When to Push It

Ahh, push it, push push push push it!

I’m talking about the gym, for those minds in the gutter right now, (or, if you’re under 35, you might not know what song I mean). :)

So, I was at the gym, running, trying to push beyond the wave of nausea that had sprung up – a wave of a returning cold that’s been going around – and because I was at first frustrated by this, and the fact that I hadn't been the gym that week (yadda yadda), I decided that instead of stopping or slowing down like I usually do when I get low warning signs (like nausea, chest tightness, or hives), I would speed up.

How many of us do this? Speed up when we might need to slow down because we think we can, because we're feeling something we don't want to feel?

At first, I was triumphant. The wave of I’m-going-to-be-sick passed. "Yay! It worked!"I told myself. I got a flush of energy, and then in its place, suddenly, arose a feeling of the world moving in and out.

Not good. 

I stopped. And, because I stopped, I lost my momentum and had to slowly build up to where I’d begun.

You might ask yourself how this has to do with you…

Well, I ask you:

* Is your tendency to stop or push past warning signs in your life?

* What are your warning signs that you are going too fast? 

**Think about internal warning signs like fatigue, or external ones, like your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner complaining that you never seem available or really present when you are in the room!

* Do you tend to add on additional activities when you actually need to slow down, in an attempt to distract yourself from unwanted feelings?

There may be times in your life, when you have to push past negative feelings or make a deadline, but I ask you to think through if that deadline should be all the time.

How would your life be if you slowed down?  

Tip:

If your tendency is to slow down when you feel the slightest uneasiness, experiment with adding one (ONE) thing to your day and track your feelings.

If your tendency is to add more activities, especially to distract yourself from your feelings, subtract one thing to your day and track your feelings. 

Are you better at what you do? More present? Enjoying more of life? 

That’s the goal! :)

Crawling Into a Hole vs Turning Inward

*Marie (not her real name) came to see me because of job stress as an executive, the ending of her relationship of 9 years, and the wish, at 35, to find "something of meaning" in her life. 

Each day, she plodded through meetings and details while going home to the end of her relationship to a man she loved but could no longer live with. Jerry wasn't abusive, (that would have made it easier); he'd just stopped growing. She wanted more. Though they'd sought out couples counseling, it became clear that the next step was not marriage (perhaps that's why it had taken so long to even think about that), but something else. She thought it might be the end.

As we began to talk, she realized that she'd continued trying to expand her life as though none of this inner life was happening, trying to connect with people she and they knew together as a couple, but this didn't feel authentic. Not fully. And, this was partly because she'd been living half her life in her head. Staying with Jerry, she realized, was not true to who she was, nor who she could be, but the thought of leaving him produced similar feelings of despair and anxiety. Who was she? What was her life without him? She'd always written poetry and had been an English major in college, but she'd left that to create a life with Jerry, and a livelihood of business, which felt stabler to her at the time. But, what had she given up? And, if she tried, could she bring this energy back into the relationship? Would there be room for her?

In Humanistic-Existential therapy, one focus is on what creates meaning for your life. Who are you? What gives your life meaning? What do you want for yourself, beyond things? Where is the balance between expansion and constriction of energy? Greater involvement in life is of the essence.

Part of the therapy's focus is for therapist and client to both be present to what is going in the the client's life as well as what's happening in the room. As noted Existential-Humanistic theorist and author, James Bugental writes, "presence is the quality of being in a situation or relationship in which one intends at a deep level to participate as fully as [one] is able."

As a therapist, I ask myself, "How much should I talk vs share my thoughts? Will talking increase expansion and is this helpful to the person who's sitting across from me? Is it time to share or is it time for the person, if I'm quiet, to find some silence, space, or  treasure inside herself?"

Many clients feel the need to constrict themselves and their emotions before feeling expansive. As we enter Autumn, the amber season, the time of turning from warmth to coolness, sunlight to shade and dark nights, this is a time of turning inward, feeling the areas of our lives that are cold and need to be warmed. Within this turning within, there is an awareness of choice and of freedom. What do you choose for your life?

Marie realized that she'd given up her quiet in favor of talking, but the talking with Jerry had no content, no place to go -- further. She began to listen to herself, to write more, to take long walks to gather her thoughts, mulling them over throughout the week, writing about them and bringing them to therapy, like treasures. She described therapy as a sort of "crawl space, maybe a hole... but it feels right" Some place where she could stay hidden until she was ready to come out. She realized that she needed to go slow, even put her head down, metaphorically, to allow for enough energy for all the ways she hoped to change, and was changing. An incubation period. Therapy, in this way, became a hidey-hole. A way of turning inward so she could hear her thoughts more clearly.

Sometimes, nesting or nestling in, is necessary to hear your inner thoughts and to make changes. Constriction may be needed before expansion of your vital energy can be savored and shared with others. I think of this almost like the stuffed animals that my dogs bury in the backyard to save for later, tasting better than before now that the soft fluff flavor is deepened by the toasty flavor of backyard dirt. ;)

As Marie changed, so did her need to stay hidden. She described feeling, "more myself." She experienced increased energy in general. Not the frantic energy of before, but something more fluid and vital to who she was. She began to write more, and talk from the center of herself, with presence. I could really feel her with me when we talked. Her relationship with Jerry shifted as did her relationship with friends and family. She described feeling more alive and awake. 

While this was and continues to be a process for Marie, there is a centering, a place that you can come to, in the middle of yourself, if you listen to what needs to be heard. It's from this place of stillness that beautiful ways of being begin to bloom. 

**** Think now: 

What in your life needs shelter?

This could be an aspect of your life or a skill you're trying to develop.

Could going slower with intention and awareness create greater room for its arrival? Sometimes softening about the pressure, the need for a certain timeline helps.

As you bring to mind/body/heart an area of your life you're trying to make peace with, imagine you have a secret enclave to go to. Make it lovely and safe: a comfortable sofa, your feet up, a warm drink easily within your reach. And, now in your mind's eye and in your heart, give yourself all the time you need, all the gentleness you might desire, to turn inward.

*****************
* Permission to write about this therapy anecdote was received by the author.

Heather Schwartz, Psy.D. is a relational (aka Humanistic), and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland, Oregon who delights in seeing adult clients seeking full self wellness.

Push and Push Harder

So, in my last article, I talked about freezing and freedom (vis a vis expectation of success). One of the ways the brain handles stress is to go into freeze mode.

This is the quintessential bunny facing a bear move.  The brain says, "Oh, sh*t! There's nothing I can do!" and the body says, "I'll just freeze and hope the bad thing or situation or animal won't see me!"

Freezing is the Amygdala's solution, in addition to fight or flight, to danger. It's a reptilian response, and one that's meant to prevent annihilation.

Freezing may mean complete stillness while fight or flight may mean strong emotional responses or doing the same behavior over and over when threatened emotionally or physically. Psychologist and Emotional IQ expert, Dr. Daniel Goleman calls this "Amygdala Hijack."

An example of this is when people are in a movie theater and someone yells, "Fire!" The response is to push on the exit doors. If the doors won't open, people push harder, rather than thinking through solutions... like, "Maybe I should pull?" 

In danger, the blood flow is in the Amygdala, which controls the response of fight, flight, and freeze rather than in the prefrontal cortex which allows for planning and execution. 

Safety experts have mandated that all theater doors go both ways to prevent people from being locked in, given our natural response in danger to continue what we're doing rather than assess whether it's working or not.

If only life experiences could be like these doors! 

But, they're not.

When you have chronic stress, like stress from family, you might enter flight, fight, or freeze modes more frequently.

Here's the thing: everyone talks about chaotic or difficult childhoods, but few professionals talk about how negative family dynamics may continue into adulthood. Connections with family members may still feel bad.

If you came from a chaotic family, you may still be going through the motions of what you did in the past to cope with the present (regardless of whether the present is better or not).

One of the main things you learn in a chaotic family is that you don't have choices. As a kid, you didn't have choices about your well-being, and yet, if there was chaos around you, the only response suitable might have been to freeze.

As an adult, you have choices, but it may not feel like it, when you go into a protective mode: fight, flight, or freeze.

Freezing is the opposite of choice. 

This is where therapy can be very helpful, slowing things down, reminding you of context (past vs present options), and creating a pathway for change.

8 Suggestions for Breaking Free From Amygdala Hyjack:

1. Identify which situations create strong emotions where you feel out of control or less like yourself.

2. Do you feel like an adult, a teenager, or a child?

3. If you feel younger than an adult, reassure your younger self that you are safe.

4. Identify one way you can change to increase your sense of efficacy.

5. Practice breathing deeply during the day. Asking yourself, "Where is my breath?" when stopped at a stoplight, or in a line at the grocery store, and creating pauses for yourself brings more awareness and self-knowing.

6. Write about the ways you feel triggered and by whom.

7. Do one thing differently each time you interact with someone with whom you feel frozen, in flight or fight. Just one thing. When you're successful at this one thing, add on another.
Remember: will power is changed one step at a time.

8. Have compassion for yourself.

*****
Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland, Oregon.
http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

The Opposite of Freeze is Freedom

"Whenever I feel forced to be creative, I freeze." Solution: Take away the force, and allow the freeze.

That is:

Embrace it. Don't fight it. Allow it.
Bring compassion to it.
And then, from that place of acceptance, do something.

Sometimes, doing something means:

1. No comparisons to other so-called, brilliant people. No comparisons to previous things you've done well. No comparisons to how you felt a moment before you realized you were going to be creative!

2. Act out the freeze. What's its name? Who does it play with? Bring that freeze to life! But, don't ask it to perform. ;)

3. What's the opposite of freeze? (To me, it's freedom, being free and open. It's warmth. Sun. Joy. Laughter. Whatever helps me feel open to possibility). 

4. If the opposite of freezing, slowing down, or stopping is freedom, how do you feel when you're free?

5. Step into a moment in time when you felt free. Visualize it, deeply. What were you wearing? What was the day like? Who were you with? (e.g. A summer day in Laurelhurst park with my dog, running, laughing uproariously as our larger dog leapt into the air and twisted, fell, and wriggled over to me, all 60 lbs of him!). 

6. How does free feel in your body? (e.g. My chest feels more open. I am breathing easily. I have a smile on my face. My thoughts are flowing easily).

6. Now, from this place of free, begin again.

Keywords: creativity, motivation, gestalt, performance anxiety, trust, psychotherapy.

Got Clarity? You Have to See Fuzzy Before You Can See Clearly

Isn't it true that the older you get, the more responsibilities you have? There is no comparison, is there?

Taking care of the kids, pets, running from the gym to paying bills, and going to work all take precedence over going to the beach, reading at your favorite cafe, having a beer or meeting friends for lunch like you used to when you were ummm younger. It can be hard to get free time to just to think much less do something you enjoy.

That said, there are things that MUST be done, and things that can wait. Things you'd like to do, and things you'd rather not. 

Recently, I read a great article in the Harvard Business Review Blog by Bob Frisch about making better decisions by prioritizing. He has surprising advice.

First, he describes how a washing machine company decided that the water needed to be warm when hitting the detergent. Instead of deciding upon an exact temperature, the company decided that warm was hotter than cold and colder than hot. This is called, "fuzzy logic" in math. In other words, it can be helpful to make things foggier before you make them clearer. This is kind of like when you're at the Ophthalmologist and she asks: Better this way? Better that way?

How does this apply to prioritizing? Frisch suggests making to-do lists by dividing your activities into "Should Do" "Must Do" and "Nice To Do" columns.  This helps clarify and distinguish what you need, want, and must do. Then, be sure to check them off! Even when you're checking off the nice to do items, your mind will feel clearer.

Making lists leads to better health, according to experts, including author, Sonya Lyubomirsky, PhD, a psychology professor at UC Riverside who studies happiness (and wrote the book, The How of Happiness). It helps break down what feels huge and overwhelming into manageable pieces, Lyubomirsky says.

When something is incomplete, your mind holds onto it, trying to make sense of it. Offering it up to the page, and then checking it off, releases it. 

It also increases your sense of accomplishment. Recent studies have found that accomplishing a small goal first leads to greater success later. It's called "a small win" by Charles Duhigg, and is described in his new book, The Power of Habit (2012).

You might also find that what you feel is overwhelming in the moment doesn't have to be done today.

The upshot? Keeping a delineated to-do list leads to greater clarity and success.

This is empowering news to those of us whose minds are filled to the brink! 

(And, now, I'm going to go check off "write blog article and tweet it" in my Nice To-Do column! ;) ).

Additional resources for those who want additional reading:

1. " To Get Better Decisions, Get a Little Fuzzy," by Bob Frisch: http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2012/05/to_get_better_decisions_get_a.html

2. The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want, by Sonya Lyubomirsky, Ph.D. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=the+how+of+happiness

  3. The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Love and Work, Charles Duhigg, http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Habit-What-Business/dp/1400069289

4. And, for fun: To-Do List: From Buying Milk to Finding a Soul Mate, What Our Lists Reveal About Us, by Sasha Cagen: http://www.amazon.com/dp/1416534695/ref=rdr_ext_tmb

keywords: performance, motivation, inspiration, to-do lists, health, wellness, procrastination, Success, Studies, Willpower

Our Emotional Heroes

We all need heroes in our lives. I realized this yesterday as I got on the treadmill again. You see, I’ve just begun running (or, jogging, as I should say, given the speed I’m going), and it’s not easy. It is, in fact, a lot like meditating. When I’m fully immersed, there’s a clarity, a stillness, a perfect symmetry of my legs and arms, all of my body moving in synch with the world, and my mind feels very clear. This typically lasts about 2 minutes and then I'm back to trying to find my rhythm and momentum. But, it's something! ;) 

Truth be told, much of my movement is exertion right now because I'm a beginner. I guess you could say that I have beginner's body. ;) And, if I pretend that everything is fine, then I end up fighting myself all the more, kind of like pretending you’re at the beach when you’re at the dentist’s office. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself, the sound of the drill is nothing like the cry of the seagulls! 

The same is true for meditation. Try as you might to “stay calm,” the opposite becomes true. You’re fighting the thoughts instead of just allowing them to float across your mind like clouds across the sky. You’re fighting that sad feeling evoked by reading the news, and when you fight it, it grows. 

As a Vipassana meditator, much of my focus is on my sensations. So, while running, I'm focusing on the ache in my calves, the burn in my lungs, and the tingle when – at last! – I have endorphins swimming through my system like endolphins (ha ha! I’m borrowing this from that old movie, Kissing Jessica Stein). And, then as I notice all of this, the sensations and feelings evaporate. Freedom for a moment! And, then the sensations and thoughts arise again.

I wrote in my last blog article about how meditation and psychotherapy are different. In meditation, as in life, the focus is on accepting everything even if it feels unacceptable. In relational mindfulness psychotherapy, the focus is on acceptance, but also enhancement of positive states of being. In come our heroes! Didn’t you wonder when I was going to bring them in? :) 

So, the issue becomes that if we are having a hard time – in running, meditation, or life – it can be helpful to have what I call, Emotional Heroes. These are people who reflect an aspect of what’s needed in the moment to help you to be your best self.  They're people you can look up to in one way. They don't have to be perfect in every way for one of them to be an emotional hero.

They might be one person or group of people, or a music band that evoke in you the feeling you’re trying to enhance. 

For example, I listen to Green Day when running because their political agenda inspires a passionate part of me that reminds me to fight for people’s rights. Because I believe in fighting for what you believe in, I run harder. I also have my partner who used to run half-marathons as my role model and Stamina Hero for running and love. When I meditate, I think of Tara Brach, my Patience and Meditation Hero.

As a relational therapist who practices from a neuroscience bent, I work with people to use the powerful relationships in their lives to increase their sense of empowerment. Your brain can't tell the difference between what is visualized and what is enacted. So, when you visualize a mentor/hero doing something and then you visualize yourself doing it as well, your body releases chemicals that make your brain think you are actually doing the activity as the peaceful, certain, courageous, joyful person you want to be or as the jogger who runs with ease. This is why visualization is often used in peak performance/sports. 

The verdict here? When you focus on a person who inspires you, you are actively strengthening your brain and your capacity for whatever intention you are trying to actualize.

Think now:

* Who inspires you?

* Who are your heroes? 
* What intentions do you need to invoke in yourself and your life?

* Who is your Patience Hero?

* Your Stamina Hero, (the hero who helps you keep going no matter what?)

* Your Trust Hero?

* Your Courage Hero?

* Your Love Hero? 

When you need to invoke a particular way of being, try to bring your Emotional Hero to mind and respond as she or he might. 

***************************

Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in private practice in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with warm and expressive people seeking greater connection, inspiration, and empowerment in their lives.

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com 

Keywords: mindfulness, meditation, psychotherapy, inspiration, running, patience, heroes, Interpersonal Neurobiology, relationships, relational therapy, joy, coping with stress, emotions.

Why Meditation is Different From Mindfulness-Oriented Psychotherapy

Full Self Wellness: Why Meditation is Different From Mindfulness-Orien...: If you've been thinking about meditating because you want the benefits, like: * the lowered blood pressure * the greater ability to empat...

Why Meditation is Different From Mindfulness-Oriented Psychotherapy

If you've been thinking about meditating because you want the benefits, like:

* the lowered blood pressure
* the greater ability to empathize with others
* the increased sense of calm
* a greater ability to cope with stress
* a sense that you can handle life better
* a greater range of emotions, especially an increased ability to experience more joy, appreciation, and gratitude in your life

then you probably think that meditation and mindfulness-oriented therapy are the same.

But, they're not. 


The truth is that mindfulness-oriented therapy, when it's done in a relational way (where the therapist shares her reflections about her own process or the process of therapy as well as her empathy and insights, and invites the client to do the same), is profound.


You heard me. 
It's profound.


And, the reason is because when something is shared, there is a greater sense of healing. Trauma expert, Judith Herman, M.D., suggests that negative events are less negative if they're shared in community. Add an empathic person to the mix, who truly cares, and this changes everything! 

For example, a study on medical doctors found that patients with colds got better faster than before when their doctors were empathic. (See link: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19582635).

But, that's not all.

The other profound difference is that while meditation encourages meditators to treat all emotions as the same, mindfulness-oriented relational therapy aims your focus on positive emotions. 


The result?


Greater joy.


Why? 

Because as you increase your capacity to experience more joy, you prime your brain to release the neurotransmitters, GABA and Oxytocin, which in turn create new neural pathways in your brain. The more these neural pathways are traveled (by thoughts and images in therapy), the more you experience joy.

This also accounts for why it's important to be in therapy focused on your immediate experience in session rather than just passive understanding of the past, and why it's also important to discuss and experience positive as well as negative feelings in session.

See why meditation and mindfulness-oriented psychotherapy are different?

***********

Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in private practice in Portland, Oregon who delights in working with warm and expressive people seeking greater connection, inspiration, and empowerment in their lives. 

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com 

Keywords: mindfulness, meditation, psychotherapy, Interpersonal Neurobiology, relationships, relational therapy, joy, coping with stress, emotions.

Why Always Thinking on the Bright Side Has a Dark Side

Recently, an acquaintance whom I'll call, Lori, lost her mom. It was sudden, it was shocking, and she loved her very much.

But, here's the thing; Lori has always been an optimist. Or, perhaps a better way to say it, is that she's been a denialist.


A good friend of Lori's invited 3 of their closest friends to be bridesmaids in her wedding, but, she didn't invite Lori. The five of them had been close friends in college and beyond.


At the last minute, she asked Lori if Lori wanted to join the bridal party for a dinner. To me, Lori quipped, "Wow. I feel so honored to invited to dinner!" When I asked, with some hesitation, (not wanting to hurt her more), whether Lori felt hurt about not being chosen to be part of the bridal party, she looked at me dumbfounded. "It's such an honor to be included in her wedding. Why would I feel hurt?"


Lori made comments that there was no point in "dwelling in negativity." And, yet, as a psychologist, I have to say that there's a difference between dwelling (a.k.a. making a home in negativity, where you review, in great detail, every time you've been slighted) versus allowing yourself to feel hurt or angry  -- and then moving on.


A few years ago, when Lori had a breakup with her partner of 5 years, she commented "Well, out with the old and on with the new." She had been madly in love with her partner, and the breakup was definitely NOT her idea. And yet, she seemed unable or unwilling to feel the hurt/anger storm, and any mention of her ex prompted a new comment about moving on and "just going from here."


So, since her mom died suddenly, Lori has been stuck. Perplexed. Dumbfounded. She has experienced less happiness, and said recently,"This wasn't the way it was supposed to happen," even though her mom had a full life (dying in her 80's).


Nonetheless, there is nothing that can prepare you for the wash of feelings that emerges from the loss of a parent. Nothing. Those of you who have experienced this, know that.


But, because Lori has spent her life pretending that the bad is good and not acknowledging small hurtful moments, she hasn't had practice for the big stuff. She doesn't know how to process her emotions: breaking them down into smaller chunks, reaching out to others, knowing how to talk about her thoughts and feelings, and re-integrating her experience into who she is, based on past, present, and future. Her only strategy is to pretend everything is fine, convince herself that the situation is actually good, and move on.


If you know people like Lori, it's painful to watch. And, if you are someone like Lori, deep down, you know the pain.


What does work?


* Talking with friends. 
* Seeing a therapist.
* Learning to acknowledge and express your pain, anger, hurt, loss.
* Taking one small action to move through pain. 
* Acknowledging the good after you feel the hard parts.
* And, then moving on. 


And, this takes time.
But, it can be done.


And, what happens over time, is that the more you process the hard parts, the more you build, like a muscle, your ability to tolerate what feels intolerable. 


*********************
Heather Schwartz, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Portland, Oregon. She delights in working with warm and expressive people who want to experience increased inspiration at work, greater connection, and empowerment in life.

Set Your Own Bar

This may be obvious to you, but you are the one who makes the decision about whether you’re a success.

You set the bar.

But, if you grew up with narcissistic or abusive or drug/alcohol-addicted parents, or even just highly successful parents who have meant well, you may have been told what and where the bar is, and may still be trying to reach that bar rather than your own. 

There could also be a feeling you received in your family that you were never good enough. This may have left you searching for the bar outside yourself. Now, you might find that bar (that perfect way of being) in coworkers or friends, or mentors. It has a way of taking over.

There is also a fine line between accepting your success and moving forward toward more personal or professional growth. If you don’t expect much, you may feel malaise, depression, boredom, or inertia. But, if you push yourself too hard, you may be constantly striving and never arriving, never enjoying what you've created.

Whether it’s something general like being “good enough” or specific like a set amount of money, it’s still out of your control when you let someone else define it for you. This may be a matter of priority, where you put your energy.

You might also experience that the bar of success changes arbitrarily, if you have a parent who needs to be the winner/expert. And, no matter how old you are, you may still be trying to please your parents. But, do you realize that? 

Part of the issue is that people sometimes don’t realize that this is happening, because it’s been going on for so long. As people, we don’t realize we have choices, that it’s not about not being good enough, but instead about switching the focus from someone else’s priorities to our own.

Examples: 

A daughter who believes she has to make a lot of money or marry someone wealthy rather than who she loves in order to please her wealthy parents. She weighs her success against what her parents want for her rather than what she wants for herself, which is love and connection, first and foremost. However, her need to please comes before her own desires. This need to please has its place; in order to stay in connection with her parents, she makes a sacrifice on her own needs. 

A son who has pursued his love of photography but secretly wishes his parents, who want him to be a doctor, could be proud of him, and each phone call home is a reminder of the difference in values and his wish to be accepted for who he is. Even though he is living his dream, until he realizes that the bar he holds is his parents', he won’t be freed. 

Part of the issue for people can be a strong wish to be similar to parents and to stay in connection with parents, above doing something outside what the family wants (or needs) from them.

Or, it could occur by comparing yourself to that perfect coworker or a couple comparing themselves to That Perfect Couple down the street or whose house they go to for parties (a great example of this is in the novel, Music For Torching by A.M. Homes where a couple thinks their lives are boring and that they're terrible parents in comparison to friends who seem to have it all, until they see from inside!).

Therapy then, becomes about realizing this tug-of-war between your authentic self and what you've been shown, told, or perceive you need to achieve. It's all about creating empowerment through appreciation, authentic connection, insight, and choice.

Think about it now:

Are you weighing your life against what your parents (or caretakers, or role models) have or against what you want for yourself? 

Take a moment and ask, what do I want for myself? 

Take inventory. How close are you to achieving it, or, do you have it now? 

What will it take for you to switch the bar from the one your parents/caretakers have wanted for you versus what you want for yourself?

·   Make a list of what you want for yourself. Be specific.

·   What have your parents/caretakers believed?

·   How is it different?

    When you appraise your life now from the eyes of your own measures, what do you see? 

    What, specifically, is holding you back?

·   What is one step you can take today, either toward accepting your success or moving toward it?

    Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland, Oregon who works with warm and expressive people seeking connection, meaning, and empowerment in their lives. 


   http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

  keywords: achievement, success, life transitions, expectations, parents, empowerment, goals, self-esteem, narcissism.

Making the Most of Your Microbreaks (Or, How to Be Happier at Work)

Checked your Facebook page lately? Making plans for the weekend? This could be taking happiness away from your work day! A recent study shows that taking non-work-related microbreaks, (small breaks during your work days where you might grab a cup of coffee or text someone), may decrease your productivity and rejuvenation (Fritz, 2012). 

This was a surprising finding for Dr. Charlotte Fritz, a professor at Portland State University. She’d expected the reverse. While breaks are necessary, especially in a stressful job, Fritz found that microbreaks, especially getting a cup of coffee or listening to music, decreased participants’ energy levels.

However, taking micro-breaks which are focused on work increase work can increase satisfaction and vitality!

Why? From a mindfulness perspective, I can’t help but wonder if that’s because it increases your awareness that you're not where you want to be, and creates more longing. For example, if you’re on a long plane ride, for example, does it make you happier (and therefore, less anxious) to think about where you just came from, or where you’re going or to focus on the movie they’re playing on the trip? You decide. 

I’ve found that not only doing work-related activities during microbreaks at work increases my happiness quotient, but also doing pleasurable work-related tasks right before I start my day (an hour before), gets me in the mood for work (though this is not the case when the task is unpleasant!). Even 30 minutes of work-related tasks that I enjoy (such as working on my blog), before work helps put me in a happier and more energetic work mindset than if I jump into work after doing unrelated fun things. 

Try it and see if it works for you.

For more information see Dr. Fritz’s interview on her study: http://hbr.org/2012/05/coffee-breaks-dont-boost-productivity-after-all/ar/1?referral=00134

*****

Dr. Heather Schwartz is a mindfulness and relational psychologist in Portland, Oregon, who specializes in helping warm and expressive people experience increased inspiration, connection, and empowerment. 

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

Mess Before Change: 10 Steps

This morning, I was feeling kind of meh: organizing stuff, surveying the dishes, and cleaning out my refrigerator (all the expired yogurts and soft veggies), made messier by an attempt to organize. I took everything out to sort and to wash. It was overwhelming. Shelves from the fridge mingling with dishes from last night. Judgement rose up: why don't we do them after dinner?! Why did we watch that re-run of Girls instead?

I took a deep breath; I reminded myself that comparing this state of mess to an earlier time when the kitchen was clean was not going to help. I focused on my breathing and the tension in my shoulders and jaw. Sensations began to soften. And then, I prioritized three small goals:

1. Wash the drawers. 
2. Throw away bad veggies and yogurt. 
3. Wash three dishes from last night. Not all, just some. That was manageable.

And, then I did them. 

I can't say I felt perfect, like I did before when the kitchen was sparkling. But, I can say I felt better than I did before I started. Sometimes, it just takes willingness.

This is often the case; chaos is often the precursor to organization. Chaos can bring also bring clarity. But to do so, you have to have willingness. To quote, Buddhist monk, Cheri Huber, "The key and the name of the key is willingness." I'd also add trust, patience, and curiosity to meeting with chaos.

You have to bring everything out in order to make sense of it, know where it goes.You have to sort through things to know what you want to keep and what you want to let go of.

This is true for therapy, too. Sometimes, it feels like you’re dragging everything out of the closet, talking about disparate ideas, and only later, do you realize that your pattern of being attracted to unavailable men, for example, makes sense given an earlier loss.

Sometimes, this is more the case with feelings than facts. You have to express all that you feel (all the so-called, "mess" inside) in order to get to the hidden layer of calm. Of comfort.


10 Steps For Moving Mess into Change:

1. Take a moment and a breath now.
2. How do you feel?
3. Note the feelings in your body as well as your heart. What sensations do you notice?
4. Notice any urges to judge yourself, especially comparing yourself to where you've been before. 
There is only now. Truly.
5. Allow for all feeling, all thoughts, without pushing anything away.
6. Let yourself arrive into this moment.
7. Now, take a moment and bring to mind something you're worried about, something you've been putting off because of the chaos involved. This could be ruckus in your heart or in actually.
8. Make 3 small goals.
9 Do them today. 
10. Note how you feel. 

***

Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist who delights in working with warm and expressive adults in Portland, Oregon.

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

Posting in Opposition to Perfectionism

So, I was thinking about how to begin this post, and I thought, "I don't know how to start it, so I'll just wait until I have a better beginning."


Ironically, this post is about perfectionism and procrastination.


So, I'll start there. I'll begin with the truth. Even though I am a therapist (and, therefore, in my mind, should know better), the truth is, I still struggle with perfectionism and procrastination. I really want these posts to be new, memorable and meaningful. I want them to be useful to you, and, dare I say, it, Creative. I want them to be user-friendly.


And, yet, I also want them to live up to the standard I have in my head of all the great posts out there: you know the ones; they're either funny or poignant or both. They say something old in a new way, like a comedian, or they say something totally profoundly interesting that we've never thought of, which gets our dopamine activated! In fact, it's our search for something new that increases dopamine not just the thing itself! This is the dopamine feedback loop: search for information --> dopamine --> increased motivation --> search for more info --> dopamine. YAY!


It feels good.


Which is why we search for information.


Which is why I want this post to be useful and not boring or cliched. For most of us, just the act of putting something out there to the world is an act of bravery.


And, it's exactly this striving for perfection (whatever that is) + judgement/comparison = procrastination. We stop. We get in our own way. 


Sometimes this happens when we start and realize we don't know where we're heading. As Peter Bregman in his post on the Harvard Business Review Blog notes,(http://blogs.hbr.org/bregman/2012/06/the-emotional-adventure-of-lea.html) sometimes you have to get lost to be found. And, when you admit it, it makes you a stronger leader.Cool. I can feed that to my inner critic! 


He writes, "It takes tremendous confidence to lead. Not the confidence of having all the answers — that's arrogance — but the confidence to move forward even without the answers. You have to be capable of feeling awkward and uncertain without giving up."


What have you given up that you want to re-start?


For me, it's this post that I began last week. Yup, it's true.


So, I'm writing this post today and dedicating it to all you perfectionists out there! I'm not putting it off for another day! Whatever you're wanting to do, whether it be small or large, break it down into small steps. Tell yourself it's better to do it, to start it today, right now in fact, than to leave it unfinished or never started.That's the power of a leader.


As one of my favorite Martha Graham quotes goes, "There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ..."


Why the hell not?!


Keywords: procrastination, perfectionism, motivation, creativity, leadership, psychology, psychotherapy, coaching, wellness, confidence, self-esteem, inspiration, Peter Bregman.


http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com
Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/DrHeatherS
http://www.linkedin.com/pub/heather-schwartz-psy-d/a/973/6b

The Ironies of Kindness

Sometimes, you just can’t help but do a good thing. A man in the small town of Prineville, Oregon was trying to pry a mouse from the jaws of stray cat he’d befriended, (an often occurrence for most cat owners), and contracted The Plague. Yes, that’s right: Black Death here in Oregon. It’s shocking. Apparently, there are three types of Plagues: one that affects the lymph nodes, (Bubonic), one that affects the lungs, (Pneumonic), and the third, (Septicemic), that affects the blood stream (Septicemic), which is the one this man contracted. Rodents sicken with The Plague due to the fleas that live on their bodies, and when house pets roam outside and seek their prey, we humans become susceptible.  Symptoms for humans include: fever, chills, bloody coughing, and a near-fatal response. The man is in critical condition. Scary! And all for trying to do something nice: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/hitchhiker-writing-book-kindess-americans-shot-authorities-article-1.1096407

On the flip side, a West Virginia photographer who took to the road, hitchhiking his way across the country, on a project to write a book on Kindness, shot himself in the arm and then blamed it on someone else who was arrested for felony. What the hell? Ironically, he says he was looking for kindness in America. He created its opposite! http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/hitchhiker-writing-book-kindess-americans-shot-authorities-article-1.1096407 Oh, the ironies of “kindness”! Sometimes what we say we’re looking for is a far cry from what we’re hoping or working to find. (e.g. We tell ourselves we want a kind boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, and yet, we're drawn to someone very different and not altogether good for us).


When I was a teen, I used to put quarters in people's parking meters that were about to run out. I did this until a police officer stopped me, threatened to give me a ticket, and told me it was illegal for me to help others this way. Ironic again? 

And, yet, there are so many examples of kindness in our everyday lives that we might overlook. Here in Portland, I’m always amazed by the number of drivers who let me into their lane when I’m turning or merging, the people who share a smile, or one lady who ran outside with a tube of toothpaste she was sure was mine (it wasn’t) that was left in the bag area of QFC. 

When you look at your life today, what can you see about the level of kindness that you’re putting out there? What about the kind of kindness you’re sharing? I’m talking about everyday kindnesses like holding a door for someone. You don’t have to pull out a Plague-infested rat or shoot yourself in the arm to experience or receive it! What authentic kindness are you offering today?  

Keywords: kindness, news, intention, purpose, health, motivation. 

Heather Schwartz, Psy.D.

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/DrHeatherS

Sacred Avocado

I was cleaning my refrigerator out this morning when I noticed a crumpled paper bag stuffed between the cantaloupe and the heirloom tomatoes. It had a sag to the side and as I opened it, I saw, deep in, the avocado that I had been saving for a special salad I'd been planning. I'd bought it while it was still hard, not quite ripe, and had stuffed it into a paper bag (one of the great ways to ripen an avocado) to save for later.

Later.

Later came and was gone, and now the avocado was rotten! I'd saved it too long! I forgot to remember. I forgot to look back, deep enough into the drawer. I got caught up in my life and what was directly around me, rather than deep in the refrigerator drawer. 

Take a moment now. 

What have you forgotten? What have you been saving to express or savor until it's ripe? Or, worried it wasn't ripe enough to enjoy? What in your life needs incubation, and what needs to ripen?

Want to move toward expression in 3 steps?

1) Write your goal/wish down and break down your ultimate vision into smaller bits. Make a list of should do's, must do's, and would like to do's.

Keep in Mind: Writing goals down increases the likelihood of accomplishing them, according to a study looking at why Harvard grads make more money. It's all in the writing! Writing it down = commitment.


2) Choose ONE choice goal per day. More choices actually lead to more confusion and less action (e.g. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/27/your-money/27shortcuts.html), while choosing one goal increases your will power to do more.

3). Make your vision visible. Put this list or a sign of your goal in your vision (hiding it in a refrigerator drawer won't do!). Work on it daily. Write it down This is why Vision Boards work. 


When you look at your unique collection of skills or wishes, talents or dreams, what one step can you take today that moves you closer to expressing your sacred avocado dreams? ;)

******
Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist in Portland who delights in working with warm and expressive people seeking inspiration, joy, and connection in their lives.


Heather Schwartz, Psy.D.
http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com
Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/DrHeatherS

Keywords: goals, money, inspiration, talent, small business, start-up.

Are You an Empath?

* Is it easy for you to sense what others feel?

* Are you moved easily by others or sentimental experiences?

* Is it hard for you to watch violence on tv or in the news or to hear about upsetting experiences without feeling very upset or overwhelmed?

* Is it hard for you to distinguish between your feelings and others?

* Do strangers and friends find it easy to confide in you?

* Do you find yourself easily moved by other people’s stories with the desire to help?

* Do you pick up/feel other people’s headaches, stomachaches, etc?

* When with others, do you find yourself easily swept away by their feelings, feelings you didn’t have before you connected with them?

* Are you gentle with how you talk with others?

* Do you find yourself exhausted after being around certain people or situations, even if you enjoy these people? 

If you answered yes to four or more of these questions, you may be an Empath. But, read on for more clarity...

What is an Empath?          

     Definitions abound, but based on research and experience, but, you're probably an Empath if you have three main characteristics:

     1. You feel deeply.

     2. You easily “pick up” or feel other people’s feelings (sadness, anger, joy, etc.) or sensations (stomachaches, headaches, etc). Since feelings begin in the body as sensations (Antonio Damasio, 2000), it is understandable that you might feel emotions as sensations.

     3. You sincerely care about the welfare of others; you think carefully about what you say to others, how they might receive what you have to say, and are quick to apologize if you hurt someone's feelings, unintentionally.

As people, we instinctively “pick up” feelings by reading others’ facial expressions and special neurons in our minds, called, “mirror neurons” (discovered by a researcher named Marco Iacaboni), help us to literally mirror the feelings of others as though they are our own. However, Empaths receive a stronger dose of the feeling.

As a result, many Empaths struggle with learning to differentiate their own feelings from those of others. It’s very common to feel overwhelmed by other people’s emotions based on this ability. But, this can be learned and honed. More on this later.
  

Sensitivity and Empaths: Creating Differentiations

Many Empaths are Highly Sensitive People (Aron, 1997), who are not only sensitive to people’s feelings but also to environmental stimuli like bright lights, loud noises, strong smells, as well as crowds. However, it is possible to be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and not be an Empath; some HSPs are not at all sensitive to the feelings of others and not sensitive to how they express their overwhelming feelings. On the other hand, some Empaths are adept at blocking or feeling less bothered than HSPs by external stimuli unrelated to social interaction. 

Introverts prefer smaller groups, one-on-one and need alone time in order to rejuvenate after interaction with others, and derive much of their energy from quiet activities or alone time. Shy people are fearful of or cautious in social interactions. While Empaths may need alone time to replenish after being around someone with strong negative emotions, Empaths are not necessarily introverted or shy.

Many Empaths are highly intuitive. This may be because our ability to intuit often comes from a gut sense; and to have a gut sense often means to be attuned to your body and emotional self. I say often, because for some, intuition is a state of knowing that does not feel related to the body. This does not mean, however, that Empaths are psychic. Empaths are not able to determine the future. 

Narcissistic people, or people with narcissistic traits can be very sensitive to the feelings of others, but often respond with an edge because they feel overwhelmed by their emotions. You can tell this because if you are on the receiving end, their comments don’t feel good, or feel self-serving. This is not empathy, even if they are able to read your emotions carefully and correctly.

Lastly, many Adult Children of Alcoholics, Adult Children of Narcissists, Adult Children of Autistic parents (or other forms of dysfunctional families) struggle with feeling overwhelmed by their own feelings and being very attuned to the environments and others’ feelings. In their unpredictable childhoods, they adaptively learned to cope by scanning the environment, becoming what’s called, hypervigilent to their parent’s moods and behaviors through facial expressions, gestures, senses, (e.g.smell of alcohol), in order to determine how to feel and act. This ability can translate into empathy, but needs to be differentiated between a need for control and to feel safe versus an ability to naturally attune to what others feel and to care about how the other person feels. 

Many ACOA’s care deeply about others and are truly kind in the way they care for others. But part of the family structure in a dysfunctional household is to try to save or cover up for the addicted/dysfunctional parent. And, there is a difference between trying to save people and feeling their emotions.  Part of the work of therapy is to differentiate between caring vs needing to feel that everyone is okay so that the ACOA/Adult Child of dysfunctional family can feel okay. This is not empathy but a need for safety, and is understandable given this upbringing. Sometimes, people who grow up in dysfunctional families realize that their scanning of the environment has heightened their ability to be empathic. Once they feel safe enough in the world, they can relax and use this ability for good. :)

 

What’s good about being an Empath?

1. Increased capacity for connection
2. Increased capacity to appreciate the world and others
3. Greater capacity to create community given this deep caring 
4. Feel things deeply
5. Usually in touch with their senses which heightens appreciation and often, gratitude
6. Increased intuition
7. Increase creativity
8. Increased capacity to implicitly understand the feelings of others and a natural capacity to  know how to help people to feel better

Empaths care deeply about the world. People often feel safe with an Empath, knowing that Empaths truly care about them and their concerns. Empaths are typically warm towards others and expressive about their feelings. Many massage therapists and psychotherapists are at an advantage, able to use the information they receive to deepen connection and to better understand the interaction and their clients better. Empathy is a powerful tool to create implicit understanding. 

Think of the last time someone looked in your eyes and just understood what you were feeling. Now, think about how you offer that to others. It’s a gift. But, in order to keep feeling that it’s a gift, it’s imperative to be able to create good boundaries between yourself and others so that you don’t feel drained.

A huge part of this is being aware of what you feel so that you can differentiate between your feeling and others. Increased capacity for connection, gratitude, and care all aid in creating stronger health. However, if you struggle with letting feelings go, then health can be impaired.

As a therapist, I work extensively with people wanting to create better boundaries between themselves and others. Even though you already feel emotions deeply, part of this involves identifying what you feel before you enter into interaction with others. The more you feel connected to yourself and lack fear of your own feelings, (what I call, internal balance,) the more you will be able to release and replenish yourself.

Four Steps to Better Internal Balance:

1.   If you notice that you begin to feel sad, angry, or empty while interacting with another person, change your posture and take a breath in the the nose and out through the mouth, slowly.
2.  Name the emotion. It sounds simple, but naming it tames it, to paraphrase noted Interpersonal Neurobiology psychiatrist, Daniel Siegel. Take a breath.
3.  Notice how you feel in your palms and feet. Wiggle your toes. Focus on areas of warmth and coolness in your body. Take another breath.
4.  Change your focus and think about what you love in your life. Chocolate cake, the recent positive interaction with your partner, a walk you went on in Forest Park with your pet, Mushroom. Anything. The purpose is to reconnect with who you are to re-stabilize yourself.

This four-part exercise also works well even when you’re not an Empath but are feeling overwhelmed by an interaction with another person. Notice that I mention moving, breathing, and focusing your attention on your body. The purpose of this is to activate the part of your brain that is involved in sensation which grounds you both in your body and the present moment. I ask you to put a label on what you feel to invite the part of your mind that can strategize and plan, and lastly, I ask you to think of who you are to invite positive experiences into the interaction and ground you in yourself and your life. This is all purposeful! And, it works. 

If you would like individual help with this, I’m happy to meet for a consultation or individual therapy.  More blog posts to come on this topic.

References

Elaine Aron, (1997). The Highly Sensitive Person.

Antonio Damasio (2000). The Feeling of What Happens: Body and Emotion in the Making of Consciousness

Marco Iacoboni (2008). Mirroring People: The New Science of How We Connect With Others

Dr. Heather Schwartz is a relational and mindfulness-oriented psychologist who helps warm and expressive people find balance, meaning, and empowerment in their lives.

http://www.heatherschwartzpsyd.com

Keywords: empathy, empath, connection, power of connections, healing, community, women, highly sensitive people, boundaries, balance, trust, creativity, intuition.