Autumn: The Gift of Loss

It's autumn again. How did this happen? My acupuncturist says this is the time of loss, of constriction, so if you're feeling a bit sad, that's normal. Have you been feeling a bit down? It's the time when we lose precious vitamin D here in the Northwest, and when we start curling up with a good book instead of being outside, and when night begins by 6. It's dark. 

Longing for the light won't bring it back.

But, if you can allow yourself to settle into what's cozy in your life, or meaningful, it helps.

What if losing something isn't a loss but a gain, if we just look at it right? Like the chance to get cozy, especially if we have enough warmth in our lives in other ways. Then, goodbye isn't empty or loss but the next step of something wonderful to come. It's surrendering. 

What have you been longing to surrender that has felt like loss? 
Who would you be if you let go? 
What gifts can come of this?

In contrast, what are the ways you experience the feeling of coziness in your life? Of love?

Isn't it amazing how a season can bring up such strong emotion? 

Here is a poem by Mary Oliver that speaks of preparing for that great change in seasons, of fall as a willingness to release -- like a gift -- what has been long held. How lovely! Enjoy.

Song for Autumn by Mary Oliver

In the deep fall
don’t you imagine the leaves think how
comfortable it will be to touch
the earth instead of the
nothingness of air and the endless
freshets of wind? And don’t you think
the trees themselves, especially those with mossy,
warm caves, begin to think

of the birds that will come — six, a dozen — to sleep
inside their bodies? And don’t you hear
the goldenrod whispering goodbye,
the everlasting being crowned with the first
tuffets of snow? The pond
vanishes, and the white field over which
the fox runs so quickly brings out
its blue shadows. And the wind pumps its
bellows. And at evening especially,
the piled firewood shifts a little,
longing to be on its way.

Less is More, Except When It's Not: An Insider's View From the Therapy Chair

Marianne looked up at me with relief, "I'm so happy you talk! My last therapist never said anything, and I could never tell what she was feeling." Such is the response of an extroverted client with an extroverted therapist! 

On the other hand, I also hear things like, "I'm so relieved that you understand why I think better when not making as much eye contact." Or, "I'm glad you understand why I need time to think about what I feel after we've talked for a bit."

As an extroverted therapist with an introverted partner, I am well aware of my way of being in the world. From an introvert's perspective, I talk A LOT. From an extrovert's perspective, I talk a normal amount! ;) 

This is because I think by talking. That's right, introverts! I think while talking and through our conversation, I learn a lot about what I think.  In therapy, I often will think through what I'm going to say. But, what I often do is play through the possibilities in what might be best to say based on what's happening for my client. Privately. This takes work!

But, for an introverted therapist, it's easy to do this! I'm so jealous! Well, impressed!

Introverts, in a world that's predominately extroverted, often feel overwhelmed by the amount of talking, visual stimulation, and processing. That's part of why it's necessary to retract, read, be in nature, or stare at the computer/tv for a while, to lessen the impact of everything being taken in too fast.

I've seen that "special stare" on my partner's face after I've been talking with enthusiasm, and my partner has taken in all that's possible in that moment. You introverts out there know what I mean! And, it's essential to tell people that you need down time to think about what's been said!

On the flip side, however, for extroverts who see introverted therapists, they may feel that their therapist doesn't respond strong enough or with enough words. They may feel lonely. They may feel a lack of warmth or a feeling that they're "too much." Meanwhile, their therapist might be feeling or thinking a lot, but on the inside! This is a common but never talked about issue.

I'm not sure why. 

It could be because we have a history of Freudian therapy wher the "patient" was expected to do all the talking. Or, maybe it's because the public doesn't know what to expect from a therapist, and, my guess is it's because most therapists are introverts. If you know the Myers-Briggs, most therapists are either INFPs or INFJ's, which, coincidentally, are minorities in the world. 

Most people are extroverts and being an NF (which I am, but an extroverted one), is a special category of a person who thinks and feels deeply, and analyzes this. It's great as a therapist!

When I'm with extroverted clients, we talk back and forth quickly. There's a lot of energy in the room! This is lively, though sometimes, I'm aware that we might miss some of that lovely slowness and awareness that gets generated by introverts who get energy from being alone and are often good at patience and examining layers of being.

When I'm with introverted clients, I actively slow myself down and get in touch with these layers. I try to use fewer words and often limit the amount of eye contact or turn my chair to allow for more physical space between me and my clients. When the person I'm working with is deep-feeling, we might exchange more through eye contact rather than words and there is so much depth! I love this.

I learn a lot from my clients, and examining these wonderful differences is one thing.

As a therapist, I encourage everyone out there to consider these differences and talk about them, especially if you feel you need MORE (talking or emotion or action) or   LESS    stimulation in therapy and in life. ;)

P.S. Marianne is made-up, but is based on real answers I've received from extroverted clients.

P.P.S. If an introverted therapist wrote this, there would be fewer exclamation marks, and, it would be 3 sentences long! ;)

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is an integrative psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with people seeking greater inspiration, connection, and empowerment in their lives.