studies show that creating and having a sense of meaning increases happiness. What situations or people in your life are hard right now? What can you learn from them? Are you living your life purpose? If you don't believe in such a thing, what gives your life meaning? How often are you infusing your life with that?  You can actually ask, with each action, "Will this bring more ________ (insert life purpose or focus here), into my life?" It could even be, "Will this bring more health and joy into my life?" And, if it does, do it! 

4. Gratitude for the good, and gratitude for the bad. Yup, you heard me. Open your heart to all the good in yourself, in your environment, (e.g. nature, people), and yes, open your heart and say, thank you to whatever you might be learning from difficult people or situations in your life. The more you can learn from a situation and appreciate it -- all of it -- the more joy you will experience! Don't worry if you can't, immediately feel joy about the hard stuff; but, as it gets a little easier, and you have a sense of why it's happening or what you can learn from it (e.g. creating meaning), that's the moment to bring in the thank you! ;) 

5. Even out the ratio of giving and receiving. Everyone talks about the positive effects of giving, but, what's rarely mentioned is that many women over-give but have trouble receiving. This isn't healthy. If you're a chronic giver or over-giver, soften to receive, and set up the intention to receive -- without trying to organize or manage what is given. If you're more often taking, try giving -- freely -- . It can be letting someone into traffic, or buying flowers and putting them outside people's doorsteps. Random Acts of Kindness are an awesome way to give. Let yourself open to receiving and freely offer kindness, as well, and trust me, you will feel a sense of joy! 

5 Steps To Lessen the Feelings When Things are Hard: 

1. Observe the feelings you're having as though you were watching a movie.

2. Accept the feelings. No, really! Give yourself space to observe all the layers of feelings (typically, people either feel more comfortable feeling anger OR sadness. If you tend towards one or the other, see if the other one - as well as other feelings in general -- is there). And, breathe! Breathe through it all. Studies suggest that it only takes 90 seconds to get through an emotion. 

3. Be supportive to yourself. This is not dwelling; this is compassion in action. 

4. Imagine yourself or someone you love hugging you. What we imagine is as real to our minds as what is physically happening, so when you visualize a hug, your body feels it, and Oxytocin (or Vasopressin for men),  helps to reduce stress. 

5. Think about a song (as suggested above), or a place (especially in nature) that fills you with great peace or joy. Picture or listen (even in your mind). The action of bringing together what's hard with what's beautiful or happy actually neutralizes the sadness or anger without decreasing the joy. Within the most peaceful and joyful places, you will find yourself.

In joy,

Heather

Let Joy in!

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in helping people find the joy in their lives.

#happiness #joy #self-esteem #psychotherapy #hope #optimism #heart #love #connection #meaning #life #goals #habits #mindfulness #gratitude #change 

Good Company

 Good Company

"You are the average of the top five people you spend the most time with," 
                                                                                                                      - Jim Rohn

                            Who are you keeping time with?

When I ask you this question, I don't just mean the actual people in your life, (though this is important to look at because the people you spend time with will, undoubtedly influence how you feel about yourself).

I mean the thoughts and feelings you spend time with, and the memories. 

In other words, what version of yourself are you hanging out with?

What are the top 5 memories you replay in your head?

What are the stories you tell about yourself?
Are they positive, negative, or in-between?

What we think about ourselves is how we then behave.

Our thoughts and feelings are the material with which we build our foundations.

If you're reminding yourself of a negative memory in which you were a victim, you are likely re-experiencing the feelings. But, if you re-tell a story of how you succeded, how do you think you'll feel about yourself  and your life?

The spiritual teacher, Byron Katie asks, "Who would you be without your story?"

This is not to say that you deny your story happened. No. But, why choose one story over another? The stories we tell about ourselves affect us, intimately.

So, I implore you:

* Watch your thoughts.* Watch which stories you re-tell to yourself or others-- however funny or amusing.

* What stories would you tell if you weren't telling these?

* Try telling different, uplifting stories.

* Notice how you feel.

* What you feel and think about can define how you behave, and, therefore, who you become. 

(Yes, the photo is from the show, Friends). :) 

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in private practice in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with kind and expressive people who want to live from their hearts and follow their dreams.

Where's Your Home? Is it Emotional, Physical, or Both?

When was the last time you felt at home? 

Recently, I was talking with someone about when she felt at home. It wasn't a steady feeling, she said, but there were singular moments when she found herself savoring life: being deep in conversation with a good friend, a feeling of settled comfort under her covers at night, and, cleaning her kitchen, ironically! She described that it was both a feeling and a physical place. 

When have you felt at home? 
Is it a constant feeling or does it come in waves?
Has it changed since you were a kid?
When do you feel welcome? 

So many of us have this idea of what home should be. A place of peace with perfect curtains and lights that welcome you from outside. A light left on just for you, and a meal inside. A family who loves you.  A partner who looks adoringly into your eyes. Plenty of money in the bank. A golden retriever greeting you joyously as you get home. Coffee with friends. Going to a party and feeling completely relaxed. There are many ways to think of home and being at home in your life. 

And, if you grew up in a less-than-perfect family, maybe you have a great desire to make your home nothing like how you grew up! 

But, even still, the truth is, for all of us, nothing is perfect; nothing is constant. 

Beyond the great conversations and dinners with friends, beyond the Golden Retriever or Lab who dances in your presence when you arrive return from work or school, there's the reality: Dishes in the sink, frustrations and breaches in your relationship, the wish to make a difference while making a living, dirty socks in the living room, questioning how to trust or not trust, balancing life with work or school, feeling tired, zoning out in front of the tv. You might feel lonely when with friends because it's hard to be honest about certain things, or fearful of bringing up something you just KNOW your partner will flip out about. This adds to a feeling of tenuousness between you and what you think of as family and home and comfort. Add an affair or a visit from difficult parents to the normal stress of everyday life, and the relationship between you and home can seem far away. 

It's harder to feel welcomed in the world when you feel distant from yourself or from people you love.

A good friend of mine said that she felt home was the connection between people. I love this definition.
Who do you call home? 

Is there anything you can do to bring yourself closer to the sense of home you desire -- either physically or emotionally? 

The more you're able to: 
1) Notice it
2) Name it 
3) Savor it

The more you'll be able to have a steady sense of home in your life. 

Think now of all the times you've felt at home. 

Make a list.

Choose one and think through in present tense:

Where are you? 
Who are you with? 
What time of day is it? 
What are you feeling? 
What are you seeing, hearing, or sensing?

Let yourself take in all the ways you feel at home. 

Our minds think that what we visualize is actually happening, so the more you're able to visualize connection and comfort, the more you'll feel at home in in the world.

And, that's a very good thing!

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in helping kind and expressive people feel more at home in themselves and the world. 

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

The Light in You

Where's your gaze? 

On the light or the dark in your life? 

To see one, you have to recognize the other; meaning comes from the recognition of both. 
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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a mindfulness and relational psychologist who loves working with kind and expressive people who want to change their lives for the better and make a better world for all.
http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

The Practice of Inner Fire: Savoring and "Saving" Energy

Would you like to experience more energy in your life, more joy and creativity?

Wouldn't we all? ;)

After a couple cups of tea or coffee, or after a passionate conversation on some of my favorite topics where meaning and transformation are discussed, I often have this flurry of ideas, or a wish to buy a wished for book, watch a TED Talk, or go out to Forest Park and drink in, through my senses, all the colors and textures and scents of the forest path. I have this exhilaration of life and all life's possibilities! 

There's nothing wrong with this; in fact, this experience is the birthplace of creativity and inspiration. It's where all good dreams come from. And, this blog article, too! ;)

And yet, expending intense energy rather than savoring it, can lead to bursts of energy and then fatigue. Savoring it, on the other hand, means allowing the energy of delight to expand. 

As Researcher, Dr. Brene Brown says joy is the hardest emotion for Americans to feel. I believe it! As a nation, we're focused on the next big thing, and move from one thing to the next without stopping to savor. 

So, I've been experimenting with an exercise that I call, The Practice of Inner Fire. 

This exercise allows for a deeper experience of holding life force energy. It's a way to savor the richness of life from the inside. It's also a way to practice experiencing the build-up of intensity rather than letting it go. 

It can be applied from to everything from intimate acts to inspiration to how you spend (or save) money. 

Are you interested? 

Here we go:

1. Take a moment and focus on your belly. Notice the sensations there. 

2. As you take a deep breath in, imagine that there is a small beautiful fire. This is warmth and comfort in the center of you, your belly. 

3. As you breathe out, the fire grows. It's beautiful. And, powerful. 

4. Imagine that the inside of you is a room. It's glowing with the light of this powerful energy. You can also imagine the space inside you as a room that you envision and love. Decorate it as you like.

5. As you allow the fire to grow in size, all the walls of this room inside of you expand. 

6. Notice how the fire and the walls are in synch with each other. As the fire grows, the walls and ceiling expand. This is a dialogue between your mind and your body.

7. If the room gets too big, let the walls come in closer. You want the shadow of the fire to be close to the walls, without burning them.

8. Allow your envisioned room to grow until the fire is a good size, warming you from the inside, supplying you with joy.

9. Sense the heat of this. Notice how it feels to "hold" the warmth, as though you are a hearth. 

10. Wonderful! You have arrived!

Let yourself enjoy this for at least 2 minutes, breathing in and out, noticing and practicing holding the abundance of all life. 

***

In the next blog article, I'll provide another exercise to expand on this one. In the meantime, feel free to practice this daily and enjoy an increase in your ability to hold and savor your life force energy! 

Warmest wishes to you,

Heather

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Heather Schwartz is an integrative licensed psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with kind and expressive people who want to create more joy and connection in their lives.

#abundance #prosperity #desire #spirituality #visualizations #empowerment #transformation #money #mindbody #wellness #holistic #psychotherapy #integrative

The "Radiant Yes of the Heart"

Are you feeling lonely? Wishing you had a better relationship or just one at all? 
The truth is everyone has felt this way before. Or, most everyone!

Every year, when the dreaded Valentine’s Day rolls around, I hear countless people talk about their longing for closeness, connection and love. It's so normal and yet so hard, isn't it?

What is love? 

“The words, ‘I love you,' spoken in moments of genuine appreciation, wonder, or caring arise from something perfectly pure within us – the capacity to open ourselves and say yes without reserve. Such moments of pure openheartedness bring us as close to natural perfection as we can come in this life. The warmth and radiant yes of the heart, like the sun, in bringing all things to life and nourishing all that is truly human,” psychologist, John Welwood writes in his book, Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships. 

How do we get there? The going is tough, especially when you’re reminded -- candy hearts, pretty paper cutouts and all --of love’s "perfect" tidings in every supermarket.

  To be cherished by one person whom you also love and adore above all others is the wish of most of us. It's lovely when it happens, and I have to say, as you know, if you're in one, it takes work. 

Love is a process not an outcome. It's an ongoing, deliberate and focused intention, even when you have a sweetie. And, it's always an inner experience as much as an outer expression of one. 

For many, even those with partners, Valentine's Day Month can feel exacting. What show of affection, what gift can relay the true depth of feeling? Wounds in the relationship (like those from cheating), or wounds carried from childhood can be stirred up around Valentine’s Day: of not being worthy of attention, affection, or genuine caring. Can you trust the one you love? Can you trust that you are loved? 

 And, if you’re a person who gives easily, it may be hard for you to trust and really receive from your partner – or others. This is about feeling loved as much as it is about loving someone else.

I know I’ve written about this before here, and I’m writing about it again because reciprocity, the capacity to receive as deeply as you give, is an essential part of any good relationship, romantic or platonic.  

I bring up platonic love because people underplay – in fits of despondency – the benefits that friendship, pets, kids, work and therapy connections, and positive family interactions create. Nourishing connections – even a smile exchanged by strangers, holding a door open, letting someone into traffic, hugging, all of these – increase our oxytocin and allow us to experience hints of joy, moments of belonging, like the warmth of sunlight on our faces. And, it's in our gratitude of each of these that we let a little more love in. Softening to it all, we make room for ourselves to feel loved.

Allowing others in gives us a sense of belonging, which is a form of love. As well-known researcher, Dr. Brene Brown notes, fitting in is not drawing attention to yourself, while belonging is being known and loved for who you are.

Take a moment now. Who knows and cares deeply about your well-being? Who lets you in? Who are you most yourself with? These are questions to remind yourself of. It takes courage and willingness to let yourself be seen.



Are you willing?


The benefits of love in any form are longstanding! Feeling love helps you to open yourself up more and create more relationships like this one.  

“To say yes without reserve… the warmth and radiant yes of the heart, like the sun, in bringing all things to life and nourshing all that is truly human,” John Welwood writes. Wow. I couldn’t say it any better, could you? 
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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in helping kind, self-reflective people speak from their hearts and feel more at home in themselves and the world.

Have Trouble Meditating? Maybe This is Why.

Jenny takes a deep breath, setting her phone app, Calm (from calm.com) to 10 minutes — just ten minutes of meditation, and tries to focus. Her mind is going a million miles an hour: “Did I do my math homework right? Do I need to pick up something for lunch? When is Matt going to be done at his appointment? I have to pick him up. He’ll be mad at me if I’m late.” The more she tries to breathe slowly, the harder it becomes to focus. Her heart is beating much faster than before, and she feels surprisingly amped up, rather than calm like the app says.

What’s happening?

Jenny grew up in an angry and chaotic family where her mother frequently yelled without provocation, (often when things seemed okay). She felt she always had to be on guard at all times for her little sister, Tam, who was always in trouble with her mother— often without reason. She was Tam’s protector. 

Jenny’s brain adjusted to years of scanning the environment, her mother’s expressions, and any change in tone in the environment, and now, when she goes to try to relax and close her eyes, she feels more anxious. 

There are times when Jenny feels less anxious, but they might happen more when she’s drinking or very tired. Or, if she does feel more relaxed, she usually buys coffee or gets in a fight with her boyfriend and then she feels more like her usual self.  She also feels down about herself because it's hard to slow down her thoughts or relax, and seems to have really bad taste in boyfriends. 

If you grew up in a family where upheaval was normal, you probably have a brain that’s used to ups and downs, or feeling uneasy. Calm might = calm before the storm! 

And, so when you try to create calm, you might feel more excited, and not in a good way! There might be a feeling that the other shoe is about to drop. Some people choose partners who have emotional ups and downs to feel more normal, to match what they're used to. Though this isn’t fun, there can be something understandably predictable about this unpredictability.

So, when nothing is happening, a person might feel bored, numb, or tired, or not know what s/he's feeling. 

In therapy, when we inquire more deeply underneath the numbness, there are usually more feelings that, when given the room, can be experienced. It takes bravery to really feel what’s under the "nothing-happening-here” feeling.

Children who grow up in chaotic environments, are often not used to experiencing softer, more vulnerable emotions (like sadness). These emotions become eclipsed by bigger, faster emotions of anger or fear, and may have created numbness or a feeling that something bad will happen if she or he relaxes.

So, it makes sense that meditation -- sitting still and prone (like a sitting duck) with your eyes closed (rather than scanning the environment) feels very vulnerable. Too vulnerable! 

That's why it's really important to take meditation or sitting still slowly.

I recommend trying meditation-- but, with your eyes open -- to increase groundedness. Meditating by noticing your surroundings is called, informal meditation. 

Here's how you do it: 

Notice what you're seeing. Notice any feelings which emerge as you focus just on what you're seeing physically. Name the sensations in your body (tense, full, heavy, tight, expansive, etc). Or, name the emotions. 

Now, notice what you're hearing. Again, notice any feelings or thoughts that come up. See if you can just observe yourself thinking the thoughts rather than going down the rabbit hole with them. If you find yourself thinking about something, that's fine. Bring your mind back to the present moment. 

Do this with sense of smell and sensation. Or, just one sense, especially one that comes naturally to you based on your learning style. 

There's no perfect way in the world of meditation. Not for anyone. 

If sitting with your eyes open doesn't work, try this with moving meditation (yoga, pilates, t’ai chi, qigong, etc). Notice your thoughts and feelings as you move, keeping your eyes open. 

Over time, you'll be ready to close your eyes. But, this takes trust -- that you don't have to be on guard, and that you can know that what you're feeling won't take over completely, lasting forever. 

There's nothing wrong with this. This isn't just a mental issue: your body actually responds to the feeling that there could be danger after years of being primed by chaos. 

So, be patient with yourself. The irony is, feeling emotions releases them. You might feel more intensity for a moment. Typically, emotions take 90 seconds to release if you focus on them. This is according to Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroanatomist. 

In therapy, or through very small moments of informal or formal meditation, you can retrain your brain to remind yourself that calm doesn’t have to mean danger. A process called, pruning (like with plants) erodes the old neural pathways which led to panic, and new neural pathways are born as you introduce calm.

With great patience and trust, you will find your way back to your inherent wholeness and the realization that you can experience greater balance, joy, and trust in the world.

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with kind and expressive people who want to experience more peace and happiness in their lives.

#meditation #trust #love #trauma #dysfunctional #family