Nora looks around anxiously as her boyfriend, Mark sniffs, then tastes his coffee. She holds her breath. Does he like it? What if he doesn't? Should she offer to make more? He's very particular about his coffee and is sure taking a long time to respond! Without realizing it, she's so focused on whether he likes it or not, that she feels tense all through her body. Anxiously, she takes a sip from her own coffee without really tasting it. She can't decide what she feels or thinks as she watches his face.
"It's fine," he says, turning to her with a face that's hard to read, trying to decide which Netflix program they should watch. As his thoughts turn toward watching, "Dracula" or "brothers & sisters," Nora watches his face for signs of happiness or displeasure. Sometimes, when he's upset, there is a crease between his eyebrow and his eye. His mouth is level, not frowning, not smiling. Sometimes, he smiles when he drinks coffee.
Should she offer to make more coffee? The French Press is different from the Aeropress, that special espresso maker he seems to love that she can never figure out how to use. She feels anxious. Her stomach is knotted, and she's biting her bottom lip, just like Aunt Sarah.
It's Sunday morning, an easy day, but it doesn't feel like it. She scans their kitchen with tension, wondering what else could be causing that tension in his face. "I'm sorry I haven't done the dishes yet from last night," she says softly, hoping to please him, hoping to show him that she works hard and cares about them as a couple. She keeps her voice soft, trying to be warm and interested in him while secretly feeling tense.
Without even realizing why, Mark is absentmindedly rubbing his head, feeling suddenly anxious himself. He can't figure out why. "It's fine. I haven't done them either. We can do them when we want. It's our house!" They laugh together, both feeling uneasy; Mark because of the feeling of anxiety in Nora, and Nora because of the fear of doing something wrong. She checks in again with him: "Are you sure you like the coffee?"
He raises his eyebrows. Mark is Midwestern. Though he comes from a loving background where his parents occasionally argued in front of him and his sister, there wasn't a lot of discussion of feelings. He can tell there's tension between them, but he doesn't know why, and he certainly isn't going to bring it up! His MO is to let these things pass and move on.
Even if he didn't come from a Midwestern background, he might still pick up on the tension between them through his mirror neurons. These are neurons in our brain which mimic what people in front of us are feeling and give us the same feelings, even if we weren't experiencing them before. These neurons activate when we see a TV show, when we're watching someone express sadness, and especially when someone we love is upset.
Nora is the daughter of a mother with Narcissism. Because Narcissists play games and never say what they really mean, Nora feels fearful when she can't tell what Mark (or others) feel. She bases a lot of her identity, and therefore, a lot of her life on whether the people in her life are okay. It's hard for her to figure out what she needs, much less ask for it. And, showing feelings is even harder, especially if she feels that the other person is upset.
As a kid, she never knew when her mother might erupt into a sea of anger and make fun of her or her sister when they were sad. Though Nora often didn't understand why, her mother often blamed her own anger on Nora or her sister. Nora learned to hide her real feelings and wants desperately to please others to prevent that from happening again. When someone doesn't show a lot of emotion, she feels scared. She studies others' faces to figure out how she should act because her focus is on other people's reactions rather than her own. Subconsciously, she's trying to prevent the hardship she experienced as a kid from happening as an adult. And, that makes sense.
What she really means when she asks whether the coffee is okay, is "Are you okay?" which means, "Are we okay?" which means, " Can I relax and move on to the next thing, or do I need to stay where I am and feel worried?" which means, "Will you leave me or attack me if I'm not okay?" Ultimately, "Am I okay?"
A lot of Nora's focus is on doing things perfectly to avoid anger or scrutiny -- especially her own judgment. Though she's good at making big decisions, she frequently finds herself asking other people about what she should do in certain situations. And, she worries all the time that other people, especially those close to her, are not happy with her. This causes a lot of anxiety and internal pressure. It also prevents people like Nora from focusing on what's actually happening, trusting that others want to be with her because of who she is rather than what she does for them, and trusting that conflict does not equal abandonment.
Adults who come from backgrounds where their parent/s are addicted or Narcissistic learn early to focus on the external world (e.g. what needs to be done; who's upset), and other people's needs, feelings and satisfaction rather than on their own internal experiences: feelings, opinions, and knowledge (e.g. what do I need in this moment?).
This is because their very safety and, often the safety of others in the family is determined by how okay someone else is. This is about survival. Unfortunately, later on, when others' survival is not the question, these same skills pervade.
Without realizing it, Adult Children of Narcissists take these survival skills into their relationships with friends, partners, and even acquaintances, even if these new relationships are with people who are healthy or healthier than their parents. It is common to attract someone who is self-involved or who takes Adult Children's behavior for granted.
And, it is not uncommon for these adults to feel uneasy in life all the time, worrying about whether they're doing things "right," fearing others' disapproval, holding themselves to very high standards, with little room for mistakes. Scanning the environment for signs of danger (a parent who is unhappy or drunk or making a scene), is a skill which aided them in their childhoods but which increases anxiety later.
There are good things that come out of over-attentiveness and pleasing others: a tendency to know and understand others; a feeling of genuine compassion and kindness towards others, an ability to observe what needs to happen and to make that happen at a social gathering or event, and a capacity to create strong connections. Typically, there's a strong focus on doing things right, working until you figure things out, and following through, which means Adult Children are usually good at their jobs, great at fitting in and hiding dissatisfaction, but may feel known only for what they do not who they are. There can be such a strong feeling of loneliness, that if people only knew who you really were, they'd run.
And, there can be intense pressure internally to fit everything into one's schedule: all the things this person needs to do for someone else to make sure they're satisfied (not even happy, per se), and all the things the Adult Child has to do to be successful. And, it can be hard to tell: do you want to do this because you fear disapproval of the person you're with or because you love her or him? That's a pretty big difference. The first increases stress and resentment while the second creates energy.
Adult children often fear disapproval from the people they love. And, if the other person is upset, it can feel pretty uncomfortable. This may feel irrational. And, yet, if you're used to pleasing others, it can feel very natural.
Let's go back to Nora for a second. What is she really needing?
That would be the first question I'd pose to her. What do you need right now to know that things are okay? Can you relax, even a little bit, as you acknowledge to yourself that it's not the past, that Mark isn't your mother? What is his likely response? This is about matching up response with context. So often, the present gets confused with the past in our minds when we, as people, feel triggered.
Continuing on with Nora, the work in therapy would be about recognizing when she feels the need to please, working on tolerating the discomfort of not pleasing, all the while, being kind to herself about why she's feeling it.
This takes time.
The building of trust happens slowly, as Adult Children learn to talk about what's real, are open about their real feelings, allow themselves to be imperfect, and discover that they don't have to go about life alone.
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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with warm and expressive adults who want to feel more at home in themselves and the world.
Keywords: ACOA, Narcissism, childhood, parent, pleasing, codependency, healing, relationships.
