Are You an Empath?

* Is it easy for you to sense what others feel?

* Are you moved easily by others or sentimental experiences?

* Is it hard for you to watch violence on tv or in the news or to hear about upsetting experiences without feeling very upset or overwhelmed?

* Is it hard for you to distinguish between your feelings and others?

* Do strangers and friends find it easy to confide in you?

* Do you find yourself easily moved by other people’s stories with the desire to help?

* Do you pick up/feel other people’s headaches, stomachaches, etc?

* When with others, do you find yourself easily swept away by their feelings, feelings you didn’t have before you connected with them?

* Are you gentle with how you talk with others?

* Do you find yourself exhausted after being around certain people or situations, even if you enjoy these people? 

If you answered yes to four or more of these questions, you may be an Empath. But, read on for more clarity...

What is an Empath?          

     Definitions abound, but based on research and experience, but, you're probably an Empath if you have three main characteristics:

     1. You feel deeply.

     2. You easily “pick up” or feel other people’s feelings (sadness, anger, joy, etc.) or sensations (stomachaches, headaches, etc). Since feelings begin in the body as sensations (Antonio Damasio, 2000), it is understandable that you might feel emotions as sensations.

     3. You sincerely care about the welfare of others; you think carefully about what you say to others, how they might receive what you have to say, and are quick to apologize if you hurt someone's feelings, unintentionally.

As people, we instinctively “pick up” feelings by reading others’ facial expressions and special neurons in our minds, called, “mirror neurons” (discovered by a researcher named Marco Iacaboni), help us to literally mirror the feelings of others as though they are our own. However, Empaths receive a stronger dose of the feeling.

As a result, many Empaths struggle with learning to differentiate their own feelings from those of others. It’s very common to feel overwhelmed by other people’s emotions based on this ability. But, this can be learned and honed. More on this later.
  

Sensitivity and Empaths: Creating Differentiations

Many Empaths are Highly Sensitive People (Aron, 1997), who are not only sensitive to people’s feelings but also to environmental stimuli like bright lights, loud noises, strong smells, as well as crowds. However, it is possible to be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and not be an Empath; some HSPs are not at all sensitive to the feelings of others and not sensitive to how they express their overwhelming feelings. On the other hand, some Empaths are adept at blocking or feeling less bothered than HSPs by external stimuli unrelated to social interaction. 

Introverts prefer smaller groups, one-on-one and need alone time in order to rejuvenate after interaction with others, and derive much of their energy from quiet activities or alone time. Shy people are fearful of or cautious in social interactions. While Empaths may need alone time to replenish after being around someone with strong negative emotions, Empaths are not necessarily introverted or shy.

Many Empaths are highly intuitive. This may be because our ability to intuit often comes from a gut sense; and to have a gut sense often means to be attuned to your body and emotional self. I say often, because for some, intuition is a state of knowing that does not feel related to the body. This does not mean, however, that Empaths are psychic. Empaths are not able to determine the future. 

Narcissistic people, or people with narcissistic traits can be very sensitive to the feelings of others, but often respond with an edge because they feel overwhelmed by their emotions. You can tell this because if you are on the receiving end, their comments don’t feel good, or feel self-serving. This is not empathy, even if they are able to read your emotions carefully and correctly.

Lastly, many Adult Children of Alcoholics, Adult Children of Narcissists, Adult Children of Autistic parents (or other forms of dysfunctional families) struggle with feeling overwhelmed by their own feelings and being very attuned to the environments and others’ feelings. In their unpredictable childhoods, they adaptively learned to cope by scanning the environment, becoming what’s called, hypervigilent to their parent’s moods and behaviors through facial expressions, gestures, senses, (e.g.smell of alcohol), in order to determine how to feel and act. This ability can translate into empathy, but needs to be differentiated between a need for control and to feel safe versus an ability to naturally attune to what others feel and to care about how the other person feels. 

Many ACOA’s care deeply about others and are truly kind in the way they care for others. But part of the family structure in a dysfunctional household is to try to save or cover up for the addicted/dysfunctional parent. And, there is a difference between trying to save people and feeling their emotions.  Part of the work of therapy is to differentiate between caring vs needing to feel that everyone is okay so that the ACOA/Adult Child of dysfunctional family can feel okay. This is not empathy but a need for safety, and is understandable given this upbringing. Sometimes, people who grow up in dysfunctional families realize that their scanning of the environment has heightened their ability to be empathic. Once they feel safe enough in the world, they can relax and use this ability for good. :)

 

What’s good about being an Empath?

1. Increased capacity for connection
2. Increased capacity to appreciate the world and others
3. Greater capacity to create community given this deep caring 
4. Feel things deeply
5. Usually in touch with their senses which heightens appreciation and often, gratitude
6. Increased intuition
7. Increase creativity
8. Increased capacity to implicitly understand the feelings of others and a natural capacity to  know how to help people to feel better

Empaths care deeply about the world. People often feel safe with an Empath, knowing that Empaths truly care about them and their concerns. Empaths are typically warm towards others and expressive about their feelings. Many massage therapists and psychotherapists are at an advantage, able to use the information they receive to deepen connection and to better understand the interaction and their clients better. Empathy is a powerful tool to create implicit understanding. 

Think of the last time someone looked in your eyes and just understood what you were feeling. Now, think about how you offer that to others. It’s a gift. But, in order to keep feeling that it’s a gift, it’s imperative to be able to create good boundaries between yourself and others so that you don’t feel drained.

A huge part of this is being aware of what you feel so that you can differentiate between your feeling and others. Increased capacity for connection, gratitude, and care all aid in creating stronger health. However, if you struggle with letting feelings go, then health can be impaired.

As a therapist, I work extensively with people wanting to create better boundaries between themselves and others. Even though you already feel emotions deeply, part of this involves identifying what you feel before you enter into interaction with others. The more you feel connected to yourself and lack fear of your own feelings, (what I call, internal balance,) the more you will be able to release and replenish yourself.

Four Steps to Better Internal Balance:

1.   If you notice that you begin to feel sad, angry, or empty while interacting with another person, change your posture and take a breath in the the nose and out through the mouth, slowly.
2.  Name the emotion. It sounds simple, but naming it tames it, to paraphrase noted Interpersonal Neurobiology psychiatrist, Daniel Siegel. Take a breath.
3.  Notice how you feel in your palms and feet. Wiggle your toes. Focus on areas of warmth and coolness in your body. Take another breath.
4.  Change your focus and think about what you love in your life. Chocolate cake, the recent positive interaction with your partner, a walk you went on in Forest Park with your pet, Mushroom. Anything. The purpose is to reconnect with who you are to re-stabilize yourself.

This four-part exercise also works well even when you’re not an Empath but are feeling overwhelmed by an interaction with another person. Notice that I mention moving, breathing, and focusing your attention on your body. The purpose of this is to activate the part of your brain that is involved in sensation which grounds you both in your body and the present moment. I ask you to put a label on what you feel to invite the part of your mind that can strategize and plan, and lastly, I ask you to think of who you are to invite positive experiences into the interaction and ground you in yourself and your life. This is all purposeful! And, it works. 

If you would like individual help with this, I’m happy to meet for a consultation or individual therapy.  More blog posts to come on this topic.

References

Elaine Aron, (1997). The Highly Sensitive Person.

Antonio Damasio (2000). The Feeling of What Happens: Body and Emotion in the Making of Consciousness

Marco Iacoboni (2008). Mirroring People: The New Science of How We Connect With Others

Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist who helps warm and expressive people find balance, meaning, and empowerment in their lives.

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

Keywords: empathy, empath, connection, power of connections, healing, community, women, highly sensitive people, boundaries, balance, trust, creativity, intuition.

Why Asking for Less Doesn't Bring You More

Why Asking for Less (in a Relationship) Will Not Bring You More

Have you ever gone into a restaurant and asked for the least best thing on the menu? Of course you haven’t! Yet, when you ask for say, three things from your relationship-to-be, what you’re really saying is, “I don’t deserve more. I don’t really think I can have more, or what I want isn’t out there.”

So, you’re either doubting that others have more or that you deserve more. Of course, there are those who don’t know what they want, but this post is not for them. It’s for those of you out there who feel that you can’t get what you want and so you ask for less. You think that if you play nice, and give that you’ll receive. 

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. Why? Because the people you seek who offer less may also want more. They may be takers. The giver and the taker often find each other in relationships. You might tell yourself that you love giving, but if you're honest with yourself, you know that all giving and no receiving makes for an unhappy, resentful time. Plus, if you give without asking, you might have the sense that he or she is with you only because you give and not for who you are as a person. You might think that if this person really knew you, he or she would know what you want. But, the truth is, no one is a mind reader. And, then, you might feel less important, invisible, or unwanted for who you are.

You see, when you believe you can’t find what you want, you find just that: someone who is not what you want! This is based on the principle of Cognitive Dissonance in psychology. Your brain cannot hold two disparate ideas at once, so the greater of those ideas, or the one you look for in the environment, wins out. You believe you can’t find someone great even though you hope differently; you scan the environment for signs of someone not being great, and wham! You prove yourself right. 

Think a moment about the best boss or teacher you’ve had. Was it someone who expected nothing from you? When I think of the best bosses or teachers I’ve had they’ve had at least four qualities alike: 1. They expected the best from me. Not just the best, but MY best, based on my level of development and abilities. 2. They were kind when I made mistakes. 3. They walked-the-talk and were willing to get in there with me; no job was below them (one of my PE teachers used to run laps with us, encouraging us; another one sat on the sidelines and yelled. Which do you think created more enthusiasm and inspiration?). 4. They were accountable. They apologized when they made mistakes, and I knew I could depend on them to follow-through.  

Want to try an exercise on this? 

1.      Think for a moment about what you really want in a relationship (existing or hoped-for) and allow yourself to feel the want. This might take some battling with self-concept. Maybe it feels too scary to allow yourself to hope for the best. Try to allow the possibility of what you want to last for at least five minutes.

2.      Write down what you want as though it has already happened.

3.      Make it present tense, e.g. “I now have a girlfriend who treats me with loyal, love and care. We have a great time together, are passionate about each other, and I know she wants only me, and also truly wants the best for me.”

4.      Notice what feelings emerge inside you as you say this out loud. How is your breathing? Are you holding your breath? Do you tense or relax?

5.      Now, notice what you are thinking. Write that down. Especially if it’s disbelief. e.g. “I don’t believe one word of this. This will never happen to me.”

6.      Now, write down your response to the dissent or negative thoughts. What is the argument for your belief? This is about re-enacting your cognitive dissonance in your favor and letting the hope win out. e.g. “Why not me? Other people describe feeling happy in their relationships. I have a lot to offer.”

7.      Write the affirmation again and notice the strength of your negative response. Write the counter response until you notice no negative responses in yourself.

8.      Try this every day. Write the affirmation daily and notice the changes!


Heather Schwartz, Psy.D
Licensed Psychologist
www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

Your Inner Forests

Poet, W.S Merwin writes,


"I want to tell
what the forests
were like
I will have to speak
in a forgotten language."


What forests have you forgotten in yourself?
In other words, what aspects of your life have you loved and forgotten to include to make your life more rich and lush?


How do you get back to what's green and new inside of yourself?


I realized as I was reading a blog about changing around habits to make them more enjoyable, that I hadn't written for a long time, and that writing, and reading poetry remind me of my inner forests, which is how this blog entry came to be.


What haven't you done in a while that connects you with your inner aliveness?


Take a moment and reflect and then, if you'd like, make a plan to go do it. Make time for it in your day. Schedule it, if you need to. Sometimes, (according to Charles Duhigg in his book, The Power of Habit), we have to switch around the times we do the things (old habits) in order to benefit from what we enjoy doing. e.g. reading at the gym vs setting aside time to read at night.


Write down everything you love to do and try to do one of these per day.


OR


Paint, draw or visualize yourself drawing in the green all around you, nourishing your body, cleansing away any feeling that does not need to be within you, letting yourself feel replenished.


OR


Try the 4 N's each day:
1. Do something Nice for someone
2. Nurture yourself.
3. Be in Nature
4. Do something Novel


OR
Switch around your routine so that you do what you love while you can focus on it. 
Examples?
Talk to friends only when you can really pay attention and not do something else at the same time.
Eat mindfully: smell, chew slowly, and truly savor your food.
Read when you can truly focus and not just at the gym. Better yet, grab a bunch of those trashy magazines you might love and make a time in your day solely for reading trashy magazines!


Enjoy your forests!

www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

Just 90 Seconds

Emotions are scary. Especially the negative ones. No one wants to feel them. We fear we'll feel them forever, cry forever, if we experience them. We bury our sadness, stuff our anger, crowd out our fear. And, yet, new research by neuroanatomist, Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D., suggests that it only takes 90 seconds, yes, just 1 and 1/2 minutes -- or less -- to experience the chemical process running through our body.


Taylor calls it "The 90 Second Rule."


Say you're feeling anxious about an upcoming review at work or a school paper. Rather than focusing on the story of the anxiety, focus instead on the feeling. You can focus on body sensations, or just the sense of being anxious. You can time yourself, have someone time you, or just estimate the time. Breathe deeply. 

Keep focusing on the feeling, accepting it all. If your mind wanders, bring it back to focusing on the feeling. The feeling might initially increase. Then, it fades. That is, unless you're replaying the story or narrative around the event. But, why would you want to strengthen the neural pathways in your brain which create unhappiness when you can experience relief?

Most people, in under 90 seconds, experience relief and openness; no need to feel scared of the big, "bad" feelings anymore.

It's empowering!

Coping with Want

With Summer almost here, I’ve received an endless supply of delights: emails about fabulous places to travel, catalogues in the mail from Pottery Barn, Restoration Hardware, and Sounds True meditation materials. 

Paging through Pottery Barn’s lovely catalogue, I’ve already found the perfect organic, cotton, bright-colored towels, a gorgeous spread for the guest room since I love to create a welcoming space for people (and this feels nurturing to me), and a new sink that I don’t need: bright and cheerfully white and silver. As I continue to look, I feel swept away by a room brightened by new bright, colorful decor that I don't need but want.  *Sigh.*

How many of us have not experienced wanting something we don't need? In a sea of endless options, it’s easy to get plagued by the waves of want. Money or "stuff" is often a conduit for feelings. Often, the more we want, the more we buy, and the more we buy, the less we feel satiated, perhaps because what we want is not what we're buying! So, how do we cope with this want, bear it, or even understand it?

Meditation helps. Mindfulness (either in formal meditation practice or informal observation of the Self), encourages acceptance of all feelings and experiences, and widens the lens between the emotional self and the observer self, as well as between feelings and actions.

 

Take a moment now and think about the last time you craved something. Really craved it.  That piece of chocolate cake, that extra drink, the shoes you must have… was there something else you were needing, such as connection, comfort, security, or joy? 

Was there a feeling you wanted to maintain or enhance? (Even positive emotions can feel overly stimulating sometimes, and can lead us to engaging in buying things we may not need in order to cope with strong feelings). Or, perhaps it livens up a deadened, numb, or bored feeling. A need for feeling may drive a need for action. But, what action? Was there another action or need we are trying to fill (or feel, as I almost wrote, instead of fill)?

Try this: If you find yourself wanting something that you don’t actually need, ask yourself:

1. What am I noticing as I look at this object/experience?
2. How do I feel?

Examples of negative emotions: frustrated, angry, boredom, disappointed, lonely, sad, rejected, anxious, nervous, disturbed, detached, disconnected, low.

Examples of positive emotions: Happy, exhilarated, joyful, delighted, calm, content, or, centered.

3. Am I experiencing any memories or associations with this object/experience? If so, what are they? 
4. Visualize happy memories (your brain releases oxytocin and/or vasopressin when imagining connectedness with others which increases calm and decreases stress).
5. Write about negative associations with your objects of choice (which helps break the feelings down into manageable chunks and release them).
6. Notice any needs you are experiencing. Are you truly hungry? Are you thirsty? Do you feel lonely?
7.  Are you trying to brighten or enhance a particular mood? Are you reminded of the past in a positive way?
8. Can you evoke these feelings in other ways, (writing, painting, walking, talking to a friend), etc. or approximate your desires in other ways?

You can increase your mindfulness of the experience by labeling it as an object/experience of comfort, joy, connection, etc. This creates greater integration in your mind, and greater likelihood that you’ll be choosing activities which increase your fulfillment and delight in life.  :)
 

  

Growing from Joy, Healing with Joy

February 20, 2011

So often, I hear people talk about the struggles they experience, and how they’ve grown from the pain in their lives. It’s true, but the sentiment is often that it takes pain to grow.

What’s not often talked about is how we grow from joy, from being in connection, how we heal and grow stronger from the joyous moments in our lives. These moments might be in the form of comfort: the savoring of a warm cup of hot chocolate on a cool night, or the texture of flannel sheets, sharing a smile with a stranger on the street. Or, it might be in the form of connection: laughing with friends, holding hands with someone you care about, or the feeling of a hug from someone you love. Think now. Feel it. Let the experience of love linger in your mind and heart. How does it feel to be loved? This is how we grow from joy, how healing happens. 

 

Recently, I attended two separate seminars, each on the same subject, led by two different speakers. The first spoke of trauma, how we are all broken because any disconnection causes brain trauma, and how (thank God) our minds can mend, but even with years of “attaching” as she termed it, we still sift through our hearts and find the broken edges, the places where parenting or connections have gone wrong. I looked around the room; people were having difficulty keeping their eyes open. Exhaustion often occurs when we feel overwhelmed. No one made eye contact. Many people looked blank. This is an understandable reaction when we’re told that we are infinitely broken. And, though these are not my beliefs, I was affected. I left that seminar feeling disconnected from myself and others, deeply saddened and exhausted.

The second seminar was led by a researcher and doctor. He talked of the joy of holding his children when they were babies, watching them grow; he spoke of his passion for mental health and educational reform, a society focused on healing and connection. He smiled as he counted the blessings he’d experienced, he laughed with us, easily making jokes about himself in the world, his own foibles; he told stories of how he’d learned to parent – not being perfect, but always striving to understand, to grow. He thanked all the past researchers who’d led him to create a path of clarity in the field of mental health. He thanked us, all therapists in the room, for creating the experiences he wrote about. He talked about how we all build on each other’s ideas. How we’re all more connected than not, and how everyone matters. 

 

I felt exhilarated. I left glowing, as though I’d just returned from an hour of yoga or a perfect workout. He held the potential and the beauty of human nature in his words, and I felt that. I looked around the room. Everyone was beaming. 

 

When I think of the second seminar, other happy moments come to mind, and I feel a flood of warm, happy feelings. Even now as I type this, I’m smiling, my face is relaxed, no hint of tension in my jaw or shoulders. I’m breathing easily, feeling the warmth in my body of this memory. I remember it as though I’m living it now. Notice what you're feeling as you read this. How is your breathing? Is it easy and relaxed? How is it different from how you felt when you were reading about the first seminar? Moment-to-moment awareness of positive feelings allows the positive experience to bloom, to be savored. (Those of you who work with me, know that this is a mini-experience of how it feels to be in session together, focusing on moment-to-moment awareness and connection).

We all share emotions (through our mirror neurons); though we might not realize it, and our minds create imprints of these interactions. Our inner relationships (memories of relationships) are as vivid as our present interactions. And, we connect one memory to others of their kind. In a sense, thoughts of a feather flock together. ;) So, when we hurt over something, it reminds us of other times we’ve felt pain, (and the brain actually lights up for emotional pain on MRI’s in the area where physical pain is expressed), and when we feel joy, it reminds us of other happy moments, and it strengthens us. It makes it possible for us to imagine other moments of joy, connection, comfort, and clarity. 

 

This is why it’s so important to seek out empowering relationships where we feel valued and heard. Our relationships – held in mind or in person – inform how we see ourselves, others, and the world. And, when you feel good in one moment, you’re more likely to seek out other connections like the one you’re experiencing in your mind. 

 

Recent neuroscience research supports this. It shows that our brains actually create new neural pathways in response to our experiences. Experiences change the way our neurons fire and rewire in our minds. If these experiences are positive, new neural pathways form that increase our sense of health (viewed as integration), happiness, and connectedness to ourselves and others. 

 

In other words, the more we have positive experiences in our lives, the more the neurons responding to these experiences, wire together. And, the more they wire together, the easier it is to experience more pleasure because the synaptic connections in the brain are strengthened. It’s circular. Depression works in an opposite way; we focus more on the negative because we feel bad. The keys are self-compassion and a pairing together of sad feelings with exercises like the one below (which create new neural wiring patterns). Mindful attention to our emotions – both hard and pleasurable – enables us to move past difficult experiences, and to be open to positive ones. This could be called healing from pain by growing from joy! A true course of resiliency.

In fact, sharing difficult experiences with caring people actually changes the way we perceive those negative experiences; memories become less negative over time because they are paired with neural connections that are infused with being heard and cared about in a responsive connection. Over time, “pruning” of neural connections that are infused with negative experiences wither away. New neural connections are created that diffuse our perceptions of negative experiences. Pretty cool, huh?

This is why it’s so important to feel a sense of connection with the people around you, and why therapy that focuses on mindful awareness with a person you feel connected to creates transformation. 

 

Good therapy, like any positive relationship, creates increased clarity, self-awareness, self-esteem, a desire to create more relationships like the one you have, and an increased sense of zest for life. This is based on Relational-Cultural Theory’s perspective of the 5 Good Things in what Relational-Cultural Theory calls, a growth-fostering relationship. We all need growth-fostering relationships. Babies can die if they aren’t touched, and one of the greatest forms of suffering is isolation. 

 

Every moment in positive connection is a healing moment. We human beings are hardwired for connection. Our minds (not just our selves) are social. The female scholars who created Relational-Cultural Theory knew that and, neuroscience supports this view. Without others, we wither. And, with others, we are more fully ourselves: vibrant, connected, loved, and joyful.

Suggested exercise: Think of a time when you felt fully connected to another being. It could be to a friend, an acquaintance, a partner, a parent, a teacher, an animal, particularly someone who reminded you of your inherent worth. Feel the connection. Pick someone who is still in your life in a positive way, if possible. While it isn't possible to show space on this page, the following exercise is meant for you to go at your own pace, and the questions are merely guides.

Bring to mind all the qualities of an interaction or experience you had with someone you love.
What was the day like?... Was it sunny, warm, or cool? ... Could you feel the air touching your hair or skin?... Can you feel it now?...Where were you? ... How did your body feel? What do you notice right now as you're sensing this moment?... How is your breathing?... Sense your connection with the other being/person... Bring to mind the feeling of touch (in body or heart)... Notice how you feel in your body as you connect your interior experience to the feeling of being with this loved other... Notice your breathing... is it slow and deep? What is the nature of your breath? ... How was this other person/being responding? ... Feel the sense of that! ... Notice your body now. Does the temperature in your body change? Does your body soften? Notice areas of warmth and coolness, heaviness and lightness. Notice the feeling of warmth, if there is one, spreading with the breath, with each exhale, moving through your body.

***

How does this experience change your mood, your thoughts? Does focusing on your breath or body sensations enhance your awareness of the experience? You can invoke pleasure any time you want simply by visualizing connection.

Our minds don’t know the difference between what is visualized and what is actually being experienced (neurologist, Antonio Damasio describes this phenomenon as “movies-in-the-brain” in his book, The Feeling of What Happens,). 

So, when you imagine the joy of connection, your body physically changes. Your feelings about yourself change because the neurotransmitter, oxytocin is being released from the hypothalamus, which reduces anxiety and increases love, relaxation, and connection. Every time you visualize connection, you strengthen your brain. Neurons in your brain are firing and rewiring, becoming stronger through one simple exercise. And, the more you do this, the more you strengthen who you are. You can use this exercise any time you have a hard moment. Talk about a strategy towards greater resiliency...

Who says you can’t grow and heal through joy?

If you want to read more about this, two great books about this are:

1. Mindsight, by Dr. Daniel Siegel. http://www.amazon.com/Mindsight-New-Science-Personal-Transformation/dp/0553386395/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1298184644&sr=8-1

2. How Connections Heal: Stories from Relational-Cultural Theory, edited by Maureen Walker and Wendy B. Rosen   http://www.amazon.com/How-Connections-Heal-Stories-Relational-Cultural/dp/1593850328/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1299502068&sr=8-1



Heather Schwartz, Psy.D.
Licensed Psychologist 
2325 E Burnside, Suite 202
Portland, OR 97214
(503) 680-7333
www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com