Where's Your Home? Emotionally.

Where’s Your Home? (Or, Feeling Trust in Relationships After Growing Up Without a Role Model of What Good and Safe Feels Like)

There is a physical sense of home; you know, like where you’re from, whether you live in a house, condo, apartment, trailer, etc, who lives with you, and what décor you have, and then there is an emotional sense of home, where you live emotionally, how much you trust, and how vulnerable you are. That’s the home I’m talking about in this article.

If you grew up in a household of emotional absence (where people were physically present but not emotionally available -- because of drugs, alcohol or depression, for example --), or if you grew up in chaos (someone or you being abused in some way, including emotionally), then what HOME feels like is based on these representations.

Home is then based on feeling amped up or bereft. And, because of this, there may be a wall between you and your loved ones. They may know you love them based on what you do for them. Or, you might be attracted to people who can’t really see your vulnerability. You know the types, those too self-absorbed or too addicted to really focus on you. And, that can be pretty lonely. You may use caffeine or alcohol to feel more alive and together when you can’t depend on others.

It takes a lot to feel a sense of home between you and others if you come from a dysfunctional family. Vulnerability, when you’ve come from an absence of feeling or abuse, can feel like weakness. So, a common way of dealing with this is to locate home outside yourself by constantly checking with others/receiving reassurance to make sure you’re alright, that you’re in line with “normal.” Or, you might be the type of person who is locates home only within yourself, being overly independent and competent and not depending on anyone, though you may encourage others to depend on you. In fact, that can feel strong, while actually promoting a lack of closeness. 

Being truly open about your feelings and needs (yes, you have them!), and trusting yourself that you’re okay, when you come from a family where anything you needed was too much, or you were told that you weren’t enough, is a challenge. It’s scary. And, yet, that’s what’s needed in a healthy and balanced relationship. 

But, if you want to increase the comfort in your emotional home, that’s what’s needed.

Where to start:

Begin by acknowledging whether it’s hard to ask for what you need.

If it is, ask yourself: when do I notice that I’m needing something? Is it at the last minute when you’re about to have a meltdown? Are there some things you can ask for (like to get food when you’re hungry) but not other things (like a hug when you’re feeling disconnected?).

If you find that you easily ask but don’t feel sated or that you’re truly okay, begin to notice when you can trust and count on your own perspective.

Give yourself permission to be imperfect at this. People who grow up in unhealthy homes often have very unrealistic ideas of what it means to be normal, and very high standards for themselves about never making a mistake. 

It’s going to feel unnatural to ask for what you need (and show vulnerability) if you’re not used to doing it. Therefore, practice asking for what you need from people whom you are not close to: barristas, grocery store workers, etc. to build up your ability to ask for your needs. 

Notice when you do feel connected and at home with people. 
Visualize this sense of connection while you’re alone in order to remind your mind of it (and strengthen the neural pathways in your brain that let you know that connection can be trusted).

Write about the feelings that emerge. And, if it feels right, talk with friends or a therapist. Getting support is important because changing your way of being is hard work!

Before you know it, your emotional sense of home will feel good in a way you never imagined possible!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjFaenf1T-Y 

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist who delights in working with people from dysfunctional families find hope, meaning, love, and empowerment.