Receiving Love

If my rescue dog, Marley, or Marleybear as I like to call him, could talk, he’d probably say that when life throws you scraps (say of aluminum foil or sweet potato peels), make toys or food! And, he does! Joy is now his go-to emotion.

But, that wasn't always the case.  Marleybear was discovered by a rescue group at a high kill shelter in central California, and we adopted him from a no-kill shelter in Washington state.

When I think about where Marleybear came from, it makes my heart hurt. We think he was homeless and survived on what he could find on the street. He came to us with ear infections, matted hair, not neutered. At first, he was very fearful and submissive. 

He hid under our kitchen table, was protective of his food; he wouldn’t make much eye contact, and he definitely wouldn’t roll over and show his belly or allow us to kiss him on his nose or head. 

But, that changed pretty quickly. In just 10 months time, he's become 17 lbs of mischief with a huge car salesman grin, a healthy appetite for adventure, and a joy of being close. 

He loves to play and explore! Yesterday, he discovered that he could make our table into a nap space. Today, he hopped up from a chair to stand on the dining room table because he wanted to see the rest of the world from up high, and came over to us, grinning hugely, wagging, so pleased with himself!

When I’m sitting in a chair, Marleybear is the first to leap up and snuggle, to stand on two legs and ask for pets or kisses, to kiss my chin, roll over for his belly to be scratched, or gaze into my eyes closely, with such sweetness!

That’s the thing: not only is he extraordinarily resilient, finding joy in every scrap of life, but he’s blossomed: opening himself up to love. And, what a gift to us! One of the greatest gifts you can ever give someone else is to let yourself be loved.

And, yet, it can be so hard to trust – especially when you’ve come from a hard place, a family where love or necessities weren’t given freely. This is especially true if you're a giver kind of person. It can be so hard to trust that what is being expressed is real, or not just because you’re doing something for that person.

So, instead of asking the usual Thanksgiving/Holiday question (what are you grateful for, or what are you giving), I’m asking this:

* What do you allow yourself to receive in connection with others?

* What allows you to trust?

* What factors make receiving possible?

* What is the smallest way you could imagine – like Marleybear – to open yourself to joy or to love from people (or animals) who can really offer something back? 

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland, Oregon who specializes in helping warm and expressive people feel more at home in themselves and the world.

Am I Okay? Are We Okay?

Nora looks around anxiously as her boyfriend, Mark sniffs, then tastes his coffee. She holds her breath. Does he like it? What if he doesn't? Should she offer to make more? He's very particular about his coffee and is sure taking a long time to respond! Without realizing it, she's so focused on whether he likes it or not, that she feels tense all through her body. Anxiously, she takes a sip from her own coffee without really tasting it. She can't decide what she feels or thinks as she watches his face. 

"It's fine," he says, turning to her with a face that's hard to read, trying to decide which Netflix program they should watch. As his thoughts turn toward watching, "Dracula" or "brothers & sisters," Nora watches his face for signs of happiness or displeasure. Sometimes, when he's upset, there is a crease between his eyebrow and his eye. His mouth is level, not frowning, not smiling. Sometimes, he smiles when he drinks coffee.  

Should she offer to make more coffee? The French Press is different from the Aeropress, that special espresso maker he seems to love that she can never figure out how to use.  She feels anxious. Her stomach is knotted, and she's biting her bottom lip, just like Aunt Sarah.

It's Sunday morning, an easy day, but it doesn't feel like it. She scans their kitchen with tension, wondering what else could be causing that tension in his face. "I'm sorry I haven't done the dishes yet from last night," she says softly, hoping to please him, hoping to show him that she works hard and cares about them as a couple. She keeps her voice soft, trying to be warm and interested in him while secretly feeling tense.

Without even realizing why, Mark is absentmindedly rubbing his head, feeling suddenly anxious himself. He can't figure out why. "It's fine. I haven't done them either. We can do them when we want. It's our house!" They laugh together, both feeling uneasy; Mark because of the feeling of anxiety in Nora, and Nora because of the fear of doing something wrong. She checks in again with him: "Are you sure you like the coffee?"

He raises his eyebrows. Mark is Midwestern. Though he comes from a loving background where his parents occasionally argued in front of him and his sister, there wasn't a lot of discussion of feelings. He can tell there's tension between them, but he doesn't know why, and he certainly isn't going to bring it up! His MO is to let these things pass and move on. 

Even if he didn't come from a Midwestern background, he might still pick up on the tension between them through his mirror neurons. These are neurons in our brain which mimic what people in front of us are feeling and give us the same feelings, even if we weren't experiencing them before. These neurons activate when we see a TV show, when we're watching someone express sadness, and especially when someone we love is upset. 

Nora is the daughter of a mother with Narcissism. Because Narcissists play games and never say what they really mean, Nora feels fearful when she can't tell what Mark (or others) feel. She bases a lot of her identity, and therefore, a lot of her life on whether the people in her life are okay. It's hard for her to figure out what she needs, much less ask for it. And, showing feelings is even harder, especially if she feels that the other person is upset.

As a kid, she never knew when her mother might erupt into a sea of anger and make fun of her or her sister when they were sad. Though Nora often didn't understand why, her mother often blamed her own anger on Nora or her sister. Nora learned to hide her real feelings and wants desperately to please others to prevent that from happening again. When someone doesn't show a lot of emotion, she feels scared. She studies others' faces to figure out how she should act because her focus is on other people's reactions rather than her own. Subconsciously, she's trying to prevent the hardship she experienced as a kid from happening as an adult. And, that makes sense.

What she really means when she asks whether the coffee is okay, is "Are you okay?" which means, "Are we okay?" which means, " Can I relax and move on to the next thing, or do I need to stay where I am and feel worried?" which means, "Will you leave me or attack me if I'm not okay?" Ultimately, "Am I okay?"

A lot of Nora's focus is on doing things perfectly to avoid anger or scrutiny -- especially her own judgment. Though she's good at making big decisions, she frequently finds herself asking other people about what she should do in certain situations. And, she worries all the time that other people, especially those close to her, are not happy with her. This causes a lot of anxiety and internal pressure. It also prevents people like Nora from focusing on what's actually happening, trusting that others want to be with her because of who she is rather than what she does for them, and trusting that conflict does not equal abandonment.

Adults who come from backgrounds where their parent/s are addicted or Narcissistic learn early to focus on the external world (e.g. what needs to be done; who's upset), and other people's needs, feelings and satisfaction rather than on their own internal experiences: feelings, opinions, and knowledge (e.g. what do I need in this moment?).

This is because their very safety and, often the safety of others in the family is determined by how okay someone else is. This is about survival. Unfortunately, later on, when others' survival is not the question, these same skills pervade. 

Without realizing it, Adult Children of Narcissists take these survival skills into their relationships with friends, partners, and even acquaintances, even if these new relationships are with people who are healthy or healthier than their parents. It is common to attract someone who is self-involved or who takes Adult Children's behavior for granted. 

And, it is not uncommon for these adults to feel uneasy in life all the time, worrying about whether they're doing things "right," fearing others' disapproval, holding themselves to very high standards, with little room for mistakes. Scanning the environment for signs of danger (a parent who is unhappy or drunk or making a scene), is a skill which aided them in their childhoods but which increases anxiety later. 

There are good things that come out of over-attentiveness and pleasing others: a tendency to know and understand others; a feeling of genuine compassion and kindness towards others, an ability to observe what needs to happen and to make that happen at a social gathering or event, and a capacity to create strong connections. Typically, there's a strong focus on doing things right,  working until you figure things out, and following through, which means Adult Children are usually good at their jobs, great at fitting in and hiding dissatisfaction, but may feel known only for what they do not who they are. There can be such a strong feeling of loneliness, that if people only knew who you really were, they'd run. 

And, there can be intense pressure internally to fit everything into one's schedule: all the things this person needs to do for someone else to make sure they're satisfied (not even happy, per se), and all the things the Adult Child has to do to be successful. And, it can be hard to tell: do you want to do this because you fear disapproval of the person you're with or because you love her or him? That's a pretty big difference. The first increases stress and resentment while the second creates energy.

Adult children often fear disapproval from the people they love. And, if the other person is upset, it can feel pretty uncomfortable. This may feel irrational. And, yet, if you're used to pleasing others, it can feel very natural. 

Let's go back to Nora for a second. What is she really needing? 

That would be the first question I'd pose to her. What do you need right now to know that things are okay? Can you relax, even a little bit, as you acknowledge to yourself that it's not the past, that Mark isn't your mother? What is his likely response? This is about matching up response with context. So often, the present gets confused with the past in our minds when we, as people, feel triggered. 

Continuing on with Nora, the work in therapy would be about recognizing when she feels the need to please, working on tolerating the discomfort of not pleasing, all the while, being kind to herself about why she's feeling it. 

This takes time.

The building of trust happens slowly, as Adult Children learn to talk about what's real, are open about their real feelings, allow themselves to be imperfect, and discover that they don't have to go about life alone.
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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with warm and expressive adults who want to feel more at home in themselves and the world. 


Keywords: ACOA, Narcissism, childhood, parent, pleasing, codependency, healing, relationships. 

Autumn: The Gift of Loss

It's autumn again. How did this happen? My acupuncturist says this is the time of loss, of constriction, so if you're feeling a bit sad, that's normal. Have you been feeling a bit down? It's the time when we lose precious vitamin D here in the Northwest, and when we start curling up with a good book instead of being outside, and when night begins by 6. It's dark. 

Longing for the light won't bring it back.

But, if you can allow yourself to settle into what's cozy in your life, or meaningful, it helps.

What if losing something isn't a loss but a gain, if we just look at it right? Like the chance to get cozy, especially if we have enough warmth in our lives in other ways. Then, goodbye isn't empty or loss but the next step of something wonderful to come. It's surrendering. 

What have you been longing to surrender that has felt like loss? 
Who would you be if you let go? 
What gifts can come of this?

In contrast, what are the ways you experience the feeling of coziness in your life? Of love?

Isn't it amazing how a season can bring up such strong emotion? 

Here is a poem by Mary Oliver that speaks of preparing for that great change in seasons, of fall as a willingness to release -- like a gift -- what has been long held. How lovely! Enjoy.

Song for Autumn by Mary Oliver

In the deep fall
don’t you imagine the leaves think how
comfortable it will be to touch
the earth instead of the
nothingness of air and the endless
freshets of wind? And don’t you think
the trees themselves, especially those with mossy,
warm caves, begin to think

of the birds that will come — six, a dozen — to sleep
inside their bodies? And don’t you hear
the goldenrod whispering goodbye,
the everlasting being crowned with the first
tuffets of snow? The pond
vanishes, and the white field over which
the fox runs so quickly brings out
its blue shadows. And the wind pumps its
bellows. And at evening especially,
the piled firewood shifts a little,
longing to be on its way.

Less is More, Except When It's Not: An Insider's View From the Therapy Chair

Marianne looked up at me with relief, "I'm so happy you talk! My last therapist never said anything, and I could never tell what she was feeling." Such is the response of an extroverted client with an extroverted therapist! 

On the other hand, I also hear things like, "I'm so relieved that you understand why I think better when not making as much eye contact." Or, "I'm glad you understand why I need time to think about what I feel after we've talked for a bit."

As an extroverted therapist with an introverted partner, I am well aware of my way of being in the world. From an introvert's perspective, I talk A LOT. From an extrovert's perspective, I talk a normal amount! ;) 

This is because I think by talking. That's right, introverts! I think while talking and through our conversation, I learn a lot about what I think.  In therapy, I often will think through what I'm going to say. But, what I often do is play through the possibilities in what might be best to say based on what's happening for my client. Privately. This takes work!

But, for an introverted therapist, it's easy to do this! I'm so jealous! Well, impressed!

Introverts, in a world that's predominately extroverted, often feel overwhelmed by the amount of talking, visual stimulation, and processing. That's part of why it's necessary to retract, read, be in nature, or stare at the computer/tv for a while, to lessen the impact of everything being taken in too fast.

I've seen that "special stare" on my partner's face after I've been talking with enthusiasm, and my partner has taken in all that's possible in that moment. You introverts out there know what I mean! And, it's essential to tell people that you need down time to think about what's been said!

On the flip side, however, for extroverts who see introverted therapists, they may feel that their therapist doesn't respond strong enough or with enough words. They may feel lonely. They may feel a lack of warmth or a feeling that they're "too much." Meanwhile, their therapist might be feeling or thinking a lot, but on the inside! This is a common but never talked about issue.

I'm not sure why. 

It could be because we have a history of Freudian therapy wher the "patient" was expected to do all the talking. Or, maybe it's because the public doesn't know what to expect from a therapist, and, my guess is it's because most therapists are introverts. If you know the Myers-Briggs, most therapists are either INFPs or INFJ's, which, coincidentally, are minorities in the world. 

Most people are extroverts and being an NF (which I am, but an extroverted one), is a special category of a person who thinks and feels deeply, and analyzes this. It's great as a therapist!

When I'm with extroverted clients, we talk back and forth quickly. There's a lot of energy in the room! This is lively, though sometimes, I'm aware that we might miss some of that lovely slowness and awareness that gets generated by introverts who get energy from being alone and are often good at patience and examining layers of being.

When I'm with introverted clients, I actively slow myself down and get in touch with these layers. I try to use fewer words and often limit the amount of eye contact or turn my chair to allow for more physical space between me and my clients. When the person I'm working with is deep-feeling, we might exchange more through eye contact rather than words and there is so much depth! I love this.

I learn a lot from my clients, and examining these wonderful differences is one thing.

As a therapist, I encourage everyone out there to consider these differences and talk about them, especially if you feel you need MORE (talking or emotion or action) or   LESS    stimulation in therapy and in life. ;)

P.S. Marianne is made-up, but is based on real answers I've received from extroverted clients.

P.P.S. If an introverted therapist wrote this, there would be fewer exclamation marks, and, it would be 3 sentences long! ;)

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with people seeking greater inspiration, connection, and empowerment in their lives.

5 Steps Towards Greater Success

1. Think of something you want to create in your life. A success that you're moving toward.

2. Now, take a moment and think about one experience where you worked hard and were successful. Remember the feelings of elation and relief? How were you sitting or standing? Who were you talking to? Take a moment and take that posture. Feel the emotions coursing through you! Allow the energy to course through your arms and legs. Smile broadly. Allow yourself to fully experience all the feelings.

Remember how you thought you couldn't achieve it, and you did? Allow yourself to experience the memory: both the anxiety you felt that you wouldn't get it, and then the triumph!

3. Allow yourself to really soak up all the feelings

4. Think of two more instances when you got the very thing you were hoping for.

5. Now, go back to what you're hoping for. Allow the feelings of prior successes to flow through you and join with the wished-for success! :)

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This exercise is based on the (new age-y) book, Creating Money, by Sanaya Roman and Duane Packer, however, it's also supported by neuroscience. Our brains don't know the difference between what we see in front of us or in our minds (Antonio Damasio's research supports this).

When we recreate these positive experiences, we remind our minds (and bodies) that success is imminent, and the neural pathways in our minds that support these good outcomes are strengthened.

Which memories do you want to strengthen for your future?

P.S. I highly recommend this book for changing your experience of yourself in the world.

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in private practice in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with warm and expressive people seeking greater connection, inspiration, and empowerment in their lives.

Add More Chocolate. Wait -- Don't!

Maria looked down and thought about bed. It was 6:30 p.m. She felt worse than usual. Derek was out of town for work, and he'd been gone since morning. Whenever he left, she felt depleted. Bored, blank, kind of down. No energy to do the usual things she loved to do, (watch a movie or go out with friends) or even had to do (like housework). It was her day off, and yet, she felt worse than a day at work with Derek gone.

She felt bad; wasn't she enough without him? Was this the image she had of a woman alone? And, yet, this was the truth. All day, she'd been ignoring this, trying to keep busy, trying to make the hours pass, eating more than usual (the chocolate ice cream in the freezer was nearly gone!), and nothing helped.

She could honestly say -- from lots of therapy -- that her sadness/emptiness was based on so many lone summers when friends went to camp, or the fact that her parents were often gone and she was left to take care of herself. Food was a sole comfort.

Yet, insight alone was not enough to stop the hurt. This was, in part, because she felt she should know better, be better.

But, as she stopped, paused, and reflected, rather than racing around or napping, she came to the realization there was nothing that could fill that space of loneliness. It wasn't that she didn't still miss Derek, but calling friends, cleaning, and eating chocolate ice cream to fill his absence were preventing her from knowing what she needed.

And, when she stopped, the empty feeling inside her relaxed. She realized that nothing could fill the space. Not even chocolate! She allowed this feeling of awareness to expand inside of her, and relaxed deeper.

As she owned the lonely/feeling left feeling, Maria was amazed by the lightness she felt in her chest. The exhaustion eased. She felt strangely peaceful. She looked around. The bad feelings she'd been avoiding were less intense, and a new feeling of acceptance spread through her like warmth. Being in the moment rather than fighting the moment gave her a different experience of herself -- even more so than the insight that this experience was different from childhood. 

When we pause and accept the moments we are trying to ignore (or make better with chocolate, coffee, alcohol), something else happens. It's like a certain kind of courage takes over, and an ability to see what's beyond the loneliness.

Like feeling alive.

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with warm and expressive people seeking full self wellness.

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

The Fuzzy In-Between Feeling of I-Don't-Know

Sarah described the feeling as she sat before me. "I'm not sure I'm into dating her, but I'm not sure I'm not." She sat, looking puzzled. It's not for any particular reason I can pinpoint; it's just a feeling."

For those of us who use our intuition to determine our path, this fuzzy feeling can be really frustrating, not to mention confusing!

Eugene Gendlin, founder of Focusing, called this the "felt-sense," a feeling that is sensed but not known fully in words. It's experienced in your body. 

How many times have you thought to yourself that the answer to a problem was not yes, and not no, but also not maybe? That maybe was leaning too far toward yes? 

Have you ever had the experience where the answer inside you was this in between place, and then it changed more clearly the more you sat with it? That it became more clearly yes or no? It's kind of like not liking a book at a certain point in your life and then, at a later point in your life, the book becomes more relevant or understandable. Or, you like it more.

Do you want to try an exercise based on Focusing?

1. Take a moment to notice how you feel right now.

2. Close or lower your eyes.

3. Ask yourself, "How am I today?" 

4. Notice how this question feels in your body. Is there a response? Perhaps a pressure behind your throat or eyes or tension in your jaw. Maybe a leap or buzz in your stomach. 

5. Study the sensation without going into it. Is it heavy or light? What color is it? How does the rest of your body feel in relation to it?

6. If this feeling were an object, what would it be? 

7. Will the object allow you to remove it and imagine putting it on the floor in front of you?

8. Ask the object what it's needing.

9. Allow yourself to fulfill that. 

10. Notice how you feel now.

How is it to get to know the part of you that doesn't know? 

#Mindfulness #Focusing #Indecision #Making Decisions