It's hard not to lump together all the things that are going wrong
when one part of your life is hard.
Suddenly, the thing that's most absent -- friends, a partner,
a great work situation -- feels like the most important thing. And, the feeling that others have it better may creep into your mind and heart, closing you up, blocking you from both noticing the good in your life, and finding new opportunities. The truth is, in order to be ready for a new experience, you have to be willing and truly believe that you can do it. You have to believe you deserve the good.
One way to approach this is to see each part of your life, separately and to approach each part with compassion, gratitude, and forgiveness.
First, focus on yourself, look at yourself as a kind friend or as your pet dog/cat looks at you. See yourself through that being's eyes, with gentleness and love, compassion and forgiveness. Really take in their appreciation of you! Feel the warmth through your body.
On a side note, so often, I hear compassion viewed as self-pity. The difference
is whether you're being gentle with yourself or hard on yourself or
others (so and so has it better -- that's self-pity; I deserve
for things to get easier -- that's self-compassion).
Second, focus on what you're grateful for in your life as a whole.
Make it simple. List it off in your head, or use the microphone on your iPhone so you can save it and listen to again, especially if you say your partner. Play it for her/him. Write it down: 3 things per day. I list them off mentally while driving, stopped at lights. And, then I enhance the feeling by thinking of all the ways each thing I'm grateful for lifts my heart.
Now, lastly, take a moment and bring to your awareness what's missing.
Is there any part of your life that offers a piece of what's missing? (e.g. a part of your job that's okay, or something you receive with your friends that helps you to feel less lonely?).
Bring the love and gratitude in the first two steps to this experience, along with forgiveness: forgiveness of yourself for anything you wish you would have done differently, and, for anyone or anything who prevented this from happening.
So, instead of staying in your mind and analyzing why you don't have it, or getting down on yourself,
this step is about bringing the love and compassion you feel for
other parts of your life to this part.
While it's helpful to view your life as one whole when things are going well,
it can be helpful to separate things into sections when one part feels bad
so that you don't make the mistake of thinking/feeling that everything is bad.
It's not.
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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational psychologist who delights in working with kind and expressive people seeking inspiration, connection, and empowerment in their lives.
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