Afraid of the Deep

(photo by John Petrak, 1999)

Sarah paused and looked at me with definite discomfort. Her face had the taut look of anxiety, and, no wonder; we were talking about whether she could stay in her relationship with the way things had been going. As I asked her to slow down and take a deep breath, she paused and suddenly became aware of how hard it was to breathe. 

Taking a deep breath while feeling grief is one of the hardest things to do.

Take a moment now, and notice how you’re breathing. Is it high up in your chest or deep in your stomach? If you try right now, what gets in the way?

So many of the people I talk with tell me that breathing deeply is hard, scary. There’s a fear that if you take in a deep breath, you won’t be able to handle all the feelings. The depth of feeling. And, there’s a fear – especially for women – of taking up too much space, even in themselves. As though your lungs are a space you can’t inhabit.

The thing I experience and hear over and over is that once you get over the first 3 deep breaths, it’s easier. There may be a pressure. Notice that. Allow the pressure. And, then see if you can push yourself over that. 

Often, it’s when you’re fearing what you’re feeling, or when you’re feeling hard emotions and don’t want to feel more. The fear is that more emotions will occur. 

The problem is that we’ve been taught as a culture that the solution has to come from the outside, that we are not enough as ourselves. We do things like do more, get busy, drink more coffee/caffeine to push past the feelings, rather than allow our natural ability to soothe ourselves. 

The irony is that everything you need is within you. When you breathe deeper, the anxiety fades. The sadness expresses itself and moves on, and calm begins. 

When Sarah breathed, she noticeably calmed down and it surprised her! Despite her longer-range fears about her relationship, she was able to find solace in the moment, in her body, the same body that housed fear, regret, and shame. This was the beginning of her deepened trust in herself. 

Try it.

The next time you want to drink coffee, or find yourself feeling tight in your chest or rigid in your jaw, take 3 deep breaths. 

Allow the breath all the way in. 

See if you can fully allow the feeling, noticing the way tension and softness mingle.

You’ll be amazed at how good you feel. :)

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in Portland, OR who specializes in working with warm and expressive people seeking more balance, connection, and empowerment in their lives.