Set Your Own Bar

This may be obvious to you, but you are the one who makes the decision about whether you’re a success.

You set the bar.

But, if you grew up with narcissistic or abusive or drug/alcohol-addicted parents, or even just highly successful parents who have meant well, you may have been told what and where the bar is, and may still be trying to reach that bar rather than your own. 

There could also be a feeling you received in your family that you were never good enough. This may have left you searching for the bar outside yourself. Now, you might find that bar (that perfect way of being) in coworkers or friends, or mentors. It has a way of taking over.

There is also a fine line between accepting your success and moving forward toward more personal or professional growth. If you don’t expect much, you may feel malaise, depression, boredom, or inertia. But, if you push yourself too hard, you may be constantly striving and never arriving, never enjoying what you've created.

Whether it’s something general like being “good enough” or specific like a set amount of money, it’s still out of your control when you let someone else define it for you. This may be a matter of priority, where you put your energy.

You might also experience that the bar of success changes arbitrarily, if you have a parent who needs to be the winner/expert. And, no matter how old you are, you may still be trying to please your parents. But, do you realize that? 

Part of the issue is that people sometimes don’t realize that this is happening, because it’s been going on for so long. As people, we don’t realize we have choices, that it’s not about not being good enough, but instead about switching the focus from someone else’s priorities to our own.

Examples: 

A daughter who believes she has to make a lot of money or marry someone wealthy rather than who she loves in order to please her wealthy parents. She weighs her success against what her parents want for her rather than what she wants for herself, which is love and connection, first and foremost. However, her need to please comes before her own desires. This need to please has its place; in order to stay in connection with her parents, she makes a sacrifice on her own needs. 

A son who has pursued his love of photography but secretly wishes his parents, who want him to be a doctor, could be proud of him, and each phone call home is a reminder of the difference in values and his wish to be accepted for who he is. Even though he is living his dream, until he realizes that the bar he holds is his parents', he won’t be freed. 

Part of the issue for people can be a strong wish to be similar to parents and to stay in connection with parents, above doing something outside what the family wants (or needs) from them.

Or, it could occur by comparing yourself to that perfect coworker or a couple comparing themselves to That Perfect Couple down the street or whose house they go to for parties (a great example of this is in the novel, Music For Torching by A.M. Homes where a couple thinks their lives are boring and that they're terrible parents in comparison to friends who seem to have it all, until they see from inside!).

Therapy then, becomes about realizing this tug-of-war between your authentic self and what you've been shown, told, or perceive you need to achieve. It's all about creating empowerment through appreciation, authentic connection, insight, and choice.

Think about it now:

Are you weighing your life against what your parents (or caretakers, or role models) have or against what you want for yourself? 

Take a moment and ask, what do I want for myself? 

Take inventory. How close are you to achieving it, or, do you have it now? 

What will it take for you to switch the bar from the one your parents/caretakers have wanted for you versus what you want for yourself?

·   Make a list of what you want for yourself. Be specific.

·   What have your parents/caretakers believed?

·   How is it different?

    When you appraise your life now from the eyes of your own measures, what do you see? 

    What, specifically, is holding you back?

·   What is one step you can take today, either toward accepting your success or moving toward it?

    Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland, Oregon who works with warm and expressive people seeking connection, meaning, and empowerment in their lives. 


   http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

  keywords: achievement, success, life transitions, expectations, parents, empowerment, goals, self-esteem, narcissism.

Making the Most of Your Microbreaks (Or, How to Be Happier at Work)

Checked your Facebook page lately? Making plans for the weekend? This could be taking happiness away from your work day! A recent study shows that taking non-work-related microbreaks, (small breaks during your work days where you might grab a cup of coffee or text someone), may decrease your productivity and rejuvenation (Fritz, 2012). 

This was a surprising finding for Dr. Charlotte Fritz, a professor at Portland State University. She’d expected the reverse. While breaks are necessary, especially in a stressful job, Fritz found that microbreaks, especially getting a cup of coffee or listening to music, decreased participants’ energy levels.

However, taking micro-breaks which are focused on work increase work can increase satisfaction and vitality!

Why? From a mindfulness perspective, I can’t help but wonder if that’s because it increases your awareness that you're not where you want to be, and creates more longing. For example, if you’re on a long plane ride, for example, does it make you happier (and therefore, less anxious) to think about where you just came from, or where you’re going or to focus on the movie they’re playing on the trip? You decide. 

I’ve found that not only doing work-related activities during microbreaks at work increases my happiness quotient, but also doing pleasurable work-related tasks right before I start my day (an hour before), gets me in the mood for work (though this is not the case when the task is unpleasant!). Even 30 minutes of work-related tasks that I enjoy (such as working on my blog), before work helps put me in a happier and more energetic work mindset than if I jump into work after doing unrelated fun things. 

Try it and see if it works for you.

For more information see Dr. Fritz’s interview on her study: http://hbr.org/2012/05/coffee-breaks-dont-boost-productivity-after-all/ar/1?referral=00134

*****

Dr. Heather Schwartz is a mindfulness and relational psychologist in Portland, Oregon, who specializes in helping warm and expressive people experience increased inspiration, connection, and empowerment. 

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

Mess Before Change: 10 Steps

This morning, I was feeling kind of meh: organizing stuff, surveying the dishes, and cleaning out my refrigerator (all the expired yogurts and soft veggies), made messier by an attempt to organize. I took everything out to sort and to wash. It was overwhelming. Shelves from the fridge mingling with dishes from last night. Judgement rose up: why don't we do them after dinner?! Why did we watch that re-run of Girls instead?

I took a deep breath; I reminded myself that comparing this state of mess to an earlier time when the kitchen was clean was not going to help. I focused on my breathing and the tension in my shoulders and jaw. Sensations began to soften. And then, I prioritized three small goals:

1. Wash the drawers. 
2. Throw away bad veggies and yogurt. 
3. Wash three dishes from last night. Not all, just some. That was manageable.

And, then I did them. 

I can't say I felt perfect, like I did before when the kitchen was sparkling. But, I can say I felt better than I did before I started. Sometimes, it just takes willingness.

This is often the case; chaos is often the precursor to organization. Chaos can bring also bring clarity. But to do so, you have to have willingness. To quote, Buddhist monk, Cheri Huber, "The key and the name of the key is willingness." I'd also add trust, patience, and curiosity to meeting with chaos.

You have to bring everything out in order to make sense of it, know where it goes.You have to sort through things to know what you want to keep and what you want to let go of.

This is true for therapy, too. Sometimes, it feels like you’re dragging everything out of the closet, talking about disparate ideas, and only later, do you realize that your pattern of being attracted to unavailable men, for example, makes sense given an earlier loss.

Sometimes, this is more the case with feelings than facts. You have to express all that you feel (all the so-called, "mess" inside) in order to get to the hidden layer of calm. Of comfort.


10 Steps For Moving Mess into Change:

1. Take a moment and a breath now.
2. How do you feel?
3. Note the feelings in your body as well as your heart. What sensations do you notice?
4. Notice any urges to judge yourself, especially comparing yourself to where you've been before. 
There is only now. Truly.
5. Allow for all feeling, all thoughts, without pushing anything away.
6. Let yourself arrive into this moment.
7. Now, take a moment and bring to mind something you're worried about, something you've been putting off because of the chaos involved. This could be ruckus in your heart or in actually.
8. Make 3 small goals.
9 Do them today. 
10. Note how you feel. 

***

Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist who delights in working with warm and expressive adults in Portland, Oregon.

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

Posting in Opposition to Perfectionism

So, I was thinking about how to begin this post, and I thought, "I don't know how to start it, so I'll just wait until I have a better beginning."


Ironically, this post is about perfectionism and procrastination.


So, I'll start there. I'll begin with the truth. Even though I am a therapist (and, therefore, in my mind, should know better), the truth is, I still struggle with perfectionism and procrastination. I really want these posts to be new, memorable and meaningful. I want them to be useful to you, and, dare I say, it, Creative. I want them to be user-friendly.


And, yet, I also want them to live up to the standard I have in my head of all the great posts out there: you know the ones; they're either funny or poignant or both. They say something old in a new way, like a comedian, or they say something totally profoundly interesting that we've never thought of, which gets our dopamine activated! In fact, it's our search for something new that increases dopamine not just the thing itself! This is the dopamine feedback loop: search for information --> dopamine --> increased motivation --> search for more info --> dopamine. YAY!


It feels good.


Which is why we search for information.


Which is why I want this post to be useful and not boring or cliched. For most of us, just the act of putting something out there to the world is an act of bravery.


And, it's exactly this striving for perfection (whatever that is) + judgement/comparison = procrastination. We stop. We get in our own way. 


Sometimes this happens when we start and realize we don't know where we're heading. As Peter Bregman in his post on the Harvard Business Review Blog notes,(http://blogs.hbr.org/bregman/2012/06/the-emotional-adventure-of-lea.html) sometimes you have to get lost to be found. And, when you admit it, it makes you a stronger leader.Cool. I can feed that to my inner critic! 


He writes, "It takes tremendous confidence to lead. Not the confidence of having all the answers — that's arrogance — but the confidence to move forward even without the answers. You have to be capable of feeling awkward and uncertain without giving up."


What have you given up that you want to re-start?


For me, it's this post that I began last week. Yup, it's true.


So, I'm writing this post today and dedicating it to all you perfectionists out there! I'm not putting it off for another day! Whatever you're wanting to do, whether it be small or large, break it down into small steps. Tell yourself it's better to do it, to start it today, right now in fact, than to leave it unfinished or never started.That's the power of a leader.


As one of my favorite Martha Graham quotes goes, "There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ..."


Why the hell not?!


Keywords: procrastination, perfectionism, motivation, creativity, leadership, psychology, psychotherapy, coaching, wellness, confidence, self-esteem, inspiration, Peter Bregman.


http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com
Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/DrHeatherS
http://www.linkedin.com/pub/heather-schwartz-psy-d/a/973/6b

The Ironies of Kindness

Sometimes, you just can’t help but do a good thing. A man in the small town of Prineville, Oregon was trying to pry a mouse from the jaws of stray cat he’d befriended, (an often occurrence for most cat owners), and contracted The Plague. Yes, that’s right: Black Death here in Oregon. It’s shocking. Apparently, there are three types of Plagues: one that affects the lymph nodes, (Bubonic), one that affects the lungs, (Pneumonic), and the third, (Septicemic), that affects the blood stream (Septicemic), which is the one this man contracted. Rodents sicken with The Plague due to the fleas that live on their bodies, and when house pets roam outside and seek their prey, we humans become susceptible.  Symptoms for humans include: fever, chills, bloody coughing, and a near-fatal response. The man is in critical condition. Scary! And all for trying to do something nice: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/hitchhiker-writing-book-kindess-americans-shot-authorities-article-1.1096407

On the flip side, a West Virginia photographer who took to the road, hitchhiking his way across the country, on a project to write a book on Kindness, shot himself in the arm and then blamed it on someone else who was arrested for felony. What the hell? Ironically, he says he was looking for kindness in America. He created its opposite! http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/hitchhiker-writing-book-kindess-americans-shot-authorities-article-1.1096407 Oh, the ironies of “kindness”! Sometimes what we say we’re looking for is a far cry from what we’re hoping or working to find. (e.g. We tell ourselves we want a kind boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, and yet, we're drawn to someone very different and not altogether good for us).


When I was a teen, I used to put quarters in people's parking meters that were about to run out. I did this until a police officer stopped me, threatened to give me a ticket, and told me it was illegal for me to help others this way. Ironic again? 

And, yet, there are so many examples of kindness in our everyday lives that we might overlook. Here in Portland, I’m always amazed by the number of drivers who let me into their lane when I’m turning or merging, the people who share a smile, or one lady who ran outside with a tube of toothpaste she was sure was mine (it wasn’t) that was left in the bag area of QFC. 

When you look at your life today, what can you see about the level of kindness that you’re putting out there? What about the kind of kindness you’re sharing? I’m talking about everyday kindnesses like holding a door for someone. You don’t have to pull out a Plague-infested rat or shoot yourself in the arm to experience or receive it! What authentic kindness are you offering today?  

Keywords: kindness, news, intention, purpose, health, motivation. 

Heather Schwartz, Psy.D.

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/DrHeatherS

Sacred Avocado

I was cleaning my refrigerator out this morning when I noticed a crumpled paper bag stuffed between the cantaloupe and the heirloom tomatoes. It had a sag to the side and as I opened it, I saw, deep in, the avocado that I had been saving for a special salad I'd been planning. I'd bought it while it was still hard, not quite ripe, and had stuffed it into a paper bag (one of the great ways to ripen an avocado) to save for later.

Later.

Later came and was gone, and now the avocado was rotten! I'd saved it too long! I forgot to remember. I forgot to look back, deep enough into the drawer. I got caught up in my life and what was directly around me, rather than deep in the refrigerator drawer. 

Take a moment now. 

What have you forgotten? What have you been saving to express or savor until it's ripe? Or, worried it wasn't ripe enough to enjoy? What in your life needs incubation, and what needs to ripen?

Want to move toward expression in 3 steps?

1) Write your goal/wish down and break down your ultimate vision into smaller bits. Make a list of should do's, must do's, and would like to do's.

Keep in Mind: Writing goals down increases the likelihood of accomplishing them, according to a study looking at why Harvard grads make more money. It's all in the writing! Writing it down = commitment.


2) Choose ONE choice goal per day. More choices actually lead to more confusion and less action (e.g. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/27/your-money/27shortcuts.html), while choosing one goal increases your will power to do more.

3). Make your vision visible. Put this list or a sign of your goal in your vision (hiding it in a refrigerator drawer won't do!). Work on it daily. Write it down This is why Vision Boards work. 


When you look at your unique collection of skills or wishes, talents or dreams, what one step can you take today that moves you closer to expressing your sacred avocado dreams? ;)

******
Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland who delights in working with warm and expressive people seeking inspiration, joy, and connection in their lives.


Heather Schwartz, Psy.D.
http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com
Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/DrHeatherS

Keywords: goals, money, inspiration, talent, small business, start-up.

Are You an Empath?

* Is it easy for you to sense what others feel?

* Are you moved easily by others or sentimental experiences?

* Is it hard for you to watch violence on tv or in the news or to hear about upsetting experiences without feeling very upset or overwhelmed?

* Is it hard for you to distinguish between your feelings and others?

* Do strangers and friends find it easy to confide in you?

* Do you find yourself easily moved by other people’s stories with the desire to help?

* Do you pick up/feel other people’s headaches, stomachaches, etc?

* When with others, do you find yourself easily swept away by their feelings, feelings you didn’t have before you connected with them?

* Are you gentle with how you talk with others?

* Do you find yourself exhausted after being around certain people or situations, even if you enjoy these people? 

If you answered yes to four or more of these questions, you may be an Empath. But, read on for more clarity...

What is an Empath?          

     Definitions abound, but based on research and experience, but, you're probably an Empath if you have three main characteristics:

     1. You feel deeply.

     2. You easily “pick up” or feel other people’s feelings (sadness, anger, joy, etc.) or sensations (stomachaches, headaches, etc). Since feelings begin in the body as sensations (Antonio Damasio, 2000), it is understandable that you might feel emotions as sensations.

     3. You sincerely care about the welfare of others; you think carefully about what you say to others, how they might receive what you have to say, and are quick to apologize if you hurt someone's feelings, unintentionally.

As people, we instinctively “pick up” feelings by reading others’ facial expressions and special neurons in our minds, called, “mirror neurons” (discovered by a researcher named Marco Iacaboni), help us to literally mirror the feelings of others as though they are our own. However, Empaths receive a stronger dose of the feeling.

As a result, many Empaths struggle with learning to differentiate their own feelings from those of others. It’s very common to feel overwhelmed by other people’s emotions based on this ability. But, this can be learned and honed. More on this later.
  

Sensitivity and Empaths: Creating Differentiations

Many Empaths are Highly Sensitive People (Aron, 1997), who are not only sensitive to people’s feelings but also to environmental stimuli like bright lights, loud noises, strong smells, as well as crowds. However, it is possible to be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and not be an Empath; some HSPs are not at all sensitive to the feelings of others and not sensitive to how they express their overwhelming feelings. On the other hand, some Empaths are adept at blocking or feeling less bothered than HSPs by external stimuli unrelated to social interaction. 

Introverts prefer smaller groups, one-on-one and need alone time in order to rejuvenate after interaction with others, and derive much of their energy from quiet activities or alone time. Shy people are fearful of or cautious in social interactions. While Empaths may need alone time to replenish after being around someone with strong negative emotions, Empaths are not necessarily introverted or shy.

Many Empaths are highly intuitive. This may be because our ability to intuit often comes from a gut sense; and to have a gut sense often means to be attuned to your body and emotional self. I say often, because for some, intuition is a state of knowing that does not feel related to the body. This does not mean, however, that Empaths are psychic. Empaths are not able to determine the future. 

Narcissistic people, or people with narcissistic traits can be very sensitive to the feelings of others, but often respond with an edge because they feel overwhelmed by their emotions. You can tell this because if you are on the receiving end, their comments don’t feel good, or feel self-serving. This is not empathy, even if they are able to read your emotions carefully and correctly.

Lastly, many Adult Children of Alcoholics, Adult Children of Narcissists, Adult Children of Autistic parents (or other forms of dysfunctional families) struggle with feeling overwhelmed by their own feelings and being very attuned to the environments and others’ feelings. In their unpredictable childhoods, they adaptively learned to cope by scanning the environment, becoming what’s called, hypervigilent to their parent’s moods and behaviors through facial expressions, gestures, senses, (e.g.smell of alcohol), in order to determine how to feel and act. This ability can translate into empathy, but needs to be differentiated between a need for control and to feel safe versus an ability to naturally attune to what others feel and to care about how the other person feels. 

Many ACOA’s care deeply about others and are truly kind in the way they care for others. But part of the family structure in a dysfunctional household is to try to save or cover up for the addicted/dysfunctional parent. And, there is a difference between trying to save people and feeling their emotions.  Part of the work of therapy is to differentiate between caring vs needing to feel that everyone is okay so that the ACOA/Adult Child of dysfunctional family can feel okay. This is not empathy but a need for safety, and is understandable given this upbringing. Sometimes, people who grow up in dysfunctional families realize that their scanning of the environment has heightened their ability to be empathic. Once they feel safe enough in the world, they can relax and use this ability for good. :)

 

What’s good about being an Empath?

1. Increased capacity for connection
2. Increased capacity to appreciate the world and others
3. Greater capacity to create community given this deep caring 
4. Feel things deeply
5. Usually in touch with their senses which heightens appreciation and often, gratitude
6. Increased intuition
7. Increase creativity
8. Increased capacity to implicitly understand the feelings of others and a natural capacity to  know how to help people to feel better

Empaths care deeply about the world. People often feel safe with an Empath, knowing that Empaths truly care about them and their concerns. Empaths are typically warm towards others and expressive about their feelings. Many massage therapists and psychotherapists are at an advantage, able to use the information they receive to deepen connection and to better understand the interaction and their clients better. Empathy is a powerful tool to create implicit understanding. 

Think of the last time someone looked in your eyes and just understood what you were feeling. Now, think about how you offer that to others. It’s a gift. But, in order to keep feeling that it’s a gift, it’s imperative to be able to create good boundaries between yourself and others so that you don’t feel drained.

A huge part of this is being aware of what you feel so that you can differentiate between your feeling and others. Increased capacity for connection, gratitude, and care all aid in creating stronger health. However, if you struggle with letting feelings go, then health can be impaired.

As a therapist, I work extensively with people wanting to create better boundaries between themselves and others. Even though you already feel emotions deeply, part of this involves identifying what you feel before you enter into interaction with others. The more you feel connected to yourself and lack fear of your own feelings, (what I call, internal balance,) the more you will be able to release and replenish yourself.

Four Steps to Better Internal Balance:

1.   If you notice that you begin to feel sad, angry, or empty while interacting with another person, change your posture and take a breath in the the nose and out through the mouth, slowly.
2.  Name the emotion. It sounds simple, but naming it tames it, to paraphrase noted Interpersonal Neurobiology psychiatrist, Daniel Siegel. Take a breath.
3.  Notice how you feel in your palms and feet. Wiggle your toes. Focus on areas of warmth and coolness in your body. Take another breath.
4.  Change your focus and think about what you love in your life. Chocolate cake, the recent positive interaction with your partner, a walk you went on in Forest Park with your pet, Mushroom. Anything. The purpose is to reconnect with who you are to re-stabilize yourself.

This four-part exercise also works well even when you’re not an Empath but are feeling overwhelmed by an interaction with another person. Notice that I mention moving, breathing, and focusing your attention on your body. The purpose of this is to activate the part of your brain that is involved in sensation which grounds you both in your body and the present moment. I ask you to put a label on what you feel to invite the part of your mind that can strategize and plan, and lastly, I ask you to think of who you are to invite positive experiences into the interaction and ground you in yourself and your life. This is all purposeful! And, it works. 

If you would like individual help with this, I’m happy to meet for a consultation or individual therapy.  More blog posts to come on this topic.

References

Elaine Aron, (1997). The Highly Sensitive Person.

Antonio Damasio (2000). The Feeling of What Happens: Body and Emotion in the Making of Consciousness

Marco Iacoboni (2008). Mirroring People: The New Science of How We Connect With Others

Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist who helps warm and expressive people find balance, meaning, and empowerment in their lives.

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

Keywords: empathy, empath, connection, power of connections, healing, community, women, highly sensitive people, boundaries, balance, trust, creativity, intuition.