Knowing What You Need

In my last blog article, I talk about knowing what your needs and feelings are in order to fulfill those instead of acting on a quick fix (after hours of stress or ignoring your needs). However, this can be difficult if you don't know how to put them into words.

So, I've created a list of needs, and also am including links to the Nonviolent Communication website, that includes very thorough lists of feelings and needs (no need to reinvent the wheel!).

Some of these needs might overlap with other needs at the same time, or they might cover an underlying need (e.g. control might be what you think you need, while safety is what you really need).

A Need For:  
Love
Belonging
Acceptance 
Connection
Comfort
Respect
Inspiration
Creativity
Harmony
Wholeness
Completion
Health/Exercise
Home
Physical well-being: food/water/shelter/bathing/sleep
Balance 
Order
Amusement
To be seen/known
Meaning
Solace
Activity
Calm
Peace
Joy
Accomplishment
For someone to be proud of you
Healing
Space/Autonomy
Learning
Adventure
Excitement 
Control
Hope
Safety

Nonviolent Communication list: https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory
http://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory

Okay, want to try something?

Choose three needs that stand out to you.
Close your eyes. 
Take a deep breath, slowly, in and out. 
Now, ask yourself, "Do I have a need for____________?" 
Notice how it feels to ask yourself what you're needing. See what arises. 
Think of one way to fulfill each need. 
See how your answers change, based on the day. :)

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a licensed psychologist in Portland, OR who delights in working with warm and expressive people seeking full-self wellness.
 

When Life Gets in the Way: The Way Back to Yourself

Kara was up all night working on a paper; the next morning, she grabs a blueberry muffin and a coffee and goes all day, forgetting to eat. She’s caught up in the busy-ness of her schedule and doesn’t realize it until she’s starving. 

By night fall, she’s exhausted, mentally and physically, and shakily hungry but instead of going home and facing more homework, she decides, on a whim to go out with friends for drinks. She stays out late. By the next morning, she’s exhausted again. She gets up and before class, works on another assignment that she put off two weeks ago because she was too exhausted to do it then.  She can’t wait for the weekend, because the week feels so long and she’s beat! She also has a headache and feels irritable. She gets in a fight with her girlfriend because her girlfriend doesn’t appreciate all she’s been doing around their apartment. She’s been trying to please everyone and she feels burnt out. She calls her mom who has always been critical. Yup: same mom! 

Afterwards, she feels worse than she did before she made the call. She doesn’t feel like she can sleep because she has so much to do, but she can’t focus either. She feels blah, frustrated, disconnected, and so tired. She doesn’t feel like texting anyone but she also feels lonely and down. How is she supposed to finish everything that needs to be done?

What does Kara need?

From the outside, it looks like she needs sleep and a good schedule. From the inside, though, Kara might need to slow down and take care some of her basic needs before moving forward, even though that’s the last thing her schedule warrants.

So many of us turn to instant gratification when we ignore our basic needs and this just makes our lives worse. We become more stressed.

We do some thing rather than the right thing. We do the thing that will momentarily, we think, make us feel better in the moment, because doing is often better than just sitting with the feeling. But, this often sets us up to feel worse later. And, the longer we wait for what we originally wanted, the more we feel pressured from the inside to insert something that’s not good for us, something familiar or easy.

The upshot?

There are going to be times when you feel too pressured by life, by what needs to be done to put your needs first. But, this doesn’t mean that you can’t do the second-best thing (like carrying healthy snacks with you).

Are you the kind of person who needs to be in pain, or starving to feel what you’re feeling?

If so, try putting yourself on a schedule, like eating every 4 hours and drink 1 glass of water an hour. See if you can notice your hunger before it takes a hold of you!

The best way to notice your needs is to create time for yourself to feel them.

When you feel irritated/frustrated or overwhelmed, stop and ask yourself, “How am I doing? What do I really need?”

Many times we insert food or caffeine, alcohol, or pleasing others where sleep, connection, and down time are really needed.

The next time you reach for that fill-in-the-blank, ask yourself, if that’s really what you want, or if there’s something deeper there. Stop. Take the time to listen to yourself.

The best way to change a habit is to interrupt it long enough to observe it. Then, you can change it.

Think now: Do you insert coffee/tea/exercise/work/alcohol/trying to please when you need to slow down, take time for yourself, be in nature, or connect?

The irony is that the more you make time for yourself and take care of your real needs, the more energy you have for yourself, your goals, and for doing what you love!

Steps:

1.       Identify the need (for food, water, sleep, downtime, connection, learning, excitement).

2.      Ask yourself, “What can I do to fill this need?”

3.      Insert something satisfying or secondarily-satisfying (eg for connection: texting friends instead of going out with them)

4.      Notice how you feel long-term. Know that this doesn't have to be perfect. You don't have to be perfect. Sometimes, accepting this fact alone can make a difference!

Chances are, you're going to feel more centered and energetic, with more time for yourself and others in your life!

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a licensed psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with warm and expressive people who want to experience more inspiration, empowerment, and connection in their lives. 

Where is Your Home?

Where is your home? 

(A Quilt - Applique & Alphabet)

When you truly imagine your home, do you think of your current house? Or, do you conjure up the smell or vision of your childhood home, where perhaps the kitchen smelled of cinnamon, doors were sticky from peanut butter and jelly sandwich fingers, and you had to wait an hour just to get into the bathroom? What do you remember? What invokes the sense of home for you?

When I worked with first year students from Wellesley College, they often described feeling homesick. And, yet, when I asked them what they truly missed, it wasn't their parent/s or their bedrooms. It wasn't their hometowns. Sure, they missed their friends and their pets, but mostly, it was the feeling of being known.

Friendships were already established, and family relationships, no matter how difficult, were understood. They didn't have to try so hard. 

Other students from different countries talked about missing the type of trees or the scent in the air, but when I asked them where home was, they talked about feeling it when they spoke to other students from their countries who used similar gestures, expressions, and intonations.

This got me thinking: home isn't a physical location. 

Home is the place between people who are connecting.
Home is the feeling you get when you feel understood. 

And, that reminded me of one of my favorite poems that I want to share with you:

When Someone Deeply Listens to You

When someone deeply listens to you
it is like holding out a dented cup
you've had since childhood
and watching it full up with
cold, fresh water.
When it balances on the top of the brim,
you are understood.
When it overflows and touches your skin,
you are loved.

When someone deeply listens to you
the room where you stay
starts a new life
and the place where you wrote your first poem
begins to glow in your mind's eye.
It is as if gold has been discovered!

When someone deeply listens to you
your bare feet are on the earth
and a beloved land that seemed distant
is now at home within you.

Isn't it true? The more loved you feel, the more at home in yourself and in the world you are. 

Who creates your home?

 (Photo by Jan Ruby)

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist who delights in working with kind and expressive people seeking inspiration, connection, and empowerment.

What is Love?

How do you know when you’re experiencing love?

 (Painting by Gaia Orion)

You feel more spacious and light.

You feel more joy and delight.

You feel more openness and comfort.

There may be a warm sensation in your chest.

You may feel more ease and flow.

It’s easier to access more love when love begins.

You want good things for other people.

Love is always about win-win.

The essence is connection and freedom.

When you lead from love, what follows is love. 

Love is often defined through a romantic lens, and yet, the truth is, love is all around us all the time. Love is inside us all of the time. 

When I ask clients how they define love and experience it, they say things like, "It's comfort." Or, "It's a warm hug." Or, "It's being accepted for who I am." Or, "It's being able to depend on someone."

What if you were to experience love as an essence, always accessible to you, within you? 

Try it.

* Bring to mind a time when you felt love. It need not be romantic. It could be with a pet, a child, a friend, or in the midst of nature. Focus on your heart. Putting your hand there can help remind you of where to bring your attention.

You might experience a warmth or tingling in your chest. Or, a spaciousness and an ability to breathe more deeply.

Take a deep breath. And, some more.

Allow yourself to relax into this feeling, fully for at least 5 minutes, breathing into the warmth and spaciousness. Allowing it to flow throughout your body. Relax into it. You deserve this.

This is love! 

This is at the core of your true nature.

When you know that love is always inside you, does this change how you view it?

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an Integrative psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with kind and expressive people who want to experience greater inspiration, joy, and connection in their lives.

* This exercise is drawn in part from the HeartMath Institute and Dr. John Welwood's work on love.

 

Six Ways to Prime Yourself for Joy

      1. Create a happiness playlist. Include your favorite, joyful songs that have no negative memories attached. Try playing this playlist for 5 days and see how you feel.

   2. Remove everything in your house associated with negative memories, relationships, or hard times. Photos, furniture, or those tax papers lying around! Put them away if you don’t want to remove them.

   3. Gather together images or quotes, like on Pinterest, that give you a sense of joy to look at. Look at them every day for a week. Keep adding to them. Make a board specifically for joy.

     4.   Get outside or near nature. We live in a beautiful world! When we stop and notice the trees, the blueness of the sky, the breeze, we give ourselves a chance to slow down, and we give our minds a break. Try walking without a plan, purpose, or destination. Allow yourself to notice at least 3 beautiful parts of nature. Recommended dose: at least 5 minutes a day.

5.  Gather a list of people who inspire you. Read their blogs – at least one – per day. Meaningful, heartfelt blogs – to me --- are the best. As human beings, we all seek meaning. I love Panache Desai, Oprah, and Openhand. Just reading their writings gives me an energetic boost of joy.

    6.  And, lastly, take note of how you feel. A huge part of feeling joy is bringing your attention to when you do feel it. Allow yourself to really savor the feelings, the sensations in your body. Whether you’re drinking a cup of tea (I’ve recently started making iced cinnamon tea), or sitting in the sun, allow yourself to really drink in the feelings of pleasure which emerge in relation to the world. 

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    Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist who delights in working with kind and expressive people seeking more inspiration, joy, and connection in their lives.