Knowing What You Need

In my last blog article, I talk about knowing what your needs and feelings are in order to fulfill those instead of acting on a quick fix (after hours of stress or ignoring your needs). However, this can be difficult if you don't know how to put them into words.

So, I've created a list of needs, and also am including links to the Nonviolent Communication website, that includes very thorough lists of feelings and needs (no need to reinvent the wheel!).

Some of these needs might overlap with other needs at the same time, or they might cover an underlying need (e.g. control might be what you think you need, while safety is what you really need).

A Need For:  
Love
Belonging
Acceptance 
Connection
Comfort
Respect
Inspiration
Creativity
Harmony
Wholeness
Completion
Health/Exercise
Home
Physical well-being: food/water/shelter/bathing/sleep
Balance 
Order
Amusement
To be seen/known
Meaning
Solace
Activity
Calm
Peace
Joy
Accomplishment
For someone to be proud of you
Healing
Space/Autonomy
Learning
Adventure
Excitement 
Control
Hope
Safety

Nonviolent Communication list: https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory
http://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory

Okay, want to try something?

Choose three needs that stand out to you.
Close your eyes. 
Take a deep breath, slowly, in and out. 
Now, ask yourself, "Do I have a need for____________?" 
Notice how it feels to ask yourself what you're needing. See what arises. 
Think of one way to fulfill each need. 
See how your answers change, based on the day. :)

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a licensed psychologist in Portland, OR who delights in working with warm and expressive people seeking full-self wellness.
 

When Life Gets in the Way: The Way Back to Yourself

Kara was up all night working on a paper; the next morning, she grabs a blueberry muffin and a coffee and goes all day, forgetting to eat. She’s caught up in the busy-ness of her schedule and doesn’t realize it until she’s starving. 

By night fall, she’s exhausted, mentally and physically, and shakily hungry but instead of going home and facing more homework, she decides, on a whim to go out with friends for drinks. She stays out late. By the next morning, she’s exhausted again. She gets up and before class, works on another assignment that she put off two weeks ago because she was too exhausted to do it then.  She can’t wait for the weekend, because the week feels so long and she’s beat! She also has a headache and feels irritable. She gets in a fight with her girlfriend because her girlfriend doesn’t appreciate all she’s been doing around their apartment. She’s been trying to please everyone and she feels burnt out. She calls her mom who has always been critical. Yup: same mom! 

Afterwards, she feels worse than she did before she made the call. She doesn’t feel like she can sleep because she has so much to do, but she can’t focus either. She feels blah, frustrated, disconnected, and so tired. She doesn’t feel like texting anyone but she also feels lonely and down. How is she supposed to finish everything that needs to be done?

What does Kara need?

From the outside, it looks like she needs sleep and a good schedule. From the inside, though, Kara might need to slow down and take care some of her basic needs before moving forward, even though that’s the last thing her schedule warrants.

So many of us turn to instant gratification when we ignore our basic needs and this just makes our lives worse. We become more stressed.

We do some thing rather than the right thing. We do the thing that will momentarily, we think, make us feel better in the moment, because doing is often better than just sitting with the feeling. But, this often sets us up to feel worse later. And, the longer we wait for what we originally wanted, the more we feel pressured from the inside to insert something that’s not good for us, something familiar or easy.

The upshot?

There are going to be times when you feel too pressured by life, by what needs to be done to put your needs first. But, this doesn’t mean that you can’t do the second-best thing (like carrying healthy snacks with you).

Are you the kind of person who needs to be in pain, or starving to feel what you’re feeling?

If so, try putting yourself on a schedule, like eating every 4 hours and drink 1 glass of water an hour. See if you can notice your hunger before it takes a hold of you!

The best way to notice your needs is to create time for yourself to feel them.

When you feel irritated/frustrated or overwhelmed, stop and ask yourself, “How am I doing? What do I really need?”

Many times we insert food or caffeine, alcohol, or pleasing others where sleep, connection, and down time are really needed.

The next time you reach for that fill-in-the-blank, ask yourself, if that’s really what you want, or if there’s something deeper there. Stop. Take the time to listen to yourself.

The best way to change a habit is to interrupt it long enough to observe it. Then, you can change it.

Think now: Do you insert coffee/tea/exercise/work/alcohol/trying to please when you need to slow down, take time for yourself, be in nature, or connect?

The irony is that the more you make time for yourself and take care of your real needs, the more energy you have for yourself, your goals, and for doing what you love!

Steps:

1.       Identify the need (for food, water, sleep, downtime, connection, learning, excitement).

2.      Ask yourself, “What can I do to fill this need?”

3.      Insert something satisfying or secondarily-satisfying (eg for connection: texting friends instead of going out with them)

4.      Notice how you feel long-term. Know that this doesn't have to be perfect. You don't have to be perfect. Sometimes, accepting this fact alone can make a difference!

Chances are, you're going to feel more centered and energetic, with more time for yourself and others in your life!

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Dr. Heather Schwartz is a licensed psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with warm and expressive people who want to experience more inspiration, empowerment, and connection in their lives.