The "Radiant Yes of the Heart"

Are you feeling lonely? Wishing you had a better relationship or just one at all? 
The truth is everyone has felt this way before. Or, most everyone!

Every year, when the dreaded Valentine’s Day rolls around, I hear countless people talk about their longing for closeness, connection and love. It's so normal and yet so hard, isn't it?

What is love? 

“The words, ‘I love you,' spoken in moments of genuine appreciation, wonder, or caring arise from something perfectly pure within us – the capacity to open ourselves and say yes without reserve. Such moments of pure openheartedness bring us as close to natural perfection as we can come in this life. The warmth and radiant yes of the heart, like the sun, in bringing all things to life and nourishing all that is truly human,” psychologist, John Welwood writes in his book, Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships. 

How do we get there? The going is tough, especially when you’re reminded -- candy hearts, pretty paper cutouts and all --of love’s "perfect" tidings in every supermarket.

  To be cherished by one person whom you also love and adore above all others is the wish of most of us. It's lovely when it happens, and I have to say, as you know, if you're in one, it takes work. 

Love is a process not an outcome. It's an ongoing, deliberate and focused intention, even when you have a sweetie. And, it's always an inner experience as much as an outer expression of one. 

For many, even those with partners, Valentine's Day Month can feel exacting. What show of affection, what gift can relay the true depth of feeling? Wounds in the relationship (like those from cheating), or wounds carried from childhood can be stirred up around Valentine’s Day: of not being worthy of attention, affection, or genuine caring. Can you trust the one you love? Can you trust that you are loved? 

 And, if you’re a person who gives easily, it may be hard for you to trust and really receive from your partner – or others. This is about feeling loved as much as it is about loving someone else.

I know I’ve written about this before here, and I’m writing about it again because reciprocity, the capacity to receive as deeply as you give, is an essential part of any good relationship, romantic or platonic.  

I bring up platonic love because people underplay – in fits of despondency – the benefits that friendship, pets, kids, work and therapy connections, and positive family interactions create. Nourishing connections – even a smile exchanged by strangers, holding a door open, letting someone into traffic, hugging, all of these – increase our oxytocin and allow us to experience hints of joy, moments of belonging, like the warmth of sunlight on our faces. And, it's in our gratitude of each of these that we let a little more love in. Softening to it all, we make room for ourselves to feel loved.

Allowing others in gives us a sense of belonging, which is a form of love. As well-known researcher, Dr. Brene Brown notes, fitting in is not drawing attention to yourself, while belonging is being known and loved for who you are.

Take a moment now. Who knows and cares deeply about your well-being? Who lets you in? Who are you most yourself with? These are questions to remind yourself of. It takes courage and willingness to let yourself be seen.



Are you willing?


The benefits of love in any form are longstanding! Feeling love helps you to open yourself up more and create more relationships like this one.  

“To say yes without reserve… the warmth and radiant yes of the heart, like the sun, in bringing all things to life and nourshing all that is truly human,” John Welwood writes. Wow. I couldn’t say it any better, could you? 
****************************
Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in helping kind, self-reflective people speak from their hearts and feel more at home in themselves and the world.