Got Clarity? You Have to See Fuzzy Before You Can See Clearly

Isn't it true that the older you get, the more responsibilities you have? There is no comparison, is there?

Taking care of the kids, pets, running from the gym to paying bills, and going to work all take precedence over going to the beach, reading at your favorite cafe, having a beer or meeting friends for lunch like you used to when you were ummm younger. It can be hard to get free time to just to think much less do something you enjoy.

That said, there are things that MUST be done, and things that can wait. Things you'd like to do, and things you'd rather not. 

Recently, I read a great article in the Harvard Business Review Blog by Bob Frisch about making better decisions by prioritizing. He has surprising advice.

First, he describes how a washing machine company decided that the water needed to be warm when hitting the detergent. Instead of deciding upon an exact temperature, the company decided that warm was hotter than cold and colder than hot. This is called, "fuzzy logic" in math. In other words, it can be helpful to make things foggier before you make them clearer. This is kind of like when you're at the Ophthalmologist and she asks: Better this way? Better that way?

How does this apply to prioritizing? Frisch suggests making to-do lists by dividing your activities into "Should Do" "Must Do" and "Nice To Do" columns.  This helps clarify and distinguish what you need, want, and must do. Then, be sure to check them off! Even when you're checking off the nice to do items, your mind will feel clearer.

Making lists leads to better health, according to experts, including author, Sonya Lyubomirsky, PhD, a psychology professor at UC Riverside who studies happiness (and wrote the book, The How of Happiness). It helps break down what feels huge and overwhelming into manageable pieces, Lyubomirsky says.

When something is incomplete, your mind holds onto it, trying to make sense of it. Offering it up to the page, and then checking it off, releases it. 

It also increases your sense of accomplishment. Recent studies have found that accomplishing a small goal first leads to greater success later. It's called "a small win" by Charles Duhigg, and is described in his new book, The Power of Habit (2012).

You might also find that what you feel is overwhelming in the moment doesn't have to be done today.

The upshot? Keeping a delineated to-do list leads to greater clarity and success.

This is empowering news to those of us whose minds are filled to the brink! 

(And, now, I'm going to go check off "write blog article and tweet it" in my Nice To-Do column! ;) ).

Additional resources for those who want additional reading:

1. " To Get Better Decisions, Get a Little Fuzzy," by Bob Frisch: http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2012/05/to_get_better_decisions_get_a.html

2. The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want, by Sonya Lyubomirsky, Ph.D. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=the+how+of+happiness

  3. The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Love and Work, Charles Duhigg, http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Habit-What-Business/dp/1400069289

4. And, for fun: To-Do List: From Buying Milk to Finding a Soul Mate, What Our Lists Reveal About Us, by Sasha Cagen: http://www.amazon.com/dp/1416534695/ref=rdr_ext_tmb

keywords: performance, motivation, inspiration, to-do lists, health, wellness, procrastination, Success, Studies, Willpower

Our Emotional Heroes

We all need heroes in our lives. I realized this yesterday as I got on the treadmill again. You see, I’ve just begun running (or, jogging, as I should say, given the speed I’m going), and it’s not easy. It is, in fact, a lot like meditating. When I’m fully immersed, there’s a clarity, a stillness, a perfect symmetry of my legs and arms, all of my body moving in synch with the world, and my mind feels very clear. This typically lasts about 2 minutes and then I'm back to trying to find my rhythm and momentum. But, it's something! ;) 

Truth be told, much of my movement is exertion right now because I'm a beginner. I guess you could say that I have beginner's body. ;) And, if I pretend that everything is fine, then I end up fighting myself all the more, kind of like pretending you’re at the beach when you’re at the dentist’s office. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself, the sound of the drill is nothing like the cry of the seagulls! 

The same is true for meditation. Try as you might to “stay calm,” the opposite becomes true. You’re fighting the thoughts instead of just allowing them to float across your mind like clouds across the sky. You’re fighting that sad feeling evoked by reading the news, and when you fight it, it grows. 

As a Vipassana meditator, much of my focus is on my sensations. So, while running, I'm focusing on the ache in my calves, the burn in my lungs, and the tingle when – at last! – I have endorphins swimming through my system like endolphins (ha ha! I’m borrowing this from that old movie, Kissing Jessica Stein). And, then as I notice all of this, the sensations and feelings evaporate. Freedom for a moment! And, then the sensations and thoughts arise again.

I wrote in my last blog article about how meditation and psychotherapy are different. In meditation, as in life, the focus is on accepting everything even if it feels unacceptable. In relational mindfulness psychotherapy, the focus is on acceptance, but also enhancement of positive states of being. In come our heroes! Didn’t you wonder when I was going to bring them in? :) 

So, the issue becomes that if we are having a hard time – in running, meditation, or life – it can be helpful to have what I call, Emotional Heroes. These are people who reflect an aspect of what’s needed in the moment to help you to be your best self.  They're people you can look up to in one way. They don't have to be perfect in every way for one of them to be an emotional hero.

They might be one person or group of people, or a music band that evoke in you the feeling you’re trying to enhance. 

For example, I listen to Green Day when running because their political agenda inspires a passionate part of me that reminds me to fight for people’s rights. Because I believe in fighting for what you believe in, I run harder. I also have my partner who used to run half-marathons as my role model and Stamina Hero for running and love. When I meditate, I think of Tara Brach, my Patience and Meditation Hero.

As a relational therapist who practices from a neuroscience bent, I work with people to use the powerful relationships in their lives to increase their sense of empowerment. Your brain can't tell the difference between what is visualized and what is enacted. So, when you visualize a mentor/hero doing something and then you visualize yourself doing it as well, your body releases chemicals that make your brain think you are actually doing the activity as the peaceful, certain, courageous, joyful person you want to be or as the jogger who runs with ease. This is why visualization is often used in peak performance/sports. 

The verdict here? When you focus on a person who inspires you, you are actively strengthening your brain and your capacity for whatever intention you are trying to actualize.

Think now:

* Who inspires you?

* Who are your heroes? 
* What intentions do you need to invoke in yourself and your life?

* Who is your Patience Hero?

* Your Stamina Hero, (the hero who helps you keep going no matter what?)

* Your Trust Hero?

* Your Courage Hero?

* Your Love Hero? 

When you need to invoke a particular way of being, try to bring your Emotional Hero to mind and respond as she or he might. 

***************************

Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in private practice in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with warm and expressive people seeking greater connection, inspiration, and empowerment in their lives.

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com 

Keywords: mindfulness, meditation, psychotherapy, inspiration, running, patience, heroes, Interpersonal Neurobiology, relationships, relational therapy, joy, coping with stress, emotions.

Why Meditation is Different From Mindfulness-Oriented Psychotherapy

Full Self Wellness: Why Meditation is Different From Mindfulness-Orien...: If you've been thinking about meditating because you want the benefits, like: * the lowered blood pressure * the greater ability to empat...

Why Meditation is Different From Mindfulness-Oriented Psychotherapy

If you've been thinking about meditating because you want the benefits, like:

* the lowered blood pressure
* the greater ability to empathize with others
* the increased sense of calm
* a greater ability to cope with stress
* a sense that you can handle life better
* a greater range of emotions, especially an increased ability to experience more joy, appreciation, and gratitude in your life

then you probably think that meditation and mindfulness-oriented therapy are the same.

But, they're not. 


The truth is that mindfulness-oriented therapy, when it's done in a relational way (where the therapist shares her reflections about her own process or the process of therapy as well as her empathy and insights, and invites the client to do the same), is profound.


You heard me. 
It's profound.


And, the reason is because when something is shared, there is a greater sense of healing. Trauma expert, Judith Herman, M.D., suggests that negative events are less negative if they're shared in community. Add an empathic person to the mix, who truly cares, and this changes everything! 

For example, a study on medical doctors found that patients with colds got better faster than before when their doctors were empathic. (See link: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19582635).

But, that's not all.

The other profound difference is that while meditation encourages meditators to treat all emotions as the same, mindfulness-oriented relational therapy aims your focus on positive emotions. 


The result?


Greater joy.


Why? 

Because as you increase your capacity to experience more joy, you prime your brain to release the neurotransmitters, GABA and Oxytocin, which in turn create new neural pathways in your brain. The more these neural pathways are traveled (by thoughts and images in therapy), the more you experience joy.

This also accounts for why it's important to be in therapy focused on your immediate experience in session rather than just passive understanding of the past, and why it's also important to discuss and experience positive as well as negative feelings in session.

See why meditation and mindfulness-oriented psychotherapy are different?

***********

Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in private practice in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with warm and expressive people seeking greater connection, inspiration, and empowerment in their lives. 

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com 

Keywords: mindfulness, meditation, psychotherapy, Interpersonal Neurobiology, relationships, relational therapy, joy, coping with stress, emotions.

Why Always Thinking on the Bright Side Has a Dark Side

Recently, an acquaintance whom I'll call, Lori, lost her mom. It was sudden, it was shocking, and she loved her very much.

But, here's the thing; Lori has always been an optimist. Or, perhaps a better way to say it, is that she's been a denialist.


A good friend of Lori's invited 3 of their closest friends to be bridesmaids in her wedding, but, she didn't invite Lori. The five of them had been close friends in college and beyond.


At the last minute, she asked Lori if Lori wanted to join the bridal party for a dinner. To me, Lori quipped, "Wow. I feel so honored to invited to dinner!" When I asked, with some hesitation, (not wanting to hurt her more), whether Lori felt hurt about not being chosen to be part of the bridal party, she looked at me dumbfounded. "It's such an honor to be included in her wedding. Why would I feel hurt?"


Lori made comments that there was no point in "dwelling in negativity." And, yet, as a psychologist, I have to say that there's a difference between dwelling (a.k.a. making a home in negativity, where you review, in great detail, every time you've been slighted) versus allowing yourself to feel hurt or angry  -- and then moving on.


A few years ago, when Lori had a breakup with her partner of 5 years, she commented "Well, out with the old and on with the new." She had been madly in love with her partner, and the breakup was definitely NOT her idea. And yet, she seemed unable or unwilling to feel the hurt/anger storm, and any mention of her ex prompted a new comment about moving on and "just going from here."


So, since her mom died suddenly, Lori has been stuck. Perplexed. Dumbfounded. She has experienced less happiness, and said recently,"This wasn't the way it was supposed to happen," even though her mom had a full life (dying in her 80's).


Nonetheless, there is nothing that can prepare you for the wash of feelings that emerges from the loss of a parent. Nothing. Those of you who have experienced this, know that.


But, because Lori has spent her life pretending that the bad is good and not acknowledging small hurtful moments, she hasn't had practice for the big stuff. She doesn't know how to process her emotions: breaking them down into smaller chunks, reaching out to others, knowing how to talk about her thoughts and feelings, and re-integrating her experience into who she is, based on past, present, and future. Her only strategy is to pretend everything is fine, convince herself that the situation is actually good, and move on.


If you know people like Lori, it's painful to watch. And, if you are someone like Lori, deep down, you know the pain.


What does work?


* Talking with friends. 
* Seeing a therapist.
* Learning to acknowledge and express your pain, anger, hurt, loss.
* Taking one small action to move through pain. 
* Acknowledging the good after you feel the hard parts.
* And, then moving on. 


And, this takes time.
But, it can be done.


And, what happens over time, is that the more you process the hard parts, the more you build, like a muscle, your ability to tolerate what feels intolerable. 


*********************
Heather Schwartz, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Portland, Oregon. She delights in working with warm and expressive people who want to experience increased inspiration at work, greater connection, and empowerment in life.

Set Your Own Bar

This may be obvious to you, but you are the one who makes the decision about whether you’re a success.

You set the bar.

But, if you grew up with narcissistic or abusive or drug/alcohol-addicted parents, or even just highly successful parents who have meant well, you may have been told what and where the bar is, and may still be trying to reach that bar rather than your own. 

There could also be a feeling you received in your family that you were never good enough. This may have left you searching for the bar outside yourself. Now, you might find that bar (that perfect way of being) in coworkers or friends, or mentors. It has a way of taking over.

There is also a fine line between accepting your success and moving forward toward more personal or professional growth. If you don’t expect much, you may feel malaise, depression, boredom, or inertia. But, if you push yourself too hard, you may be constantly striving and never arriving, never enjoying what you've created.

Whether it’s something general like being “good enough” or specific like a set amount of money, it’s still out of your control when you let someone else define it for you. This may be a matter of priority, where you put your energy.

You might also experience that the bar of success changes arbitrarily, if you have a parent who needs to be the winner/expert. And, no matter how old you are, you may still be trying to please your parents. But, do you realize that? 

Part of the issue is that people sometimes don’t realize that this is happening, because it’s been going on for so long. As people, we don’t realize we have choices, that it’s not about not being good enough, but instead about switching the focus from someone else’s priorities to our own.

Examples: 

A daughter who believes she has to make a lot of money or marry someone wealthy rather than who she loves in order to please her wealthy parents. She weighs her success against what her parents want for her rather than what she wants for herself, which is love and connection, first and foremost. However, her need to please comes before her own desires. This need to please has its place; in order to stay in connection with her parents, she makes a sacrifice on her own needs. 

A son who has pursued his love of photography but secretly wishes his parents, who want him to be a doctor, could be proud of him, and each phone call home is a reminder of the difference in values and his wish to be accepted for who he is. Even though he is living his dream, until he realizes that the bar he holds is his parents', he won’t be freed. 

Part of the issue for people can be a strong wish to be similar to parents and to stay in connection with parents, above doing something outside what the family wants (or needs) from them.

Or, it could occur by comparing yourself to that perfect coworker or a couple comparing themselves to That Perfect Couple down the street or whose house they go to for parties (a great example of this is in the novel, Music For Torching by A.M. Homes where a couple thinks their lives are boring and that they're terrible parents in comparison to friends who seem to have it all, until they see from inside!).

Therapy then, becomes about realizing this tug-of-war between your authentic self and what you've been shown, told, or perceive you need to achieve. It's all about creating empowerment through appreciation, authentic connection, insight, and choice.

Think about it now:

Are you weighing your life against what your parents (or caretakers, or role models) have or against what you want for yourself? 

Take a moment and ask, what do I want for myself? 

Take inventory. How close are you to achieving it, or, do you have it now? 

What will it take for you to switch the bar from the one your parents/caretakers have wanted for you versus what you want for yourself?

·   Make a list of what you want for yourself. Be specific.

·   What have your parents/caretakers believed?

·   How is it different?

    When you appraise your life now from the eyes of your own measures, what do you see? 

    What, specifically, is holding you back?

·   What is one step you can take today, either toward accepting your success or moving toward it?

    Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland, Oregon who works with warm and expressive people seeking connection, meaning, and empowerment in their lives. 


   http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

  keywords: achievement, success, life transitions, expectations, parents, empowerment, goals, self-esteem, narcissism.

Making the Most of Your Microbreaks (Or, How to Be Happier at Work)

Checked your Facebook page lately? Making plans for the weekend? This could be taking happiness away from your work day! A recent study shows that taking non-work-related microbreaks, (small breaks during your work days where you might grab a cup of coffee or text someone), may decrease your productivity and rejuvenation (Fritz, 2012). 

This was a surprising finding for Dr. Charlotte Fritz, a professor at Portland State University. She’d expected the reverse. While breaks are necessary, especially in a stressful job, Fritz found that microbreaks, especially getting a cup of coffee or listening to music, decreased participants’ energy levels.

However, taking micro-breaks which are focused on work increase work can increase satisfaction and vitality!

Why? From a mindfulness perspective, I can’t help but wonder if that’s because it increases your awareness that you're not where you want to be, and creates more longing. For example, if you’re on a long plane ride, for example, does it make you happier (and therefore, less anxious) to think about where you just came from, or where you’re going or to focus on the movie they’re playing on the trip? You decide. 

I’ve found that not only doing work-related activities during microbreaks at work increases my happiness quotient, but also doing pleasurable work-related tasks right before I start my day (an hour before), gets me in the mood for work (though this is not the case when the task is unpleasant!). Even 30 minutes of work-related tasks that I enjoy (such as working on my blog), before work helps put me in a happier and more energetic work mindset than if I jump into work after doing unrelated fun things. 

Try it and see if it works for you.

For more information see Dr. Fritz’s interview on her study: http://hbr.org/2012/05/coffee-breaks-dont-boost-productivity-after-all/ar/1?referral=00134

*****

Dr. Heather Schwartz is a mindfulness and relational psychologist in Portland, Oregon, who specializes in helping warm and expressive people experience increased inspiration, connection, and empowerment. 

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com