à “How do I fully receive his hug and
know that his arms have been around someone else’s body? How do I make sense of
this?”
à “She allowed someone else to break
into our lives, and change who we are forever. How do I forgive her?”
à “He lied to me when he could have told
the truth. I thought we were so close. I thought he trusted me. How can I
forgive him?”
à “She believed him not me, even though
she knows I would never lie to her. It happens every time! How can I get past
this and move on?”
Such
good questions. Betrayal can take all forms: from childhood, with current
family dynamics, with friends, or in romantic relationships, and, it is always
emotional because you don’t feel betrayed unless you have felt hope and/or
closeness.
When
you feel betrayed, you might feel confused. You might try to figure it out in
your mind, but that doesn’t work, and only makes your emotions bigger.
You
might feel like someone who’s been robbed of stuff: not only of what you
thought you had with this person, but also of what you were able to do before
it happened.
Betrayal,
by its nature, means that you were robbed of your ability to change what
happened and make it better.
You
might want to undo it, pretend it never happened, or that it didn’t hurt you as
much as it did. No one wants to feel vulnerable. And, there is nothing that
makes you feel vulnerable like betrayal.
And,
yet, a huge part of moving through betrayal is re-learning how to relate to the
part of you that felt betrayed.
And,
to do that, you have to face the feelings of anger, confusion, and hurt you
feel.
Whenever
I work with people who have felt betrayed by people they care about, there’s a
lot of shock: “How could this happen? Why did this happen?”
Then,
the anger storms in. “Why?! Why did this happen to me? I’ve been a good
_______.”
Protesting
what happened is a normal stage. You’re trying to make sense of this all,
create meaning of what happened. Because the thinking is, “If I figure it out
this time, maybe it won’t happen again.”
Because people feel so fragile (and who wants to feel that way?!), when they’re betrayed, there’s a lot of trying to figure stuff out, and planning ahead.
Because people feel so fragile (and who wants to feel that way?!), when they’re betrayed, there’s a lot of trying to figure stuff out, and planning ahead.
And,
there’s bargaining, “If I figure this out, and prevent it, maybe it never
happened.”
Shock,
anger, bargaining – these are all stages in grief, according to the famous
psychologist, Kubler-Ross. And, it’s true.
Betrayal
induces a form of grieving: deep sadness. Grieving not only for what happened,
but for what didn’t happen: the Big L: Loyalty, a great component of Love.
There
can be this great sense of shame that takes over: “If only I were good enough,
this wouldn’t have happened. If only I had done the right things, he would have
treated me better. If only I’d been a better kid…” Shame is a cousin to
perfectionism. While you know this, I’ll just say it, there is no perfect. No
one needs you to be perfect. It’s not your fault.
Even
if you could have done things better in some way, you didn’t deserve to be
betrayed. You deserve to have people treat you with respect, be honest with
you, and be loyal to you. Everyone deserves this!
Shame
can lead to vulnerability, which can lead to fear. There can be a temptation
when you’ve been hurt to wall up. That’s okay. Just don’t do it forever. Most
people are not out to betray you, even if they hurt your feelings (usually on
accident).
So,
how do you move through this? That’s a big question for a multi-layered, big
experience. But, I want to offer a few suggestions:
1. Label it. Admit to yourself
that you have been betrayed. Be honest with yourself! You deserve that. Denial is not just a river…
2. Acknowledge your
feelings, and feel them. Write about them, talk about them, let yourself feel what
you feel. There is nothing broken or wrong about seeing the situation and yourself as less than steel.
3. Tell other people. Let others hear
about it. Not only does it help to open up, but it reminds you that you can trust others. It also prevents shame from rearing
its ugly head and telling you that somehow you created this situation.
4. Offer support to the
hurt part of yourself. What age do you feel when you think about this betrayal?
Usually people see a younger kid. Imagine that you’re providing support to the
kid inside you. Ask her or him what s/he needs. Offer a hug (and visualize
hugging your younger self). If it helps, look at a picture of yourself from
this age. J
5.
Remember times when you have felt
hurt and gotten through it. This is about remembering your ability to pick
yourself back up. This is not about saying that what happened was okay, or that
you’re suppressing your mad-sad feelings. This is about resiliency and knowing
you can make it through this hard time, even if you wish it hadn’t happened.
6. Seek
out support/talk to your therapist. It can be hard to cope with sadness,
hurt, shock, and anger AND live your regular life. And, it’s often helpful to
have someone outside your life listen, provide feedback, and remind you of how far you've come.
#loyalty #betrayal #connection #relationships #healing #wellness #affairs #trust #childhood #love
#loyalty #betrayal #connection #relationships #healing #wellness #affairs #trust #childhood #love
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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with kind and expressive adults seeking greater understanding, meaning, and connection in their lives.