Authenticity and Loneliness

A night of talking that hurts,

My worst held-back secrets:

Everything has to do with loving and not loving.

~ Rumi

Most people are lonely, even if only at one point in their lives. But, if you are a person who thinks deeply or feels deeply, chances are, you’re lonely a lot. Your heart may hurt with the urge to convey -- to at least one other person -- all the beauty you see, the nuances you experience, or the wonder of meaning that keeps you up at night. It may feel as though you are constantly seeking connection with others and straddling what you experience with the urge to share it. 

The above quote, then, by Rumi might be both a hope and a fear for you. It implies another person there to share all the private thoughts you have, to be held in the gaze and understanding of at least one other person who really “gets it.” 

So much of what I hear as a psychotherapist is the wish and the fear of sharing deeper thoughts and feelings with others, and the behavior of either talking about this or talking on a superficial level to avoid the wish. And, within this hope/fear duality is the feeling of wanting to be known, understood, and accepted at the deepest level possible, to be loved exactly for who you are, even if you don’t have all the answers, even if you’re not perfect. 

The truth in being a psychotherapist is that I’m privy to other people’s deepest hopes and dreams, losses and fears. People come to me, pay me, in part to say what they feel they can't say to the people closest to them, and, I often have the wish to bring everyone together (though I won’t), just to be able to say, “See? You’re not alone. See? We are all in this together.”

When I sat down to write, I had intended to write about the two most common things people talk about in therapy, those forbidden topics that spur intense shame: money and loneliness.

And, then I realized that both subjects have a lot in common. 

When people talk about money, having enough, not having enough, saving or not saving, I also hear their questions within that: “Am I safe? Who, if anyone, can I depend on? Will I have enough? What’s enough? What am I sacrificing to have this? Can I have meaning in my job and make a good income? Ultimately: Can I be myself and be okay?”

And, these questions are the same as the ones in relationships. Questions like: “If I say x to you, will you be angry? Will you be able to hear me? If I stop taking care of you in the way you’ve become accustomed, will you stop loving me? Will you get mad if I get crabby? Am I safe? Can I trust you? Will you still love me, even when I’m not happy? When you get depressed/anxious, etc, how should I act? Is it okay to need more than you can give? Will you be angry? Will you leave? Can I depend on you?” Can you love me for who I am, even when I don’t do or act as you want? Can I be who I am and be loved?"

These are painful questions that cause people to walk on eggshells in relationships (friendships, etc), and ironically, prevent you from being known even more deeply. The fear of what people will think, the knowledge of someone truly not being on the same wavelength, or the fear of someone leaving you because of what you think or feel can prevent actually being known. And, it increases loneliness.

And, this is even when things are going well! Add to this when you change differently from your partner/friend/family member, or something happens that feels impossible to tell others. Or, your partner/family member is depressed or using or stressed out by work, and connecting on a deep level becomes even more difficult. The usual feeling of a gap becomes huge loneliness!

There is no easy solution to this, so I won't give you how to's or suggestions. Working on being yourself, truly for who you are, is a moment-to-moment process, even when sharing small moments of feeling, rather than big subjects that you know will cause a gulf between you and others. Perhaps it's helpful to start sharing small stuff with people you trust, even if if means saying "okay" instead of "good," when people ask how you are, and you're less than good. Or, taking risks to deepen relationships that skate towards superficial, might help. But, I won't pretend to you that it's easy. It's not.

Just knowing this can help, I hope, and it's from this point of honesty, that I hope you will know that you're not alone.