Crawling Into a Hole vs Turning Inward

*Marie (not her real name) came to see me because of job stress as an executive, the ending of her relationship of 9 years, and the wish, at 35, to find "something of meaning" in her life. 

Each day, she plodded through meetings and details while going home to the end of her relationship to a man she loved but could no longer live with. Jerry wasn't abusive, (that would have made it easier); he'd just stopped growing. She wanted more. Though they'd sought out couples counseling, it became clear that the next step was not marriage (perhaps that's why it had taken so long to even think about that), but something else. She thought it might be the end.

As we began to talk, she realized that she'd continued trying to expand her life as though none of this inner life was happening, trying to connect with people she and they knew together as a couple, but this didn't feel authentic. Not fully. And, this was partly because she'd been living half her life in her head. Staying with Jerry, she realized, was not true to who she was, nor who she could be, but the thought of leaving him produced similar feelings of despair and anxiety. Who was she? What was her life without him? She'd always written poetry and had been an English major in college, but she'd left that to create a life with Jerry, and a livelihood of business, which felt stabler to her at the time. But, what had she given up? And, if she tried, could she bring this energy back into the relationship? Would there be room for her?

In Humanistic-Existential therapy, one focus is on what creates meaning for your life. Who are you? What gives your life meaning? What do you want for yourself, beyond things? Where is the balance between expansion and constriction of energy? Greater involvement in life is of the essence.

Part of the therapy's focus is for therapist and client to both be present to what is going in the the client's life as well as what's happening in the room. As noted Existential-Humanistic theorist and author, James Bugental writes, "presence is the quality of being in a situation or relationship in which one intends at a deep level to participate as fully as [one] is able."

As a therapist, I ask myself, "How much should I talk vs share my thoughts? Will talking increase expansion and is this helpful to the person who's sitting across from me? Is it time to share or is it time for the person, if I'm quiet, to find some silence, space, or  treasure inside herself?"

Many clients feel the need to constrict themselves and their emotions before feeling expansive. As we enter Autumn, the amber season, the time of turning from warmth to coolness, sunlight to shade and dark nights, this is a time of turning inward, feeling the areas of our lives that are cold and need to be warmed. Within this turning within, there is an awareness of choice and of freedom. What do you choose for your life?

Marie realized that she'd given up her quiet in favor of talking, but the talking with Jerry had no content, no place to go -- further. She began to listen to herself, to write more, to take long walks to gather her thoughts, mulling them over throughout the week, writing about them and bringing them to therapy, like treasures. She described therapy as a sort of "crawl space, maybe a hole... but it feels right" Some place where she could stay hidden until she was ready to come out. She realized that she needed to go slow, even put her head down, metaphorically, to allow for enough energy for all the ways she hoped to change, and was changing. An incubation period. Therapy, in this way, became a hidey-hole. A way of turning inward so she could hear her thoughts more clearly.

Sometimes, nesting or nestling in, is necessary to hear your inner thoughts and to make changes. Constriction may be needed before expansion of your vital energy can be savored and shared with others. I think of this almost like the stuffed animals that my dogs bury in the backyard to save for later, tasting better than before now that the soft fluff flavor is deepened by the toasty flavor of backyard dirt. ;)

As Marie changed, so did her need to stay hidden. She described feeling, "more myself." She experienced increased energy in general. Not the frantic energy of before, but something more fluid and vital to who she was. She began to write more, and talk from the center of herself, with presence. I could really feel her with me when we talked. Her relationship with Jerry shifted as did her relationship with friends and family. She described feeling more alive and awake. 

While this was and continues to be a process for Marie, there is a centering, a place that you can come to, in the middle of yourself, if you listen to what needs to be heard. It's from this place of stillness that beautiful ways of being begin to bloom. 

**** Think now: 

What in your life needs shelter?

This could be an aspect of your life or a skill you're trying to develop.

Could going slower with intention and awareness create greater room for its arrival? Sometimes softening about the pressure, the need for a certain timeline helps.

As you bring to mind/body/heart an area of your life you're trying to make peace with, imagine you have a secret enclave to go to. Make it lovely and safe: a comfortable sofa, your feet up, a warm drink easily within your reach. And, now in your mind's eye and in your heart, give yourself all the time you need, all the gentleness you might desire, to turn inward.

*****************
* Permission to write about this therapy anecdote was received by the author.

Heather Schwartz, Psy.D. is a relational (aka Humanistic), and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in seeing adult clients seeking full self wellness.

Push and Push Harder

So, in my last article, I talked about freezing and freedom (vis a vis expectation of success). One of the ways the brain handles stress is to go into freeze mode.

This is the quintessential bunny facing a bear move.  The brain says, "Oh, sh*t! There's nothing I can do!" and the body says, "I'll just freeze and hope the bad thing or situation or animal won't see me!"

Freezing is the Amygdala's solution, in addition to fight or flight, to danger. It's a reptilian response, and one that's meant to prevent annihilation.

Freezing may mean complete stillness while fight or flight may mean strong emotional responses or doing the same behavior over and over when threatened emotionally or physically. Psychologist and Emotional IQ expert, Dr. Daniel Goleman calls this "Amygdala Hijack."

An example of this is when people are in a movie theater and someone yells, "Fire!" The response is to push on the exit doors. If the doors won't open, people push harder, rather than thinking through solutions... like, "Maybe I should pull?" 

In danger, the blood flow is in the Amygdala, which controls the response of fight, flight, and freeze rather than in the prefrontal cortex which allows for planning and execution. 

Safety experts have mandated that all theater doors go both ways to prevent people from being locked in, given our natural response in danger to continue what we're doing rather than assess whether it's working or not.

If only life experiences could be like these doors! 

But, they're not.

When you have chronic stress, like stress from family, you might enter flight, fight, or freeze modes more frequently.

Here's the thing: everyone talks about chaotic or difficult childhoods, but few professionals talk about how negative family dynamics may continue into adulthood. Connections with family members may still feel bad.

If you came from a chaotic family, you may still be going through the motions of what you did in the past to cope with the present (regardless of whether the present is better or not).

One of the main things you learn in a chaotic family is that you don't have choices. As a kid, you didn't have choices about your well-being, and yet, if there was chaos around you, the only response suitable might have been to freeze.

As an adult, you have choices, but it may not feel like it, when you go into a protective mode: fight, flight, or freeze.

Freezing is the opposite of choice. 

This is where therapy can be very helpful, slowing things down, reminding you of context (past vs present options), and creating a pathway for change.

8 Suggestions for Breaking Free From Amygdala Hyjack:

1. Identify which situations create strong emotions where you feel out of control or less like yourself.

2. Do you feel like an adult, a teenager, or a child?

3. If you feel younger than an adult, reassure your younger self that you are safe.

4. Identify one way you can change to increase your sense of efficacy.

5. Practice breathing deeply during the day. Asking yourself, "Where is my breath?" when stopped at a stoplight, or in a line at the grocery store, and creating pauses for yourself brings more awareness and self-knowing.

6. Write about the ways you feel triggered and by whom.

7. Do one thing differently each time you interact with someone with whom you feel frozen, in flight or fight. Just one thing. When you're successful at this one thing, add on another.
Remember: will power is changed one step at a time.

8. Have compassion for yourself.

*****
Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland, Oregon.
http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

The Opposite of Freeze is Freedom

"Whenever I feel forced to be creative, I freeze." Solution: Take away the force, and allow the freeze.

That is:

Embrace it. Don't fight it. Allow it.
Bring compassion to it.
And then, from that place of acceptance, do something.

Sometimes, doing something means:

1. No comparisons to other so-called, brilliant people. No comparisons to previous things you've done well. No comparisons to how you felt a moment before you realized you were going to be creative!

2. Act out the freeze. What's its name? Who does it play with? Bring that freeze to life! But, don't ask it to perform. ;)

3. What's the opposite of freeze? (To me, it's freedom, being free and open. It's warmth. Sun. Joy. Laughter. Whatever helps me feel open to possibility). 

4. If the opposite of freezing, slowing down, or stopping is freedom, how do you feel when you're free?

5. Step into a moment in time when you felt free. Visualize it, deeply. What were you wearing? What was the day like? Who were you with? (e.g. A summer day in Laurelhurst park with my dog, running, laughing uproariously as our larger dog leapt into the air and twisted, fell, and wriggled over to me, all 60 lbs of him!). 

6. How does free feel in your body? (e.g. My chest feels more open. I am breathing easily. I have a smile on my face. My thoughts are flowing easily).

6. Now, from this place of free, begin again.

Keywords: creativity, motivation, gestalt, performance anxiety, trust, psychotherapy.

Got Clarity? You Have to See Fuzzy Before You Can See Clearly

Isn't it true that the older you get, the more responsibilities you have? There is no comparison, is there?

Taking care of the kids, pets, running from the gym to paying bills, and going to work all take precedence over going to the beach, reading at your favorite cafe, having a beer or meeting friends for lunch like you used to when you were ummm younger. It can be hard to get free time to just to think much less do something you enjoy.

That said, there are things that MUST be done, and things that can wait. Things you'd like to do, and things you'd rather not. 

Recently, I read a great article in the Harvard Business Review Blog by Bob Frisch about making better decisions by prioritizing. He has surprising advice.

First, he describes how a washing machine company decided that the water needed to be warm when hitting the detergent. Instead of deciding upon an exact temperature, the company decided that warm was hotter than cold and colder than hot. This is called, "fuzzy logic" in math. In other words, it can be helpful to make things foggier before you make them clearer. This is kind of like when you're at the Ophthalmologist and she asks: Better this way? Better that way?

How does this apply to prioritizing? Frisch suggests making to-do lists by dividing your activities into "Should Do" "Must Do" and "Nice To Do" columns.  This helps clarify and distinguish what you need, want, and must do. Then, be sure to check them off! Even when you're checking off the nice to do items, your mind will feel clearer.

Making lists leads to better health, according to experts, including author, Sonya Lyubomirsky, PhD, a psychology professor at UC Riverside who studies happiness (and wrote the book, The How of Happiness). It helps break down what feels huge and overwhelming into manageable pieces, Lyubomirsky says.

When something is incomplete, your mind holds onto it, trying to make sense of it. Offering it up to the page, and then checking it off, releases it. 

It also increases your sense of accomplishment. Recent studies have found that accomplishing a small goal first leads to greater success later. It's called "a small win" by Charles Duhigg, and is described in his new book, The Power of Habit (2012).

You might also find that what you feel is overwhelming in the moment doesn't have to be done today.

The upshot? Keeping a delineated to-do list leads to greater clarity and success.

This is empowering news to those of us whose minds are filled to the brink! 

(And, now, I'm going to go check off "write blog article and tweet it" in my Nice To-Do column! ;) ).

Additional resources for those who want additional reading:

1. " To Get Better Decisions, Get a Little Fuzzy," by Bob Frisch: http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2012/05/to_get_better_decisions_get_a.html

2. The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want, by Sonya Lyubomirsky, Ph.D. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=the+how+of+happiness

  3. The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Love and Work, Charles Duhigg, http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Habit-What-Business/dp/1400069289

4. And, for fun: To-Do List: From Buying Milk to Finding a Soul Mate, What Our Lists Reveal About Us, by Sasha Cagen: http://www.amazon.com/dp/1416534695/ref=rdr_ext_tmb

keywords: performance, motivation, inspiration, to-do lists, health, wellness, procrastination, Success, Studies, Willpower

Our Emotional Heroes

We all need heroes in our lives. I realized this yesterday as I got on the treadmill again. You see, I’ve just begun running (or, jogging, as I should say, given the speed I’m going), and it’s not easy. It is, in fact, a lot like meditating. When I’m fully immersed, there’s a clarity, a stillness, a perfect symmetry of my legs and arms, all of my body moving in synch with the world, and my mind feels very clear. This typically lasts about 2 minutes and then I'm back to trying to find my rhythm and momentum. But, it's something! ;) 

Truth be told, much of my movement is exertion right now because I'm a beginner. I guess you could say that I have beginner's body. ;) And, if I pretend that everything is fine, then I end up fighting myself all the more, kind of like pretending you’re at the beach when you’re at the dentist’s office. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself, the sound of the drill is nothing like the cry of the seagulls! 

The same is true for meditation. Try as you might to “stay calm,” the opposite becomes true. You’re fighting the thoughts instead of just allowing them to float across your mind like clouds across the sky. You’re fighting that sad feeling evoked by reading the news, and when you fight it, it grows. 

As a Vipassana meditator, much of my focus is on my sensations. So, while running, I'm focusing on the ache in my calves, the burn in my lungs, and the tingle when – at last! – I have endorphins swimming through my system like endolphins (ha ha! I’m borrowing this from that old movie, Kissing Jessica Stein). And, then as I notice all of this, the sensations and feelings evaporate. Freedom for a moment! And, then the sensations and thoughts arise again.

I wrote in my last blog article about how meditation and psychotherapy are different. In meditation, as in life, the focus is on accepting everything even if it feels unacceptable. In relational mindfulness psychotherapy, the focus is on acceptance, but also enhancement of positive states of being. In come our heroes! Didn’t you wonder when I was going to bring them in? :) 

So, the issue becomes that if we are having a hard time – in running, meditation, or life – it can be helpful to have what I call, Emotional Heroes. These are people who reflect an aspect of what’s needed in the moment to help you to be your best self.  They're people you can look up to in one way. They don't have to be perfect in every way for one of them to be an emotional hero.

They might be one person or group of people, or a music band that evoke in you the feeling you’re trying to enhance. 

For example, I listen to Green Day when running because their political agenda inspires a passionate part of me that reminds me to fight for people’s rights. Because I believe in fighting for what you believe in, I run harder. I also have my partner who used to run half-marathons as my role model and Stamina Hero for running and love. When I meditate, I think of Tara Brach, my Patience and Meditation Hero.

As a relational therapist who practices from a neuroscience bent, I work with people to use the powerful relationships in their lives to increase their sense of empowerment. Your brain can't tell the difference between what is visualized and what is enacted. So, when you visualize a mentor/hero doing something and then you visualize yourself doing it as well, your body releases chemicals that make your brain think you are actually doing the activity as the peaceful, certain, courageous, joyful person you want to be or as the jogger who runs with ease. This is why visualization is often used in peak performance/sports. 

The verdict here? When you focus on a person who inspires you, you are actively strengthening your brain and your capacity for whatever intention you are trying to actualize.

Think now:

* Who inspires you?

* Who are your heroes? 
* What intentions do you need to invoke in yourself and your life?

* Who is your Patience Hero?

* Your Stamina Hero, (the hero who helps you keep going no matter what?)

* Your Trust Hero?

* Your Courage Hero?

* Your Love Hero? 

When you need to invoke a particular way of being, try to bring your Emotional Hero to mind and respond as she or he might. 

***************************

Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in private practice in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with warm and expressive people seeking greater connection, inspiration, and empowerment in their lives.

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com 

Keywords: mindfulness, meditation, psychotherapy, inspiration, running, patience, heroes, Interpersonal Neurobiology, relationships, relational therapy, joy, coping with stress, emotions.

Why Meditation is Different From Mindfulness-Oriented Psychotherapy

Full Self Wellness: Why Meditation is Different From Mindfulness-Orien...: If you've been thinking about meditating because you want the benefits, like: * the lowered blood pressure * the greater ability to empat...

Why Meditation is Different From Mindfulness-Oriented Psychotherapy

If you've been thinking about meditating because you want the benefits, like:

* the lowered blood pressure
* the greater ability to empathize with others
* the increased sense of calm
* a greater ability to cope with stress
* a sense that you can handle life better
* a greater range of emotions, especially an increased ability to experience more joy, appreciation, and gratitude in your life

then you probably think that meditation and mindfulness-oriented therapy are the same.

But, they're not. 


The truth is that mindfulness-oriented therapy, when it's done in a relational way (where the therapist shares her reflections about her own process or the process of therapy as well as her empathy and insights, and invites the client to do the same), is profound.


You heard me. 
It's profound.


And, the reason is because when something is shared, there is a greater sense of healing. Trauma expert, Judith Herman, M.D., suggests that negative events are less negative if they're shared in community. Add an empathic person to the mix, who truly cares, and this changes everything! 

For example, a study on medical doctors found that patients with colds got better faster than before when their doctors were empathic. (See link: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19582635).

But, that's not all.

The other profound difference is that while meditation encourages meditators to treat all emotions as the same, mindfulness-oriented relational therapy aims your focus on positive emotions. 


The result?


Greater joy.


Why? 

Because as you increase your capacity to experience more joy, you prime your brain to release the neurotransmitters, GABA and Oxytocin, which in turn create new neural pathways in your brain. The more these neural pathways are traveled (by thoughts and images in therapy), the more you experience joy.

This also accounts for why it's important to be in therapy focused on your immediate experience in session rather than just passive understanding of the past, and why it's also important to discuss and experience positive as well as negative feelings in session.

See why meditation and mindfulness-oriented psychotherapy are different?

***********

Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in private practice in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with warm and expressive people seeking greater connection, inspiration, and empowerment in their lives. 

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com 

Keywords: mindfulness, meditation, psychotherapy, Interpersonal Neurobiology, relationships, relational therapy, joy, coping with stress, emotions.