Afraid of the Deep

(photo by John Petrak, 1999)

Sarah paused and looked at me with definite discomfort. Her face had the taut look of anxiety, and, no wonder; we were talking about whether she could stay in her relationship with the way things had been going. As I asked her to slow down and take a deep breath, she paused and suddenly became aware of how hard it was to breathe. 

Taking a deep breath while feeling grief is one of the hardest things to do.

Take a moment now, and notice how you’re breathing. Is it high up in your chest or deep in your stomach? If you try right now, what gets in the way?

So many of the people I talk with tell me that breathing deeply is hard, scary. There’s a fear that if you take in a deep breath, you won’t be able to handle all the feelings. The depth of feeling. And, there’s a fear – especially for women – of taking up too much space, even in themselves. As though your lungs are a space you can’t inhabit.

The thing I experience and hear over and over is that once you get over the first 3 deep breaths, it’s easier. There may be a pressure. Notice that. Allow the pressure. And, then see if you can push yourself over that. 

Often, it’s when you’re fearing what you’re feeling, or when you’re feeling hard emotions and don’t want to feel more. The fear is that more emotions will occur. 

The problem is that we’ve been taught as a culture that the solution has to come from the outside, that we are not enough as ourselves. We do things like do more, get busy, drink more coffee/caffeine to push past the feelings, rather than allow our natural ability to soothe ourselves. 

The irony is that everything you need is within you. When you breathe deeper, the anxiety fades. The sadness expresses itself and moves on, and calm begins. 

When Sarah breathed, she noticeably calmed down and it surprised her! Despite her longer-range fears about her relationship, she was able to find solace in the moment, in her body, the same body that housed fear, regret, and shame. This was the beginning of her deepened trust in herself. 

Try it.

The next time you want to drink coffee, or find yourself feeling tight in your chest or rigid in your jaw, take 3 deep breaths. 

Allow the breath all the way in. 

See if you can fully allow the feeling, noticing the way tension and softness mingle.

You’ll be amazed at how good you feel. :)

 ************************************

Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in Portland, OR who specializes in working with warm and expressive people seeking more balance, connection, and empowerment in their lives.

Guidance From Your Future Self

Back when I was a fledgling graduate student in clinical psychology, I had my first class on doing therapy. We were asked by our instructor to imagine our future selves. Though I felt very nervous about doing therapy, I saw myself in a smart suit, doing therapy in a bright windowed room, smiling (wisely, I’d hoped), and nodding with clients. I could only see the edge of the room, but I knew the desk was wood and the window was big. I imagined my future self extolling the wisdom of perseverance, feeling the pleasure of FINALLY making it.

Graduate school, especially in the doctoral programs in psychology, is a seemingly endless confluence of intellectual and emotional growth, with one goal leading to the next and no end in sight. (Just the thought of listing them here makes me sweat!). So much of the ongoing classes, dissertation, required therapy, applications to get into unpaid internships, being appraised by future and current supervisors and peers can bring up deep insecurities about yourself as a person, as well as as your ability, and whether this ongoing process actually leads to success.

The thing about becoming a psychologist that no one in the field tells you is that if you stop along the way, your skills don’t translate to other careers, including masters-level counseling! The classes are different. So, if you stop, you’re stuck. 

But, amping up can feel exhausting (working at paying jobs while in school while interning at unpaid internships for years just to earn the privilege of accrued hours and a chance to take a national exam of 9 subject areas as well as a state exam). Yeah. Not fun. You have to really want it!

And, whenever I had hard moments where I thought of giving up, I’d think of my future self, almost like a helpful friend, gently encouraging me along. I could see my suit and imagine a great appreciation in having made it!

From these visualizations, I began to see the end goal: the privilege of feeling whole. 

The office I have now is not so different from the one I imagined 15 years ago. It has huge windows. The wooden desk faces the window rather than away from it, and I wear casual rather than formal clothes. And, though the person I’ve become has been shaped by that guided visualization, my true therapist self has emerged even more deeply comfortable and whole than the person I imagined. But, if it hadn’t been for that image of myself guiding me years ago, I doubt I’d be as comfortable as I am now, with a private practice built of invisible years of struggle and visible years of success.

*****

Where are you struggling?

If you were to imagine your future self, what would s/he look like and say about this time?

What would it be like to come back to this image when times are hard?

*********
Dr. Heather Schwartz is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice (Yay!) who specializes in working with kind and expressive people seeking greater authenticity, connection, and empowerment in their lives.

Authenticity and Loneliness

A night of talking that hurts,

My worst held-back secrets:

Everything has to do with loving and not loving.

~ Rumi

Most people are lonely, even if only at one point in their lives. But, if you are a person who thinks deeply or feels deeply, chances are, you’re lonely a lot. Your heart may hurt with the urge to convey -- to at least one other person -- all the beauty you see, the nuances you experience, or the wonder of meaning that keeps you up at night. It may feel as though you are constantly seeking connection with others and straddling what you experience with the urge to share it. 

The above quote, then, by Rumi might be both a hope and a fear for you. It implies another person there to share all the private thoughts you have, to be held in the gaze and understanding of at least one other person who really “gets it.” 

So much of what I hear as a psychotherapist is the wish and the fear of sharing deeper thoughts and feelings with others, and the behavior of either talking about this or talking on a superficial level to avoid the wish. And, within this hope/fear duality is the feeling of wanting to be known, understood, and accepted at the deepest level possible, to be loved exactly for who you are, even if you don’t have all the answers, even if you’re not perfect. 

The truth in being a psychotherapist is that I’m privy to other people’s deepest hopes and dreams, losses and fears. People come to me, pay me, in part to say what they feel they can't say to the people closest to them, and, I often have the wish to bring everyone together (though I won’t), just to be able to say, “See? You’re not alone. See? We are all in this together.”

When I sat down to write, I had intended to write about the two most common things people talk about in therapy, those forbidden topics that spur intense shame: money and loneliness.

And, then I realized that both subjects have a lot in common. 

When people talk about money, having enough, not having enough, saving or not saving, I also hear their questions within that: “Am I safe? Who, if anyone, can I depend on? Will I have enough? What’s enough? What am I sacrificing to have this? Can I have meaning in my job and make a good income? Ultimately: Can I be myself and be okay?”

And, these questions are the same as the ones in relationships. Questions like: “If I say x to you, will you be angry? Will you be able to hear me? If I stop taking care of you in the way you’ve become accustomed, will you stop loving me? Will you get mad if I get crabby? Am I safe? Can I trust you? Will you still love me, even when I’m not happy? When you get depressed/anxious, etc, how should I act? Is it okay to need more than you can give? Will you be angry? Will you leave? Can I depend on you?” Can you love me for who I am, even when I don’t do or act as you want? Can I be who I am and be loved?"

These are painful questions that cause people to walk on eggshells in relationships (friendships, etc), and ironically, prevent you from being known even more deeply. The fear of what people will think, the knowledge of someone truly not being on the same wavelength, or the fear of someone leaving you because of what you think or feel can prevent actually being known. And, it increases loneliness.

And, this is even when things are going well! Add to this when you change differently from your partner/friend/family member, or something happens that feels impossible to tell others. Or, your partner/family member is depressed or using or stressed out by work, and connecting on a deep level becomes even more difficult. The usual feeling of a gap becomes huge loneliness!

There is no easy solution to this, so I won't give you how to's or suggestions. Working on being yourself, truly for who you are, is a moment-to-moment process, even when sharing small moments of feeling, rather than big subjects that you know will cause a gulf between you and others. Perhaps it's helpful to start sharing small stuff with people you trust, even if if means saying "okay" instead of "good," when people ask how you are, and you're less than good. Or, taking risks to deepen relationships that skate towards superficial, might help. But, I won't pretend to you that it's easy. It's not.

Just knowing this can help, I hope, and it's from this point of honesty, that I hope you will know that you're not alone.

3 Parts Heart

3 Parts Heart

It's hard not to lump together all the things that are going wrong
when one part of your life is hard.

Suddenly, the thing that's most absent -- friends, a partner,
a great work situation -- feels like the most important thing. And, the feeling that others have it better may creep into your mind and heart, closing you up, blocking you from both noticing the good in your life, and finding new opportunities. The truth is, in order to be ready for a new experience, you have to be willing and truly believe that you can do it. You have to believe you deserve the good.

One way to approach this is to see each part of your life, separately and to approach each part with compassion, gratitude, and forgiveness.

First, focus on yourself, look at yourself as a kind friend or as your pet dog/cat looks at you. See yourself through that being's eyes, with gentleness and love, compassion and forgiveness. Really take in their appreciation of you! Feel the warmth through your body.

On a side note, so often, I hear compassion viewed as self-pity. The difference
is whether you're being gentle with yourself or hard on yourself or
others (so and so has it better -- that's self-pity; I deserve
for things to get easier -- that's self-compassion).

Second, focus on what you're grateful for in your life as a whole.
Make it simple. List it off in your head, or use the microphone on your iPhone so you can save it and listen to again, especially if you say your partner. Play it for her/him. Write it down: 3 things per day. I list them off mentally while driving, stopped at lights. And, then I enhance the feeling by thinking of all the ways each thing I'm grateful for lifts my heart.

Now, lastly, take a moment and bring to your awareness what's missing.
Is there any part of your life that offers a piece of what's missing? (e.g. a part of your job that's okay, or something you receive with your friends that helps you to feel less lonely?).

Bring the love and gratitude in the first two steps to this experience, along with forgiveness: forgiveness of yourself for anything you wish you would have done differently, and, for anyone or anything who prevented this from happening.

So, instead of staying in your mind and analyzing why you don't have it, or getting down on yourself,
this step is about bringing the love and compassion you feel for
other parts of your life to this part.

While it's helpful to view your life as one whole when things are going well,
 it can be helpful to separate things into sections when one part feels bad
so that you don't make the mistake of thinking/feeling that everything is bad.

It's not.

*****************************************
Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational psychologist who delights in working with kind and expressive people seeking inspiration, connection, and empowerment in their lives.

The Changer and The Changed

Singer, songwriter, Cris Williamson created an album in the 1970's called, "The Changer and the Changed." Such is the case whenever we interact with others. We are both changer and changed, especially if we allow ourselves to be open, to be authentic and honest. We can mutually change each other, often in beautiful ways.

In order to do this, we often have to sift through the waves of different feelings and thoughts to our underlying essences and allow those to show. I like to think of changer and changed in the metaphor of beach glass. We are both the glass, turned over by the ocean, and the ocean turning over the glass, moving each. The glass, in turn becomes smoother, more beautiful.

 (Image from tearsfromthedeep.com)

When you look at your life right now, where are you the beach glass? What aspects of your life still feel sharp? Are you allowing yourself to be moved? How? What in your life feels outside your permission? How is this different?

In what ways are you the sea, with yourself and with others?

Among your friends, classmates or colleagues, with whom do you feel changer and changed?  How does this change you to know this?

************************
Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with warm and expressive people (aka deep feelers).

What Are You Thirsty For?

What experiences quench your thirst? And, by thirst, I mean anything you hope or long for.

My favorite poem is by Mary Oliver. It's not the one that talks about being good (Wild Geese), though I love that. And, if you don't know it, you can find it here:
http://www.panhala.net/archive/wild_geese.html

The poem is instead one that encapsulates the feeling of being in wonder, amazement and joy and it reminds me of a fairy tale I heard as a kid about a mother who had a fever and how her daughter ran into the dark and fearsome woods to fill a pail of deep, clean, cold water so that her mother could quench her thirst and get well. 

Do you know the one? The pail become the little dipper, and the child and her mother looked into the sky with wonder as it sparkled above them. 

Whenever I am very thirsty for water or for connection or for something I can't quite name, I think of this poem and this story.

Here is the poem:

At Blackwater Pond 

At Blackwater Pond the tossed waters have
settled
after a night of rain.
I dip my cupped hands. I drink
a long time. It tastes
like stone, leaves, fire. It falls cold
into my body, waking the bones. I hear them
deep inside me, whispering
oh what is that beautiful thing
that just happened?

***************
Isn't it beautiful? It's rare to find a poem that describes a need being met so beautifullly. The pun on leaves is also lovely: that water leaves fire. 

* What in you is vibrantly awake? * What needs tending?

* What experiences are you thirsty for? 
* Think of a poem or a song or a person who fulfills your heart. 
* How does it feel to bring this person or experience to mind?

************************
Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist who delights in working with warm and expressive people seeking greater connection, inspiration, and empowerment in their lives.

Kind Giver Cheat Sheet For Low Mood Days

Giving to yourself is as important as giving to others. Here are some suggestions on how. ;) 
 
* Hug your dog (or someone else's). 

When you send out love, actively imagine receiving their love or the universal love (what this animal would do in ideal situations). This can be done with kids and people you love --even from a distance, you can visualize it. The mind can't tell the difference between what you visualize and what you actually experience, according to neurologist, Antonio Damasio's research.  

And, congratulations! You've just increased your oxytocin (or vasopressin for men).

* Eat an orange and deeply sniff the scent; the scent of oranges is said to uplift moods.

* Drink lots of water. Replenshing increases mood.


* Sing. It can even be a favorite tune with the word or words of how you feel. Just vocalizing can help to release sadness, often held in the throat.

* Lie across an exercise ball and expand your chest. Opening your chest like this allows you to breathe more easily and to release sadness.

* Drink warm beverages or take a hot shower or bath to increase a sense of comfort and decrease loneliness. Researchers at Yale University have found a connection between physical warmth and social warmth. 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2007555/How-soaking-warm-bath-stop-feeling-lonely.html#axzz2Jm1ib7Mm