The Sun Inside You: Moving Beyond the Void

"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.  And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back” ~ Albert Camus 

Sometimes, when you’re working hard on something in life, it feels like winter. Not the get cold then feel cozy and warm, hot chocolate treat kind of feeling. But, the "I don’t know if I’ve ever been warm,” kind of feeling. 

Sanaya Roman, in her book, Personal Power Through Awareness (1986) calls this “entering into the void." This is the place where dreams come from, where potential resides. But when you’re in it, it feels colorless, empty, flat, and complex at once, like when you have one of those 5-day colds. It feels like an eternity. 

I won’t give you a simplified explanation or trick, but I will say, it won’t last forever. 

Here are some simple steps to re-enter your life and yourself with greater kindness and depth.

The first step is to acknowledge that you are not the void. Let me repeat this: You are not the void. You are yourself, far more complex than any emptiness. 

The second step is to allow the emptiness. No push or resistance. This just is. Let yourself make room for all feeling, including no feeling.

Now, see if you can sense any other feelings underneath the loudest feelings. Sometimes, numbness is the loudest. But, it’s not necessarily the most true or even the most prevalent. Listen. Hear the other feelings. Is there a tiny ping of some hope? A sense of calm underneath the noise of sad?

Notice it. 

Now, bring some warmth to yourself. Actually picture yourself on a sunny day, perhaps the beach, feeling the sun on your arms, on your back, the warm wind on your face. 

Bring that sun inside you. 

Imagine that you’re glowing from the inside, a soft rosy sun. Let the sun expand from the inside of your chest and heart and surround you. Feel the light as love.

If you’d like, imagine a stream of golden light cascading over your head, filling you and sweeping over you. 

Breathe in the light. 

You don’t need to force anything. Whatever you feel, you feel. Let it be. But, know that just as the winter resides inside you, so too does the power to transform it! 

#down #sadness #depression #change #hope #connection #psychotherapy #mindfulness 

#visualization #power #spirituality #transitions #visualization #transformation #energy #psychology

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a licensed psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with kind and expressive people on the path to greater hope, joy, and connection. 

Mattering

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Even though she said the nicest things to me, I just can’t believe them,”  **Kara whispered. “I’m embarrassed. I should be able to receive compliments, right? I mean, she told me I was strong and that she loved my energy. But, what do I say back to that? …Thank you?”

Kara blinked as though in impossibly bright light, clearly trying to process what she had heard. Even as she repeated it to me, I had the sense that she hadn’t fully heard it. Not in a body sense. And, that’s part of how I listen as a therapist.

As I listened, my whole body tensed, especially my core, while my legs felt jumpy, like I wanted to run. I wondered if Kara felt the same way.  I often use my own body as a tuning fork, listening to what’s happening (between me and other people) through feeling and sensation. I had the sense that Kara was feeling lots of things, and that she was also kind of frozen in the moment.

I asked the classic therapist question, “What are you feeling right now?”

“I’m not sure. I feel embarrassed that I can’t receive compliments. Part of me wants to hide, but that’s silly isn’t it? She said some really nice things to me!”

I understand this wish to hide the embarrassment of not knowing how to respond but feeling like you should know. It's kind of like the strict inner parent part of the self who cares about holding it all together judging the hidden inner kid (Aww! J ).

When this happens, I always feel compassion, and I often suggest we attend to the nonverbals, the physical sensations and emotional feelings before the thoughts or beliefs. This is technically called, “bottom-up processing” style in psychology. Feelings begin in the body as sensations, and when you listen gently, the intensity falls away. You realize you can handle what’s happening, even if it’s complex.

“What are you sensing?” I asked.

“It’s hard. I mean,” and she waved her hand around her face. “I don’t have the words. “I want. I want to be able to hear what people say, when they say nice things. But, something happens. I can’t take – it in. My whole body, my mind goes blank. I keep running through what she said in my mind, but – nothing happens. It doesn’t go in.”

I could see that she was again getting lost in the feeling.

I suggested that she lower her eyes, and notice the wish to hide, and the wish to both run and know at once. She nodded. “It does feel like I want to run and hide.” I encouraged her to imagine that, but that didn’t feel fully true since she also wanted to stay -- to be there for the compliment.

But, in order to be there for the compliment, she first had to stay with her own experience and be there with herself – have a place for the compliment to truly land inside herself.

One of the ways I work with people is to find more balance between difficult feelings and places of calm within themselves. I often suggest people remember memories of being in the woods or by the beach because they bring up an almost automatic sense of peace. And, when you’re remembering the ocean or the woods, all of your senses are engaged, and, you can make space within yourself to slow down.

She had recently gone to the beach, and I encouraged her to remember how the waves looked on the shore, how blue they were, and what a wonderful day it had been. Immediately, her body relaxed. Her face softened.

“Notice the waves against the shore, their rhythm,” I said. 

She paused, appearing almost dreamy.

“Let yourself find your own inner rhythm, as though you are the waves. You are the wind against the ocean.” She began breathing with ease.

Later, she realized she felt she had to match the intensity of the compliment or respond with the same level back, which felt impossible in the moment.

Lots of people feel like this. 

It’s as though there is nothing you can say to match the level of feeling or to feel that you’re worthy of receiving such praise! The very thought of someone saying something nice brings up a lot of baggage – a lot of fears around believing that you can matter to people.

The subject of “mattering” was first named in the 1980’s. And, it’s been found to be integrally connected to self-efficacy, self-confidence, and the capacity to do feel you can make a difference in the world. It’s also the sense that you can connect meaningfully to others, that you matter to them. Letting yourself matter to others (or others matter to you) means trusting them. It’s trusting that they really know you, and that if you trust them, they won’t leave you. This is hard.

For those who grew up in families where they weren’t praised, compliments can feel pretty foreign. And, for those who grew up not being seen or known for who they were, but for what they did, it’s especially anxiety-provoking. Do they really know you? Can they really see you? What if they're just putting you on? What if they really knew you? And, once you have the sense that they do see you,  what do you do with being seen so deeply like this?

This can produce feelings much like Kara experienced: a little in shock, overwhelmed, overdoing a thank you (because the feelings don’t feel real yet), and feeling stuck replaying the situation over and over, trying to process it, even though it “should” be a positive experience.

Do you know this feeling?

Many people do. 

The amazing thing is it’s possible to change this feeling over time.

As Kara connected with the feeling of the water and her time at the beach, we brought back the feeling of the compliment. It’s best to go back and forth between intensity and calm, when you’re trying to ground yourself.

“Let yourself soften. Start with your chest. Let yourself feel just a tiny, tiny bit of the compliment, and the moment it becomes too much, remember the waves.”

As she went back and forth between the compliment and the waves, her body relaxed.  

“I can feel it now,” she said calmly. “That was a really kind thing she said. I know what to say now.” And, she grinned. 

The compliment had landed!

Elliott, Gregory; Kao, Suzanne; Grant, Ann-Marie (2004). Mattering: Empirical Validation of a Social-Psychological Concept. Self and Identity, 3: 339–354, 2004 

**(Please note that Kara is a composite of people, not one person).

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist who loves to work with kind and expressive people seeking greater empowerment, meaning, connection, and aliveness.

#compliments #self-worth #connection #trust #belonging #selfesteem #relationships #friendships #somatic #mindbody #psychotherapy #mindfulness 

Belonging: Poems from the Trees

I've been thinking a lot about the way many of us relate to nature as though to our own hearts. It's a way to find home. Not only in the world but in ourselves. You know that feeling when you enter the woods? (I'm thinking of Forest Park in Portland, Oregon, here). 

It's as though you've stepped into a hushed and misty space of trickling water and trees slanted in light that is almost other-worldly. It's hard to believe that one foot back was the regular, bright sunny world of cars and appointments. 

But, there it is! 

And, when you think about it, visualize it, write about it, (as I've done in my poems below), something can emerge in you, can light up as though it's always been there. Because it has. When you look inside, there is peace. There is the green, the hushed stillness, and the fragile, bright light. Take a moment, if you're willing. Pause. And, allow your inner forests to awaken. 

You Matter

The language of the heart resides in nature. 

When you feel lost, go to the woods.

When you feel forgotten, find the trees.

They will listen. 

Bring back their stories. 

Their bark holds great wisdom. 

Their roots are your roots. 

They have been there. So, now, are you.

The wind in their leaves is a messenger.

It speaks of change and being.

It speaks of what it is to last 

and to surrender at once.

When you wonder if you matter, 

let your soles touch the earth.

Let your heart find home.

This is matter. This is belonging. 

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Belonging: A Poem from the Trees

Opening to the mystery of bee song,

wooded path and

Spring!

(We can be happy here).

Misty tree in the freshest forest,

unfurling fern and hazy light.

There are deer in the distance

pausing to sip water

pausing to join the forest

in its awakening;

you can feel them 

listening.

Be still. Listen. 
You can hear with your whole body.

You can feel the mist lifting,

the ferns unfurling,

the motes of dust singing their song in the earliest of dawn.

Even drifters find belonging here.

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with people who are seeking empowerment, interconnectedness, and the aliveness of being.